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‘The Haunting of Taylor House’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The Haunting of Taylor House

206. The Haunting of Taylor House

Aired October 28, 1992

Tim creates a haunted house in the basement to scare Brad's friends, but he is more surprised when Jennifer isn't wearing the couple's costume they agreed to wear.

Quote from Jill

Jill: What have you been doing down there all day long? What took so long?
Tim: Come on, honey. Horror takes time. Besides, when Brad's guests get here tonight, they're gonna be down there with their hair bleached white, eyes bugging out with that look of horror.
Jill: That's the way you looked on our wedding day.
Tim: I shouldn't have lifted the veil.
Jill: Who told you to wear it?

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Quote from Mark

Mark: I'm ready.
Randy: Who are you supposed to be?
Mark: I'm Daddy. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Tim: Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Mark: Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Tim: Right. Yeah.
Randy: You should have gone as Al. We could have gotten more stuff.

Quote from Al

Tim: All right, now that we have an even layer of mortar, it's time to float our brick. There we go. One more course, and our brick wall will be finished. Oh, golly, Al. I'm out of brick.
Al: Are you telling me, Tim, that you're a few bricks shy of a load? [snorts]
Tim: No, I'm telling you you're one wisecrack short of unemployment. [snorts]

Quote from Tim

Tim: It's Halloween and we all can't be as spooky as Al here. But we can cut ourselves some frightening jack-o'- lanterns.
Al: That's right, Tim. As you can see, I've ready carved my jack-o'- lantern. [Al's pumpkin features a portrait of Bob Vila] Although I've noticed you have not carved your jack-o'- lantern.
Tim: How perceptive of you, Al. Well, I could spend long, boring hours whittling away with an eensy-weensy carving knife like you. Or I could put some excitement into the pumpkin-carving process and sculpt my pumpkin using what?
Audience: More power!
Tim: Darn right, more power. I've cored and scored this bad boy. All I need now is a small explosion to pop the pieces out of the pumpkin. I've filled the pumpkin with natural gas, installed a small sparking device that's activated by this simple remote control. Don't try this at home, children.
Al: I believe that charge might be a little too...
Tim: Too powerful for you, Al? Too manly? A little too macho?
Al: No, all I'm...
Tim: If that's the case, Al, why don't you just cower and hide behind the desk here? [Al ducks behind the desk] Because this bad boy is about ready to go.
[After Tim presses the button, the front carvings of the pumpkin are blown out perfectly]
Tim: See there, Al. Nothing to worry about, buddy.
[When Al gets up from behind the desk, his face is covered in pumpkin guts]

Quote from Tim

Brad: Mom, everything fits except for the pants.
Tim: Who are you? No, what are you?
Jill: Raggedy Andy.
Tim: Oh, that's right It's Halloween, I'm sorry. Look out, Frankenstein. Look out, Werewolf, it's Raggedy! No, just when you thought it was safe to go back to the toy box... [Preppy voice] It's Andy! Hey, boo! Hey! Boo-hoo. Boo, dude, boo.

Quote from Tim

Brad: I feel like a sissy.
Jill: You are not a sissy. The two of you are gonna look so cute together.
Brad: I can't believe I'm doing this.
Tim: Brad, a lot of times men do things they don't want to do so the women they're going out with will do things they don't want to do.
Brad: Like what?
Jill: Yeah, like what, Tim?
Tim: Get married, de-grease an engine, shave your back hair.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Wilson, the Catacomb of Terror is just about complete, but I need your chains.
Wilson: Mm-hmm. Right inside the garage, good neighbor.
Tim: This is gonna be great. It's gonna be so scary down there, those kids are gonna love this.
Wilson: I'm sure they will, Tim. I believe it was Winston Churchill who said, "There's nothing so exhilarating as being shot at and missed."
Tim: Safe bet it wasn't Lincoln who said that.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Well, Tim, it's just a physical reaction. When a person becomes frightened, his body releases large amounts of epinephrine.
Tim: I love that song, too.
Wilson: Hm?
Tim: [sings] Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from epinephrine goes walking...
Wilson: No, no, no, no, Tim. You're talking Ipanema. I'm talking epinephrine.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah, sure you are. Sure.
Wilson: Well, let's just say adrenaline. It speeds up the conversion of glycogen into glucose. [Wilson lights up his pumpkin which features his face behind a fence] And glucose supplies energy to the muscles, thus making them more efficient for a fight or flight.
Tim: I don't care what it does. When Brad's friends see this Catacomb of Terror, there'll be epinephrine in their pants.

