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‘He Ain't Heavy, He's Just Irresponsible’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: He Ain't Heavy, He's Just Irresponsible

405. He Ain't Heavy, He's Just Irresponsible

Aired October 18, 1994

Tim's brother Marty (William O'Leary) stops by and confides in Tim that he's thinking of leaving his wife.

Quote from Marty

Tim: I'm really glad you showed up.
Marty: Yeah, you missed me, huh?
Tim: No. if you hadn't shown up, Jill would still be chewing me out over this little hole. She will not fight in front of company. So as long as you're here, she won't yell at me.
Marty: Man, I wish Nancy was more like that. She doesn't care who's around. Remember she yelled at me at Uncle Henry's memorial service?
Tim: Marty, you lost the man's ashes.
Marty: I didn't lose them. I got into the convertible...
Tim: Which was your first mistake. And you're lucky I saved your butt. Do you know how many cigars I had to smoke to make one Uncle Henry?

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Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, you spend all the time you want polishing your family jewels. But that's not what we're talking about, we're talking about car finishes. As you can see, we've got several hoods out here. As a matter of fact, there's a couple of hoods backstage waiting for Al. He's apparently a little late on his flannel payment.
Al: You know, one of these days you're gonna run out of flannel jokes.
Tim: Oh, I don't think so, Al. Not with my Complete Flannel Joke Book. "Why did the flannel cross the road? 'Cause Al was over there." "Hey, waiter, there's a fly in my flannel." "Please, take my flannel." [Al takes the book] There's also the handy wallet-size version. "How do you keep an idiot wearing flannel in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow."

Quote from Al

Tim: Now, if the finish on your car is like this, in pretty good shape, what you need is a mild abrasive before you wax. For that, we recommend Binford's 2000 Polishing Compound.
Al: That's right. A dab on a soft cloth, and you'll have a shine you can be proud of. Look! I can see myself.
Tim: Okay, if you want to remove oxidation from surfaces, you need something a bit more abrasive.
Al: Like a can of Tim's personality.
Tim: Of course, a can of your personality would be empty.

Quote from Marty

Tim: So, what did you think of Tool Time today?
Marty: Oh, it was great. But only in this country could a goof-off like you get his own TV show.
Tim: [laughs] God bless America, huh?

Quote from Brad

Brad: [on the phone] The trick is, I towel-dry my hair first, wait about five minutes, and then I put on the mousse.
Jill: Brad, you've been on the phone for two hours.
Brad: Yeah. I've gotta go. My mom's bugging me again. All right. See ya. Bye. [hangs up]
Jill: You see Ashley all day at school, then you come home and spend all afternoon on the phone. What could you possibly have to say to each other? Your life is not that interesting.
Brad: Maybe not to you. But Ashley can't get enough of my mousse stories.

Quote from Jill

Tim: You won't believe what I got.
Jill: Take it back.
Tim: Something to make your life easier. Binford's new universal fan-cooled central vacuum system.
Jill: Ooh, is that one of those things where you just stick the hose right into the wall?
Tim: That'd be the one.
Jill: I have always wanted one of those.
Tim: The biggest, the best. A Binford demo. Didn't cost me a cent.
Jill: Take it back.
Tim: I know what you're thinking, but installation is a breeze.
Jill: That's what you always say, and then the breeze turns into a tornado.

Quote from Tim

Tim: It won't happen this time. Come on, Jill. [pouts]
Jill: Don't make that face.
Tim: I'll keep it simple and just do one room. All I got to do is run a PVC tube down to the basement, attach it to the central unit.
Jill: You swear that's all there is to it?
Tim: Just think - no more carrying a heavy vacuum upstairs or back down the stairs. It's got a flexible hose with hand controls. Convertible upholstery brush.
Jill: Crevice attachment?
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah. So long and narrow, it'll suck the tonsils out of a cobra. [hisses]
Jill: Well, it would be nice to have a central vacuuming system.
Tim: Yeah. Give me a week, this whole house will suck.

Quote from Jill

Tim: I thought you were at the library, working on your paper.
Jill: No, I couldn't concentrate. All these young college boys kept bothering me.
Tim: Were they hitting on you?
Jill: No. They thought I was the librarian.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I can't even use my computer. Just once, I'd like to be able to come home and find the house in one piece.
Tim: Well, it would have been if you hadn't shown up two hours early.
Jill: So this is my fault?
Tim: In a way, yes. You would have never known about this if you had proper study habits.
Jill: Tim, please. Just fix the hole. Then fix the one in your head.

Quote from Tim

Al: What we recommend is Binford's Super 2000 Rubbing Compound before you polish or wax.
Tim: Right. Now, this surface, as you can see, cannot be brought back with anything. What we need is to take the paint off of it.
Al: That's right. And for that, we need something more abrasive, maybe an 80-grit wetdry sandpaper.
Tim: Exactly. That'll remove your paint and you can start from there. But for even more abrasive things, we move on to... sandblasters. [grunts] Open-shoe grinders. And the most abrasive of all... the nagging wife.

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