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‘Maybe, Baby’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Maybe, Baby

301. Maybe, Baby

Aired September 15, 1993

Jill's sister is having a baby girl, which leads Jill to wonder whether their family is complete.

Quote from Jill

Jill: We never actually said that we weren't gonna have another baby.
Tim: I've said it. I know I've talked about it. I mentioned it on Tool Time.
Jill: Oh, great. So 11 people know about it?
Tim: You remember babies at all? Dirty diapers. Colic? 2am feedings. 3am feedings. I don't have the energy for that anymore.
Jill: You don't have the energy to say, "Wake up, Jill, the baby wants you"?

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Quote from Randy

Tim: I thought you guys weren't supposed to watch that Goosebump Theater. Doesn't it give you nightmares?
Randy: Well, Tool Time gives us nightmares, and you make us watch that.
Tim: Hey, he's going after those guys with a Binford 5100 chain saw. That's a chain saw and a half. Good choice, ghoul.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Dobry dyen, good neighbor.
Tim: Huh?
Wilson: That's Russian for "hi-de-ho." I'm playing chess by mail with a grand master in Moscow.
Tim: Got a minute?
Wilson: Tim, I am your pawn.
Tim: Jill wants to have another baby.
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm not sure I can help you there.
Tim: That's not the area I'm having trouble with. [grunts]

Quote from Al

Tim: Of course, they're not sticks. These are artifacts.
Al: They look like sticks to me.
Tim: Hm? Well, little do you know. I wouldn't pay 15 bucks for some sticks, would I?
Al: Yes, Tim, you would. They say there's a sucker born every minute. Now we know what he does on his vacation.
Tim: Boy, gosh darn it. That's funny. That's really funny. Maybe when you're on your permanent vacation, you can build yourself a log unemployment office.

Quote from Tim

Jill: So you're just shutting the door... on the whole idea of having a baby?
Tim: I'm shutting the door.
Jill: That's your last word?
Tim: I've shut the door, put a chest in front of it, and there's a fat guy sitting on it.
Jill: What?
Tim: And he's holding Al's mom in his lap.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: A legacy. Something that's passed down, like, generational?
Wilson: Exactly, and that's what you have with your sons. You'll be able to pass on your accumulated wisdom, the things you've learned about being a man.
Tim: We've already started that, yeah. Last weekend I taught 'em all how to burp the alphabet.
Wilson: Actually, I'm talking about more than burping. You see, Tim, what your sons give you is immortality, and I think maybe that's what Jill wants - to see a part of herself live on.
Tim: So that's why she'd want a girl. Thanks, Wilson. You've been a help.
Wilson: Do svidaniya, good neighbor.
Tim: Do-si-do to you, too.

Quote from Jill

Jill: But you know what? I really don't want to have a baby right now.
Tim: I didn't mean this minute.
Jill: No! I've been thinking about it. The truth is that I don't really have time in my life for it right now. You know? I got the job, three kids... Well, four, including you.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Anyway, while Al was busy carving himself a life, I took my family to the natural history museum in Chicago. Very educational. A lot of fun.
Al: Yes, it is.
Tim: But we all know the worst part of a long car trip - the family in the car. "I'm tired." "I'm hungry." "I can't see." "He's pushing." "I gotta pee." Boy, my wife was annoying. But it worked out well, because I brought back from the museum some primitive tools from primitive man. Heidi, the artifacts, please. 'Course, y'all know our new tool girl. I want you all to say howdy to Heidi. Howdy, Heidi! Our old tool girl moved on to bigger and better things.
Al: Oh? Did she accept that offer from Bob Vila?
Tim: She went on to college. We both know that, Al.

Quote from Jill

Tim: What's all that stuff?
Jill: Oh, it's some of the boys' baby things. I'm gonna send it to Carol. I'm hoping there'll be something that will work for a girl. Ohhh. Look at the little booties. They're so teeny. [sniffs] They're Brad's. Oh, and the little hat. And the bib.
Tim: Are you gonna send the wittle bib to the wittle baby?
Jill: No, I'm keeping this around for you. Oh, my gosh.
Tim: Where'd that pink blanket come from?
Jill: I made this when I was pregnant with Mark. Remember, I was hoping for a girl? I wanted a sweet little thing I could cuddle on my lap, with beautiful curly hair and big bow in it.
Tim: Oh, you wanted to give birth to a poodle.
Jill: It could happen. Look at the father.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Maybe I should hold on to this.
Tim: Why would you wanna do that?
Jill: You never know.
Tim: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Back the estrogen express up, honey, huh? I see... Wait a minute. Your sister has a little girl, now you want a little girl?
Jill: So?
Tim: So? Carol gives birth to an elephant, does that mean you give birth to an elephant?
Jill: Oh, great, that's just what I want - pass a pair of tusks.
Tim: Ouch.

Quote from Randy

Brad: Whoa. Mom really wanted Mark to be a girl.
Randy: Yeah. I think we can have some fun with this. Oh, uh... Mark! Come on in here.
Mark: What do you want?
Randy: Buddy... have a seat. [Brad sighs] Well, we just found out some awful news from Dad, and we wanted to tell you before you heard it from a stranger.
Mark: What?
Randy: Well, Dad told us that when Mom had you, she really wanted a girl.
Mark: You're lying.
Brad: He just showed us the pink blanket she made for you.
Mark: He did not.
Randy: Yeah, you know how she's always saying she wants to bake with you.
Brad: And how she's always taking you shopping.
Randy: She's pretending you're her daughter.

