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‘Totally Tool Time’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Totally Tool Time

615. Totally Tool Time

Aired January 28, 1997

Tim tries to put on a great show for a couple of Swedes who are interested in buying Tool Time. [Guest star: Drew Carey]

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Wilson, thank you very much for being a guest on today's show.
Wilson: Oh, Tim, it's my pleasure. You know, I have many relatives living in Sweden. They're gonna be so thrilled to see me on TV. Some of them have never seen my face.

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Quote from Tim

Jill: If the show's a big hit in Europe, does that mean we finally get to go there?
Tim: Yeah! We can go to England and visit the Aston Martin factory. Italy, the Ferrari plant. A romantic weekend in Stuttgart at the Porsche factory.
Jill: That's about as romantic as touring a sausage factory.
Tim: We can do that too. On the way home, we'll swing by Poland.

Quote from Brad

Tim: Hey, guys. I got the mail. There's a package from Sweden. You know what that means?
Brad: You won the Nobel Prize again?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Is everyone as excited about today as I am?
Jill: Oh, yeah. I'm going to the dentist to get my teeth scraped.
Randy: Is today when the Swedish guys are coming by Tool Time?
Tim: Ja! And if they like what they see, they're gonna distribute the show throughout Europe. You could be looking at the new international tool sensation.
Brad: Are you sure they're going to understand Tool Time in Europe?
Randy: Yeah, I mean, they barely understand it here.
Tim: Yeah? Let me give you two words to think about: Jerry Lewis.
Jill: Europeans like him 'cause he acts like a complete buffoon.
Mark: We're gonna be rich!

Quote from Tim

Tim: We're supposed to have celebrities guests. The Andrettis. You promised me.
Fred: I know. I'm sorry. I feel awful about this.
Tim: Fred, Fred. Um... um... um... um, isn't Paul Newman in town on a charity thing?
Fred: You know Paul Newman?
Tim: You're supposed to know Paul Newman!
Fred: Sorry. You're right. Don't worry. Listen, I got a lot of great ideas for backup guests. Oh! Hey! You know who would be great? Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Tim: Yes! You know him?
Fred: No, but he'd be great.

Quote from Tim

Al: As Tim said, we have a big show for you today. But we're gonna start off simple by showing you how to build these walnut valets.
Tim: Walnut valets? Is that someone you pay to park your nuts...?

Quote from Al

June: Here's another gadget for the travelin' man. A satellite dish in a suitcase.
Tim: Wow! It's got the little satellite phone over there, satellite dish. You know, Al's mom has a satellite chafing dish.
Al: Well, what else do you have to show us, June?
June: This is a golf club drink dispenser. [laughs]
Al: Oh. Great for bringing along my favorite drink: golf club soda. [laughs, snorts] But be sure you have a designated driver.
Tim: You know, I hate to wedge myself between you two, but, uh, tell us about this little stocking stuffer.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, uh, why don't you tell us a little bit about what you do?
Tim: A very little bit. [laughs]
Sy: Well, I get up about 7 am and drive around and, uh, pick up dead animals with a shovel.
Tim: But at the Department of Animal Control, there must be some neat equipment, a special shovel you use?
Sy: No, no, no. Just a shovel. Found it by the side of the road last year. Before that, I didn't even have a shovel.
Al: What would be a really good day for you on a job like this?
Sy: Well, uh, one time I had an eight-possum Thursday.
Tim: Yeah. Well, you know, how could you beat a day like that, huh?
Sy: Well, I didn't think I could. But then one Tuesday, the good Lord blessed me with 12 raccoons and a skunk.
Tim: We... we were hoping to have Paul Newman on the show today.
Sy: Paul Newman? Cool Hand Luke, man! In that movie he had a great shovel.
Tim: You don't get out a lot, do you, Sy?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi. Welcome back. We've talked about a man's work. Now it's time to talk about a man's workout.
Al: Welcome to the Binford 6100 Man's Gym! All right. Let's start out here at the multi-purpose workout center.
Tim: It's where you get your bi's, tri's and thighs... up to size.
Al: This unit has features you'll only find in the Man's Gym.
Tim: Tired of sitting on a hard bench, you just press "number one." [a recliner appears] It's so cozy, I could snooze right now. [sighing]
Al: Now, you may be wondering if you're gonna take a snooze, how do you exercise?
Tim: Just press "automatic"... ...and the machine does the workout for you.
Al: Now, if the machine's doing all the work, how do you work up a sweat?
Tim: Easy. We got sweat in this one. We got cold beer over here. [drinks] That would be the sweat!

