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‘Look Who's Not Talking’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Look Who's Not Talking

111. Look Who's Not Talking

Aired December 10, 1991

Jill keeps procrastinating when it comes to writing a speech, so Tim agrees to look after the boys and tidy up the house so Jill can get to work.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Don't think of the audience as a group. When I first did Tool Time, I was petrified. So I tried to visualize it as just one person.
Jill: The first time you did Tool Time there was just one person.
Tim: That's not my point. I tried to visualize that person as being in their underwear.
Jill: He was in his underwear.
Tim: He was not.

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Quote from Tim

Brad: Come on, Dad, we want to go back to the park. I told Bob and Stinky that we'd be back.
Tim: Well, Bob and Stinky are just gonna have to wait. 'cause we're gonna clean this house up for your ma. We do that to support our woman.
Brad: I don't have a woman.
Tim: Well, maybe Stinky could set you up with one.
Mark: I have a woman, Mommy.
Randy: Your mommy can't be your woman, doofus.
Tim: A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure that one out, I tell you.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, she's probably just afraid of appearing foolish in public. I believe it was Samuel Clemens who said...
Tim: Samuel Clemens?
Wilson: Well, you'd know him better as Mark Twain.
Tim: Oh.
Wilson: But that was just a pseudonym. A sobriquet.
Tim: Of course - a pseudonym, a sobriquet. Spell one of those. Pick one. Just...
Wilson: Let's just say pen name, Tim.
Tim: OK.
Wilson: Anyway, he said: "Better to have people think you're a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." [chuckles] My, my, my, my. What do you think about that, Tim? [Tim is silent] Tim.

Quote from Al

Tim: We've cut all our side panels. And I've just finished drilling the holes for our dowel joints. If I were to put a hinge right here, Al, we'd have a pretty swinging joint, wouldn't we? [imitates trumpet] Take it, Al.
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know, Jill. I think I've got the problem licked. Best summed up by this wonderful quote: "It is better not to open your mouth and appear foolish, than to open it and fool them."
Jill: Thank you, honey. That's a big help.
Tim: It's Mark Twain.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Jill, it's just a two-minute speech.
Jill: Yeah, but it's to 250 people.
Tim: You're... You're making a lot more out of this than it really is.
Jill: Well, that's easy for you to say. You do this for a living. It doesn't bother you, you know? You love attention and you have a big mouth.

Quote from Randy

Tim: We are gonna clean the house the power way.
Brad: Cleaning the house is a girl's job.
Tim: Hey, hey, we are enlightened men. And enlightened men share household responsibilities, right?
Mark: What's "enlightened"?
Randy: It means "scared of Mom".

Quote from Jill

Tim: What the hell have you been doing up there?
Jill: I just feel self-conscious getting up in front of a group of people.
Tim: You don't like the way you look?
Jill: What's wrong with the way I look?
Tim: Nothing. That was just a question.
Jill: Why was that the first question you asked?
Tim: All right, here's another first question. Are you so attractive and thin you're afraid to go up in front of people?
Jill: So, what, you're saying I'm fat and ugly?
Tim: I'm not gonna win at this, am I?
Jill: It's not looking good.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I'm serious. Where is the vacuum cleaner?
Tim: Oh, you mean the Daisy Soft Sweep Decor Model in burnt almond?
Jill: That's the one.
Tim: I think you're gonna like what we did. Mark, plug her in.
Jill: Well, that doesn't look too bad.
Tim: On the outside, it maintains that feminine allure. On the inside, I've doubled its chromosome count.
Jill: Did you rewire it?
Tim: I tweaked it.
Jill: Well, it sounds the same.
Tim: That's because it's in the "whisper" mode for light cleaning. If you want to get the deep-down dirt, we turn to the new "power suck" mode.
[As Tim turns the vacuum up, papers fly through the living room and Mark grabs onto the door frame as he floats into the air]

