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‘Ploys for Tots’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Ploys for Tots

812. Ploys for Tots

Aired December 15, 1998

Tim and Jill disagree with Marty's parenting style when he gives into Claire's every demand.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I can't even imagine what he's going through, doing all this parenting alone. I mean, without Jill, I couldn't have had the kids.

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Quote from Al

Heidi: Welcome to Remodeling Week here on Tool Time. Now, here's the star of the show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Thank you, everybody. Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Grateful Tool Man" Taylor, and, of course, you all know my assistant.
[Jazzy music plays as Al walks towards the audience, who are applauding him, and salutes them]
Al: Okay, I'm a perch, I'll bite.
Tim: Well, Tim, it's Remodeling Week.
Al: I know that. Well, I've worn this shirt before, so now I'm re-modeling it. [laughs]

Quote from Tim

Al: Uh, all right. Well, over the years, we've shown you a lot of different ways to upgrade your home.
Tim: But when the job is big enough, it's time to ask for the expertise of a licensed, bonded, professional contractor.
Al: But finding a good contractor can be, well, as difficult as finding a date to the prom.
Tim: Yes, it can, Al. But this time, your mom won't bail you out. "Al, I can't fit in a limousine. Better use a backhoe."

Quote from Tim

Al: As I was saying, choosing a good contractor can be a daunting task.
Tim: You gotta ask the right questions. Are you licensed?
Al: Do you have a completion clause?
Tim: Are you using a porta-potty, or just using my front lawn?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Congratulations, Bill.
Bill: Thank you. Thank you. Now, when do I start the job?
Tim: Job? We're just playing a game here. There's no job.
Bill: I took a whole day off for nothing? I assumed there was a job.
Tim: Well, you know what happens when you assume. [chuckles] Well, what happens is Heidi's gonna tell you what you won.
Heidi: Uh... You won this key ring with a handy can opener.
Tim: There you go.
Heidi: There you go.
Tim: Yeah.
Bill: That's gonna come in real handy 'cause I'm about to open up a can of whoop-ass on the Tool Man.

Quote from Marty

Marty: Hey, girls, come on. Let's keep this party rolling. I gotta get to work.
Brad: Hey, Uncle Marty, my dad says you have a job in canine nutrition.
Marty: I stack kibble at a dog-food warehouse.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Children need boundaries, and Marty's not setting any. He lets them stay up as long as they want every night.
Tim: Jill...
Jill: He's not setting any limits on what kind of television they watch.
Tim: He's doing the best job he can. He's going through a separation. For God's sake, the guy can't be with his girls on his birthday. He's counting Snausages.

Quote from Tim

Jill: We never let our boys ride bikes in the house, birthday or no birthday.
Tim: Their parents are going through a separation.
Jill: Even more reason for them to have rules. They need a grownup to be in charge.
Tim: Huh. They're away from their mom for their birthday. Their dad is tasting liver treats for a living.
Jill: She sweet-talked you, didn't she? She did that thing where she goes, "Please, Uncle Tim?"
Tim: Actually, she went, "Uncle Tim, please!"

Quote from Tim

Jill: Girls, I'm sorry, but we can't ride bikes inside the house.
Gracie: Okay.
Claire: But Uncle Tim said he'd show me how to pop a wheelie.
Tim: No, no, no, no. You misunderstood me. What I said was, "Later on, we'll put the top on the Healey."
Claire: I want to ride my bike. Please, Uncle Tim?
Tim: Oh, come on. One wheelie.
Jill: We said no to our boys hundreds of times.
Tim: And look what happened to them.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I think maybe you better back off a little bit.
Jill: Okay, okay. I'll back off if I know that I've got your support if things get, you know, completely out of control.
Tim: If things get completely out of control, you have my support 110%.
Jill: How do you define "completely out of control"?
Tim: I can't define it. I'll know it when I have to clean it up.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Well, hi ho, neighbor.
Tim: Hidey ho back at you. You getting ready to knock off a liquor store?
Wilson: No, Tim. I'm experimenting with thermal headgear for my heli-skiing trip.
Tim: Well, I'd rather go skiing in hell with you than stay in this house with my brother.
Wilson: Oh, I didn't think it was Marty who was doing all the screaming.
Tim: No, it was Claire. That girl screams louder than Al's mom when you try to take away her pudding.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: It's impossible to talk to him. You know, I want to help him, but I'm running out of speeches.
Wilson: Well, you know, Tim, as someone whose first impulse is to speechify, I can promise you that isn't always the best solution.
Tim: I know how to get his attention, an atomic wedgie.
Wilson: Well, you could also try it my way. You know, sometimes, Tim, instead of sharing my wisdom, I try to give people the benefit of my experience.
Tim: What experience of mine would be helpful to Marty?
Wilson: Tim, you have helped raise three terrific kids.
Tim: What good would it be to tell Marty how I raised my kids?
Wilson: Well, don't tell him how you did it, just find a way to show him.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, Marty. You're doing good. Just hang tough, buddy. You'll be all right.
Claire: [shouts] [o.s.] I said I wanna be with Mommy!
Marty: That's it. Time-out's over. I'm going up there.
Tim: Hold on a second. I'll show you what to do. Take the cookie. Break it in half. Right now. Break it in half. Put half in your mouth. Give me the other half.
Marty: Now what?
Tim: Now we go to Legoland and build a bait and tackle shop and forget about this.
Marty: Oh, come on, come on.
Claire: [o.s.] All I want is that dumb, old cookie! [screams]
Marty: She's gonna hate me for the rest of my life.
Tim: I'll be surprised if in an hour she still hates you, okay? Now, I need a worm cooler, all right? Start on that.
Claire: [o.s.] [shouts] I hate it here so much!
Jill: What's going on?
Tim: We're building a bait and tackle shop during an air-raid siren.

