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‘Ye Olde Shoppe Teacher’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Ye Olde Shoppe Teacher

410. Ye Olde Shoppe Teacher

Aired November 29, 1994

After Tim catches up with his old shop teacher, Mr. Leonard (Dick O'Neill), he invites him to be a guest on Tool Time.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I broke the cardinal rule with men. I offered help to a man that didn't want any.
Jill: Well, it looked like he needed it.
Tim: That didn't matter. By offering him help, it made him feel like less of a man.
Jill: Now, wait a minute. Are you trying to tell me that if you saw a guy trapped underneath a boulder and he didn't ask for your help, you wouldn't move the boulder? [Tim shakes his head] That is insane.
Tim: If I moved the boulder the guy would feel like half a man.
Jill: If you didn't move the boulder the guy would be half a man.
Tim: But that half would thank me.
Jill: And men say that women are illogical and irrational?
Tim: They are, but what does that have to do with this?

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Quote from Tim

Jill: It is so great to see a mentor and a student reunited again. I used to have an English teacher that affected me the way you did Tim. Um, Mrs. Holloway. She introduced me to Shakespeare. Gosh, I loved Macbeth I used to walk around going, "Out, damned spot! Out, I say!"
Tim: Well, enough of your laundry stories.

Quote from Tim

Mr. Leonard: I swear to you, it's the truth. I mean, your father is a genuine original. I got another one for you. Even I can't explain this one. He is gluing a table together one time. Somehow a piece of the table gets stuck to his head.
Tim: There's a mistake I didn't let happen again.
Mark: Dad, didn't you do that...?
Tim: Here, have a cookie, will you, pal?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Remember first year, we did that tool box? You could show everybody how you can still make one of those quick as a wink.
Mr. Leonard: Oh, Timmy, I don't know about quick as a wink with this arthritis.
Tim: You can do it. I'm sure you can do it. It will be great. You can show a whole generation of men how to do stuff with their hands. [grunts]
Mr. Leonard: What was that?
Tim: You never heard the grunt. I figured that out in college.
Mr. Leonard: You got into college?!

Quote from Al

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time.
Al: We have a very special guest today - Tim's old shop teacher.
Tim: That's right. The man that taught me everything I know about tools.
Al: And despite that, we're still happy to have him here.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: If a boulder fell on you, would you ask me for help?
Wilson: Well, that depends. Are you the reason the boulder fell on me?
Tim: That doesn't matter.
Wilson: Well, it does to me. I'm the one under the boulder.
Tim: All right, let's say it's my fault. Wouldn't you be too proud to ask for my help?
Wilson: Why would I be too proud?
Tim: 'Cause you're... 'cause you're a man.
Wilson: Well, I guess that would depend on what part of me was crushed by the boulder.Tim, are you speaking metaphorically?
Tim: No, I'm just making a comparison.

Quote from Benny

Mr. Leonard: And you are, uh...?
Benny: Benny Baroni.
Mr. Leonard: The reason I almost quit teaching.
Benny: You remember. Hey. What happened to the hand-crusher?
Mr. Leonard: Uh, I'm afraid I got a little arthritis in there... Hey, don't you owe me a birdhouse?
Benny: I had a lot of extra homework. Uh, I'll have it for you Tuesday.
Al: You know, Mr. Leonard, I actually won a prize with my birdhouse.
Mr. Leonard: Good. [walks away]
Benny: [to Al] Here's $20. Make me a birdhouse by Tuesday?

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: "Gestalt" is a psychological term meaning that the whole is more than the sum of the parts. I mean, take you for an example. You're a lot more than just Tim The Tool Man.
Tim: Yeah, but you know for guys what we do is who we are.
Wilson: Well, unfortunately, sometimes society pressures men to define themselves in terms of their work.
Tim: I don't feel any pressure. I like being Tim The Tool Man.
Wilson: Yeah. What happens when someday you're no longer able to be Tim The Tool Man?
Tim: [whimpers] Ho-ho-ho? Oh, man, that'd be horrible. I'd feel useless. I wouldn't be myself.
Wilson: Tim, you are also a great husband. You're a great father. You're a great neighbor. I think you might find your true happiness lies in being Tim the man.
Tim: That's a good point. I like that one. Would you mind driving down to Toledo and telling my old shop teacher that?
Wilson: Well, I think it would have more meaning coming from you, Tim, even though I enjoy Toledo. They say it used to be the glass capital of the world.
Tim: Well, if I'm going I'd better get my glass in gear.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Let's say you couldn't use your hands real well anymore and I tried to help you out. It'd make you feel like you had no dignity left.
Wilson: "Boulderdash."
Tim: Well, it would if you were a tool man like my old shop teacher and me. We lose our hands, we lose everything.
Wilson: Tim, there's a lot more to a man than his hands. You have to look at his gestalt.
Tim: That's a good way to get a black eye in a locker room.

