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‘Jill and Her Sisters’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Jill and Her Sisters

608. Jill and Her Sisters

Aired November 12, 1996

Tim and the boys decamp to the back yard when Jill's sisters arrive to plan a party for their parents.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: We're supposed to be planning this very important event in my parents' lives and my sisters bail. I don't know why I'm surprised. I mean, they get to be crazy. I have to be the sensible one.
Wilson: Well, it can be quite a burden.
Jill: Do you have any idea what it's like to have everybody come with their problems, and expect you to solve them?
[Jill looks away as Wilson peeks over his menu]
Wilson: You know, Jill, I realize it isn't easy. A lot of people think it's a picnic for me to stand by the fence and offer up a quotation for every situation. I mean, what am I, a library?

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Quote from Tim

Jill: Stop it. Stop it! You are all insane. And I'm insane for sitting here listening to this. I'm sick of all this fighting. I'm sick of playing referee in this family. And when there is no party for Mom and Dad you can tell them why. [heads upstairs]
Tim: Jill?
Linda: Well, what's wrong with her?
Tracy: Well, I don't know. I mean, she's always so sensible. At least, you'd think she'd try a little harder with family here for God's sake.
Tim: Excuse me. Excuse me. My wife has been up all night worrying because you hens won't stop bickering. Huh? She tries to do something nice for your parents and how do you thank her? You argue about a cat playing a piano and Hank Fahrvegnugen! You know what? I'm sick of this stuff too. From now on, you're no longer welcome at my sausage bar.

Quote from Randy

Randy: How can so much noise come out of one nose?
Mark: Maybe if we close it.
Randy: No, then the noise would just come out of his mouth.
Brad: Well, what if we close his nose and his mouth?
Randy: I think that's called murder.

Quote from Randy

Brad: Hey, Dad, here's a perfect picture for the cover of the album, Grandma and Grandpa on their wedding day.
Tim: That's your mother and me.
Randy: Oh, yeah. The church is on fire.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland. [cheering]
Al: Thank you. Well, it's autumn and we all know what that means.
Tim: The days grow shorter and Al grows wider.

Quote from Al

Al: Autumn leaves are falling off the trees and that means more work in your yard.
Tim: Yeah. I don't know about you, but when I was a kid, raking leaves, worst job. Every Saturday, my mom: "You get out there and rake leaves. And get your brother out of that bag!" The only fun we had when I was a kid was you'd be able to burn them in big piles. All that smoke and everything.
Al: Ah, but we can't do that anymore, because it's not good for the environment.
Tim: Not at all.
Al: But there are fine tools that can help you clean up leaves more effectively.
Tim: Let's take a look at some of them.
Al: OK. Well, right over here we've got the Binford 6100 hand-held electric blower.
Tim: Now, that's a lot of fun, blowing the leaves in your neighbor's yard. But if he catches you, you still gotta put them in a bag and do something with them.
Al: Well, then what we have here is the 6100 Mulch 'n Vac. This will vacuum your leaves and mulch them at the same time.
Tim: Now, as nice as that machine is, you know what I've always wondered?
Al: Why everybody likes Al?

Quote from Tim

Tim: I wondered why you can't use the same technology, but instead of sucking them off the ground, suck them off the trees.
Al: Well, as long as you keep wondering, no one will get hurt.
Tim: You'd think by now you'd know me better than that.
Al: You're right. Heidi, bring out whatever ridiculous thing Tim souped up today.
Tim: Bring it out, Heidi.
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. You know, it's amazing what you can build with a Binford blower, an old VW motor and a surplus weather balloon.
Al: Have you tested this?
Tim: This will be the first time, Al. [Tim turns the machine on and it sucks leaves from the tree]
Al: Well, it works. Nobody got hurt. Let's give Tim a big hand. [Tim turns around, pointing the machine at Al, and it sucks his clothing off]

Quote from Brad

Brad: Wow. Look at all the stuff in the refrigerator.
Randy: Fried chicken, potato salad, three different kinds of pie.
Jill: Eat that and die.
Brad: Why, did you make it?

