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‘At Sea’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: At Sea

601. At Sea

Aired September 17, 1996

Tim and the Tool Time crew board the USS Constellation for a special on large engines. Back home, Jill finds Brad in his room with Angela.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".

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Quote from Tim

Brad: Some guys I hang out with think that by having sex it makes you a man.
Tim: I used to think that, too. But I think the truth is, you should be a man first and then think about sex.
Brad: So, what do you think? How many years away am l?
Tim: Well... there's no set number of years.
Brad: When will I know when I'm a man?
Tim: Your mom and I will tell you.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Brad, what were you doing with a girl in your bedroom?
Brad: Um... nothing.
Jill: When I walked in the door it didn't look like nothing.
Brad: Well, Mom, you wouldn't have seen anything if you had knocked.
Jill: Don't get smart with me. You know you are not allowed to have a girl in your room when we're not home!
Brad: Yeah, well, it's not going to a problem anymore. She'll probably never come back, thanks to you!
Jill: Oh, excuse me. You have a girl on your bed, I catch you and I'm the bad guy?
Brad: Mom, I didn't do anything wrong.
Jill: Really? Really? Well, what would have happened if I hadn't come home just then?
Brad: It's none of your business. I mean, you think I'm gonna talk to you about my sex life? [exits]
Jill: [whispering] Sex life?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Look, I tried to talk to him. He would not talk to me. If he's gonna open up to anybody it's gonna be you.
Tim: What am I supposed to say to him?
Jill: Well, find out what's going on first of all. Then talk to him about maturity, responsibility and safety.
Tim: Maturity, responsibility, safety. Are you sure I'm the right person for this?

Quote from Tim

Brad: So, Dad, how long you think it's gonna take to finish the hot rod?
Tim: I don't know. I don't want to rush into it. The important things in life you don't want to rush into, you know what I mean.
Brad: Yeah, well, especially when it comes to cars and tools you want to take your time and do things right.
Tim: Exactly. But that rule doesn't just apply to cars and tools. You also want to take your time when you're gonna have... food.
Brad: What do you mean?
Tim: You know that Polish smorgasbord we like? You don't go right up to Olga and say, "I want all the kielbasa and all the sauerkraut right now".
Brad: [chuckles] You do!
Tim: All right. Bad example, bad example. Football. You don't go right in and try to score, do you?
Brad: You don't?
Tim: In football you do. You do. Gardening, gardening, think gardening. You don't plant your flower unless your bed's made. No. No, no, no!
Brad: You know, Dad, maybe it's just me. I don't have a clue what you're trying to say.
Tim: It isn't just you.

Quote from Tim

Tim: So when you test the F-14 Tomcat motor, you control it from here? Where's the throttle?
Captain Lloyd Jenkins: That's the throttle right there. That's an awful lot of power, Tim. Please try not to touch that.
Tim: [grunts]
Al: [cell phone ringing] Excuse me a second. [answers phone] Hello. Hi, Jill. Yeah. Just a second.
Tim: Excuse me. [takes the phone] Honey, is everything OK?
Jill: Not really. I think Brad might be having sex.
Tim: Sex? [hits the throttle] [loud whirring]

Quote from Al

Tim: Always good to be back with a big show. It's a two-parter. We're doing our Tool Time salute... [motor revving] - ...to engines, big and small.
Al: That's right. Today we're gonna show you a couple examples of some smaller engines.
Tim: In the next segment, the Navy's invited us aboard the USS Constellation, the aircraft carrier, to see some big motors. [grunts] Oh, yeah.
Al: Actually, they invited me and Heidi. We had to beg them to let Tim come.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Tim: What are you doing, Wilson?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm admiring my yams.
Tim: Should I leave you alone?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, Tim. See, I'm a charter member of the tuber-of-the-month club. Did you realize that in New Guinea a family is judged by the quality of the yams they grow? As a matter of fact, a father passes down his yam-growing skills to his children.
Tim: Well, I just gave Brad the big sex talk. I don't think he's ready for the big yam talk yet.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, Tim, that reminds me of my old friend and pinochle partner, Hubert Humphrey. He said, "All you have to do is be yourself and speak from your heart and your guts".
Tim: Unfortunately, I left most of my guts on an aircraft carrier.
Wilson: Well, your heart is in the right place.
Tim: No. The second landing it shifted to the left just a scoshe.
Wilson: [chuckling] Tim, I think you'll do just fine.
Tim: You're a good friend, Wilson.
Wilson: I yam what I yam.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Let's get back to small engines. Look at this bad boy. This is a Conley 427. This is the smallest four-stroke production V-8 in the world. Beautifully detailed, four-bolt mains, and runs in a car like this. Start her up, Al.
[starts engine] [revving engine] But I bet there's some people out there going, "That's the smallest engine in the world". [buzzer sounds]
Both: Wrong.
Al: The smallest engine in the world is on the smallest automobile in the world, the Denso Micro-Car. Marv, you want to come in here a little closer?
Tim: It took 20 people four years to assemble this bad boy.
Al: That's right. It's an actual working car the size of a grain of rice.
Tim: Look at her go. A little more speed it'll be the lead car in the Uncle Ben's 500 this year.

