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‘Mark's Big Break’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Mark's Big Break

816. Mark's Big Break

Aired February 9, 1999

After Tim finally finishes the hot rod, he asks Mark to produce a video to unveil the car on Tool Time.

Quote from Brad

Jill: Look, I know the video was bizarre. But isn't there something that you can do?
Tim: Sure. I could present it to the devil as an offering.
Jill: Couldn't you do some sort of special blooper show?
Brad: Mom, Dad already has one. It's called Tool Time.

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Quote from Wilson

[As Tim bends down to pick up firewood next to the fence, Wilson slaps him with an animal hide]
Wilson: Happy Valentine's Day, good neighbor.
Tim: Why don't you just send a greeting card?
Wilson: Well, some historians claim that Valentine's Day can be traced to the ancient festival of Lupercalia. See, in Rome, people would slap each other using animal pelts, to heighten fertility.
Tim: We used to do that in high school. Using a wet towel would just heighten people's voices. [fake groaning]
Wilson: It is great fun, I'll tell you. I bet Jill would love to strike you with an animal hide.
Tim: I bet you Mark would like to take a whack at me himself.
Wilson: Yeah. Jill told me about the video.
Tim: I cannot show that video on Tool Time. On the other hand, I don't want to discourage the kid from doing something he's passionate about.
Wilson: So, in the words of the Anglican leader Lorenzo Dow, "You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't."
Tim: You can go back to your lubrication festival.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Tim, let me ask you something. When you asked Mark to create this video, did you give him any guidelines?
Tim: Yeah. I said, it was my show, my show, my show.
Wilson: Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha.
Tim: Not much to go on, is it? It's like telling a guy to build a house without blueprints.
Wilson: Which is something you wouldn't do.
Tim: I might. I actually did once. That house was a disaster.
Wilson: Yeah.
Tim: But the ratings went through the roof, just like the water heater.

Quote from Mark

Tim: I think he can do it. He's been interning down at Tool Time. He's been doing a great job.
Mark: Thank you, Dad. I promise, I won't disappoint you.
Tim: Don't disappoint me. But there's ground rules. Three of them. Big ones. My show, my show, my show.
Mark: I gotta go.
Tim: All right. And remember, I want the video up to Tool Time high standards, okay?
Mark: Gotcha. I'll blow something up.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Okay, girls, we gotta get busy. You know what day Sunday is.
Claire: Valentine's Day.
Jill: Yup. And I bought cards for all your friends. I always loved Valentine's Day. Except for when I was in sixth grade and I got braces on my teeth and the only valentine I got from was this kid named Jason Schumacher. The kid with head lice. Then, in eighth grade, the braces came off, the bra came on, and then, "Hello, valentines." I was swimming in them.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Well, once I get it finished, I gotta think of some exciting way to show it to the audience.
Jill: Well, how about this? Okay, you start up the engine, you drive it out.
Tim: I like it.
Jill: People everywhere are cheering.
Tim: They're cheering.
Jill: Then you make this big announcement. "This is the last hot rod I will ever build."
Tim: Good one.

Quote from Brad

Tim: You guys aren't leaving till you both come up with an idea about the hot rod show for me.
Mark: Dad, I got a geometry test.
Tim: Mark, this is important.
Brad: How about a real emotional Tool Time?
Tim: Go with it. Come on.
Brad: What could be more dramatic than giving your eldest son the keys to that '46 Ford?
Tim: Good one.

Quote from Tim

Jill: It's really nice, your giving Mark this chance.
Tim: I've got a lot of confidence in that kid. And he might be able to bring a younger audience in. I could reach young tool men and mold them before their minds are fully functioning.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, that finishes up another Tool Time show. Al, why don't you tell everybody about the big show we got coming up?
Al: That's right. Be sure to tune in Tuesday for a very special Tool Time, when Tim presents his totally restored '46 Ford convertible.
Tim: Plus a little video tribute directed and created by my son, Mark.
Al: You know, you have your family working here. What would it take to get Mother on the show?
Tim: We'd have to widen that door and put some brisket down.

Quote from Tim

Marty: Where are my girls?
Tim: They're on a play date with a friend of theirs, and Jill took them all to the mall. She's probably getting me something really cool for Valentine's Day.
Marty: You get her something special?
Tim: I did something she's been wanting me to do for three years, finish the hot rod. Yes, I'm getting her something special.
Marty: You know, it's funny. All the time that Nancy and I were together, I always figured Valentine's Day was just some annoying holiday that women made up.
Tim: It's true. Legend has it it was a little town called Climax, Michigan. 1964, group of women around a salad bar. One was making up Valentine's Day. The other two were inventing stuff like, "Dressings on the side," and, "I just want to be held."

