Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".

Brad: Some guys I hang out with think that by having sex it makes you a man.
Tim: I used to think that, too. But I think the truth is, you should be a man first and then think about sex.
Brad: So, what do you think? How many years away am l?
Tim: Well... there's no set number of years.
Brad: When will I know when I'm a man?
Tim: Your mom and I will tell you.

Jill: Brad, what were you doing with a girl in your bedroom?
Brad: Um... nothing.
Jill: When I walked in the door it didn't look like nothing.
Brad: Well, Mom, you wouldn't have seen anything if you had knocked.
Jill: Don't get smart with me. You know you are not allowed to have a girl in your room when we're not home!
Brad: Yeah, well, it's not going to a problem anymore. She'll probably never come back, thanks to you!
Jill: Oh, excuse me. You have a girl on your bed, I catch you and I'm the bad guy?
Brad: Mom, I didn't do anything wrong.
Jill: Really? Really? Well, what would have happened if I hadn't come home just then?
Brad: It's none of your business. I mean, you think I'm gonna talk to you about my sex life? [exits]
Jill: [whispering] Sex life?

Jill: Look, I tried to talk to him. He would not talk to me. If he's gonna open up to anybody it's gonna be you.
Tim: What am I supposed to say to him?
Jill: Well, find out what's going on first of all. Then talk to him about maturity, responsibility and safety.
Tim: Maturity, responsibility, safety. Are you sure I'm the right person for this?

Brad: So, Dad, how long you think it's gonna take to finish the hot rod?
Tim: I don't know. I don't want to rush into it. The important things in life you don't want to rush into, you know what I mean.
Brad: Yeah, well, especially when it comes to cars and tools you want to take your time and do things right.
Tim: Exactly. But that rule doesn't just apply to cars and tools. You also want to take your time when you're gonna have... food.
Brad: What do you mean?
Tim: You know that Polish smorgasbord we like? You don't go right up to Olga and say, "I want all the kielbasa and all the sauerkraut right now".
Brad: [chuckles] You do!
Tim: All right. Bad example, bad example. Football. You don't go right in and try to score, do you?
Brad: You don't?
Tim: In football you do. You do. Gardening, gardening, think gardening. You don't plant your flower unless your bed's made. No. No, no, no!
Brad: You know, Dad, maybe it's just me. I don't have a clue what you're trying to say.
Tim: It isn't just you.

Tim: So when you test the F-14 Tomcat motor, you control it from here? Where's the throttle?
Captain Lloyd Jenkins: That's the throttle right there. That's an awful lot of power, Tim. Please try not to touch that.
Tim: [grunts]
Al: [cell phone ringing] Excuse me a second. [answers phone] Hello. Hi, Jill. Yeah. Just a second.
Tim: Excuse me. [takes the phone] Honey, is everything OK?
Jill: Not really. I think Brad might be having sex.
Tim: Sex? [hits the throttle] [loud whirring]

Tim: Always good to be back with a big show. It's a two-parter. We're doing our Tool Time salute... [motor revving] - ...to engines, big and small.
Al: That's right. Today we're gonna show you a couple examples of some smaller engines.
Tim: In the next segment, the Navy's invited us aboard the USS Constellation, the aircraft carrier, to see some big motors. [grunts] Oh, yeah.
Al: Actually, they invited me and Heidi. We had to beg them to let Tim come.

Wilson: Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Tim: What are you doing, Wilson?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm admiring my yams.
Tim: Should I leave you alone?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, Tim. See, I'm a charter member of the tuber-of-the-month club. Did you realize that in New Guinea a family is judged by the quality of the yams they grow? As a matter of fact, a father passes down his yam-growing skills to his children.
Tim: Well, I just gave Brad the big sex talk. I don't think he's ready for the big yam talk yet.

Wilson: You know, Tim, that reminds me of my old friend and pinochle partner, Hubert Humphrey. He said, "All you have to do is be yourself and speak from your heart and your guts".
Tim: Unfortunately, I left most of my guts on an aircraft carrier.
Wilson: Well, your heart is in the right place.
Tim: No. The second landing it shifted to the left just a scoshe.
Wilson: [chuckling] Tim, I think you'll do just fine.
Tim: You're a good friend, Wilson.
Wilson: I yam what I yam.

Tim: Let's get back to small engines. Look at this bad boy. This is a Conley 427. This is the smallest four-stroke production V-8 in the world. Beautifully detailed, four-bolt mains, and runs in a car like this. Start her up, Al.
[starts engine] [revving engine] But I bet there's some people out there going, "That's the smallest engine in the world". [buzzer sounds]
Both: Wrong.
Al: The smallest engine in the world is on the smallest automobile in the world, the Denso Micro-Car. Marv, you want to come in here a little closer?
Tim: It took 20 people four years to assemble this bad boy.
Al: That's right. It's an actual working car the size of a grain of rice.
Tim: Look at her go. A little more speed it'll be the lead car in the Uncle Ben's 500 this year.