Quote from Tim

Captain Lloyd Jenkins: Tim, Captain Lloyd Jenkins. Welcome aboard.
Tim: Captain. Well, Captain, think you're ready for Tool Time?
Captain Lloyd Jenkins: Sure, Tim. I think we're all prepared.
[Captain Jenkins points to a sign on the ship which reads "BEWARE OF JET BLAST PROPELLERS AND TIM"]

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Welcome to Tool Time, coming to you from the USS Constellation aircraft carrier.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi, and welcome to a very special Tool Time salute... [plane taking off] - ...to engines. We're in the hangar bay of the ship with the ship's captain, Captain Lloyd Jenkins. Thank you for having us on board.
Captain Lloyd Jenkins: Our pleasure, Tim.
Tim: Right behind me is the Navy's most advanced fighter, the F-1 5.
Al: Actually, Tim, it's the F-1 8.
Tim: Eighteen, 15... it's a number, isn't it?
Al: Well, this baby sports twin low bypass turbo engine fans with a 1600 gallon internal fuel capacity. Isn't that right, Captain Jenkins?
Captain Lloyd Jenkins: That's exactly right, Al. You seem to be quite an expert when it comes to the Navy.
Al: Well, sir, as a former Seabee I like to keep my oars in the water.
Tim: He was stationed in Nevada. The closest he ever got to the water was the fountain at Caesars Palace.

Quote from Tim

Tim: We've just entered the Constellation's combat direction center, this carrier's state-of-the-art mission control facility. These sailors have a tremendous responsibility. However... When mine does that at home the cursor has to be moved over to the left and in.... That's all. [alarm sounding] Whoa, whoa. What did I do here?
Captain Lloyd Jenkins: Tim, you just declared war on Finland.
Tim: Huh?
Al: I'm ready to serve, sir.
Captain Lloyd Jenkins: Just kidding, Al. When we found out Tim was coming aboard we deactivated our weapons.
Tim: Really.

Quote from Tim

Captain Lloyd Jenkins: This is our diesel engine room, Tim. [Tim bangs his head on a pipe] Tim, on a ship, like in a basement, you might want to watch your head.

Quote from Brad

[Jill walks in on Brad and Angela kissing on his bed]
Angela: [jumps up] Hi, Mrs. Taylor. I was just on my way out. So I can't stay and talk. I love your hair. Bye.
Brad: Angela, I'll call you later. So, um, Mom, what are you doing home?
Jill: My class was cancelled. What do you have to say for yourself?
Brad: Well, your hair does look kind of good right now.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Mom, I'm gonna be a little late today.
Jill: Where are you going?
Randy: I'm going to go over to David's house.
Jill: Estimated time of return?
Randy: I don't know. 5:30?
Jill: Reason for visit?
Randy: Gambling and devil worship. Look, Mom, don't take this Brad thing out on me. I haven't even had a girl in my room yet.
Jill: Yet?
Randy: I gotta go.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right, what's the deal with Brad?
Jill: I wish I knew. It's time to sit him down and talk to him - and find out how far this has gone.
Tim: Roger that. It's always important to pinpoint the problem and pull no punches.
Jill: I'm so glad you feel that way.
Tim: Tell me how it works out.
Jill: Hey! You're going to be the one dealing with this.
Tim: Me?
Jill: Yes! You're the father.
Tim: Why don't we just get him a book or something?
Jill: Tim, this requires an actual discussion. It's not like when we were potty training him and we could just read a book about it.
Tim: I loved that book, Everybody Poops.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, Brad.
Brad: Hey, Dad. Do we still have a Navy?
Tim: You do. I'm not sure they'd defend me at this point.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: I thought you discussed birds and bees years ago with Brad years ago.
Tim: I did. But the bee's found a honey and he's gone a bit cuckoo.
Wilson: Oh. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. You seem quite at ease about it. I must say, I'm very impressed you can speak openly to Brad about, you know...
Tim: Sex.
Wilson: Mm-hmm. [both chuckling]
Tim: Uh, it was a snap. It was over in a couple seconds.
Wilson: Seconds?
Tim: Yeah, I just said, "If you got any questions, just holler".
Wilson: And?
Tim: And I avoided the issue. I said nothing and I blew the whole thing.
Wilson: Well, maybe you should just try again.
Tim: You're right. I just want to say the right thing. If I mess up and turn him off, I'm afraid he'll never come to me again.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Look, Dad, I know all about safe sex. There's nothing to worry about.
Tim: If you're having sex in high school there is something to worry about.
Brad: Dad, I'm not having sex. Not with Angela, not with anybody.
Tim: I know that. That's good. Of course not.
Brad: So, Dad, how old were you your first time?
Tim: What? Uh... 37.
Brad: I thought you wanted to have a real talk.
Tim: Well, I was a few years older than you. But I was still way too young. I knew nothing about women.
Brad: You didn't?
Tim: No, I knew the mechanics of it and everything. But I didn't realize how much responsibility was involved in having an intimate relationship with girls.
Brad: Wow. I never heard you talk like this before.
Tim: Well, it's kind of hard for me to talk about stuff like this with you. It's hard for me to talk about stuff like this with Mom. But we opened a line of communication and I want to keep it that way. This makes me feel real good, okay?

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