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'm sleeping outside so the boys and I stay out of your way while you guys plan this 50th anniversary party for your parents. Your sisters are great.
Jill: Yeah, they are.
Tim: If you like whacked-out, self-absorbed, neurotic women. Which I do!
Jill: Well, they are kind of neurotic. I mean, especially when they argue.
Tim: Robin doesn't argue. She's the fun one.
Jill: Robin's not coming.
Tim: She's also the smart one.

Quote from Randy

Tim: What do you guys think?
Brad: Wow. This tent is huge.
Tim: Well, even when you're roughing it you gotta leave room for some of your basic comforts.
Randy: Dad, you got a TV and an Oriental rug in here. You got everything but a bathroom.
Tim: Au contraire. Say hello to the throne away from home. Binford's little camper amigo. Comes fully equipped with a changeable bag.
Randy: I think I'll say hello to real plumbing one last time.

Quote from Tim

Tracy: Where's Tim?
Jill: What is that?
Mark: It's supposed to repel mosquitoes.
Tim: I hope it also repels aunts.
Linda: Come here, you. If you want to keep me away you should have gone with a welding mask.

Quote from Randy

Brad: Wow. That's the biggest piece of meat I've ever seen.
Tim: Yeah? You haven't seen my piece yet. Hold on.
Brad: You're gonna eat that whole thing?
Tim: Yeah.
Randy: We're gonna need a bigger bag for the throne.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Isn't this nice? We're bonding.
Tim: Oh, good. I got something that will bond to your ribs. I've been cooking outside your breakfast. Belgian waffles, six different kinds of breakfast meats.
Jill: Thank you, Tim.
Tim: Linda, I know you've been away from animal products for a while, but I think it's time to come home to hot links.
Linda: How do you eat those things?
Tim: I like to wrap mine in bacon. A little Canadian bacon outside. Pig-in-a-blanket wearing a parka. [laughs] Now, don't load up. I got a surprise for you.

Quote from Tim

Tim: OK, girls. Cajun patties. You'll love them. [southern accent] I guarantee it.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Four different kinds of hot sauce. Say hello to your lower intestines, girls.

Quote from Delores

Delores: Hi, Jill.
Jill: Hi, Delores, how are you?
Delores: Oh, I've been better. Some jerk just left me a four cent tip.
Jill: People can be so rude.
Delores: Well, the joke's on him. His veggie burger was made out of pork.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, hi ho, Jill.
Jill: Hi, Wilson, how are you?
Wilson: Well, I came over here to get away from the flank steak fumes which are permeating my backyard.
Delores: Here you go, Jill. Thank you.
Wilson: Oh, Delores, can I get a cup of your superlative mocha java?
Delores: Mocha java. Mr. Fancy!
Wilson: [chuckles]

Quote from Wilson

Jill: Well, you know, the crazy people have it easy. I mean, they don't care what people think. They lose control, they say whatever pops into their heads.
Wilson: Mmm.
Jill: Yeah. It's us sensible people who suffer.
Wilson: So, we have to learn to fight back.
Jill: How?
Wilson: By doing what you did today.
Jill: What did I do?
Wilson: You lost control. You said the first thing that popped into your head and you didn't care what anybody thought. Congratulations, Jill. You are a nut. [chuckles]
Jill: I am, aren't l?
Wilson: Oh, certifiable.
Jill: Thank you, Wilson.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I feel a lot better. I'm ready to start planning the party. What are you doing?
Mark: Planning the party.
Brad: Yeah, your photo album's almost done.
Randy: And we booked the band.
Tim: I talked to Hank's wife, Faye Pfefferman. She drives the bus, the Pfeffermobile.
Jill: I can't believe it. You guys are so sweet.

Quote from Tim

Linda: Listen, Jill, after you left Tim was kind enough to point out to us that we were behaving like idiots.
Jill: I pointed that out.
Tim: It had a lot more impact coming from a guy snapping a wet towel.

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