Al: You know, I never thought this would happen to me. I've always lived in someone else's shadow.
Tim: Well, growing up with your mom, I'm surprised you knew there was a sun.

Wilson: You know, Tim, I can understand your concern for Al. But I'm also reminded of the Persian writer Nasir-i Khusraw. He said, "Though God creates the mother, the breast and the milk, the children must draw for themselves their mother's milk."
Tim: Wilson, you just gave me 12 horrible images.
Wilson: No, no, no, no. I'm just saying, just as the child learns self-reliance by separating from his mother, so the assistant learns by separating from the Tool Man. Maybe what Al needs is protection and support so he's not left hanging.
Tim: So I'll just buy him a sturdy jockstrap.
Wilson: Hello, horrible image number 13.

Al: Well, that about wraps up Tool Time. So, Tim, what have we learned today?
Tim: Well, we learned that blown foam insulation is a great way to reduce energy costs at your house.
Al: And?
Tim: Well, and that blown foam insulation is a great sound-dampener.
Al: And when the manufacturer says 100 psi max, they mean 100 psi max!
[Al rotates the display to show Tim stuck in foamy pile of insulation, which the back of the set is also covered with]

Heidi: Cable show ratings just came in. I think you might want to take a look.
Al: Congratulations, Heidi! You won again with males aged 13 to 95.

Al: Ah, well, my ratings are up again in the "likeability" column.
Heidi: You're off the charts!
Al: Yeah. Oh, my God! I beat Tim!
Heidi: Yes! Congratulations. Listen, you really ought to take advantage of this new popularity.
Al: What do you mean?
Heidi: Well, when's the last time you appeared in public?
Al: Well, Tuesday I went to the mall for peanut brittle and a belt.

Mark: I'd love to go out with Erica. Just all she does is complain about her jerk boyfriend.
Brad: Mark, Mark, wake up. She's using you as her shoulder to cry on. You know what that means, right?
Mark: Yeah. She thinks I'm a girl.
Brad: No. No. She thinks you're a caring, sensitive listener. And when she finally breaks up with that jerk boyfriend of hers, you're in the pole position.
Mark: All I have to do is just sit on the phone and listen?
Brad: You don't even have to listen. Just pretend. Every so often say lines like "I sympathize with your needs." And when you want to whip out the big guns, try "I hurt when you hurt."
Mark: This is so devious. Thank you.

Jill: Did you get my tulip bulbs?
Tim: Oh! I forgot to go by the garden center. I'm sorry. Let me ask you a question.
Jill: What?
Tim: Am I a likable guy?
Jill: Are you gonna get my bulbs?
Tim: What would you say if I told you that Al was more likable than me?
Jill: Duh?

Tim: Our ratings came out today and for the first time in 10 years, Al was rated more likable than me.
Jill: So this is bothering you, right?
Tim: Well, duh. You don't think Binford would think about switching hosts, do you?
Jill: Honey, that's never gonna happen. Look, Al hosted the show once and it was a disaster. He needs you to make it all work.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Jill: Well, see, look, you took a shy, insecure, stiff guy and you turned him into a likable, confident, stiff guy. You gave him his persona. You invented the signature salute. You sort of created Al.
Tim: I did. I created Al. Almost like Al is my Frankenstein monster. You know, without the attractive neck bolts. He's alive!
Jill: Now, see? That's what you should do. Just enjoy the fruits of your labor.
Tim: Yeah. You know, and maybe accept my fate in a way. You know, because even the brightest stars can't shine forever. I mean, there's a point when the champions like me and Michael Jordan just have to pass our balls on to somebody else.

Al: "Hope you enjoy your bag of "fert-Al-izer."

Mark: Guess what? Erica's coming over to cry on my shoulder.
Jill: What's the matter with Erica?
Mark: Oh, her boyfriend broke up with her. And I'm helping her through her anguish.
Jill: What do you know about anguish?
Mark: I live with you and Dad.