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‘My Son, the Driver’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: My Son, the Driver

620. My Son, the Driver

Aired April 1, 1997

Jill is nervous when Brad passes his driving test and decides to go out with his friends.

Quote from Tim

Jill: All right. Obey all traffic laws, especially no speeding. Keep that seat belt fastened. No kids drinking, smoking. No sex, no drugs.
Jill: Or anything else.
Brad: What else is there?
Tim: Plenty. All right... No oval shots in parking lots or doing doughnuts in people's lawns. And absolutely, absolutely... no mooning while the car's in gear.
Jill: What about when it's not?
Tim: Use your best judgment.

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Quote from Wilson

Brad: I'm gonna need a pretty big tow truck to pull me out of this mess.
Wilson: So, you're saying that if your father found out you hit another car, he would view that as an unforgivable offense?
Brad: Yeah.
Wilson: Well, Brad, it seems to me he might consider lying a far worse offense.
Brad: So either way, I'm in deep yak butter.
Wilson: [sighs] You know, Brad, the novelist Han Suyin had some very choice words for situations like this. "Truth, like surgery, might hurt. But it cures."
Brad: Yeah. My mom and dad also have a few choice words for situations like this. But, I'm not allowed to say 'em.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, who cares about the car?
Tim: It's a classic Nomad.
Jill: Well, I was more concerned about our son.
Tim: I was concerned, but now he's OK, I just wanna what kind of damage he did.
Jill: Well, it couldn't be as bad as when you dropped that three-ton beam on it.
Doug: Wait. You dropped a beam on a classic Nomad?
Tim: Yeah, yeah. You know... the up side was I got to cherry it out, I dropped a big block in it.
Doug: Oh, man! I sure hope that car's OK.
Patty: Doug. Shut up.

Quote from Al

Al Unser Sr.: I'm Al, Senior. This is Al, Junior. And this is just Al.
Al: Well, you're never "just an Al." It's great to have you on the show.
Al Richard Unser: Nice to meet you, Mr. Borland.
Al: Oh, please! Let's not be so "form-Al." You see, around Tool Time we're pretty "casu-Al."
Tim: [chuckles] Keep that up and "A'll" be ripping up your contract.

Quote from Al

Tim: Come on over here, guys. All right. Just generally, tell us the difference between a racing engine - and a passenger car engine, Al. [Als talk] Stop! Stop! Stop! Um... I'm talking about this Al.
Al Unser Sr.: Well, it's a methanol engine instead of a gas-burning engine.
Al: And I believe the heads are made from "Al-luminum." It's my favorite "Al-loy."

Quote from Brad

Brad: I'm too nervous to eat anything. I just want to get this test over with.
Mark: Me, too. The sooner you pass, the sooner you can drive me places.
Randy: You know, he's not getting his license so he can drive you around. So, you driving me to the movies tonight?
Brad: Forget it. You kids want everything handed to you on a platter.
Randy: Oh, yeah, Brad. Times have changed since you were a kid.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You'll do fine. If you don't pass this time, you can take it again.
Tim: Ooh, bite your tongue. What do you mean "if he doesn't pass?"
Jill: Tim, don't pressure him.
Tim: Taylor men have always passed their driver's test first time out. Except your Uncle Marty. First Taylor to break tradition. And to this very day, he's been hounded constantly.
Brad: By who?
Tim: Me.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know, Brad, you have one of the most important documents you'll ever receive.
Jill: Yeah? What about his marriage license?
Tim: Like I said...

Quote from Jill

Jill: Look, this is kind of a scary thing for a mom, her son's first night out driving. So, I want you to call me at 8:00 on the dot to let me know you're OK.
Brad: All right, fine.
Tim: In by 11 :00?
Jill: 10:00.
Brad: 10:00? Mom, my normal curfew's at eleven.
Jill: You want to be treated like an adult, do what your mother tells you.

Quote from Tim

Patty: Doug is helping build Stan's new Polish restaurant in Highland Park.
Tim: I love those kielbasas, boy!
Doug: Yeah.
Tim: Yeah. I hope you're putting a heavy-duty exhaust fan in that bathroom.
Doug: Oh, yeah. I put a 115-volt ball-bearing motor with an auto reset.
Tim: [grunting] Oh, yeah!
Doug: That'll suck the fumes right out of ya!
Tim: The guy knows his ventilation.
Patty: That's what I look for in a guy.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Wait, let me tell you about mine. I had this old Catalina. It had a big 421, marvelous car. We packed all my buddies in there, drove around figuring out what to do. We decided we were gonna race a freight train. So, we get... Well, then we realized we had all these overdue books that should go back to the library. And, uh... then went over to my Aunt Winnie's for Bible study and hot chocolate.

Quote from Tim

Tim: That was a very good meal, Patty. Don't you think so, Jill?
Jill: Oh, yeah. Really, really good. OK. I know why he hasn't called. He was on his way to the basketball game. And one of the other kids said, "Let's go to a party instead." So, now they're smoking dope and driving a 180 miles an hour with their butts all smushed up against the windows.
Tim: Well, you know, the Nomad's the perfect car for it. Lots of big windows. Yeah!
Jill: How can you joke at a time like this? Where the hell was that phone call? It's not like him not to call.
Tim: It's a big night for him, okay? He's probably looking for a phone right now.
Jill: Well, I know what we should do. We should call the school and have him just paged at the basketball game.
Tim: Well, that would go over big. [spoon clinks] Johnson shoots a three-pointer. My God, what a shot that was! Look at... oh, hold on a minute. Yeah. Yup. Yup. OK. Brad Taylor, your mommy's on the phone.

