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Home Improvement: Her Cheatin' Mind

503. Her Cheatin' Mind

Aired October 3, 1995

Tim feels insecure when he learns that the member of Jill's book discussion group she's been spending time with is a guy.

Quote from Tim

Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.

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Quote from Tim

Jill: So, don't you have a poker game tonight?
Tim: You know, I thought I'd blow it off tonight.
Jill: What?
Tim: In the hopes of joining the book group.
Jill: Tim, to participate in this book group you have to have read Madame Bovary.
Tim: Ah, yes! Flaubert's brilliant psychological profile... of a woman in search of transcendence.
Sharon: I think that's a very astute synopsis.
Tim: Well, I've always been a very astute synopsizer.

Quote from Jill

Randy: Just got a little book to read. Tale of Two Cities.
Tim: Don't play a tape! Read the book, will ya, Randy?
Randy: I got the idea from you.
Tim: Well, don't tell your mom you got the idea from me.
Randy: Don't worry, Dad. She's not gonna find out.
Male Narrator: [on tape] A Tale Of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times..."
Jill: [on tape] It's going to be the worst of times for you if you don't turn this off and go read the book! Oh, and I don't care what your father told you.
Tim: Hey, fast-forward past that thing.

Quote from Tim

Mark: I have to define a pronoun.
Tim: Pronoun? That's easy. Pronoun is a noun that gets paid what an amateur noun would do for free.
Mark: I'll just wait for Mom.
Jill: Hi. Honey, what are you still doin' up?
Mark: I needed help with my homework. I have to define a pronoun.
Jill: OK, a pronoun is a word that takes the place of a noun. Like, if you were to say, "It's between you and me." "It", "you" and "me" would all be pronouns.
Tim: Both definitions are considered acceptable.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You see, many women feel that the most important ingredient in a fulfilled relationship is meaningful conversation. In the words of the French novelist, Alain Le Sage, "The pleasure of talking is the inextinguishable passion of a woman."
Tim: Which is why we call them the opposite sex: we like sex and they like the opposite.
Wilson: You see, Tim, for a woman, intellectual stimulation with a man can be the strongest bond of all. That deep connection allows her to think of him as her soul mate.
Tim: That sounds like pretty heavy stuff.
Wilson: Oh, if you're the one who found your soul mate, it certainly is.
Tim: You're telling me a guy can make a woman a soul mate just by talking to her?
Wilson: Well, it depends on how good the talk is.
Tim: [grunting] Sittin' in the Camaro, talkin'... Could be... hour and a half... [mumbles]
Wilson: It'd have to be a hell of a lot better than that.

Quote from Tim

Tim: There's no better way to read a classic than in a classic car. Pop that thing in.
Male Narrator: [on tape] Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert. A brilliant psychological portrait which searingly depicts a woman's mind in search of transcendence...
Tim: Fast-forward it. Fast-forward it.
Male Narrator: [on tape] Innocent maidens with tears on their cheeks were kissing turtle doves through the bars of a Gothic cage...
Tim: Fast-forward! Fast-forward!
Male Narrator: [on tape] Little pieces of embroidery.
Tim: Oh, man, turn it over! Maybe there's something better on the other side.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Who is Lestiboudois?
Tim: The village handyman.
Chris: What an interesting perspective. I've never heard anyone discuss Madame Bovary from the point of view of the handyman!
Jill: That's because he has absolutely no relevance to the story.
Tim: Au contraire. He was the one that set up all the chairs for the fair.
Sharon: I kind of see what you're saying. If Lestiboudois hadn't set up the chairs, Madame Bovary would not have been able to sit next to Rodolphe.
Tim: My point exactly.

Quote from Tim

Chris: What's your feeling on Rodolphe, Tim?
Tim: Roldolphe, Tim? I'm not real clear on his character at this point.
Jill: You don't remember the main love interest in the story?
Jane: A sensitive man like Tim was probably more drawn to Leon.
Tim: Yes, I was. And, uh, forgive me, Leon was the one that...
Chris: The man that she connected with on a deeper level.
Tim: Ah.
Chris: Madame Bovary's soul mate.
Tim: Soul mate?
Jane: Madame Bovary was going to leave her dimwitted husband for him.
Tim: [grunts] I didn't like Leon. I don't like that.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Honey, these days men and women cannot be just friends.
Jill: Really? What about you and Heidi?
Tim: Heidi? She's not my friend, she's a co-worker. To me, Heidi's just Al with less facial hair and a better physique.
Jill: Right, I get 'em mixed up myself.
Tim: The point is, I wouldn't be sittin' in Heidi's Camaro. And if I did, I'd know what year it was.
Jill: Tim, this is a ridiculous conversation. If you had a female friend who shared your interests, I would not get all crazy about it.
Tim: Oh. Is that a fact? So if I start hanging out with this beautiful woman that knew all about big-block 454s, you'd trust me?
Jill: Yeah, I would.
Tim: Now you tell me.

