Tim: What you got in this thing?
Jill: Clothes.
Tim: We're only going to DC for two days.
Jill: And two nights. That's four outfits. And they said it might snow.
Tim: So what did you do, pack a snow shovel and a plow?
Jill: No. A parka and boots. I'm not gonna walk in the slush in my high heels.
Tim: What you got in there?
Jill: My essentials. The makeup, the night cream, the day cream, the concealer, the cotton balls, magnifying mirror...
Tim: Why don't you just airmail the whole bathroom... Oh!
Jill: I wish I could.

Jill: OK, Al, I've got a few instructions for you here. Now, Mark has a birthday party to go to tomorrow at the ice rink. This is the address. He's a little bit nervous 'cause he hasn't skated in about a year. Brad has a girlfriend, Ashley, coming over to study. Make sure that he studies his books and not her. Now, Randy still has a little bronchitis. Do not let him go outside. And make sure he takes all this medicine. He gets one teaspoon of cough syrup twice a day, one teaspoon of antibiotic three times a day. This has to live in the refrigerator. Now, if his cough turns into a wheeze, you know, it's kind of like a little whistly sound, discontinue the cough syrup and give him two puffs of this inhaler four times a day. Unless it's like a big whistle, and then you should call the doctor, and then me. Now, I gave you all... the doctor's number, pharmacy number, hotel number and our flight numbers right here. Oh, Tim, do you have any instructions for Al?
Tim: Don't let anybody touch my tools.

Al: You know, Wilson... I always pictured myself getting married and having a bustling houseful of kids. Boy, I'm starting to reconsider.
Wilson: Well, Al, I wouldn't write off parenthood entirely. When you start off with a baby, you're a baby as a parent. Then as the children grow up, the parent grows too, so that hopefully, when adolescence is reached, you're both ready for it.
Al: That's a wonderful thought, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, being a bachelor, it's easy to come up with these things. But I wouldn't worry about it, Al. I suspect that someday you'll make an excellent parent. [Randy taunts Al by dancing in front of the door]
Al: You really think I'd make a good parent?
Wilson: Certainly. I've seen the way you take care of Tim.
Al: [grunts] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Tim: There's a big difference between men and women. Look what you're taking - the Godzilla bag. And I got this. Between this and what I got on, I got everything I need, including... a suit.
Jill: You have a whole suit squished into that little pouch?
Tim: Yeah, and I got a necktie in there somehow.
Jill: I don't know about this.
Tim: Oh, no. It's wrinkle-free. You hang it up, couple hours - boom, the wrinkles are gone. It's made out of space-age woven polyester.

Tim: Look, it was high school. It was a long time ago. People change.
Jill: I know.
Tim: Believe it or not, in high school, I was obnoxious. [laughs]

Joanie: Jack thinks he's so handy, but basically he screws up everything he touches.
Jill: It must be awful to be married to a man like that.

Jill: [answers the phone] Hello? Yes, it is. Reunion? What reunion? No, I never got an invitation. I haven't lived there in 15 years. Oh, gosh. It's next Saturday? I don't know if I can get it together that fast. I have to make hotel reservations, plane reservations, lose ten pounds...

Jill: You will never guess what I just found out. My high-school reunion is next Saturday in Washington.
Tim: Has it been 50 years already?
Jill: 20. You know what? I think I wanna go. We just have to find somebody to stay with the kids.
Tim: I'll stay.
Jill: No way! I went to your reunion, you're going to mine.
Tim: You were miserable at my reunion. You spent the whole night by yourself.
Jill: And why was that? Because you and your friends spent the whole night mooning your old principal.
Tim: I think she enjoyed it.

Al: Hey, Tim. How are you?
Tim: What's in the bag? You're only staying here two days.
Al: And two nights.

Hotel Clerk: So, you'll be with us for... two nights?
Jill: Yeah, that's right.
Hotel Clerk: [deep voice] Well, I hope while you're in our nation's capital you'll have time to do some sightseeing.
Tim: [imitating his deep voice] Well, we certainly will attempt it. [normal voice] We're gonna try to make it to the Smithsonian.
Hotel Clerk: Ooh, excellent choice. You know, it's home to Old Glory and the desk Thomas Jefferson used to draft the Declaration of Independence.
Tim: That's great. We're hoping to see Don Garlits' Funny Car, "Swamp Rat."