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‘Aisle See You in My Dreams’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Aisle See You in My Dreams

302. Aisle See You in My Dreams

Aired September 22, 1993

Al is down about being single after turning 35, so Jill plays matchmaker and sets him up with Ilene. Meanwhile, Brad and Randy trick Mark into thinking Isiah Thomas is coming to their house.

Quote from Jill

Tim: What is this?
Jill: Brad and Randy wrote to Mark pretending to be Isiah Thomas.
Mark: It's not from Isiah?
Jill: Mark, no professional basketball player is gonna come to our house to eat corn.
Tim: Especially your mom's corn.
Jill: Honey... Look, you're eight years old now. It's time that we had this talk. Stop being such a sap!

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Quote from Wilson

Tim: Why do women meddle in relationships? Men don't care about that.
Wilson: Uh-oh, Tim. You're falling victim to a cultural stereotype. Historically, men have been the primary matchmakers.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: For example, among the Xhosa Kaffir tribe, a young man's father would choose his first, sometimes even his second, wife in exchange for a sack of barley or a goat.
Tim: I'd hold out for a sack of cash and a Jag.
Wilson: You see, Tim, unlike the ancient matchmakers, who received goods for their services, Jill's motives are much purer. She only wants what's best for Al.
Tim: Yeah, but why does she drag me into it?
Wilson: Who the heck knows? You know women.

Quote from Mark

Randy: We did a great job on this letter.
Brad: Yeah! Mark's gonna fall for this big time. Oh, here he comes!
Randy: Hey, Mark! You got a letter from the Detroit Pistons.
Mark: I did?
Brad: Yeah. The return address says it's from Isiah Thomas.
Mark: See? I told you he'd write me back.
Brad: What does it say?
Mark: "Dear Mark. Thank you for your 25 letters. You're my biggest fan."
Brad: Does he say anything else?
Mark: "I can't wait to meet you. Don't tell anybody, but I'm coming to your house Saturday night. P.S. If you're cooking, I love corn on the cob." He's coming to our house!

Quote from Al

Al: Oh, gosh, it's seven already? I better call the bingo hall, tell 'em I'm running late.
Jill: This isn't your usual bingo night.
Al: Well, no, I know. When you're a regular, they do something special for you on your birthday. You get to sit next to the caller and use your age as a free space. Tonight, I'm N35. Boy, you know, it just seems like yesterday I was I19.

Quote from Al

Tim: Thank you. Thank you all, and welcome once again to Tool Time. I'm your host, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant, Al "Catch of the Day" Borland. It's Male Hobby Week all this week on Tool Time. And today, Al and I are doing our Tool Time salute... to fishing. You know, hobbies are important to men because they allow us to wind down a bit. I can't speak for everybody, but I work awful hard all week long.
Al: You have another job somewhere, Tim?
Tim: Gosh, darn it. That was funny, Al. It really was. Who's writing your material? An orthodontist? Bite on that one, big worm.

Quote from Tim

Jill: A sense of humor is very important in a relationship. If I didn't have a sense of humor, I never would have been able to stay with Tim.
Ilene: How long have you two been married?
Tim: Ah, it seems like forever. In a good way.
Ilene: Children?
Jill: Yes. We have three delightful boys.
Tim: And who would they be?

Quote from Al

Al: I myself would love a big family.
Ilene: Me too. Although I'm 36 and I worry it's a little late to be getting started.
Al: Oh, no. You have plenty of good childbearing years left.
Ilene: It's not only that. You know, it's the whole process. I mean, first you have to meet somebody, then you have to date, see if the chemistry's right. I just wish there was a way to cut right through all that.
Al: So do I.
Ilene: You do?
Al: You know, I... I wouldn't want to be too forward, but I... I would love to be the father of your children.
Tim: Do you mind if we eat first?

Quote from Al

Al: I don't think so, Tim. I would never trade wheel covers for the love of a good woman. And, unlike you, I have never used the show as my personal forum. I would like to say something to my special lady.
Tim: Al, what are you gonna do?
Al: Speak from the heart.
Tim: Al, don't do this. Al! [to Jimmy] It was good to have you on the show. Thanks for coming.
Al: [to camera] Dr. Ilene Markham. I, Albert Borland, would like to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?
Tim: [chuckles] That's great. Great. That's great. What are you doing?
Al: I'm proposing.
Tim: Are you crazy? He's crazy.
Al: Crazy in love.
Tim: Oh, boy! Aren't you? Aren't we all? That's all the time we have. Klaus, the music, please.