Quote from Tim

Al: All right, who hasn't been in the middle of a workout - when nature comes a-callin'?
Tim: In the Man's Gym... In the Man's Gym, you don't have to drop your workout to drop your drawers. Just row as you go. No need to lift the seat in the Man's Gym, I'll tell you that right now. How about a little refreshment, Al?
Al: Let's go to the bars. The Man's Health Bar.
Tim: Two Man's Gym Specials, Milt. Ah. Here's to your health. Nothing healthier than Swedish vodka.
Al: Unless, of course, it's a Swedish massage.
Tim: How about a little back rub, Milt?
Milton: I don't go for that sort of thing! But Helga does.
Tim: Oh... Oh, I love my job.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, it's time for a different sort of cardiovascular exercise. Uh, by the way, this happens to be the Man's Steam Room.
Man: [o.s.] There's a draft! Close the door!
Al: Well, nothing gets the heart pumping faster than the Man's Exercise Bike.
Tim: In the Man's Gym, we don't use an ordinary exercise bike. We use one of these.
Al: That's right. This can be set to many different levels.
Tim: Beginning rider, expert rider... And if you're tired of pedaling altogether, we got Easy Rider. [engine starts] [crashing]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Got my first Tool Time show dubbed in Swedish. And... our first check.
Jill: Oh.
Randy: Cool! How much did they pay you?
Tim: Well, if it's any of your business, which it's not, it's 1,500 kroners.
Brad: Wow! How much is that in American money?
Jill: $22.83.
Mark: That's it?
Tim: Well, wait until the money starts rolling in from Lapland.

Quote from Randy

Randy: [chuckles] You know, I never understood that joke till I heard it in Swedish.

Quote from Jill

Jill: This is so weird. It doesn't sound anything like you. [man screaming] That sounds like you.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Oh, you guys scoff. This episode will blow those Swedes right out of their Volvos. It's a whole salute to men: men and their hobbies, men's gadgets, a man's gym.
Jill: And what about the European women? What's in it for them?
Tim: Same thing that's in it for the American women.
Jill: Al?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Morning, Fred. Ooh, boy!
Fred: Yeah.
Tim: Are the Swedish guys here?
Fred: Uh, the Swedish guys. I think they'll be here any minute.
Tim: You think? You're the producer of the show, right?
Fred: Uh, yeah! Unless you know something.
Tim: It's 30 degrees out here. Why are you sweating?
Fred: Oh. [stammering] I'm sorry. I'll try to stop.

Quote from Tim

Fred: Tim, your idea for today's show is one of your best. Possibly the best ever. Would it embarrass you if I used the word "genius"?
Tim: Wait a minute. Your contract's up at the end of the month, isn't it?
Fred: This month. Uh, yeah. Can you put in a word for me with Binford?
Tim: I'll put in two words: "kiss up." [Fred laughs]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Al.
Al: Hey, Tim. Fred.
Tim: Excited about the show? It's a big one.
Al: Oh, Al Borland is gonna take Europe by storm!
Tim: Uh... Hey, Al. You might want to remove the toilet paper from your shoe.
Fred: I'll get it. Here, Al. Let me help you.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: I can't wait to surprise my Uncle Nielson Wilson.
Björn: Nielson Wilson? I know him! In Stockholm he's a barrel maker, ja?
Wilson: [speaking Swedish]
Björn: [speaking Swedish]
Tim: Excuse me, guys. Excuse me?
Björn: Hey! Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Tim: Bjorn "The Swede That's Gonna Buy My Show" Larson. Uh, Wayne, Wayne. Come on in for a minute. This is one of the men coming to look at the show. Take him around. Give him anything he wants. Keep him away from my bagels.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Fred, Fred, wait!
Fred: Yeah? What's up, boss?
Tim: Uh, I have not seen the Andrettis yet.
Fred: Uh...
Tim: They're on the show, right?
Fred: Uh, no. They had to cancel because they have the flu.
Tim: How long have you known about this, Fred?
Fred: What's the longest I could know without getting in trouble?

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