Tim: What is this?
Jill: Brad and Randy wrote to Mark pretending to be Isiah Thomas.
Mark: It's not from Isiah?
Jill: Mark, no professional basketball player is gonna come to our house to eat corn.
Tim: Especially your mom's corn.
Jill: Honey... Look, you're eight years old now. It's time that we had this talk. Stop being such a sap!

Tim: Why do women meddle in relationships? Men don't care about that.
Wilson: Uh-oh, Tim. You're falling victim to a cultural stereotype. Historically, men have been the primary matchmakers.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: For example, among the Xhosa Kaffir tribe, a young man's father would choose his first, sometimes even his second, wife in exchange for a sack of barley or a goat.
Tim: I'd hold out for a sack of cash and a Jag.
Wilson: You see, Tim, unlike the ancient matchmakers, who received goods for their services, Jill's motives are much purer. She only wants what's best for Al.
Tim: Yeah, but why does she drag me into it?
Wilson: Who the heck knows? You know women.

Al: I don't think so, Tim. I would never trade wheel covers for the love of a good woman. And, unlike you, I have never used the show as my personal forum. I would like to say something to my special lady.
Tim: Al, what are you gonna do?
Al: Speak from the heart.
Tim: Al, don't do this. Al! [to Jimmy] It was good to have you on the show. Thanks for coming.
Al: [to camera] Dr. Ilene Markham. I, Albert Borland, would like to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?
Tim: [chuckles] That's great. Great. That's great. What are you doing?
Al: I'm proposing.
Tim: Are you crazy? He's crazy.
Al: Crazy in love.
Tim: Oh, boy! Aren't you? Aren't we all? That's all the time we have. Klaus, the music, please.

Randy: We did a great job on this letter.
Brad: Yeah! Mark's gonna fall for this big time. Oh, here he comes!
Randy: Hey, Mark! You got a letter from the Detroit Pistons.
Mark: I did?
Brad: Yeah. The return address says it's from Isiah Thomas.
Mark: See? I told you he'd write me back.
Brad: What does it say?
Mark: "Dear Mark. Thank you for your 25 letters. You're my biggest fan."
Brad: Does he say anything else?
Mark: "I can't wait to meet you. Don't tell anybody, but I'm coming to your house Saturday night. P.S. If you're cooking, I love corn on the cob." He's coming to our house!

Al: Oh, gosh, it's seven already? I better call the bingo hall, tell 'em I'm running late.
Jill: This isn't your usual bingo night.
Al: Well, no, I know. When you're a regular, they do something special for you on your birthday. You get to sit next to the caller and use your age as a free space. Tonight, I'm N35. Boy, you know, it just seems like yesterday I was I19.

Tim: Thank you. Thank you all, and welcome once again to Tool Time. I'm your host, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant, Al "Catch of the Day" Borland. It's Male Hobby Week all this week on Tool Time. And today, Al and I are doing our Tool Time salute... to fishing. You know, hobbies are important to men because they allow us to wind down a bit. I can't speak for everybody, but I work awful hard all week long.
Al: You have another job somewhere, Tim?
Tim: Gosh, darn it. That was funny, Al. It really was. Who's writing your material? An orthodontist? Bite on that one, big worm.

Jill: A sense of humor is very important in a relationship. If I didn't have a sense of humor, I never would have been able to stay with Tim.
Ilene: How long have you two been married?
Tim: Ah, it seems like forever. In a good way.
Ilene: Children?
Jill: Yes. We have three delightful boys.
Tim: And who would they be?

Al: I myself would love a big family.
Ilene: Me too. Although I'm 36 and I worry it's a little late to be getting started.
Al: Oh, no. You have plenty of good childbearing years left.
Ilene: It's not only that. You know, it's the whole process. I mean, first you have to meet somebody, then you have to date, see if the chemistry's right. I just wish there was a way to cut right through all that.
Al: So do I.
Ilene: You do?
Al: You know, I... I wouldn't want to be too forward, but I... I would love to be the father of your children.
Tim: Do you mind if we eat first?

Jill: So, Al, what did you wish for?
Al: Oh, no. No, no, Jill. I couldn't tell you that or it won't come true.
Tim: What are you, Al? Seven? Eight now?
Al: Sorry, Tim. It's just that I'm a little superstitious about those things.
Tim: Yeah? Well, if you don't tell us what you wished for, you're not getting your present.
Al: Well, if you must know, I... I wished for a wife.
Tim: Hey! Perfect! That's what we got ya! Just don't over-inflate her.

Jill: Tim, knock it off. Al has a very good chance of getting his wish. In fact, I might have somebody to introduce you to.
Al: Really?
Tim: Back the lonely-heart mobile up.