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‘Let's Go to the Videotape’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Let's Go to the Videotape

407. Let's Go to the Videotape

Aired November 8, 1994

Tim is caught on video tape making fun of a speech Jill made.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, Jill, the renowned psychiatrist lrvin D. Yalom postulated that men relieve their isolation by bonding over common fears and experiences.
Jill: Oh, please, Yalom was talking about universality as it applies to formal therapy, not a bunch of guys sitting around dumping on their wives.
Wilson: [momentarily speechless] Well, well, well- That's an excellent point. However, knowing Tim, I'm sure it was just an innocent exchange bearing no real malice. [chuckles] As Freud so humorously pointed out, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."
Jill: That is such a crock. As Carl Jung says: "if people can be educated to see the lowly side of their own natures, then they might also understand their fellow man or woman better."
Wilson: With due respect to Jung, I believe it was Bruno Bettelheim...
Jill: Oh, don't Bettelheim me. Tim was talking about me behind my back, and you know what Andrea Dworkin says about that.
Wilson: Well, actually, I don't.
Jill: She says that if women talk about people behind their backs, it's "gossip," but if men do it, it's "male bonding."
Wilson: You know, Jill, ever since you decided to go back to school, you've made things so very, very hard on me.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: Something else I figured out we might do. I'm gonna take you to see those three tenors that you love on PBS. Paparazzi, Manicotti and Flamingo. [imitating opera singer]
Jill: Tim, you just named a photographer, a food and a hotel.
Tim: I don't care what they do, they sing great.
Jill: Well, that would be really nice, because... it's always been my fantasy to be with a man who enjoyed doing the same things I do. You know, like taking me to the opera, the ballet, the theater.
Tim: That's my fantasy too.
Jill: Really?
Tim: Mm-hm. If I could find that man, I wouldn't have to go myself.

Quote from Harry

Harry: How's it going?
Tim: Well, I'm numb. I just spent three of the most boring hours of my life at the library.
Eddie: Three hours?
Harry: You know, I think if you put together all the time I've ever spent in a library, it wouldn't come out to be three hours.
Tim: God, who would have guessed?

Quote from Tim

Harry: I tell you what kills me - is when my wife wants to talk about our "relationship."
Tim: Like you have one. No, wait. I got a better one. My wife's studying psychology right now. Boy, is she boring when she yammers on about these terms - neurotic, psychotic, halitosis, neurosis, cirrhosis, I don't know. Dysfunction, dat function, your function.
Harry: My wife is much more boring.
Eddie: No one is as boring as my wife.
Tim: When my wife talks psychology, she is the big bopper of boredom. So I got this great strategy, right. This is cool. I just pretend like I'm listening and fade her out and just go, "Whuh-huh."
Al: You guys, I'm telling you, maybe it's 'cause I'm new to my relationship, but I like talking to Ilene.
Tim, Harry & Eddie: Whuh-huh, whuh-huh, whuh-huh.
Al: It's true. I find everything she says fascinating and illuminating.
Tim, Harry & Eddie: Whuh-huh, whuh-huh, whuh-huh.
Tim: Al, that's 'cause in your relationship, you are the boring one.

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right, it's Rock-'n'-Roll day on Tool Time, with those rocking tool men, Tim Taylor and Al Borland. Whoo! [dances]
Tim: Heidi. Heidi. Heidi! [Heidi finally walks off]

Quote from Tim

Al: All right, well, if you remember, I told you that we've already bent our wood. Now we're ready to make the legs and posts of our chair, using the Binford 6100 variable-speed wood lathe.
Tim: That's right. Now, we first use a rough gouge to take off the square edges. Then Al will use the half-inch round nose to start shaping our piece. Marv, bring the camera and let's take a look at this thing.
Al: There are various types of patterns to shape your legs. Or you can do it freehand. It's a very difficult skill to master. You might wanna practice on a spare piece of wood.
Tim: That's right. That's good advice. I'll give you more good advice. Always think safety when working with a spinning lathe. You'll notice I didn't wear a necktie. We get a lot of letters about this. You want nothing hanging down and no loose clothing. The possibility... [Tim's shirt is ripped off after getting caught in the lathe] Let me finish. Sometimes... if you get too close to a lathe, you can lose an article of clothing. Is it a little chilly in here?

