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‘Mr. Likeable’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Mr. Likeable

809. Mr. Likeable

Aired November 17, 1998

Al starts doing endorsements after the likeability ratings show he is more popular than Tim. [Guest star: Morgan Fairchild]

Quote from Tim

Al: You know, I never thought this would happen to me. I've always lived in someone else's shadow.
Tim: Well, growing up with your mom, I'm surprised you knew there was a sun.

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Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, Tim, I can understand your concern for Al. But I'm also reminded of the Persian writer Nasir-i Khusraw. He said, "Though God creates the mother, the breast and the milk, the children must draw for themselves their mother's milk."
Tim: Wilson, you just gave me 12 horrible images.
Wilson: No, no, no, no. I'm just saying, just as the child learns self-reliance by separating from his mother, so the assistant learns by separating from the Tool Man. Maybe what Al needs is protection and support so he's not left hanging.
Tim: So I'll just buy him a sturdy jockstrap.
Wilson: Hello, horrible image number 13.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, that about wraps up Tool Time. So, Tim, what have we learned today?
Tim: Well, we learned that blown foam insulation is a great way to reduce energy costs at your house.
Al: And?
Tim: Well, and that blown foam insulation is a great sound-dampener.
Al: And when the manufacturer says 100 psi max, they mean 100 psi max!
[Al rotates the display to show Tim stuck in foamy pile of insulation, which the back of the set is also covered with]

Quote from Al

Heidi: Cable show ratings just came in. I think you might want to take a look.
Al: Congratulations, Heidi! You won again with males aged 13 to 95.

Quote from Al

Al: Ah, well, my ratings are up again in the "likeability" column.
Heidi: You're off the charts!
Al: Yeah. Oh, my God! I beat Tim!
Heidi: Yes! Congratulations. Listen, you really ought to take advantage of this new popularity.
Al: What do you mean?
Heidi: Well, when's the last time you appeared in public?
Al: Well, Tuesday I went to the mall for peanut brittle and a belt.

Quote from Brad

Mark: I'd love to go out with Erica. Just all she does is complain about her jerk boyfriend.
Brad: Mark, Mark, wake up. She's using you as her shoulder to cry on. You know what that means, right?
Mark: Yeah. She thinks I'm a girl.
Brad: No. No. She thinks you're a caring, sensitive listener. And when she finally breaks up with that jerk boyfriend of hers, you're in the pole position.
Mark: All I have to do is just sit on the phone and listen?
Brad: You don't even have to listen. Just pretend. Every so often say lines like "I sympathize with your needs." And when you want to whip out the big guns, try "I hurt when you hurt."
Mark: This is so devious. Thank you.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Did you get my tulip bulbs?
Tim: Oh! I forgot to go by the garden center. I'm sorry. Let me ask you a question.
Jill: What?
Tim: Am I a likable guy?
Jill: Are you gonna get my bulbs?
Tim: What would you say if I told you that Al was more likable than me?
Jill: Duh?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Our ratings came out today and for the first time in 10 years, Al was rated more likable than me.
Jill: So this is bothering you, right?
Tim: Well, duh. You don't think Binford would think about switching hosts, do you?
Jill: Honey, that's never gonna happen. Look, Al hosted the show once and it was a disaster. He needs you to make it all work.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Jill: Well, see, look, you took a shy, insecure, stiff guy and you turned him into a likable, confident, stiff guy. You gave him his persona. You invented the signature salute. You sort of created Al.
Tim: I did. I created Al. Almost like Al is my Frankenstein monster. You know, without the attractive neck bolts. He's alive!
Jill: Now, see? That's what you should do. Just enjoy the fruits of your labor.
Tim: Yeah. You know, and maybe accept my fate in a way. You know, because even the brightest stars can't shine forever. I mean, there's a point when the champions like me and Michael Jordan just have to pass our balls on to somebody else.

Quote from Al

Al: "Hope you enjoy your bag of "fert-Al-izer."

