Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘A Frozen Moment’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: A Frozen Moment

310. A Frozen Moment

Aired November 24, 1993

Tim plans an extravagant holiday card for the family as Al and Ilene come over for Thanksgiving dinner.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Well, um, OK. I'm thankful for good friends, for my children, for a husband who never ceases to amaze and surprise me, a man who's blown out every window in the house, frozen his tongue to a hammer, fallen off the roof, through the roof, hung upside down from the roof, and in spite of all these things, or maybe even because of them, I love him more today than I did the day I married him.

Rate

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, we continue our week-long salute... [toilet flushes] to bathrooms. We've already finished our basic plumbing installation process. Now we move on to a thing called style. Women call this "accessorizing the bathroom." We gotta talk about some of this stuff. Like, what are these things?
Al: This is a flower decal to prevent slipping in your tub. I have these at home.
Tim: Why doesn't that surprise me? Now, men, what do you wanna do? Stand on a decal like this, or the new M1 Battle Tank series? Or you could use what I use at home - the Al decal.
Al: So you step all over me like you do here?
Tim: I like taking my work home.
Tim: Toilet seat and seat covers. Seat covers? Men don't need a seat cover. We don't even need a squishy seat like this. Toilet seats were just invented so women won't fall in. [woman screams] [splash] Now, here's a toilet seat, huh?
Al: What is in this?
Tim: Barbed wire. And these - a woman's idea of soap by the bath. Little roses and little hearts and pigs. How do you lather up with a pig? Goodness knows you've tried. What men need... Big bruiser soap like this.
Al: Football soap.
Tim: Football soap on a rope, Al. Perfect for the underarms, the ears... Al, get naked, go long. [Al turns away] You were gonna do that for a minute, weren't you?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Why don't we go through my typical day then? I get up, I scratch, I get in the bathroom. First I wanna get rid of that horrible morning breath. You got everything here you need. You got your soap. You got a little bit of your mouthwash. [sprays dispenser into his mouth] No, that's the soap. That's the mouthwash. To get that deep-down, manly dirt off, you gotta jump in your multihead shower. Hop out, stand over your built-in floor drain. Gotta get dry real quick. [dryer buzzes] I'm dry. Well, ready to shave. I can't shave in the dark. I'll need my trusty... headlights!
Al: Also useful in case a deer wanders into your bathroom.
Tim: For those pesky nose hairs, you flip on your brights. All right, all right. Well... the bathroom has everything, including the brand-new La-Z-Bowl reclining toilet. [audience applauds] It's plush when you flush.
Al: And jukebox, phone and a rack for your hot rod magazines within easy reach. If there were a refrigerator in here, you'd never have to leave.
Tim: Did you say "if"?
Al: Brewski?
Tim: You bet, buddy. Between the beer and the bathroom, we call this a male recycling center Guys are going, "Jeez, Tim, you spend so much time in the bathroom, you won't know what's going on in the big game." Got it covered. Go, go, go, go!
Tim & Al: Touchdown!

Quote from Al

Tim: We're gonna take you through a typical male day in the bathroom. Al, what's the first thing you do when you get up?
Al: I say to myself, "Oh, boy, another wonderful day of working side by side with Tim."
Tim: What's the second thing you do, Al?
Al: I consider calling in sick.
Tim: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Wilson, I break a lot of things around here because I think big. I get these visions, I have to carry them out. OK?
Wilson: Oh, so you think of yourself as a visionary, like Socrates or Marco Polo.
Tim: [grunts] But Jill thinks I got double vision.
Wilson: Well, to paraphrase Seneca, the Roman moralist, there is a fine line between genius and madness.
Tim: Do you think I've stepped over that line?
Wilson: Tim, why don't you ask me that question when you're not wearing that Mountie uniform?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Can I go next? Can I go next? I am thankful for many things in my life. My family, my friends... my hot rod, 267 power tools that I own. I know I get carried away sometimes, like my fellow visionary Marco Polo, who we all know invented the sport shirt. But, unlike Marco Polo, I have something he does not have. I have the best, most understanding wife in the world, Jill. [Al dries his eyes]

Quote from Randy

Brad: Whoa, Mom, why did we get such a big turkey? I thought Grandma and Grandpa aren't coming over for Thanksgiving.
Jill: Well, who can blame them after the food fight you started last year?
Randy: Hey. Nana got in a couple of nice shots, all right?

