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‘Swing Time’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Swing Time

322. Swing Time

Aired May 4, 1994

Tim decides to surprise Jill with a hot tub in the garden for Mother's Day, but it means getting rid of their old swing set. Meanwhile, Tim meets the new foreman at K&B Construction, Les Thompson (Victoria Principal).

Quote from Tim

Brad: Dad, here comes Mom!
Tim: No, no, no!
Jill: Hey, guys, it's really late. What are you doing out here?
Tim: We all have problems. We're waitin' for Wilson to wake up.

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Quote from Al

Pete: Anyway, Timmy, there's no one more qualified than Les, and no one knows more about tools than Les.
Tim: No one?
Al: You heard him, Tim.
Tim: Oh, yeah? Then why does everybody call me "The Tool Man"?
Les: Because it's your show and you made up the name?
Al: I like her.
Tim: I'd be willing to stake my tool reputation against anyone.
Les: Well, how about me?
Tim: [scoffs] Les. Leslie. I wouldn't want to embarrass you. Anybody who challenges me, it always ends up the same way.
Les: [laughs] You lose?
Al: I love her!

Quote from Tim

Jill: I'll bet I know what you're doing out here.
Tim: Oh, do you?
Jill: Well, let's see. You're out here in the middle of the night, carrying shovels, covered in dirt.
Tim: I didn't want to tell you, but Wilson wasn't feeling well so we buried him.

Quote from Jill

Mark: Here you go, Mom. Basil omelet. Happy Mother's Day.
Jill: Oh, that's so sweet of you, honey. Looks delicious.
Brad: And Mom, don't forget your basil butter with your toast.
Jill: Basil butter. Well, that's original.
Randy: If you think that's original, wait till you taste your fresh-squeezed basil juice.
Mark: We also made you coffee.
Jill: Is it green? [Mark nods]
Tim: And for dessert, fresh-baked basil cream pie.
Jill: I should've said I like diamonds.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What are you doing?
Jill: Oh, I'm doing research for a magazine article. It's about Finland. Look at this. Isn't that gorgeous?
Tim: Oh, yeah. I'm a huge Finn fan. Especially those fine feminine Finns in that hot tub.
Jill: Well, hot tubs are really popular there. But when they get out, they beat themselves gently with leafy birch branches.
Tim: Well, we've got that whirlpool upstairs. Next time you get out, I can snap you with a wet towel.
Jill: But this is a little more romantic. See? They're outside under the stars. Can you imagine you and me in a hot tub, staring up at the moon?
Tim: It'd be great. Especially with a couple of those Finnish girls, Yorgie and Pecka.

Quote from Randy

Brad: So we're gonna send Mom to Finland?
Tim: No, no, no. We can bring Finland to Mom. I say we put in a hot tub.
Brad: Yeah! Cool!
Tim: We'll put it right over here, get rid of the swing set. You guys don't use this anymore, do you?
Randy: Yeah, we do. Last week we tied Mark to it.

Quote from Pete

Tim: All right. Pete, have a seat, will you? Pete, do you consider yourself a... oh, I don't know, a construction worker of the '90s?
Pete: Well, Tim, nowadays when a hot rivet drops down in my shirt, I'm not ashamed to cry.
Tim: Something you should remember, Al, next time I drop a hot rivet down your shirt, huh?

Quote from Pete

Pete: Tim, I must tell you that Les is probably the best overall worker we have.
Tim: The best-looking worker in overalls, too. [laughs]
Les: Nope, that would be Pete.
Pete: Aw, heck!

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right. Got electric in, you guys got the holes filled in, we're ready for the hot tub.
Mark: Where is it?
Tim: Al's supposed to be delivering it.
Randy: Well, shouldn't you help him? I mean, that thing's pretty heavy.
Tim: He's got his mom with him.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Wilson, what are you doing?
Wilson: Hi-ho, Tim. I'm just testing my maracas.
Tim: Usually when I have mine tested, the doctor makes me turn my head and cough.
Wilson: No, no, Tim. These are hand-carved maracas made from hollowed-out gourds. I'm using them to practice the national dance of Venezuela, the joropo.
Tim: At midnight?
Wilson: Is it really that late? Well, it just shows you - time flies when you're dancing the joropo.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Tim, have you got a problem?
Tim: I'm just mad at myself. I thought I had the perfect Mother's Day gift for Jill, but I don't. Now I got a flatbed truck comin' over with Al and his mom with a hot tub on it. But the worst thing is, I gave away the swing set, and it looks like it meant a lot to Jill.
Wilson: I remember when you built that swing set, Tim. It was 14 years ago. You'd just moved in. I'd never seen anyone attach an outboard motor to a swing before.
Tim: That swing set was the first thing I made for my boys. You know? I picked out the best redwood for that. I had six coats of sealer on there. Boy, I worked night and day on that thing.
Wilson: Sounds like it meant an awful lot to you too, Tim.
Tim: Yeah. I remember the day Brad was born. I had the swing set all set up so he could use it when he got home. Babies - who knew they couldn't sit up?

