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‘He Ain't Heavy, He's Just Irresponsible’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: He Ain't Heavy, He's Just Irresponsible

405. He Ain't Heavy, He's Just Irresponsible

Aired October 18, 1994

Tim's brother Marty (William O'Leary) stops by and confides in Tim that he's thinking of leaving his wife.

Quote from Marty

Tim: I'm really glad you showed up.
Marty: Yeah, you missed me, huh?
Tim: No. if you hadn't shown up, Jill would still be chewing me out over this little hole. She will not fight in front of company. So as long as you're here, she won't yell at me.
Marty: Man, I wish Nancy was more like that. She doesn't care who's around. Remember she yelled at me at Uncle Henry's memorial service?
Tim: Marty, you lost the man's ashes.
Marty: I didn't lose them. I got into the convertible...
Tim: Which was your first mistake. And you're lucky I saved your butt. Do you know how many cigars I had to smoke to make one Uncle Henry?

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Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, you spend all the time you want polishing your family jewels. But that's not what we're talking about, we're talking about car finishes. As you can see, we've got several hoods out here. As a matter of fact, there's a couple of hoods backstage waiting for Al. He's apparently a little late on his flannel payment.
Al: You know, one of these days you're gonna run out of flannel jokes.
Tim: Oh, I don't think so, Al. Not with my Complete Flannel Joke Book. "Why did the flannel cross the road? 'Cause Al was over there." "Hey, waiter, there's a fly in my flannel." "Please, take my flannel." [Al takes the book] There's also the handy wallet-size version. "How do you keep an idiot wearing flannel in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow."

Quote from Al

Tim: Now, if the finish on your car is like this, in pretty good shape, what you need is a mild abrasive before you wax. For that, we recommend Binford's 2000 Polishing Compound.
Al: That's right. A dab on a soft cloth, and you'll have a shine you can be proud of. Look! I can see myself.
Tim: Okay, if you want to remove oxidation from surfaces, you need something a bit more abrasive.
Al: Like a can of Tim's personality.
Tim: Of course, a can of your personality would be empty.

Quote from Marty

Tim: So, what did you think of Tool Time today?
Marty: Oh, it was great. But only in this country could a goof-off like you get his own TV show.
Tim: [laughs] God bless America, huh?

Quote from Brad

Brad: [on the phone] The trick is, I towel-dry my hair first, wait about five minutes, and then I put on the mousse.
Jill: Brad, you've been on the phone for two hours.
Brad: Yeah. I've gotta go. My mom's bugging me again. All right. See ya. Bye. [hangs up]
Jill: You see Ashley all day at school, then you come home and spend all afternoon on the phone. What could you possibly have to say to each other? Your life is not that interesting.
Brad: Maybe not to you. But Ashley can't get enough of my mousse stories.

Quote from Jill

Tim: You won't believe what I got.
Jill: Take it back.
Tim: Something to make your life easier. Binford's new universal fan-cooled central vacuum system.
Jill: Ooh, is that one of those things where you just stick the hose right into the wall?
Tim: That'd be the one.
Jill: I have always wanted one of those.
Tim: The biggest, the best. A Binford demo. Didn't cost me a cent.
Jill: Take it back.
Tim: I know what you're thinking, but installation is a breeze.
Jill: That's what you always say, and then the breeze turns into a tornado.

Quote from Tim

Tim: It won't happen this time. Come on, Jill. [pouts]
Jill: Don't make that face.
Tim: I'll keep it simple and just do one room. All I got to do is run a PVC tube down to the basement, attach it to the central unit.
Jill: You swear that's all there is to it?
Tim: Just think - no more carrying a heavy vacuum upstairs or back down the stairs. It's got a flexible hose with hand controls. Convertible upholstery brush.
Jill: Crevice attachment?
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah. So long and narrow, it'll suck the tonsils out of a cobra. [hisses]
Jill: Well, it would be nice to have a central vacuuming system.
Tim: Yeah. Give me a week, this whole house will suck.

Quote from Jill

Tim: I thought you were at the library, working on your paper.
Jill: No, I couldn't concentrate. All these young college boys kept bothering me.
Tim: Were they hitting on you?
Jill: No. They thought I was the librarian.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I can't even use my computer. Just once, I'd like to be able to come home and find the house in one piece.
Tim: Well, it would have been if you hadn't shown up two hours early.
Jill: So this is my fault?
Tim: In a way, yes. You would have never known about this if you had proper study habits.
Jill: Tim, please. Just fix the hole. Then fix the one in your head.

Quote from Tim

Al: What we recommend is Binford's Super 2000 Rubbing Compound before you polish or wax.
Tim: Right. Now, this surface, as you can see, cannot be brought back with anything. What we need is to take the paint off of it.
Al: That's right. And for that, we need something more abrasive, maybe an 80-grit wetdry sandpaper.
Tim: Exactly. That'll remove your paint and you can start from there. But for even more abrasive things, we move on to... sandblasters. [grunts] Open-shoe grinders. And the most abrasive of all... the nagging wife.