Quote from Mark

Brad: The guy said if I gave him $400, he wouldn't tell anyone.
Randy: And you're off the hook?
Brad: Exactly. As soon as you guys loan me $200.
Randy: Well, don't you mean us kids?
Mark: Yeah. What do we get out of it?
Randy: We get Brad to be our personal chauffeur.
Mark: Hey! Maybe he could wear a uniform and a little hat.
Randy: I like it.

Quote from Brad

Randy: [answers phone] Hello? No. Mr. Taylor's not here. Can I take a message? Uh, yeah. George Preston. Attorney for Michael McGrath.
Brad: McGrath! Give me that! [takes the phone] [deep voice] Yes, this is Mr. Taylor. Uh-huh. Yeah. [grunts] Oh, yeah. My son's accident. He told me that was all settled, sir. [regular voice] Whiplash?! No way! [deep voice] Uh, actually, I'll talk to my son about that, sir. Thank you. [hangs up]
Randy: Sounds like your son's in a bit of trouble.

Quote from Wilson

Brad: Hey, Wilson. What are you doing?
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, Taylor teen. I am sculpting a shrine out of yak butter.
Brad: Yak butter?
Wilson: Mm-hmm. It spreads so much easier than yak margarine. [laughs] Actually, making shrines is a traditional way of celebrating the Buddhist prayer festival of Tibet.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Yeah. I've been doing some praying of my own. I dented somebody's car, and I'm praying my dad doesn't kill me.
Wilson: You hit a car? Your father told me you hit a pole.
Brad: That's what I told him.
Wilson: Oh.
Brad: I didn't want him to get mad and take my license away.
Wilson: Well, Brad, what makes you think he would've been so strict?
Brad: Well, you know, driving's everything to my dad.
Wilson: Hmm.
Brad: He was the youngest member to ever join Triple A.
Wilson: Well, I know that. I saw the slides of his first emergency roadside service.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Are you telling me you don't have any worries about our boys driving?
Tim: Of course I have worries about them driving. I'm worried they'll be as bad a driver as I was at that age. You know that story I told you at Patty's about going to the library...
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: [false crying] It wasn't true.
Jill: Yeah. I kind of figured that out.
Tim: What gave it away?
Jill: Tim, have you ever been near a library?
Tim: Yes. Well, the parking lot. That's where I learned to do donuts.

Quote from Al

Tim: Welcome back to the final day of "Engine Week" here on Tool Time.
Al: And to end it all with a bang, we brought back our special guests you met earlier in the week.
Tim: Yes, we did. Although this time I made a few changes to make this show easier to follow. Let's bring out the Al's. Come on, everybody!
[The three generations of Al Unsers walk out wearing grey sweatshirts with their nicknames written across the front]
Tim: No confusion now. You have Big Al, Little Al, Norm-Al. And, of course... [holds up a sweatshirt in front of Al] Abnorm-Al.
Al: I don't think so, Tim. [unbuttons his flannel shirt to reveal a sweatshirt reading "Speci-Al"]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I... I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And, of course, you all know my assistant Al Borland! [audience cheers] [applause]
Al: Thank you. Thank you. And welcome to our salute... [engine revs] ...to engines. Today we're gonna tell you how to put a little kick in your V8.
Tim: I'll tell you how I put a kick in my V8... vodka! [audience laughs]
Al: We're talking about V8 engines. We'll be showing you the difference between a stock V8 and a high-performance Indy car engine.
Audience: Ooh...
Tim: Yeah! And who better to talk about these engines than our first guest, a racing legend, put them together, ladies and gentlemen, for Al Unser! [audience cheers, applauds] [band introduction plays]
[When a young boy walks out, Tim signals for the music to be cut]
Al Richard Unser: [shakes Tim's hand] Great to be here.
Tim: Uh... sure it is, son. But I'm talking about the other Al Unser! [band introduction plays]
Al Unser Jr. Great to be here, Tim.
Tim: Yeah, I'm sure it is. But I'm talking about the other Al Unser! [band plays] [audience cheers] [band stops]
Al Unser Sr.: Thank you for having us here, Tim.
Tim: Ladies and gentlemen, three generations of Al Unsers. Well, I'll tell you, this could get confusing. What do I call you?
All: Al.
Tim: Well, that clears that up.

Quote from Tim

Tim: So what brings you gentlemen to the big Motor City?
Al Unser Sr.: Al's doing some testing at the Michigan International Speedway.
Al Unser Jr.: And Al's gonna be going with me.
Al Unser Sr.: And Al is doing some go-cart racing.
Tim: Uh, there... Al... that Al. You must be pretty proud of the boy. My older son is getting his driver's license today.
Al Richard Unser.: Cool!
Al Unser Jr.: Congratulations. It's a big day.
Al Unser Sr.: Have a cigar.
Al: Well, enough shilly-shallying. Let's talk engines.
Tim: "Shilly-shallying"? I'm "shorry" you had to hear that.

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