Jill: We're supposed to be planning this very important event in my parents' lives and my sisters bail. I don't know why I'm surprised. I mean, they get to be crazy. I have to be the sensible one.
Wilson: Well, it can be quite a burden.
Jill: Do you have any idea what it's like to have everybody come with their problems, and expect you to solve them?
[Jill looks away as Wilson peeks over his menu]
Wilson: You know, Jill, I realize it isn't easy. A lot of people think it's a picnic for me to stand by the fence and offer up a quotation for every situation. I mean, what am I, a library?

Jill: Stop it. Stop it! You are all insane. And I'm insane for sitting here listening to this. I'm sick of all this fighting. I'm sick of playing referee in this family. And when there is no party for Mom and Dad you can tell them why. [heads upstairs]
Tim: Jill?
Linda: Well, what's wrong with her?
Tracy: Well, I don't know. I mean, she's always so sensible. At least, you'd think she'd try a little harder with family here for God's sake.
Tim: Excuse me. Excuse me. My wife has been up all night worrying because you hens won't stop bickering. Huh? She tries to do something nice for your parents and how do you thank her? You argue about a cat playing a piano and Hank Fahrvegnugen! You know what? I'm sick of this stuff too. From now on, you're no longer welcome at my sausage bar.

Randy: How can so much noise come out of one nose?
Mark: Maybe if we close it.
Randy: No, then the noise would just come out of his mouth.
Brad: Well, what if we close his nose and his mouth?
Randy: I think that's called murder.

Brad: Hey, Dad, here's a perfect picture for the cover of the album, Grandma and Grandpa on their wedding day.
Tim: That's your mother and me.
Randy: Oh, yeah. The church is on fire.

Jill: Isn't this nice? We're bonding.
Tim: Oh, good. I got something that will bond to your ribs. I've been cooking outside your breakfast. Belgian waffles, six different kinds of breakfast meats.
Jill: Thank you, Tim.
Tim: Linda, I know you've been away from animal products for a while, but I think it's time to come home to hot links.
Linda: How do you eat those things?
Tim: I like to wrap mine in bacon. A little Canadian bacon outside. Pig-in-a-blanket wearing a parka. [laughs] Now, don't load up. I got a surprise for you.

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland. [cheering]
Al: Thank you. Well, it's autumn and we all know what that means.
Tim: The days grow shorter and Al grows wider.

Al: Autumn leaves are falling off the trees and that means more work in your yard.
Tim: Yeah. I don't know about you, but when I was a kid, raking leaves, worst job. Every Saturday, my mom: "You get out there and rake leaves. And get your brother out of that bag!" The only fun we had when I was a kid was you'd be able to burn them in big piles. All that smoke and everything.
Al: Ah, but we can't do that anymore, because it's not good for the environment.
Tim: Not at all.
Al: But there are fine tools that can help you clean up leaves more effectively.
Tim: Let's take a look at some of them.
Al: OK. Well, right over here we've got the Binford 6100 hand-held electric blower.
Tim: Now, that's a lot of fun, blowing the leaves in your neighbor's yard. But if he catches you, you still gotta put them in a bag and do something with them.
Al: Well, then what we have here is the 6100 Mulch 'n Vac. This will vacuum your leaves and mulch them at the same time.
Tim: Now, as nice as that machine is, you know what I've always wondered?
Al: Why everybody likes Al?

Tim: I wondered why you can't use the same technology, but instead of sucking them off the ground, suck them off the trees.
Al: Well, as long as you keep wondering, no one will get hurt.
Tim: You'd think by now you'd know me better than that.
Al: You're right. Heidi, bring out whatever ridiculous thing Tim souped up today.
Tim: Bring it out, Heidi.
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. You know, it's amazing what you can build with a Binford blower, an old VW motor and a surplus weather balloon.
Al: Have you tested this?
Tim: This will be the first time, Al. [Tim turns the machine on and it sucks leaves from the tree]
Al: Well, it works. Nobody got hurt. Let's give Tim a big hand. [Tim turns around, pointing the machine at Al, and it sucks his clothing off]

Brad: Wow. Look at all the stuff in the refrigerator.
Randy: Fried chicken, potato salad, three different kinds of pie.
Jill: Eat that and die.
Brad: Why, did you make it?

Tim: I'm sleeping outside so the boys and I stay out of your way while you guys plan this 50th anniversary party for your parents. Your sisters are great.
Jill: Yeah, they are.
Tim: If you like whacked-out, self-absorbed, neurotic women. Which I do!
Jill: Well, they are kind of neurotic. I mean, especially when they argue.
Tim: Robin doesn't argue. She's the fun one.
Jill: Robin's not coming.
Tim: She's also the smart one.