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‘My Son, the Driver’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: My Son, the Driver

620. My Son, the Driver

Aired April 1, 1997

Jill is nervous when Brad passes his driving test and decides to go out with his friends.

Quote from Tim

Jill: All right. Obey all traffic laws, especially no speeding. Keep that seat belt fastened. No kids drinking, smoking. No sex, no drugs.
Jill: Or anything else.
Brad: What else is there?
Tim: Plenty. All right... No oval shots in parking lots or doing doughnuts in people's lawns. And absolutely, absolutely... no mooning while the car's in gear.
Jill: What about when it's not?
Tim: Use your best judgment.


Quote from Wilson

Brad: I'm gonna need a pretty big tow truck to pull me out of this mess.
Wilson: So, you're saying that if your father found out you hit another car, he would view that as an unforgivable offense?
Brad: Yeah.
Wilson: Well, Brad, it seems to me he might consider lying a far worse offense.
Brad: So either way, I'm in deep yak butter.
Wilson: [sighs] You know, Brad, the novelist Han Suyin had some very choice words for situations like this. "Truth, like surgery, might hurt. But it cures."
Brad: Yeah. My mom and dad also have a few choice words for situations like this. But, I'm not allowed to say 'em.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, who cares about the car?
Tim: It's a classic Nomad.
Jill: Well, I was more concerned about our son.
Tim: I was concerned, but now he's OK, I just wanna what kind of damage he did.
Jill: Well, it couldn't be as bad as when you dropped that three-ton beam on it.
Doug: Wait. You dropped a beam on a classic Nomad?
Tim: Yeah, yeah. You know... the up side was I got to cherry it out, I dropped a big block in it.
Doug: Oh, man! I sure hope that car's OK.
Patty: Doug. Shut up.

Quote from Al

Al Unser Sr.: I'm Al, Senior. This is Al, Junior. And this is just Al.
Al: Well, you're never "just an Al." It's great to have you on the show.
Al Richard Unser: Nice to meet you, Mr. Borland.
Al: Oh, please! Let's not be so "form-Al." You see, around Tool Time we're pretty "casu-Al."
Tim: [chuckles] Keep that up and "A'll" be ripping up your contract.

Quote from Al

Tim: Come on over here, guys. All right. Just generally, tell us the difference between a racing engine - and a passenger car engine, Al. [Als talk] Stop! Stop! Stop! Um... I'm talking about this Al.
Al Unser Sr.: Well, it's a methanol engine instead of a gas-burning engine.
Al: And I believe the heads are made from "Al-luminum." It's my favorite "Al-loy."

Quote from Brad

Brad: I'm too nervous to eat anything. I just want to get this test over with.
Mark: Me, too. The sooner you pass, the sooner you can drive me places.
Randy: You know, he's not getting his license so he can drive you around. So, you driving me to the movies tonight?
Brad: Forget it. You kids want everything handed to you on a platter.
Randy: Oh, yeah, Brad. Times have changed since you were a kid.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You'll do fine. If you don't pass this time, you can take it again.
Tim: Ooh, bite your tongue. What do you mean "if he doesn't pass?"
Jill: Tim, don't pressure him.
Tim: Taylor men have always passed their driver's test first time out. Except your Uncle Marty. First Taylor to break tradition. And to this very day, he's been hounded constantly.
Brad: By who?
Tim: Me.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know, Brad, you have one of the most important documents you'll ever receive.
Jill: Yeah? What about his marriage license?
Tim: Like I said...

Quote from Jill

Jill: Look, this is kind of a scary thing for a mom, her son's first night out driving. So, I want you to call me at 8:00 on the dot to let me know you're OK.
Brad: All right, fine.
Tim: In by 11 :00?
Jill: 10:00.
Brad: 10:00? Mom, my normal curfew's at eleven.
Jill: You want to be treated like an adult, do what your mother tells you.

Quote from Tim

Patty: Doug is helping build Stan's new Polish restaurant in Highland Park.
Tim: I love those kielbasas, boy!
Doug: Yeah.
Tim: Yeah. I hope you're putting a heavy-duty exhaust fan in that bathroom.
Doug: Oh, yeah. I put a 115-volt ball-bearing motor with an auto reset.
Tim: [grunting] Oh, yeah!
Doug: That'll suck the fumes right out of ya!
Tim: The guy knows his ventilation.
Patty: That's what I look for in a guy.

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