Quote from Tim

Marty: You know, I was never any good at disciplining the kids. Nancy was always the one that had to tell them no. You know, every time they'd start to cry, I'd just...
Jill: Wait, wait, wait. Listen.
Marty: She stopped. Should I go up there?
Tim: No, no, careful. It might be a trap.

Quote from Tim

Tim: It's all finished. It's the first bait and tackle shop with its built-in lingerie department.
Jill: Huh.
Tim: And a little Tyra Banks out of Lego.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Gosh, it's so quiet. I'm really proud of Marty for getting through this.
Tim: We're just lucky our boys are through that phase.
Brad: [enters] You know, I hate living in this house. I mean, thanks to you guys, I'm cramped in a stupid little basement with my geeky brother, I've got no privacy, I've got no ventilation and last night, in the middle of his sleep, Mark starts singing a Puff Daddy medley! You know, this is crazy! This is insane! I hate living in this house! Gosh! [exits]
Jill: Well, at least he's potty-trained.

Quote from Tim

Al: So, without further ado, let's play The Contracting Game.
Heidi: Whoo! Let's meet our contestants!
Al: All right! Contractor number one is an ex-Navy man from Saginaw who enjoys appraisals, electrical work and long walks on the beach.
Heidi: Bill, say hello to Tim.
Bill: Hi, Tim.
Tim: Hey, Bill.
Al: Contractor number two calls himself a trustworthy Taurus who wrote the primmer on primer.
Heidi: Wally, say hello to Tim.
Wally: Hi, Tim.
Tim: Wally.
Al: And contractor number three says he's great at grouting, enjoys fine dining and will paint any surface at the drop of a cloth.
Heidi: Ed, say hello to Tim.
Ed: Hi, Tim. Tim, Tool Time is by far my favorite show.
Tim: I like him already.

Quote from Tim

Al: All right. Well, we've established that these men are qualified. So let's see how they stand up to the tough questions from The Tool Man.
Tim: Thank you, Al. All right, contractor number three, you say my kitchen work can be done in, uh, what? Six weeks? That's contractor time. What is that in real time?
Ed: Sixteen weeks and not a day more.
Tim: There's something to be said for honesty.
Ed: Okay, 18 weeks.
Tim: Contractor number two, I want to put in a new bathroom. Tile, sink, maybe a Jacuzzi.For 10 grand, can it be done?
Wally: Well, actually, that seems a little low.
Ed: Hey, Tim. Hey, It's Ed, contractor number three. I can do it for nine-five.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right, contractor number one, putting a parquet floor in my, uh, dining room. You get a call from the hospital. It's your wife. She's having a baby. Do you finish the floor or race to the hospital?
Bill: Well, Tim, my wife and I have been trying to have a baby for three years.
Tim: I've been trying to have a parquet floor for 10.
Bill: Well, I mean, if you really needed the work done, uh, I guess I'd do it.
Tim: Look at it this way, the floor will probably last longer than the marriage.
Bill: Yeah. Especially now, since my wife is watching.
Al: So the moment of truth has come.
Heidi: Are you going with contractor number one, contractor number two, or contractor number three?
Ed: Hey, Tim, it's Ed again. I would leave my family to do your parquet floor.
Tim: And yet I'm gonna go with contractor number one!

Quote from Tim

Marty: Jill, the girls' birthday cake is great. What's your secret?
Jill: Gretchen's Bakery. It's that place with the flashing neon lederhosen.
Tim: You know, I always thought Gretchen was selling something else there.

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