Quote from Randy

Jill: Hey, Mark, we're gonna make a cake when I get home from work.
Mark: I'm not helping you.
Jill: How come? You love to make cakes.
Mark: I'm never baking again. [exits]
Jill: What's with him?
Randy: I don't know, but I'm sure gonna miss his brownies.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim. Tim. Tim!
Tim: What? I love it. It looks good. Your, uh... The hair, perfect. New outfit? Thinner? Younger?
Jill: Thank you, but that's not it. Remember what we were talking about last night?
Tim: Oh, the baby. I won't bring it up again, promise.
Jill: I'm bringing it up. Come on, haven't you thought about how nice it would be to have a little girl?
Tim: No! We have all the kids we can stand right now.

Quote from Tim

Tim: As sure as a bear takes reading material into the woods, tools lose their edge. That's why Al and I are doing our Tool Time salute... [grinding] to sharpeners. Before we get to the meat of the show, though, something happened at my house today that got me thinking, and I was wondering...
Al: Tim? Didn't you promise this year that you would stick to tools and not get into your personal life?
Tim: A promise is a promise, isn't it? But does this mean anything to you at all? [crosses his fingers] So, I was hoping...
Al: Well, how would you like it if I talked about my personal life?
Tim: When you get one, we'll talk about it. Right now, I'd like to talk about women and babies. What is the big deal? Women and babies, babies and women. If women gave birth to cars, that would be a big deal. You'd have guys lined up in delivery rooms seeing that stuff, huh?
Audience: Yeah.
Tim: Imagine your wife delivering a 3,000-pound Ferrari. Yeah! Oh, yeah. Slip it in gear, kiss your wife, drive the baby home. [laughs]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Her sister Carol is having a little girl, and I think it's stirring stuff in Jill. I think she'd like to have a little girl.
Wilson: Ah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm... Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And I get the feeling that you're not happy about the event.
Tim: I like the things just the way they are. The house, the kids, Jill. I have 276 power tools.
Wilson: So, what you're telling me, Tim, you feel your life is complete.
Tim: Yeah, in a manner of speaking, sure.
Wilson: Well, maybe Jill doesn't feel the same way.
Tim: What's that supposed to mean?
Wilson: I think what Jill is after... is a legacy.
Tim: A Japanese car.
Wilson: That's a good one, Tim. That's a good one.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I think I know why you want a daughter. You want to be immortal, like me.
Jill: You're immortal?
Tim: Long after I'm gone, the boys will still be burping.
Jill: What?
Tim: But you don't have a little Jill Jr. to pass on girl stuff to.
Jill: Oh, girl stuff, huh? Like cooking and cleaning and doing laundry?
Tim: Don't forget darning socks.
Jill: That's a skill I'd hate to see die out.
Tim: I'm kidding. What I'm saying is if I can be immortal, you should be able to be immortal, too. So, let's... let's... let's talk about having a daughter.
Jill: Are you serious?
Tim: Yeah. And then I could build her a little Barbie Dream House. And I'd remodel the whole downstairs, you know, put in a rec room, a little weight room for Ken, a little back door for GI Joe.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. You all know my assistant Al "What's the point of having a weekend?" Borland. We've been gone for two weeks on vacation, Al and I. It's good to be back. I hope you enjoyed the reruns. While we were gone, Al, I guess you finished that log cabin up at Hope Lake?
Al: Yes, Tim, I have. I finished it completely by myself. Everything in it is made from logs.
Tim: Fantastic. Can't wait to stop by and meet the little log woman.

Quote from Tim

Tim: The point is, to John Q Primitive Man, this was his source of fire. They would try to get a spark going, rubbing like this, to see if they could get the kindling moving.
Al: Well, you should be careful, because you could start a fire.
Tim: Like I'm really gonna start a fire with sticks like this. You can't get a spark...
Al: Tim...
Tim: Al... Al...
Al: You're on fire.
Tim: Indeed I am, Al, and, you know, I've done this to teach the kids an important lesson - don't play with sticks. They can put your eye out or ignite your forearm. Al, could you help me out?

Quote from Jill

Jill: Boys! Hey! Hey, boys, come on. You don't wanna be late for school.
Mark: Yes, we do.
Randy: Well, hey, if we're gonna be late, we might as well not go at all.
Brad: Yeah.
Jill: Yeah, right. You know, when I was a kid, I could not wait to get to school, see my teachers, hand in my homework, take all those tests I always got A's on.
Brad: Yeah, but I bet you got beat up a lot.
Jill: Every day. Now move it, guys. Have a good time at school.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Right! I got the horn working for the hot rod, huh?
Jill: Really? I thought a flock of geese had exploded in there.
Tim: Speaking of a flock of geese, your sister called.
Jill: What did she say about the ultrasound? What is she having?
Tim: A baby.
Jill: I know she's having a baby. What kind of a baby?
Tim: I dunno. I hope it doesn't look a lot like her.
Jill: OK, I'll call her. I can't believe you're so blasé about this. You know, having a baby is a big deal.
Tim: What's the big deal? Cells get together and multiply. Poof! You got a baby. You women act as though it's some sort of miracle.
Jill: It is a miracle.
Tim: No, no, no, no, no, a miracle is what happened to the 1980 US Olympic hockey team. You women give birth, thousands of fans don't stand up and go, "USA! USA! USA!"
Jill: Well, maybe women should start giving birth in stadiums.
Tim: Well, maybe they should! Good luck getting 50,000 guys to see that.

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