Quote from Mark

Mark: Guess what I have.
Randy: Rabies.
Mark: No. This videotape. I heard Mom and Dad arguing about it last night, so then I came down and got the tape.
Randy: Hey, that was pretty sneaky.
Brad: You know, Mark, if you keep this up, you might actually turn into a person.
Mark: Thanks. I really wanna be a person.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know how men talk. You and your girlfriends do the same thing.
Jill: That is not true. I have never once said anything behind your back that I haven't said to your face.
Tim: That just proves I'm more sensitive than you.
Jill: Oh, how does it prove that?
Tim: If I have something to say about you, I have the courtesy to take it to a hardware store and say it in front of strangers.
Jill: That's insane.
Tim: It was a conversation you should've never heard.
Jill: It was a conversation that you never should have had.
Tim: It was a conversation you shouldn't have seen.
Jill: This conversation is over.
Tim: Well, that's good because I'm sick of saying the word "conversation."

Quote from Randy

Brad: Mom saw this and Dad's still alive?
Randy: Yeah, well, the night is still young.
Tim: [enters] Hey, shut that off. You guys shouldn't be watching that.
Brad: Why not?
Tim: Why? Because it's private adult stuff. You wouldn't understand.
Randy: You're making fun of Mom. What's so hard to understand?
Tim: I'm not making fun of Mom. I'm making fun of my wife.
Randy: Dad, I don't know if you realize this, but they're the same person.

Quote from Mark

Tim: It's a joke. it's a little joke. She knows it. End of story, OK?
Mark: Well, why isn't she talking to you?
Tim: You know, you're starting to act a lot like Brad and Randy here.
Mark: Thanks.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, I need this book.
Tim: In a minute. I'm reading something here about my souped-up ego.
Jill: That's "superego." Why are you reading my book?
Tim: I wanna find out why this is so interesting to you.
Jill: Because you want to or because you feel guilty?
Tim: According to chapter two, a little of both.
Jill: You read two chapters?
Tim: Yes. And the chapter on animal sexuality's quite interesting.
Jill: You really think so?
Tim: Yeah. I'm not saying a few pictures wouldn't help the process.
Jill: Well, if you think that's interesting, wait till the chapter on aberrant female sexuality.
Tim: Read it. Actually started with that chapter first.

Quote from Jill

Harry: [on tape] T-Tool Man. you have shown me the way! Because of you, [looks down] I now realize how much I love talking to my wife about her needs.
Jill: That is realistic dialogue.
Eddie: [on tape] Tool Man, you are the greatest. [looks down] You have shown me the love that I have for my mife. Your W's look like M's, that's why I said "mife"
Jill: Your W's do look like M's.
Tim: [on tape] Well, it's good we got in touch with our true feelings because I certainly didn't mean to hurt my wife, and I hope that she knows that.
Jill: Yeah, yeah, she knows that. [stilted] Tool Man, you are the greatest. I am so happy to be your mife.

Quote from Tim

Jill: What happened that ice cream scooper that I bought you?
Brad: It didn't work right. Dad's trying to fix it.
Tim: Dad did fix it.
Jill: Oh, great.
Tim: I took the 35-watt element out and replaced it with one out of an electric curling iron.
Jill: Tim, we don't have time for this. We have to go.
Tim: Now you not only melt the ice cream, you can style at the same time. Just flip her on. Watch this baby go right through this stuff. Look at that. Hey. Milkshake, anybody?

Quote from Al

Eddie: Whoa, Al. Cut me in for half and I won't tell Harry.
Al: [snorts] I'm not robbing the store. Haven't you heard? I'm part owner.
Harry: Yeah. A very small part. You see that corner over there? That's what you own. Eddie, how you doing?
Eddie: I'm fine, Harry. How are you?
Al: You know, it's great that we feel comfortable enough to joke with each other. Right, froggy voice?
Harry: Right, Al.
Al: [growly] Right, Harry.

Quote from Al

Tim: Hi. Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Cool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant, the King, Al-vis.
Al: [as Elvis] Thank you. Thank you very much. Today, we're gonna have a rocking good time, because we're gonna be building ourselves a rocking chair.
Tim: This is the last theme show we're gonna do.
Al: Thank you. Thank you very much. A rocking...

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