Quote from Jill

Tim: Jill, I thought you were working on that library speech.
Jill: Well, I came down to get something to eat. And I noticed the refrigerator light was out.
Tim: So?
Jill: So I happen to think it's very important to have a nice, bright refrigerator light.
Tim: Jill, you're procrastinating again.
Jill: I am not procrastinating. Ew. Look at this refrigerator. It's filthy. I have to clean this now.
Tim: Jill, why did you agree to give this speech?
Jill: Because I want to give this speech.
Tim: Then why aren't you working on it?
Jill: Because I had to replace the refrigerator light.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Look, you don't have to do anything the rest of the day except breathe and write that speech. I'll keep the boys out of your hair. I'll handle everything. Just try to go upstairs and finish the speech.
Jill: Thank you, sweetie.
Tim: Got it.
Jill: But first I'm gonna clean the house, 'cause it's really filth.
Tim: No, you're not getting off the hook. Go upstairs, write the speech. Stop procrastinating. I will clean this house, top to bottom.
Jill: Do you promise that you won't rewire or blow up anything?
Tim: Why are you so mean to me?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Do you really think I can do this thing?
Tim: Yes, of course. You can do anything you want, Jill. Nobody thought you could land me as a husband and...
Jill: Well, that's certainly inspirational.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Anyway, next time, Al and I will show you how to complete the entire bookcase. And that brings us to the Tool Time tip of the day: housecleaning. Oh, I can hear the guys out there going, [inquisitive grunt] "Get the wife in here, Tim. So she can hear this." No, no, no, men. Housekeeping, housecleaning. House-taking-care-of is like shop maintenance. It's for men, too. Men, it's the '90s. We should share in the housecleaning responsibilities, right? [audience are silent] I didn't hear anything. You know, I'm judging from the lack of enthusiasm that you men are disinterested. And maybe it's because they do not design housecleaning equipment with men in mind. If they did, it would have what?
Audience: More power!
Tim: You're darn right, more power. And maybe a little style, too. How can they expect us to clean a house with housecleaning equipment that's not designed for us? Oh, the Daisy Soft Sweep Decor Series in harvest gold. The vacuum cleaner from hell. What is this all about? I want a man's vacuum cleaner. How about an Indianapolis 500 version? All burnished chrome, matte black, analogue gauges, turbo boost in there. [imitates engine] More power, it'll suck the throat out of a parrot. [grunts] Whew. Maybe I stepped over the line just a little bit just then. But I think you get my point. There's nothing wrong with a man doing housework. I mean, Al does a lot of the cleaning around here.
Al: I do all the cleaning, Tim.
Tim: Yeah, right, Al.
Al: Well, I could use some help.
Tim: We all could, Al. I'm Tim Taylor. I want to give you a little tip here. Half the dirt in the world is men's. Let's clean it up. See you next time.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Let me ask you this. Have you gotten past the point where you say: "Good afternoon. It's a pleasure to be here today"?
Jill: Can I use that?
Tim: You haven't written your first line yet?
Jill: Yes, but yours is better.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Okay, look, give me that first line again.
Tim: "Good afternoon..."
Tim: "It's a pleasure to be here today."
Jill: "It's a pleasure to be here today."
Tim: Wait, wait, wait. Think I've got the last line for you. "Thank you very much. It's been a pleasure being here today."

Quote from Randy

Randy: I've got a great joke for you. You can use it in your speech, if you want.
Jill: Oh, okay. Shoot.
Randy: OK, I got it. If a snake married an undertaker, what would their towels say?
Jill: A snake and an undertaker. I don't know. What?
Randy: "Hiss" and "hearse". [laughs]

Quote from Brad

Jill: Now, how's your dad doing with all that housecleaning?
Randy: Okay.
Brad: Yeah, okay.
Jill: I don't like the looks of that look. What's going on?
Brad: Uh... nothing.
Randy: Dad's not doing anything.
Jill: What exactly is Dad not doing?
Brad: He's not rewiring the vacuum.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Hmm.
Tim: What are you doing?
Wilson: Just carving out a canoe, Tim.
Tim: Sounds hard.
Wilson: Not really, Tim. You just take a big block of wood and chip away everything that's not a canoe.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Say, Wilson, are you afraid of speaking in public?
Wilson: To be honest with you, Tim, I don't go out in public.
Tim: Ah. Jill's got to give a speech today and she's really concerned about it.
Wilson: Perfectly natural.
Tim: It's not natural. I like speaking in public. I talk all the time. Some days I get in conversations with people I don't even know. I mean, I'll talk and talk... Sometimes I...
Wilson: Tim.
Tim: What?
Wilson: I get the point.

Quote from Jill

Tim: The speech isn't the problem. What is going on here?
Jill: Tim, I'm gonna be standing up there in front of 250 people. That's 500 eyes watching me. 500 ears listening to me.
Tim: Ugh. That's 1,000 organs, no wonder you're nervous.

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