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‘Burnin' Love’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Burnin' Love

604. Burnin' Love

Aired October 8, 1996

Randy has feelings for Lauren, the car-loving girl he's writing an article with for the school paper, but he's nervous about telling her how he feels.

Quote from Jill

Jill: It just goes totally against my instincts. I mean, when my kid has a problem, I just want to rush in and fix it.
Wilson: But if Randy learns to fend for himself now, then when he's an adult he'll be more independent.
Jill: Well, who better to help him be independent than his mother?
Wilson: Oh, Jill, I know this is rough on you, but Randy will get through this. In the words of the famous German philosopher Friedrich Nietzche, "That which does not destroy me only makes me stronger".
Jill: What did Nietzche know? He wasn't a mother.
Wilson: Jill, maybe you're being just a wee bit overprotective.
Jill: Oh, what do you know? You're not a mother either.
Wilson: Well, thanks for stopping by. It's always a pleasure.

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Quote from Wilson

Jill: You, uh, happen to have anything for a broken heart? Randy is devastated because this girl that he really likes is going out with somebody else.
Wilson: Ah. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Oh, I know how painful that can be. I'll never forget losing my first love, Debbie Ann. We were in fourth grade. I guess we were about nine years of age. We were inseparable until one day at the playground we had a big fight.
Jill: About what?
Wilson: Well, I was a big believer in laissez-faire capitalism, and she was a neo-Marxist.
Jill: Kids.
Wilson: Mm-hmm. True.

Quote from Randy

Randy: So, you're saying I might still have a chance with Lauren.
Jill: Honey, if there's hope for me to cook a decent meal, there's hope for you and Lauren.
Randy: So, you're saying there's no hope?
Jill: All right, all right. Try this. Come on.
Randy: Wow. That's... That's fantastic. It tastes like food.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Tim, which dish should I make for the potluck? I got Italian, French, Chinese...
Tim: Um... go with British. That way if the meal comes out horrible, people will think that's how it's supposed to taste. [doorbell] I'll get it. Where did you get all those cookbooks?
Jill: I don't know. It's strange. People keep giving them to me.
Tim: That is strange.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I picked up the mail. You're invited to your annual psychology department potluck dinner.
Jill: I am one step ahead of them. I am already making my tuna surprise.
Tim: I'll take a big step backwards. They've banned you from bringing any food this year.
Jill: Yeah. Like they wrote that on the invitation. They wrote it on the invitation.
Tim: That's pretty insensitive for a bunch of psychologists. You know, maybe they need some therapy, honey.
Jill: Is my tuna surprise really that bad?
Tim: [grimaces] Mm. No, you know...
Jill: The truth.
Tim: Truth is a relative thing, honey. Truth is, even your relatives won't eat it.
Jill: Well, I'll show them. I bet with a little thought and creativity I can make something that will make them forget the tuna surprise.
Tim: Like the antidote.

Quote from Tim

Lauren: Hey, this is an original old convertible. It's all metal, too.
Tim: [condescending] It's a Ford.
Lauren: Yes, I know. I'm guessing it's a '46.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Lauren: Look at these tail lights. You are gonna French 'em, aren't ya?
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah, yeah.
Lauren: Did you chop the windshield frame yourself?
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
Lauren: And you gotta shave these door handles.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, I'm gonna. Yeah, I gotta shave them. Yeah. Oh. You know a lot about cars for a girl.
Lauren: For a girl?
Tim: Or a boy. Either one.

Quote from Tim

Lauren: Well, I always loved anything with a motor. While all my friends were playing with a Barbie, I was souping up her Corvette.
Tim: The little pink Corvette?
Lauren: Yeah.
Tim: With the spoiler in the back and the little mag wheels. It was a really cool...
Lauren: Yeah.
Tim: I loved that thing.
Lauren: Wow.
Randy: How would you know?
Tim: Never mind.

Quote from Randy

Jason: Hey, don't be so hard on him. Randy, may I say I've always found you to be a very upstanding young man with a strong commitment to hygiene.
Randy: Jason, what do you want?
Jason: Brad?
Brad: Well, Jason's gonna be getting some tickets to a concert and, uh...
Randy: You're inviting me to go?
Brad & Jason: No.
Brad: We're inviting you to lend us money so we can go.
Jason: It's very simple.
Randy: Oh. And, uh, I'm inviting you to bite me.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You know, he's very excited about writing the article.
Lauren: Yeah, me too.
Tim: What are you writing about, cars?
Lauren: No, it's about school budget cuts. It's called, "Why Must the Ballet Club Suffer?"
Tim: Easy. So the audience isn't the only one in pain.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi, Lucille. Welcome to the show.
Lucille Treganowan: I'm happy to be here.
Tim: I'm happy you're here. So, um... So, um, what do you do?
Al: Well, actually, she's just written a book about car repair.
Tim: What kind of car do you drive?
Lucille Treganowan: An '86 Park Avenue.
Tim: [whistles] Does it run on Metamucil?
Lucille Treganowan: That baby has a four barreled carb, high-rise manifold, and it will blow your car right off the road, little man.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, you know, I just read your book a couple of months ago. I couldn't put it down.
Lucille Treganowan: Oh, thank you, Al.
Tim: You had to read a book about cars, Al?
Al: Well, if you had read Lucille's book you'd know women have come up with ways to repair cars men never even thought of.
Tim: Like what?
Al: Well, what if you had a split radiator hose?
Tim: Duh! You replace it.
Al: OK. It's 3:00 in the morning and you're stranded.
Tim: I'd call you, wake you up and you'd put it on.
Lucille Treganowan: But if you were a woman, you'd take off your scarf. You'd take off your belt...
Tim: Lucille! It's a family show, honey.
Lucille Treganowan: You wrap the scarf around the split hose, and then tighten the belt around the scarf.