Quote from Tim

Marty: Seems like ever since we had the babies all we do is fight.
Tim: Good shot. Come on, it's only been six months. Give it a chance. When Brad was first born, I had to make a lot of adjustments. I had to wait in line for Jill to give me a bath.
Marty: I'm talking, when I get home, I don't even get a "Hello."
Tim: I didn't care if she said hello, I just wanted my bath.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, did you try and talk him out of it?
Tim: Of course I tried to talk him out of it. Told him when you have a family you don't bail out and run away.
Jill: That was good. That was good.
Tim: You just admit your life is over and take it like a man.
Jill: "Your life is over"?
Tim: Yeah... The bad part of it's over. The good part of it is just beginning.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Hey, Wilson. What are you doing?
Wilson: Tim, I'm pondering my Bonseki.
Tim: Isn't it funny how guys never get tired of doing that?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, Tim. A Bonseki is a miniature Japanese rock garden.
Tim: Wow. Let me see.
Wilson: Don't touch it. You see, Tim, the Zen Buddhists believe that by contemplating this tiny, symbolic landscape one can achieve greater understanding.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Maybe it'll help me understand what's wrong with my brother. We had a fight and I haven't seen him since.
Wilson: Really? I thought you two got along rather well.
Tim: Oh, we usually do. When my dad died, he was only one, I was 11. Mom went back to work so I took care of him a lot.
Wilson: Hm. That's a lot of responsibility.
Tim: Yeah. It was a lot of good times, too. I taught him how to do all sorts of stuff - hawk a loogie, shoot a spit wad. Boy, no one teaches spitwad shooting better than me.
Wilson: Well, I'm aware of that. Your boys have launched a few wet ones over my way.
Tim: Taught him how to ride his bike, drive his first car.
Wilson: So what you're saying is you were part father, part brother.
Tim: Yeah. Kinda like a "frother."

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, Tim, the Roman orator Appius Claudius Caecus once said that every man is the architect of his own fortune. Now, Marty is a man. He's not a boy anymore.
Tim: When he was a kid, he'd listen to me anytime I wanted. All I had to do was tie him to a tree and pour root beer on his pointed little head.
Wilson: Tim, I think what your brother needs is for you to be a brother and a friend.
Tim: Instead of a "frother," more of a "briend."
Wilson: In a manner of speaking.
Tim: Night, Wilson.
Wilson: Sayonara, Tim.
Tim: Uh, marinara to you, too.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Marty, stick around.
Marty: Why? You want to rip into me some more?
Tim: Look, I'm sorry I did that at the bar, OK?
Marty: No, Tim, you made it real clear how you feel.
Tim: Well, I've had time to think about it. I think we should talk, all right? Stick around, have something to drink? What do you want?
Marty: Anything but root beer.
Tim: I guess we're past me tying you up to Mrs. Campbell's tree and pouring root beer on your head, huh? It's like the Roman guy Apricot said: "if you roam around with architects, buy rocks, put 'em in the sand, and you'll understand."
Marty: Let me think about that.

Quote from Marty

Marty: You're telling me things are gonna get better, right?
Tim: There's no guarantees, I'm just saying things got better for Jill and l.
Marty: But you're telling me I shouldn't leave.
Tim: Marty, I'm not gonna tell you that. I can't do this. You gotta make your own decision here.
Marty: I can't imagine my life without Nancy.
Tim: I can't imagine any other woman havin' ya.
Marty: I sure hate the idea of leaving the kids. I mean, when they're not puking and pooping, they're really cute.
Tim: They do grow out of that, you know. Help me fix the distributor on the hot rod, will you?
Marty: I'm just looking forward to the day when I can pick up one of the kids and nothing gooey shoots out at me.

Quote from Tim

Mark: What happened?
Tim: I'm trying to dry out the carpet pad.
Mark: How'd it get wet?
Tim: I made a little hole.
Mark: Where?
Tim: In a big water pipe.
Mark: Holy cow! What happened?
Tim: Well, I ran into a little snag trying to run the wiring back in through here. I think I fixed the water pipe. I think I can get the floor fixed before your mom gets home.
Jill: [o.s.] Hello! I'm home!
Tim: Or maybe not.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Where are you going?
Jill: Well, I have to finish this paper by this Friday. If I don't get it done by then, I'm gonna be digging myself into a big hole.
Tim: So you could understand how that sort of thing might happen?
Jill: Tim, there's a giant hole in the floor.
Tim: Oh, that's not a giant hole. The Grand Canyon would be a big hole. That...
Jill: You told me the hole was gonna be this big.
Tim: Well, it is this big. I started right here, but I had to move the water pipes over just to get the... [continues talking]
Jill: The same old story every time. You come up with some idiotic idea, I say no, you make a pathetic little face, then I give in, and before I know it, you're pulling up the floor.
Tim: ...I pull up the floor.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Honey.
Jill: [o.s.] I'm not talking to you.
Tim: Little argument.
Marty: Uh, the hole?
Tim: The hole, yeah. Jill, my brother's here.
Jill: [o.s.] Danny?
Tim: No, the one that doesn't owe me money.
Jill: [o.s.] Marty!

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