Tim: Son, your new basement room. Step in.
Randy: Whoa, Dad! This is great! A boy's bunker, a lad's pad, a kid's castle...
Tim: Hey, Randy. It's my show, OK?

Randy: That's it, Dad. I've had it. I can't live with this little dweeb anymore.
Tim: Hey, it's not that bad. A little puddle in the middle of it. You can still read the outside of it. There you go. "The Senate today was rocked by scandal as two members... [mumbles]" Talk about your yellow journalism.

Wilson: You know, Tim, I'm reminded of the great Winston Churchill. He said you could take the most gallant sailor, the most intrepid airman, the most audacious soldier, put them at a table together - what do you get?
Tim: Throw in a cowboy and a policeman, you got the Village People playin' poker.
Wilson: No, Tim. What you get is the sum of their fears.
Tim: I don't understand.
Wilson: What I'm saying, Tim, if these men had been able to admit their fears, they would've realized there was no reason to be ashamed of them. [owl screeches]
Tim: Woo-hoo! That scared me.
Wilson: Oh, boy! It scared me, too.
Tim: And I'm not ashamed to admit it... although, I do have to change my pants.

Tim: I'm sorry I scared you.
Randy: I wasn't scared.
Tim: It's okay to be scared. You know Winston Churchill? He's scared to death of the Village People.
Randy: I didn't know that.

Jill: He's just growing so fast. It seems like yesterday that I brought him home from the hospital.
Tim: If you're talking about last week, that was me.
Jill: He used to be so attached to me. I couldn't leave a room without him grabbing onto my leg.
Tim: I believe that was also me.

Randy: Hi, Brad.
Brad: Don't start with me. I know you're just gonna talk about how great your new room is.
Randy: All I said was "Hi, Brad."
Brad: See? There you go again.
Randy: All right, Brad. You want the basement, you can have it.
Brad: Yeah, right.
Randy: No, no, I'm serious. I'll trade you rooms.
Brad: All right, what did Dad screw up? Is the room tilted? Hey, did the ceiling cave in?

Randy: Dad, Mark got his dirty clothes all over my desk. He's a total pig.
Tim: You think your roommate's a pig? How do you think mine feels?

Randy: I gotta have my own room.
Jill: Randy, it is 11 o'clock at night. Now, I promise tomorrow we'll set aside some special time and we'll sit down and talk about it.
Randy: In other words, you're hoping I'll forget about it by then.
Jill: It worked when you were younger.

Tim: Hey, wait a minute! What about the basement?
Jill: I'm too old for that hard cement floor.
Tim: No. I could build him a bedroom in the basement.
Jill: Tim, we've talked about this before. I don't want one of the boys down there. It's too far away.
Tim: I could put an intercom in. You could nag at the touch of a button.
Jill: It is not just that. It's cold. It's damp. There's no light down there.
Tim: Maybe it is now. But you gotta picture it the way I'm gonna make it.
Jill: I'm picturing what it's like every time you renovate. There's a big hole in the wall and two paramedics.
Tim: First of all, I'll make no holes in the wall. And you know what? It might be kind of cool to see Dave and Biff again.

Jill: Well, it's true that it's been a disaster putting Randy and Mark in the same room.
Tim: That's exactly why we should split them up and give him his own room.
Jill: I hate to admit this. But you might be... right.
Tim: Of course I'm right. Of course I'm right. And the best part about it? I can make a Tool Time remote out of this.
Jill: Oh, come on. Every time we build something, why does Tool Time have to be dragged over here?
Tim: Because the house is too heavy to drag over to Tool Time.