Quote from Jill

Tim: Remember, you said this year you didn't wanna take the same old boring Christmas card photo.
Jill: Yeah. Now, what are you building? And don't even think about it.
Tim: This'll be great. I got this vision that'll capture the real spirit of the Taylor family, just like we really are.
Jill: Oh, Tim, these pictures are going out to my family. I don't want them to know who we really are.
Tim: You're not sharing my vision.
Jill: That is what makes our marriage work.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Thank you, Heidi. And welcome to Tool Time's salute... to bathrooms. Hi, I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. You all know my assistant Al "It's My Potty, I'll Cry If I Want To" Borland.
Al: You just can't resist the bathroom humor, can you, Tim?
Tim: Not during our salute... [toilet flushes] to bathrooms. You remember last time I was telling you how bathrooms have become a woman's domain. Well, not anymore, since the crew and I designed and built the bathroom for men only. Guys, bring out my bathroom. The man's bathroom. 100%, you guessed it, stainless steel. That's right. A man's can. A John's john. This will be on every man's Christmas list this year.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Honey, honey, honey. It'll be great. We could make Christmas card history here.
Jill: Why can't you just ever do anything on a small scale?
Tim: I don't think that way. Pick a number.
Jill: What?
Tim: Just pick a number.
Jill: Seven.
Tim: See? I would've picked 13,000. Why? Because I think big. Can you burn the turkey so it matches those pies?

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Mm, mm, mm, mm. What is that I smell? Burnt pumpkin pie with a touch of cinnamon... maybe a tad too much nutmeg?
Tim: That is amazing. You can smell that from over there?
Wilson: Oh, yes, indeedy, Tim. I inherited my father's olfactory sense.
Tim: Your dad has an old factory?
Wilson: No, Tim. I was referring to my sense of smell.
Tim: What does that have to do with your dad's old factory?
Wilson: Let it go, Tim.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Anyway, I think you're overlooking something here.
Tim: What?
Wilson: The true vision is right there.
Tim: An angry wife with two burnt pies?
Wilson: No. No, Tim - a loving family.
Tim: Yeah. Right as usual, Wilson. Hey, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yo. Pick a number.
Wilson: Any number?
Tim: Any number.
Wilson: Well, off the top of my head, 762 trillion.

Quote from Jill

Ilene: I can't believe Al. All he's done since we've got here is watch football.
Jill: Yeah, well, Tim's idea of the perfect Thanksgiving would be to push a button on the remote and have the turkey pop out of it.

Quote from Al

Tim: I think before we eat, we should all think of something that we're thankful for.
Jill: Oh, that's a great idea.
Tim: Al, you wanna go first?
Al: All right. Uh... Well, I'm... I'm thankful that I have such wonderful friends. And I'm... I'm thankful that I have such a wonderful, special person to spend Thanksgiving with.
Ilene: Well, I'm thankful that I have such a wonderful place to come to on Thanksgiving, and I'm thankful to Jill for introducing me to Al.
Jill: That's sweet. That's nice. Brad?
Ilene: Al, a tender, warm and gentle man who always puts my needs above his own.
Tim: Oh, boy, that's great. Brad, I think your mom wants...
Ilene: A man whose quiet confidence and heroic vulnerability inspire me to be a better person.

Quote from Tim

Tim: This is the life, huh, Al?
Al: I think so, Tim.
Tim: Nothing like a bowl game on the bowl, huh?
Al: You know, I'm still a little hungry.
Tim: No junk food. Let's order in. Mexican, Chinese, what do you want?
Al: Oh, nothing too spicy.
Tim: Al, I think you're forgetting where you are.
Al: You're right. Let's go a little crazy. How about a pizza with sausage and chili?
Tim: All right, buddy. Auto-dial. [on the phone] Yeah, Tony's. Yeah, this is Tim over here at Tool Time. We need a big pizza. Chili, anchovies...
Al: Half.
Tim: Half anchovies. We're not upstairs in the office, though. Come down to the... We're actually in the bathroom. Yeah. What? Hello? [hangs up] We're gonna have to go pick it up, I think. Is that a smudge on that TV?
Al: Yes, I believe it is.
Tim: Not anymore. Yes!

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode