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‘The Long and Winding Road (Part 1)’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The Long and Winding Road (Part 1)

825. The Long and Winding Road (Part 1)

Aired May 18, 1999

Tim is unhappy with the changes Tool Time's new producer is making to the show. Meanwhile, Jill gets offered a job in Indiana.

Quote from Tim

Jill: He wants you to do another cheesy Tool Time and you don't want to do it, right?
Tim: No. He wants all Tool Times to be cheesy. That's why tomorrow is my last show, 'cause I quit.
Jill: You quit? You quit the show?
Tim: He pushed me too far. Today's show was one of those shock TV shows like Jerry Springer. Tomorrow he wants me to start an electrical fire. I intentionally start fires, I lose all credibility!

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Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, change is often difficult for everybody, Tim. But on the other hand, if you are gonna leave Tool Time, this might be a good time for you to support Jill.
Tim: The truth is my family has always been based around me and my career. I never really thought about what would happen if... You know...
Wilson: You never thought you'd be making the same sacrifices for Jill as she did for you.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah... That's it. Yeah.
Wilson: You know, Tim, these are perfectly normal feelings you're having. Traditionally, the male is the leader of the family. It's very difficult for him to give up that position to the female.
Tim: Oh. There's a nasty thought. Me in hair curlers, little muumuu, walking around the house. You think we should make the move?
Wilson: I would never want to lose you as a neighbor. But you and Jill have to do what's best for you two.
Tim: Yeah, we do.
Wilson: You do. Well, I guess I better get back to hosing off my rocks.
Tim: Yeah. And I better get back inside and try to save mine.

Quote from Al

Al: Uh, today's show is called "Home Repair Addicts." Men who can't keep their hands off their tools.

Quote from Jill

Jill: What are we gonna do for money?
Tim: We've got some in savings.
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: I can put in more time at the hardware store.
Jill: That's a way to spend money.

Quote from Jill

Tim: I'll buy a garage and start a classic car shop.
Jill: You can't start a business from scratch. There's gonna be experts out there that have been doing it for years. It could take forever to turn a profit. Or, you know, you could just be a complete failure right out of the box.
Tim: You're gonna make a great therapist.

Quote from Brad

Tim: Brad, listen to this...
Brad: Actually, Dad, can you talk to me about it later? I have a 5:00 hair appointment at Pablo's. He gets all weird when I'm late.
Tim: Pablo? He's more important than your dad?
Brad: Dad, he cuts my hair.

Quote from Tim

Morgan: Hey, guys. Excited about my big idea for today's show?
Tim: How can we be excited about a show where we just talk, Morgan?
Morgan: No, no. It's not just talk. It's Tim talk. And when Tim talks, people listen.
Tim: Don't kiss up to me. That job is reserved for Borland.
Al: Yeah. You're gonna have to stand in line, pal.

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Binford Tool Man" Taylor!
Tim: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Binford's Heidi. I am Tim "The Binford Tool Man" Taylor, and of course, you all know my assistant Al "Binford" Borland.
Al: Thank you.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, you may not like the show today. We're doing something a bit different. There's no project. We're not gonna build anything. We're just going to talk. If you have any complaints about that, you might want to e-mail Morgan Wandell at bigfatzero.com.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, Robby, why don't you tell us what happens in your house when you open your toolbox?
Robbie: First I might fix the hinge on a window.
Al: Uh-huh.
Robbie: Then if the mood strikes me, I might replace the drywall next to it. Then as long as I'm replacing the drywall, I might as well add on a family room.
Tim: That sounds sensible to me.
Noreen: Sensible? We have six family rooms and no family!
Tim: Well, I guess it's time to get busy!

Quote from Tim

Al: Butch, why don't you tell us all what you're into?
Butch: Lubrication. [Tim takes his hand off Butch's shoulder] I believe a good home is a quiet home. No squeaks, creaks or hums. So, I always keep a can or two of oil on hand.
Sue: [scoffs] A can or two? He oils everything we own. He's like the... [bleep] Tin Man.
Tim: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Let's just try to settle down, okay?
Al: Tim's right. We don't allow off-color language on this show.
Butch: That's right, Sue. So, shut your... [beep] mouth.
Sue: Oh, yeah? [beep] ...and the... [beep] horse you rode in on.
Tim: Hey, Wandell! Do something about this.
Morgan: Yeah, you go, girl!

Quote from Heidi

Sue: I'm so sick of your crappy repairs! And I'm sick of you!
Heidi: You know, ma'am, if you would just...
Sue: Oh, pipe down, Bones! [pushes past Heidi]

Quote from Tim

Morgan: Awesome show, guys!
Tim: What do you mean, "awesome show"? I almost got killed out there!
Morgan: Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Those gals were only supposed to threaten their husbands.
Heidi: They were supposed to?
Al: Are you saying that this show was staged?
Morgan: Yeah. Yeah. It looked so real, didn't it? Oh, God, I'm good!
Tim: Morgan, you have made a mockery of everything Channel 112 stands for.

Quote from Jill

Dr. Hanover: Well, he liked the idea of hiring a post-graduate student. And he wanted someone with life experience.
Jill: This is so great. You can't imagine how good the timing is...
Dr. Hanover: Well, there is one thing that you should know.
Jill: How much money will I be making?
Dr. Hanover: Excuse me?
Jill: Cash. Dollars. How much will I be pulling down?
Dr. Hanover: Jill, people don't usually take these entry-level jobs for the money.
Jill: Oh. Oh, of course not. But I might eventually make, say, what you make?
Dr. Hanover: People don't take my job for the money.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Jill, you're not gonna believe this. Sparky found a vacant spot in Woodridge that would be perfect for a classic car showroom.
Jill: Well, I have another location in mind. How about opening a shop in Indiana?
Tim: "Indiana wants me. Lord, I can't go back there."
Jill: Honey, a very prestigious colleague of Dr. Hanover's has offered me a job at his family clinic in Bloomington.
Tim: Must be a pretty screwed up family if they have their own clinic.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, Tim.
Tim: What are you doing?
Wilson: Just hosing off my rocks.
Tim: If your shower's broken, you can use ours.
Wilson: [chuckles] No. No, no, no, no, Tim. I'm washing the rocks that I gathered on my hiking trip to Whitefish Point.

Quote from Brad

Mark: You know, I can't think of one good thing about Indiana.
Brad: They have a town named French Lick.
Mark: Will it be easy for you just to pick up and leave Detroit?
Tim: No! It wasn't easy for me to quit Tool Time, but I did that.
Brad: Yeah. Just when it was starting to get good.
Tim: Women were body-slamming each other!
Brad: Like I said...

Quote from Tim

Tim: Brad, don't forget my car's in the shop. So, I'm gonna take your car and drop you guys off at school.
Brad: Wait, what makes you think you can just take my car just like that?
Tim: Because I paid for half of it "just like that."

Quote from Tim

Jill: So, have a great Tool Time grand finale.
Tim: It's gonna be really emotional.
Jill: Yeah, I know. Do you have enough Kleenex?
Tim: If not, I'm sure we have extra gauze.

Quote from Marty

Tim: What a day! Binford's executive schlockmeister, Morgan Wandell, wants me to do a whole Tool Time just talking. No tools, no projects, no hands-on anything! Isn't that insane?
Marty: How many "P's" in "deposit"?
Tim: Two!
Marty: I was right.

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