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‘Rebel Without Night Driving Privileges’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Home Improvement: Rebel Without Night Driving Privileges

723. Rebel Without Night Driving Privileges

Aired May 5, 1998

Randy is angry when he Tim and Jill tell him he can't drive at night after passing his test.

Quote from Brad

Tim: I found the root beer out there. Odd thing, though. I couldn't find the Nomad.
Jill: Oh, no!
Tim: It's not in the driveway. It's not in the garage. Where is the station wagon, Brad?
Brad: Well, it is called a Nomad. Maybe it wandered off?

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Quote from Randy

Randy: Well, I'm back safe and sound before the danger of nightfall rears its ugly little head.
Jill: Did you and Lauren have a good time?
Randy: Oh, yeah. We had another lovely wonderful afternoon date. We caught a 3:30 matinee filled with old people explaining the movie to each other. Then we went to an early-bird dinner filled with old people saying, [as an old man] "Does the salmon have bones? I hate bones."

Quote from Randy

Randy: I don't believe this. When I was his age you never would have let me go out this late on a school night.
Jill: Well, you also never had trouble making friends like he does. This thing has been really good for him.
Randy: Wait a second. Let me get this straight. Mark gets fewer rules because he's a dork. And I get more rules because Brad's a dork?
Brad: That's night-driving dork to you.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: I'm an inconsistent parent.
Wilson: Well... Todos los empleados deben lavarse las manos antes de regresar al trabajo.
Jill: "All employees must wash their hands before returning to work"?
Wilson: All right, maybe I had one margarita. [Jill laughs] But I do have something to say about you being an inconsistent parent.
Jill: What's that?
Wilson: Well, you know, the essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds." You know, Randy and Brad and Mark, they're totally different kids. To give them one set of rules would be folly.
Jill: So you're saying that I was right not to let Randy drive at night?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no. I'm just saying you should treat each child according to his individual needs.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Look, nighttime driving is trickier. We just want you to master daytime driving first.
Randy: You let Brad drive at night as soon as he got his license.
Jill: Yeah, and he had an accident, didn't he?
Randy: So why do I have to pay for Brad's screw-ups?
Tim: Well, that's kind of how the system works, you know. You pay for Brad's mistakes and Mark'll pay for your mistakes.
Randy: What mistakes have I made?
Tim: Well, for starters, having Brad as a brother.
Randy: This makes no sense. How could you let Mom talk you into this?
Tim: I got bit by a rat today.

Quote from Brad

Jill: Another call for Mark. You know, this band thing is making him really popular. His calls have doubled.
Brad: Yeah, that's two this month.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Wow. Nomad's looking great. Never seen it look this shiny.
Tim: Well, that's because after hours of deliberation, I have selected this car for you to take your driver's test in.
Randy: Over the Mustang and the Austin Healey? How'd they take it?
Tim: Well, the Mustang took it OK. But the Austin Healey's in a bit of a snit.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Dad, I wanted to talk to you about my driver's appointment.
Tim: OK.
Randy: I called to make an appointment. They were all booked up on Saturday, so I made it for tomorrow.
Tim: I can't go tomorrow. I'm working.
Randy: I know. Mom'll take me.
Tim: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. There are certain first times in a boy's life you don't want your mom with you, and this is the main one. Um... A week from Saturday, we'll go.
Randy: Dad, I don't wanna wait a week.
Tim: Wait a week for me.
Randy: I don't want to wait a week. I'll have Brad take me.
Tim: No, a father's supposed to be there for the great moments in his son's life.
Randy: Dad, you weren't there when I was born.
Tim: But this is big.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Dad, I know how important this is to you.
Tim: No, you don't know how important this is. This is really a big deal for me.
Randy: Dad, there's gonna be other occasions.
Tim: What other occasions?
Randy: Well, first dead battery, license renewals, tickets. You'll be right by my side for all of 'em.
Tim: You're not just saying this?
Randy: I promise.
Tim: God bless you, son.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Um, Judy, tell the audience what you've trained that rat to do?
Trudy: I've taught him to run all kinds of wire through walls, including computer wire for schools.
Tim: So, you need that rat before you can use your mouse. [chuckles]
Trudy: Judy takes her work very seriously.
Tim: Judy needs a man.
Trudy: Judy heard that. [to Al] It's true, though.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Look, I'm not pulling this out of thing air, okay? A lot of states have passed nighttime driving laws because teenagers have more accidents after dark.
Tim: It's a good law, but I've driven with him at night and he's a good driver.
Jill: I know. I just want him to have more experience behind the wheel before we send him out in the dark.
Tim: You know, night isn't as dark as it was when we first started driving.
Jill: What?!
Tim: El Nino.

Quote from Tim

Tim: He's gonna be just fine. And we can't have different rules for different kids. We let Brad drive his first night.
Jill: Well, yeah, and he rear-ended somebody.
Tim: That could happen to anybody.
Jill: Then he lied about it.
Tim: He was scared.
Jill: Then the guy he hit tried to sue us. Our insurance rates went through the roof and so did you.
Tim: Yeah, I did, didn't I?
Jill: Yes.
Tim: I got bit by a rat today.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Hey. What happened to you?
Tim: Forget about it, Brad. It's Chinatown.

Quote from Brad

Randy: Does this seem completely unfair to you?
Brad: Why would you want my opinion? I'm just a dork.
Randy: Good point. [grabs car keys]
Brad: Where are you going?
Randy: I don't know, but I'm driving there in the dark. [exits]
Brad: Mark's gonna pay for this.

Quote from Brad

Jill: Where is Randy?
Brad: Gee, I really don't know. Maybe he's in bed.
Tim: It's 9:15.
Brad: Well, you know, he ate dinner at four.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Mom, where are you going?
Jill: Downstairs. If he's awake, I wanna talk to him.
Brad: I don't really think you should go down.
Jill: Why not?
Brad: Well, because if he's sleeping, it will be dark and you could trip and fall and wake him up.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You know, he said something about Grosse Pointe. Maybe I should just drive up there and look for him.
Tim: Yeah! Go up there, find him and his girlfriend making out in the car, rap on the window, "I'm just here to protect my little baby."

Quote from Tim

Jill: OK. You're right. Bad idea. We'll just wait here, give him a chance to come home.
Tim: A little bit of pizza. [opens pizza box]
Jill: There's no cheese.
Tim: Hey, Brad! Has Al been over here?

Quote from Randy

Tim: Oh, look who's back. Mr. Grand Theft Auto.
Mark: I wouldn't wanna be you right now.
Randy: I wouldn't wanna be you ever.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You did take the car when we told you not to. I say a week without any driving at all.
Brad: One week? Boy, I couldn't drive for a month after I got in my accident.
Jill: That's a completely different situation.
Brad: Well, not to me. I mean, how can you give him less punishment than me?
Jill: We have to treat each one of you differently according to your needs.
Brad: And who decides what our needs are?
Jill: We do. Right, Tim?
Tim: Huh?
Jill: Tim, how come every time I try to have an important parenting discussion, you tune out?
Tim: I got bit by a rat this morning.

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