Quote from Tim

Lucille Treganowan: You know, there are other ways that women have an advantage over men. Like we have this heightened sense of smell.
Al: That's right. Which easily enables them to detect car problems by their odor.
Tim: Anybody can do that.
Lucille Treganowan: OK, wise guy. What if you have a sweet, steamy smell coming from your car? What would that mean?
Tim: I had too many kielbasas at lunch.
Lucille Treganowan: No, Tim. That would mean that your car is leaking hot coolant.
Al: Actually, they're both right.

Quote from Jill

Jill: OK, chicken cacciatore... We gotta dredge the chicken.
Mark: What does "dredge" mean?
Jill: I have no idea. Go look it up in that cooking encyclopedia. I'm gonna move on. Mince half an onion. While you're looking up "dredge" look up "mince".
Mark: All right. I found "dredge". It means coat the chicken with flour.
Jill: I know how to do that! OK, come here. Yeah. Put the chicken in there. OK. Then we dump in some flour. Here we go. All right. And we close the bag. And shake.
Randy: Whatcha doing, The Hokey Poultry?
Jill: You grab a bag of chicken and you shake it all around.
Mark: [hands the bag to Randy] Just remember, it's all in the wrist.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Randy really does have feelings for Lauren but Lauren doesn't have any feelings for Randy. She's going out with Jason.
Tim: Nyah. What could she possibly see in Jason? That guy's dad drives a Pacer.
Jill: Well, Randy's really hurting. You remember what it feels like to be rejected.
Tim: Yes, I do. I remember hearing every excuse in the book. [high-pitched voice] "Um... I gotta wash my hair." "No, no, no. I've got a touch of the plague. That's what I've got." "No, no. I've got to de-worm my schnauzer."
Jill: Well, you must have felt awful.
Tim: Yeah, but you came around.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: Hi, Wilson. What's all that smoke?
Wilson: Well, Jill, I'm burning food as a sacrifice for the Chinese festival of hungry ghosts.
Jill: Well, that's a switch. For once I'm cooking something good and you're burning food.
Wilson: Of course, the people eating my food are already dead.
Jill: I'm making chicken cacciatore. You got any fresh oregano?
Wilson: Yes, indeed. I just picked a fresh batch here to burn for my ghosts.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Mom, hi. What are you doing up?
Jill: I gotta put away the chicken cacciatore. What are you doing up?
Randy: I was just waiting for Brad to get back from the concert.
Jill: They're a little late.
Randy: Yeah, Jason probably got them backstage passes.
Jill: How would he do that?
Randy: Oh, by complimenting the security guard on his hygiene.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I'm so proud of Randy for telling Lauren how he felt.
Tim: Yeah, they're still friends. Which means she still might stop over and help me work on the car. You know, if I had known a girl could turn out like Lauren I might have tried for a daughter.
Jill: I've always told you how much fun it would be to have a girl around the house.
Tim: Spoil her and buy her little girly things.
Jill: That's so sweet. What would you buy for her?
Tim: Oh, a little pink ratchet set. A soft, cuddly, little stuffed muscle car. Baby's first tire iron.
Jill: And what would you do when your adorable little girl started dating guys like Jason?
Tim: Well, that's what the tire iron's for.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Hey, uh, Dad. Can a friend of mine come see the hot rod?
Tim: Yeah. It's about time you started hanging out with car guys.
Randy: Dad, this is Lauren.
Tim: Hi, Lauren.
Lauren: Hey.
Tim: Where's the car guy?
Lauren: I'm the car guy.

Quote from Randy

Lauren: Thanks for letting me check out your car, Mr. Taylor.
Tim: Anytime. Nice to meet you.
Lauren: You, too. [exits]
Tim: Hey, Randy, Randy. Your girlfriend's terrific.
Randy: Dad, she's not my girlfriend. We're just friends.
Tim: She's perfect for you.
Randy: No, Dad. Actually, she's perfect for you.

Quote from Randy

Randy: [to the mirror] You know, Lauren... Hi. You and I make a great writing team. [puts on a hat and shades] You know, Lauren, I wasn't into cars at all until you came along. You know, Lauren... [sprays cologne] ...l'm a big geek.

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