Quote from Tim

[Tim screams as he sees Jill in her carrot costume]
Jill: Don't even start!
Tim: That's the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life.
Jill: I had a little problem with the reservation.
Tim: Hide the dip!

Quote from Jill

Jill: Curtis! Ho-ho-ho, Tim, Curtis is here.
Curtis: Mrs. Taylor, that's a great costume.
Jill: Thank you.
Curtis: You can't even see how fat you are.
Jill: What are you supposed to be, Curtis?
Curtis: I'm an atom.
Jill: Then why don't you split.
Curtis: Very funny, Mrs. Taylor.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Yesterday after school, we played kickball.
Tim: All right. Got a clue now. You didn't kick her in the face with the ball, did you?
Brad: No.
Tim: Good. 'Cause women really hate that. What did you do?
Brad: I didn't do anything. Besides, why does it have to be my fault?
Tim: Son, it's always our fault.
Brad: Why didn't she just tell me? She said I should know.
Tim: She didn't tell you because... women aren't as smart as they think they are. They don't realize how little we actually know.

Quote from Mark

Danny: This isn't scary. It's totally lame. [The kids scream as Mark runs out in a costume] Oh, come on, Jennifer. That's just Brad's dumb little brother.
Mark: It is not me.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Wait, wait! Watch out! Watch out! That's chains! What could it be? [gasps] It's Nanastein!
Tim: Mother-in-law from beyond the grave. [coughs] I seem to have hocked up a little maggot.
All: Ew.
Tim: Now I want to kiss a little kid. Come here! [kids scream]
Danny: This is pathetic. You're in a dress. Your son's a doll. And your wife's a radish.
Jill: Hey, I'm a carrot. Learn your vegetables.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, Tim, your haunted house was a huge success. I've gotta hand it to you.
Tim: With what?
Wilson: Oh, thank you, Nanastein. You are looking so youthful this evening.
Tim: Well, it's probably that new moisturizer, that Formaldehyde of Olay.

Quote from Tim

Al: Tim, there doesn't seem to be any... Tim? Tim?
Tim: Tim's not here anymore. [screams as he runs at Al wearing a Halloween mask] Gotcha pretty good, didn't I?
Al: Yes, Tim. I'm quaking.
Tim: That's a good mask. Who are you supposed to be?
Al: I'm Al.
Tim: [screams] It's an Al!

Quote from Jill

Randy: What are you guys doing?
Jill: I'm making the food for Brad's Halloween party. Perhaps you would like to try some dirt and worms. [screams]
Randy: Mom, please tell me I'm adopted.
Jill: Mmm! Delicious.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, I don't think we'll have to worry about the insurance salesman for awhile. [laughs]
Randy: How's the haunted house?
Tim: Haunted house? Come on, I've designed the Catacombs of Terror.
Randy: Can we take a look?
Tim: It's pretty scary and dangerous there. Are either of you pregnant or wearing a pacemaker?
Randy: No.
Tim: [mocking] No.

Quote from Jill

Tim: What do I do?
Jill: OK, I want you to put these grapes into this tapioca.
Tim: What's that supposed to be?
Jill: Eyeballs and pus. Mm!
Tim: Home cooking, huh? Wait, wait, wait, wait. If I put green food coloring in here, it would look infected.
Jill: Oh, that's good. That's real good. Do that.

Quote from Brad

Randy: Hey, why are you wearing a mop on your head?
Brad: Shut up, geek.
Mark: I think your costume looks great.
Brad: Oh, if you like it, I'm dead.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Raggedy Andy. Brad's got it bad for that girl, Jennifer.
Jill: Aw, if I asked you to wear that costume, you'd do it for me, wouldn't you?
Tim: I don't think so, Jill. [Jill chuckles] Besides, Brad likes Jennifer a lot more than I like you. You wouldn't catch me in any fairy tale outfit because I've got the scariest costume in the Motor City.
Jill: Wrong-o, cherry buns. The rental-house manager has guaranteed me that I have the scariest-looking costume that they have ever had.
Tim: They've got a costume that looks like you at 7 am? [hisses]

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