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, Tim, Mark has his own vision and you have yours. Now, if you want to hire him for your show, you've got to communicate what you want in an articulate and a professional manner.
Tim: [grunts] I love articulating. Yeah.
Wilson: Maybe the two of you can work together. They say, sometimes, that two heads are better than one.
Tim: So, you did see the video?

Quote from Tim

Tim: It all comes back to Tool Time. It's called "The Lost Episode."
Mark: Never heard of it.
Tim: Hence the name "Lost Episode." Nobody's seen it. Not even Mom. When I got out of college, I was just fresh out of two film classes, right? I got my own show, and I wanted to show off. You know, my creativity was just burning through me, right? So, I did my first episode about building a table from the perspective of the saw.
Mark: Oh, man.
Tim: Yeah, that's what Binford said. That's what the crowd said. That's what the saw blade actually said. [imitates rotating blade]
Mark: The saw?
Tim: It talked. Binford didn't like it too much.
Mark: So, what did they do?
Tim: Well, they sat me down and we had a nice conversation about it. And they gave me some directions, not the dumb guidelines I gave you. And I'm thinking that if we brainstorm with some of the guys down at Tool Time, we could come up with a great episode for next week.
Mark: You're giving me a second chance?
Tim: You bet I am. Come on, this is about our hot rod. I'm not just letting anybody do this.

Quote from Marty

Marty: Okay, girls, gotta go to work. I'm late.
Claire: Where are you working today, Daddy?
Marty: Actually, today I'm working for a governmental contractor under the auspices of the Michigan Department of Highways.
Claire: Wow.
Marty: Yeah. [to Jill] I'm fixing potholes.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Okay. Claire, I have your class roster here. And your first name is Gary Adams. Now, the key is to write a really personal little message on them.
Claire: [stamps card] Next?
Jill: [chuckles] Well, that's a way to go. Okay. Gracie, your first name is Tommy Anderson.
Gracie: I'm gonna write a special one to him. He likes me.
Jill: That's because he thinks you're me. Well, that's not a nice thing to say, Gracie.
Claire: I'm Claire.
Jill: I knew that.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, guys. Guess what's happening on Sunday?
Jill: Well, we know, but we're frankly surprised that you know.
Tim: I think I'd remember the day I get my custom shift knob for the hot rod.
Jill: Shifter-knob Sunday. And me without a ham.
Tim: Custom-made, you know? It's the last piece of the puzzle. Found it up in Lansing. Guy's gonna scoot it down here. It'll be here Sunday. Once I screw it on, the hot rod is complete.
Jill: Finished? Done? Over?
Tim: As in over with, finito, that's it.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Wow, girls, your Uncle Tim finally finished the hot rod.
Gracie: You're finishing your hot rod for Valentine's Day?
Tim: That's right, Claire.
Gracie: I'm Gracie.
Tim: I knew that.

Quote from Mark

Brad: Well, we're off to school.
Jill: You gonna be able to drive?
Brad: Yeah. I'll be fine. I just... I don't know how I'm gonna carry home all those valentines I'll be getting.
Mark: I'm sure you'll have plenty of cargo space in that swelled head.

Quote from Al

Heidi: And after 24 hours, you'll have the appearance of natural wood grain on your aluminum door.
Al: Now, that's what I call a simply fabulous faux finish.
Tim: And that's what I call simply spending too much time with your mother.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, Tim, Al and Heidi here. You might recognize us from over there.
Al: Poor air quality is an issue we all deal with. Many of us in urban areas are forced to breathe noxious fumes.
Tim: Heidi's the one that had the breakfast burrito.
Al: To protect ourselves from pollutants and particles in the air, we're proud to introduce the Binford 6100 sports respirator.
Tim: It's lightweight, and fashionable. Plus the mouthpiece comes in designer colors, a full array of them.
Al: Mine's kiwi.
Heidi: Breathe cleaner, healthier air.
All: Breathe Binford.

Quote from Tim

Mark: Tell us about the engine.
Man: Well, she's got 225 horsepower at 5500 RPM.And she's ported, polished and relieved. Full...
Tim: Full race cam and three Stromberg 97s. [grunts]
Mark: Dad, you're in my shot.
[later:]
Man #2: The electrical on this '46 Ford is wired like a computer. It's all parallel, no crisscross. The connectors, heat-shrunk. Prevents corrosion.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, no corrosion on those babies. No corrosion. [grunts]

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