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‘Feud for Thought’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Feud for Thought

311. Feud for Thought

Aired December 1, 1993

When Jill attends her 20 year high school reunion, she tries to avoid her former best friend, Joanie (Lee Garlington), who stole her boyfriend. Meanwhile, Al looks after the boys.

Quote from Jill

Tim: What you got in this thing?
Jill: Clothes.
Tim: We're only going to DC for two days.
Jill: And two nights. That's four outfits. And they said it might snow.
Tim: So what did you do, pack a snow shovel and a plow?
Jill: No. A parka and boots. I'm not gonna walk in the slush in my high heels.
Tim: What you got in there?
Jill: My essentials. The makeup, the night cream, the day cream, the concealer, the cotton balls, magnifying mirror...
Tim: Why don't you just airmail the whole bathroom... Oh!
Jill: I wish I could.

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Quote from Jill

Jill: OK, Al, I've got a few instructions for you here. Now, Mark has a birthday party to go to tomorrow at the ice rink. This is the address. He's a little bit nervous 'cause he hasn't skated in about a year. Brad has a girlfriend, Ashley, coming over to study. Make sure that he studies his books and not her. Now, Randy still has a little bronchitis. Do not let him go outside. And make sure he takes all this medicine. He gets one teaspoon of cough syrup twice a day, one teaspoon of antibiotic three times a day. This has to live in the refrigerator. Now, if his cough turns into a wheeze, you know, it's kind of like a little whistly sound, discontinue the cough syrup and give him two puffs of this inhaler four times a day. Unless it's like a big whistle, and then you should call the doctor, and then me. Now, I gave you all... the doctor's number, pharmacy number, hotel number and our flight numbers right here. Oh, Tim, do you have any instructions for Al?
Tim: Don't let anybody touch my tools.

Quote from Wilson

Al: You know, Wilson... I always pictured myself getting married and having a bustling houseful of kids. Boy, I'm starting to reconsider.
Wilson: Well, Al, I wouldn't write off parenthood entirely. When you start off with a baby, you're a baby as a parent. Then as the children grow up, the parent grows too, so that hopefully, when adolescence is reached, you're both ready for it.
Al: That's a wonderful thought, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, being a bachelor, it's easy to come up with these things. But I wouldn't worry about it, Al. I suspect that someday you'll make an excellent parent. [Randy taunts Al by dancing in front of the door]
Al: You really think I'd make a good parent?
Wilson: Certainly. I've seen the way you take care of Tim.
Al: [grunts] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Quote from Tim

Tim: There's a big difference between men and women. Look what you're taking - the Godzilla bag. And I got this. Between this and what I got on, I got everything I need, including... a suit.
Jill: You have a whole suit squished into that little pouch?
Tim: Yeah, and I got a necktie in there somehow.
Jill: I don't know about this.
Tim: Oh, no. It's wrinkle-free. You hang it up, couple hours - boom, the wrinkles are gone. It's made out of space-age woven polyester.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Look, it was high school. It was a long time ago. People change.
Jill: I know.
Tim: Believe it or not, in high school, I was obnoxious. [laughs]

Quote from Jill

Joanie: Jack thinks he's so handy, but basically he screws up everything he touches.
Jill: It must be awful to be married to a man like that.

Quote from Jill

Jill: [answers the phone] Hello? Yes, it is. Reunion? What reunion? No, I never got an invitation. I haven't lived there in 15 years. Oh, gosh. It's next Saturday? I don't know if I can get it together that fast. I have to make hotel reservations, plane reservations, lose ten pounds...

Quote from Tim

Jill: You will never guess what I just found out. My high-school reunion is next Saturday in Washington.
Tim: Has it been 50 years already?
Jill: 20. You know what? I think I wanna go. We just have to find somebody to stay with the kids.
Tim: I'll stay.
Jill: No way! I went to your reunion, you're going to mine.
Tim: You were miserable at my reunion. You spent the whole night by yourself.
Jill: And why was that? Because you and your friends spent the whole night mooning your old principal.
Tim: I think she enjoyed it.

Quote from Al

Al: Hey, Tim. How are you?
Tim: What's in the bag? You're only staying here two days.
Al: And two nights.