Quote from Randy

Tim: I had to stop by the bookstore.
Randy: Sorry, Dad. I got hit in the head with the puck. I just thought- I just thought you said "bookstore"! Ha!
Tim: I did say bookstore. Your mom's book discussion group is stopping by the house next week and I'm gonna read the book they're reading.
Randy: Why?
Tim: To prove I'm just as interested in reading as the next guy.
Randy: Is the next guy also reading in Dolby Stereo?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Ah, tea! Nice cup of tea. I'm a big tea guy myself.
Chris: You like Earl Grey?
Tim: Don't know the guy, Chris.
Carol: Jill, you didn't tell us you had such a witty husband.
Jill: I didn't know.

Quote from Harry

Al: She's going to a book discussion group with a friend. I'm sure it's purely platonic.
Tim: Haven't you guys ever heard of a platonic relationship?
Harry: Yeah. I got one with my wife.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Boy, it's a little late, must've been a real long book, huh?
Jill: No, the book club ended at ten, but Chris and I have been just sitting out front in his car talking.
Tim: Sitting out in front of this house in his car talking?
Jill: Is there something wrong with that?
Tim: You're a married woman. You shouldn't be hanging out with single guys. Especially in a romantic spot like a car!
Jill: Tim, we were just sitting out in the Camaro talking. It's no big deal.
Tim: I don't care... Camaro? What year?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, this was a lot of fun. Thanks for coming. What are we going to read next week?
Sharon: The Fountainhead.
Tim: Plumbing! I'm in!

Quote from Tim

Al: Welcome to "Gadget Corner."
Tim: We're going to show you products to make you go, "Wow," and your wife go, "How are we gonna pay for this stuff?!"
Al: Actually, Tim, today's products are something any woman would love to have in her home. And to demonstrate that for us is Tool Time's very own gadget expert, June Palmer.
Tim: Always nice to have you here, June.
June: Really? How come I haven't been on the show for four years?
Tim: Budget problems. But we got it worked out. Al's gonna take a cut in pay.
Al: My pay couldn't get any lower.
Al: So, June, what have you got for us today?
June: Well, first up we have a "Suck-A-Bug."
Tim: Four years and the best you can come up with is "Suck-A-Bug"?
June: It's an easy way to get rid of those annoying pests. [points it at Tim] Oh, I see you have a bug over here. You just turn it on... And bye-bye, buggie!
Tim: Hey! That's pretty cool, actually. Rechargable, one-piece styrene. I like that, Al. Look at that! No more pests. And this little device down here? What's that supposed to do? [shoots the squished bug onto Al's forehead]

Quote from Benny

Jill: [o.s.] That must be Chris! I'll get it!
Al: Who's Chris?
Tim: Some woman in Jill's psych class who's driving her to the book discussion group.
Benny: Hey, I like brainy chicks. You think she'd date me?
Jill: Guys, this is Chris.
Benny: On second thought, I don't need a date that bad.

Quote from Benny

Al: I've had many relationships with women who were just friends.
Benny: Yeah, but not by your choice.

Quote from Marty

Marty: Isn't it something the most gorgeous women always end up with the ugliest guy.
Harry: Yeah, look at you, Marty. Your wife's a knockout.
Marty: What you saying, I'm ugly? Tim, you think I'm ugly?
Tim: I don't know, Marty. You got some nice features. But overall, you're a pretty forgettable guy, really.

Quote from Benny

Harry: You know, if a woman like Nancy could go for a dog like Marty...
Marty: Now I'm a dog?
Harry: Well then you know Jill could go for a guy like Chris.
Tim: You guys are probably right. She's having an affair with the guy, and then just to top it off she brings the guy back here to meet me and my friends.
Benny: She's real shrewd. I'll give her that.

Quote from Marty

Marty: Tim? Why do you keep lookin' at your watch?
Tim: No reason.
Marty: How long ago was Jill due home?
Tim: 64 minutes.
Marty: Look, I'm sorry, we were just giving you a hard time. Don't worry about that guy.
Tim: I'm not worried about that guy, Marty.
Marty: OK. I want you to know whatever happens I'm here for you.
Tim: Thanks, Marty.
Marty: Well, I gotta go now.
Tim: And why's that, Marty?
Marty: Because if I'm more than 15 minutes late, Nancy thinks I'm havin' an affair.
Tim: Good night, Marty.

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