Quote from Tim

Brad: Dad, how come you're trying to get the swing set back?
Tim: Because that's what your mom wants for Mother's Day.
Randy: I thought she wanted an herb garden.
Brad: I thought she wanted a hot tub.
Mark: I thought she wanted to go to Finland.
Tim: I thought she wanted me to snap her with a wet towel. I'll save that for her birthday.

Quote from Pete

Tim: Pete, can I talk to you for a minute?
Pete: You bet, Tim. But before you do, I wanna tell you, that swing set has made Little Pete real happy.
Tim: Well, looks like anything would make him happy. He's a happy-go-lucky kid.
Pete: No, Tim. He's neither happy nor lucky. You know, he's had a pretty rough go of it this past year, what with his mother leaving and all. I should've seen it comin' - goin' to the grocery store with nine pieces of luggage in the car.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome back to Tool Time. We have a very special competition comin' up. You've heard of the Rose Bowl. Well, put away your flowers! Plug in your tools, 'cause we got... the Tool Bowl!
Al: I will be serving as moderator and impartial judge.
Tim: This will be simulcast on Al's favorite station, the All-Flannel Channel.
Al: As impartial as I am, remarks like that could affect the judging.

Quote from Al

Tim: All right, let's meet the competition. The reigning tool champion of the universe: me. And the challenger, the new foreman for the K & B Construction Company. Let's give a big Tool Time welcome for Les Thompson.
Al: How's it goin' today, Les?
Les: Just great. Listen, I'd like to invite you both to a little party I'm having after the show to celebrate my...
upcoming victory. [Al snorts]
Tim: I'd be careful saying stuff like that. I might just nail it up on the board for inspiration.
Les: Well, I've seen your show, Tim, and if you want it to stay up, maybe you'd better have Al nail it.
Al: Did I mention just how much I liked her?

Quote from Tim

Al: All right. Let's get to it. Les, since you are the challenger, you have the first choice of categories.
Les: I'll take "Epoxy Putties and Liquid Metals." [musical tone]
Al: Excellent choice. Heidi? Thank you, Heidi.
Heidi: You're welcome.
Al: "To repair a hydraulic ram, what type of epoxy putty would you use, and why?"
Les: I'd go with titanium, since it resists temperatures of 350° Fahrenheit and has a compression strength of 18,000 PSI. It also provides a nonrusting, machinable finish, and features excellent resistance to a broad range of chemicals.
Al: Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm.
Tim: It was an easy question, all right?
Al: All right, Tim. Your question. Heidi? Thank you. "In a nonrusting aluminum epoxy, what are the percentages of aluminum and epoxy?"
Tim: Easy. Everyone knows that. 70% aluminum, 30% epoxy.
Les: Actually, that's 80% aluminum and 20% epoxy.
Tim: 70%, 80%. What's the difference?
Al: One is right and one is wrong. All right. Round one goes to... [fanfare] Les!

Quote from Tim

Tim: It's the Tool Bowl Super Bonus Screw-off. First person to screw those screws in takes the whole thing.
Les: I'm game.
Tim: Great. Heidi, my electric screwdrivers, please.
Heidi: Here you are.
Tim: Pick your weapon.
Les: Ooh, nice grip.
Tim: All right. I'll just pick mine. Let's see. No, no. I'll just take this one down here. All right.
Al: Your electric screwdriver has a gas engine?
Tim: Got a problem with that, fella? OK, go.
[Tim hums as Les rushes over to the board and gets started. After a moment, Tim revs up his gas-powered screw-driver and heads to his board. After he starts on his first screw, his screwdriver breaks through the cardboard]
Les: I'm done! I won!
Al: All right! The champion and new tool world record holder!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Come on. You're gonna love this.
Jill: Honey, it is 6:00 in the morning. I was really kind of hoping that I could sleep late on Mother's Day.
Tim: Well, I just finished your gift and I couldn't wait to show it to you.
Jill: OK. Oh, my gosh! This is beautiful! Wait a minute! You said you were gonna make me an herb garden.
Tim: Look around. I had the boys plant something special for you.
Jill: Basil! Basil, basil... and more basil. [laughs]
Tim: Well, I knew it was your favorite because I read between the lines.
Jill: Tim, I told you that I liked basil.
Tim: Which is how I'm able to read between the lines.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Wow! This is really comfortable. Oh, honey, this is the best Mother's Day ever. [yawns] And there's still so much of it left.
Tim: Don't go to sleep. What's this over here?
Jill: Those are Randy's initials.
Tim: Mm-hm. And right back here are their measurements.
Jill: You made this out of the old swing set! What a great idea! Wait a minute, I thought that you said that you gave it to Little Pete, Pete's son.
Tim: I took it back.
Jill: Hope you gave him something else.
Tim: Don't worry about that kid. By the time he's done with me, I'll have an amusement park built in his backyard.

Quote from Randy

Tim: Guys, over here. I think I figured out what to get Mom for Mother's Day.
Brad: She told you?
Tim: No, she dropped a few hints, though.
Randy: So what does she want?
Tim: She wants to go to Finland. They got this real big deal with midnight hot tubs. When they get out, they get spanked by trees.
Randy: Cool! Let's all go!

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