Jill: It just goes totally against my instincts. I mean, when my kid has a problem, I just want to rush in and fix it.
Wilson: But if Randy learns to fend for himself now, then when he's an adult he'll be more independent.
Jill: Well, who better to help him be independent than his mother?
Wilson: Oh, Jill, I know this is rough on you, but Randy will get through this. In the words of the famous German philosopher Friedrich Nietzche, "That which does not destroy me only makes me stronger".
Jill: What did Nietzche know? He wasn't a mother.
Wilson: Jill, maybe you're being just a wee bit overprotective.
Jill: Oh, what do you know? You're not a mother either.
Wilson: Well, thanks for stopping by. It's always a pleasure.

Jill: You, uh, happen to have anything for a broken heart? Randy is devastated because this girl that he really likes is going out with somebody else.
Wilson: Ah. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Oh, I know how painful that can be. I'll never forget losing my first love, Debbie Ann. We were in fourth grade. I guess we were about nine years of age. We were inseparable until one day at the playground we had a big fight.
Jill: About what?
Wilson: Well, I was a big believer in laissez-faire capitalism, and she was a neo-Marxist.
Jill: Kids.
Wilson: Mm-hmm. True.

Randy: So, you're saying I might still have a chance with Lauren.
Jill: Honey, if there's hope for me to cook a decent meal, there's hope for you and Lauren.
Randy: So, you're saying there's no hope?
Jill: All right, all right. Try this. Come on.
Randy: Wow. That's... That's fantastic. It tastes like food.

Jill: Tim, which dish should I make for the potluck? I got Italian, French, Chinese...
Tim: Um... go with British. That way if the meal comes out horrible, people will think that's how it's supposed to taste. [doorbell] I'll get it. Where did you get all those cookbooks?
Jill: I don't know. It's strange. People keep giving them to me.
Tim: That is strange.

Tim: I picked up the mail. You're invited to your annual psychology department potluck dinner.
Jill: I am one step ahead of them. I am already making my tuna surprise.
Tim: I'll take a big step backwards. They've banned you from bringing any food this year.
Jill: Yeah. Like they wrote that on the invitation. They wrote it on the invitation.
Tim: That's pretty insensitive for a bunch of psychologists. You know, maybe they need some therapy, honey.
Jill: Is my tuna surprise really that bad?
Tim: [grimaces] Mm. No, you know...
Jill: The truth.
Tim: Truth is a relative thing, honey. Truth is, even your relatives won't eat it.
Jill: Well, I'll show them. I bet with a little thought and creativity I can make something that will make them forget the tuna surprise.
Tim: Like the antidote.

Lauren: Hey, this is an original old convertible. It's all metal, too.
Tim: [condescending] It's a Ford.
Lauren: Yes, I know. I'm guessing it's a '46.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Lauren: Look at these tail lights. You are gonna French 'em, aren't ya?
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah, yeah.
Lauren: Did you chop the windshield frame yourself?
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
Lauren: And you gotta shave these door handles.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, I'm gonna. Yeah, I gotta shave them. Yeah. Oh. You know a lot about cars for a girl.
Lauren: For a girl?
Tim: Or a boy. Either one.

Lauren: Well, I always loved anything with a motor. While all my friends were playing with a Barbie, I was souping up her Corvette.
Tim: The little pink Corvette?
Lauren: Yeah.
Tim: With the spoiler in the back and the little mag wheels. It was a really cool...
Lauren: Yeah.
Tim: I loved that thing.
Lauren: Wow.
Randy: How would you know?
Tim: Never mind.

Jason: Hey, don't be so hard on him. Randy, may I say I've always found you to be a very upstanding young man with a strong commitment to hygiene.
Randy: Jason, what do you want?
Jason: Brad?
Brad: Well, Jason's gonna be getting some tickets to a concert and, uh...
Randy: You're inviting me to go?
Brad & Jason: No.
Brad: We're inviting you to lend us money so we can go.
Jason: It's very simple.
Randy: Oh. And, uh, I'm inviting you to bite me.

Jill: You know, he's very excited about writing the article.
Lauren: Yeah, me too.
Tim: What are you writing about, cars?
Lauren: No, it's about school budget cuts. It's called, "Why Must the Ballet Club Suffer?"
Tim: Easy. So the audience isn't the only one in pain.

Tim: Hi, Lucille. Welcome to the show.
Lucille Treganowan: I'm happy to be here.
Tim: I'm happy you're here. So, um... So, um, what do you do?
Al: Well, actually, she's just written a book about car repair.
Tim: What kind of car do you drive?
Lucille Treganowan: An '86 Park Avenue.
Tim: [whistles] Does it run on Metamucil?
Lucille Treganowan: That baby has a four barreled carb, high-rise manifold, and it will blow your car right off the road, little man.