Quote from Mark

Mark: Guess what? Erica's coming over to cry on my shoulder.
Jill: What's the matter with Erica?
Mark: Oh, her boyfriend broke up with her. And I'm helping her through her anguish.
Jill: What do you know about anguish?
Mark: I live with you and Dad.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, Al, we don't need a manager. I lined up a great gig for you today. You're christening a ship.
Jill: It's a trash barge.
Tim: It's a slag barge. It's a Cadillac of waste products.

Quote from Mark

Erica: And then he said, "Well, why didn't you tell me that before?" And I said, "Well, I thought that it was obvious." And he said, "Well, it wasn't obvious to me." Isn't it obvious to you?
Mark: Huh?
Erica: I asked if it was obvious to you.
Mark: It doesn't matter what I think. Just keep sharing your feelings and I'll keep listening.
Erica: Well, I'd really like to know what you think.
Mark: Well, I hurt when you hurt.
Erica: What are you talking about? I'm not hurting.
Mark: Well, then I'm not either.
Erica: Mark, I want you to tell me one thing that I just talked about.
Mark: You used the word "obvious."
Erica: That's what I thought. You know, you're even worse than my boyfriend. At least he's honest about not listening to me. [walks away]
Mark: I sympathize with your needs!

Quote from Wilson

Tim: You can start as early as you want, Wilson. But I'm still gonna kick butt in that Christmas lighting contest.
Wilson: No. This is not for Christmas, Tim. Are you familiar with who inspired the Indian festival of Deepawali?
Tim: I'm still wondering who put the bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop.
Wilson: Well, probably the same person who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong.
Tim: You want to know who put Al in a Movie of the Week with Morgan Fairchild?
Wilson: Morgan Fairchild? I love her!

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'm not jealous or anything. I just think he's moving too fast. It's like Frankenstein loose on the world without his doctor by his side, you know? What was the doctor's name?
Wilson: Frankenstein.
Tim: They were related?

Quote from Tim

Al: Maybe I'm just not an actor.
Tim: Maybe not now. You take a few classes. The next thing you know, you'll be back in Morgan Fairchild's arms.
Al: I just... I guess I tried to fly too high too fast.
Tim: Gravity is a cruel mistress. Your mom probably taught you that.

Quote from Al

Al: I should've been happy with the career path we were working on, you know? There's no shame in making longshoremen happy.
Tim: At least not in this state.

Quote from Tim

Morgan Fairchild: Al.
Al: Yes, Morgan Fairchild?
Morgan Fairchild: I am so sorry about this. May I have your autograph?
Al: You... You want my autograph?
Morgan Fairchild: Well, actually, it's not for me. It's for my dad. He's a huge fan of Tool Time.
Tim: Well, he probably wants mine, too. Hi. I'm Tim the Tool Man.
Morgan Fairchild: Hi. No, he didn't mention you. Thanks. I, on the other hand, am a huge fan of yours, honey.
Tim: Morgan Fairchild. I love her!

Quote from Al

Heidi: I mean, you should be doing promotions and endorsements. Al, you could be the next Ed McMahon.
Al: Ed McMahon?
Heidi: Uh-huh.
Al: Hiyo!

Quote from Al

Tim: Hey, once again, Heidi, in the stratosphere. What is it with you and men? What the...
Al: Hey, the show's doing pretty well.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, no.
Al: I didn't beat you by much! [off Tim's look] Okay, I'll clear out my locker.
Heidi: Hey, don't be ridiculous. Whatever gave you guys the idea this was some type of competition? Come on!
Al: Well, maybe because every month when these come out, Tim runs around going, "I won! I won! I won!"

Quote from Brad

Brad: What's up, Mark?
Mark: If a girl named Erica calls, tell her I'm not here, all right?
Brad: What? Is she, like, the ugliest girl in junior high?
Mark: Actually, she's the prettiest. I wish she'd just leave me alone.
Brad: Wait, wait. There's no way you and I are related.

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