Quote from Tim

Jill: So, Al, what did you wish for?
Al: Oh, no. No, no, Jill. I couldn't tell you that or it won't come true.
Tim: What are you, Al? Seven? Eight now?
Al: Sorry, Tim. It's just that I'm a little superstitious about those things.
Tim: Yeah? Well, if you don't tell us what you wished for, you're not getting your present.
Al: Well, if you must know, I... I wished for a wife.
Tim: Hey! Perfect! That's what we got ya! Just don't over-inflate her.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, knock it off. Al has a very good chance of getting his wish. In fact, I might have somebody to introduce you to.
Al: Really?
Tim: Back the lonely-heart mobile up.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Besides this woman is perfect.
Al: What's her name?
Jill: I don't know.
Tim: So she's a good friend?
Jill: She is the sister of the woman I sit next to at work. She's supposed to be very sweet. I'll call Beth, get her number, then call you. Then you call her, then you call me and tell me everything she said.
Tim: No, no. Then you call me. I'll call Eddie, he'll call Freddie, we'll all get pedicures.

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: It's "Tool Time"!
Heidi: That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, you brought a nice selection of rods here. Boy, I'd love to see a worm try to wiggle off one of those big bad boys, huh?
Chuck: Well, actually, Tim, with fly-fishing, there's no live bait involved. The fish are drawn to the fly. And under the heading of flies, you've got two basic types.
Tim: The opened and closed, Chuck. [laughs]
Al: I think Chuck was referring to the dry fly and the wet fly.
Tim: This is a joke, Al.
Al: The dry fly floats on top of the water, whereas your wet fly...
Tim: Has kept you out of every major restaurant in the Detroit area.

Quote from Tim

Mark: But the letter looked so real.
Tim: Let me give you some guidelines here. If something good happens to you, and Brad and Randy are happy that it happened, it's probably not a good thing.
Mark: I'm gonna get them back!
Tim: Wait. What are you gonna do to 'em?
Mark: I'm gonna tell them that they're ugly and that their feet stink.
Tim: [whistles] Ouch! You know, it's probably not a good idea to tell 'em stuff they already know. Think of something, all right?

Quote from Tim

Jill: You are just not getting this at all. These people are not acting rationally.
Tim: You're not acting rationally.
Jill: Hey, you cannot build a relationship based on desperation.
Tim: We did!

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right, look, I won't call Al, I'll talk to him tomorrow. OK? It's a waste of time. They would work this out by themselves. You know when you first get in a new relationship, you're on an emotional high. But after a while, you come crashing down to reality. I know I did.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Happy hour, Wilson?
Wilson: [chuckles] No. No, no, no, Tim. I find that two coats of bourbon give my paintings a nice gloss.
Tim: Two coats of bourbon will give anybody a nice gloss.
Wilson: You know, Tim, it was rumored that the Mona Lisa was covered with a splash of whiskey.
Tim: That would explain why she had that little plastered look.
Wilson: Actually, Tim, that look may have had more to do with her supposed relationship with Leonardo da Vinci.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Are you out of your mind?
Al: On the contrary, Tim. I've never felt clearer.
Tim: You've only known the lady a couple of days!
Al: Yes, but I know everything about her.
Tim: Is she married?
Al: I don't know.
Tim: Is she from around here?
Al: I don't know.
Tim: Is she allergic to flannel? Does she have any weird tattoos? Can she digest asparagus properly?
Al: I don't know!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now, we eat.
Jill: OK, who wants sleeve, who wants armpit?
Mark: Sleeve.
Brad & Randy: Pits.
Jill: OK. Tim?
Tim: I'll just take a little chest hair.

Quote from Al

Al: Her name's Ilene and she's an orthodontist.
Tim: Who?
Al: The woman that Jill found for me. Thank you. I just spoke to her on the phone. She has a delightful sense of humor. Listen to this. How does an orthodontist hold on to a lawyer? She makes him a retainer. [snorts]
Tim: I think I know why she's available.

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