Quote from Tim

Hotel Clerk: So, you'll be with us for... two nights?
Jill: Yeah, that's right.
Hotel Clerk: [deep voice] Well, I hope while you're in our nation's capital you'll have time to do some sightseeing.
Tim: [imitating his deep voice] Well, we certainly will attempt it. [normal voice] We're gonna try to make it to the Smithsonian.
Hotel Clerk: Ooh, excellent choice. You know, it's home to Old Glory and the desk Thomas Jefferson used to draft the Declaration of Independence.
Tim: That's great. We're hoping to see Don Garlits' Funny Car, "Swamp Rat."

Quote from Tim

Tim: If you're so mad at Joanie, why did you tell her everything was all right?
Jill: I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that it still bothers me.
Tim: Wait a minute. Come here, sit down. You didn't want to come here, but you came here. You want me to support you, you want me to shut up. You hate her, but you want her to still think you like her.
Jill: Exactly.
Tim: [sighs] I'll tell you what. If this were two guys, it'd be over 20 years ago. We'd have rolled up our sleeves, broke each other's noses, had a couple of beers.

Quote from Al

Al: I'm sorry, but you promised me you were gonna keep the door open.
Brad: The wind blew it shut.
Ashley: Yeah.
Al: Oh, yeah, right. All those big gusts coming in from the bathroom? I don't think so.

Quote from Al

Mark: I'm not going to the stupid party.
Al: Look, you're doing great. Come on. You know? There's gonna be pizza there and party favors. You know, I remember my first pizza/skating party. I was 32.
Mark: Al! I'm not doing this.
Al: Glide.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Problems, temporary Taylor dad?
Al: Oh, hi, Wilson.
Wilson: Hi-ho.
Al: Listen, Wilson. You wouldn't happen to have any extra keys, would you?
Wilson: Yes, indeedy.
Al: Great. Matter of fact, I have a whole Taylor packet. Tim leaves it with me for all the different baby-sitters. All right, here we go. We got some Band-Aids, some gauze, handcuff keys... Here we go. House keys.
Al: Thank you, Wilson. Those boys are... they're a handful.
Wilson: They are a puckish band of rapscallions.

Quote from Tim

Tim: It doesn't look that bad.
Jill: You might as well have worn your pajamas.
Tim: Stop, stop, stop. You're makin' it worse.
Jill: Why... Why did you wait so long to take it out of the pouch?
Tim: It'll be OK if you just leave it alone, all right? Needs air. It just needs to breathe. It needs to breathe.
Jill: It looks like it needs CPR.

Quote from Jill

Mrs. Grabowski: Little Julie Patterson?
Jill: Oh, it's Jill.
Mrs. Grabowski: Sí. ¿Cómo está usted?
Jill: Oh, it's so nice to see you.
Mrs. Grabowski: En español, por favor.
Jill: Oh, um... Señora Grabowski. Sí. Yo estoy bueno. Este es mi bozo, Tim.
Mrs. Grabowski: Esposo.
Jill: Oh, yeah. Esposo.
Mrs. Grabowski: Hola, Tim.
Tim: Uh... fajita chimichanga.

Quote from Jill

Joanie: Tim seems... he seems very nice. Suit in a pouch?
Jill: Exactly.
Joanie: How long have you been married?
Jill: Oh. Um... almost 16 years. [Tim gets electrocuted as he works on the sound system] And the sparks are still there.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Uh, no cause for alarm, but I think we'll have to exit the building quasi-quickly. Este move-a-butt-a-now-a! Go. Back door.
Mrs. Grabowski: ¡Fuego! ¡Fuego! ¡Vamos! ¡Fuego!

Quote from Jill

Brad: Uh, this is my friend Ashley.
Jill: Hi, Ashley.
Ashley: Hi.
Brad: She's gonna study with me.
Ashley: Yeah, we've got, like, a really big history test coming up.
Jill: Oh. Well, here, let me clear this table and you can, like, use it.
Brad: No, it's OK. We decided to study in my room.
Jill: Make sure you, like, leave the door open, OK?

Quote from Tim

Tim: I thought you hated your high school.
Jill: I loved this high school. I hated Joanie Graham.
Tim: Well, Joanie the phony could be there. You wanna risk it?
Jill: I don't care if she is there. She kept me away from my high-school prom. She's not gonna keep me away from my reunion. You know what? I hope that she comes. I hope she comes and brings whatever-his-name-was.
Tim: Oh, yeah. The guy that dumped you for her. Jack. Jack.
Jill: I know his name was Jack. You think I forgot his name was Jack? Practically ruined my whole senior year. Everybody in the school knew that my best friend was seeing my boyfriend, except me.
Tim: So you want to fly to DC to be mocked and humiliated? I could do that right here.

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