Quote from Al

Tim: Ladies and gentlemen, a big Tool Time welcome for the original "Tool Man" himself, my old shop teacher Mr. Art Leonard. Come on out here! Good to have you here, Art.
Mr. Leonard: Oh, it's great to be here. Thank you, Timmy.
Al: Mr. Leonard, it's nice to meet someone who knows the trials and tribulations of working with Tim.
Tim: Al. All right, let's...
Al: You know, we could start our own Twelve Step program. Adult survivors of Tim Taylor.
Tim: I got a program. How about Al-Be-Gone? Adults who fire Al.
Mr. Leonard: Boys, do we really have to review shop rules?
Both: Sorry, Mr. Leonard.

Quote from Randy

Tim: You retired. How's that going?
Mr. Leonard: It stinks. I hate it. The only good thing about it is the set of golf clubs they gave me.
Tim: I never pictured you as much of a golfer.
Mr. Leonard: I'm not. I melted them down and made a lamp.
Tim: I melt down gifts all the time.
Randy: And not always on purpose.
Tim: Randy.
Randy: Sir?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Look at this. I was going through... I found some stuff I made in my old shop class. Huh? First year assignment, a tool box.
Jill: That's good for carrying around lopsided tools.
Tim: That's real funny, honey. I got this stuff out because I talked to my old shop teacher today.
Jill: Oh, Mr...?
Tim: Leonard.
Jill: Leonard, right. The man who first recognized your unnatural need for more power.
Tim: That was Fire Chief O'Malley.

Quote from Tim

Jill: When was the last time you saw Mr. Leonard?
Tim: Uh... Gotta be 20 years ago. He's in town seeing his niece. He saw me on Tool Time.
Jill: Well, you know what, I would really like to meet him. Why don't you invite him over?
Tim: Did it. He's coming to dinner tomorrow night. And you'll make his favorite - corned beef and cabbage.
Jill: What will I be wearing, Your Toolness?
Tim: I'm hoping for something in a wood or a metal.
Jill: I'll go with that aluminum Miracle bra.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You're going to love this guy. Just watching him spot-weld would bring tears to your eyes.
Jill: Yeah. Spot-welding does bring up so many emotions.
Tim: This is the guy who encouraged me to make this.
Jill: What is that?
Tim: It's a toilet paper dispenser.
Jill: I would like to see the toilet that that goes with.
Tim: This isn't an indoor dispenser like the other kids made. This is for TPing the great outdoors.

Quote from Jill

Tim: My lovely wife, Jill.
Mr. Leonard: Ah.
Tim: Works a good lathe, but not much of a welder.
Jill: But I'm great with a fire extinguisher.
Mr. Leonard: [laughs] And you're not bad with a put-down either.

Quote from Tim

Mr. Leonard: Nice to meet you, Jill.
Jill: Oh, it is so nice to meet you. Tim has been talking about you for so long. You know, I think he even mentioned you on our honeymoon.
Mr. Leonard: Did you, now?
Jill: Mm.
Tim: What I said was, if Mr. Leonard had built the bed it wouldn't have collapsed.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Mr. Leonard. Dad says you're the greatest shop teacher of all time.
Mr. Leonard: You can stop kissing up. I passed you.
Tim: All right. Anything to drink?
Mr. Leonard: Anything cold.
Jill: Would you like to sit down, Mr. Leonard?
Mr. Leonard: Well, only if you call me Art.
Tim: There you go, Art.
Mr. Leonard: You can still call me Mr. Leonard.

Quote from Tim

Tim: How'd you like Tool Time?
Mr. Leonard: Oh, I loved it, Timmy. I loved it. You'll never know how shocked I was when I turned on the tube and there was your ugly kisser.
Tim: You're surprised I had my own TV show, right?
Mr. Leonard: No, I'm surprised you're still alive. [Tim laughs] I'm telling you, boys, he gave us a lot of scares.
Mark: You too?

Quote from Brad

Jill: Oh, Brad, don't forget to practice your saxophone.
Brad: Mom, why do I have to practice so much?
Tim: Because she said so.
Mr. Leonard: And because practice makes perfect. You ever heard of Charlie Parker?
Tim: The guy who played Davy Crockett.
Mr. Leonard: That was Fess Parker. Charlie Parker was one of the greatest saxophonists ever.
Brad: Oh, yeah, my teacher played a record of his. He's really great.
Mr. Leonard: That's right. And before he started practicing 16 hours a day, he used to sound like a foghorn. Ships used to dock at his front door. Now, get up there and toot your horn.
Brad: All right. Gotcha, Mr. Leonard.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Mr. Leonard, it's great to see you.
Mr. Leonard: Oh, Timmy, it's wonderful. It brings back such memories. [laughs] Do you remember your first semester, the thing with the acetylene torch?
Tim: Yeah. I burned a little hole in the principal's office wall.
Mr. Leonard: Uh-huh. You remember his reaction? He was fuming.
Tim: Literally.
Mr. Leonard: Oh, yeah. He wanted me to take you out of shop class permanently.
Tim: The principal wanted me out of shop class? And the school board and the PTA. I think I even got a call from the mayor. And I told them all, "Thank you. Go stick it in your ear."
Jill: Why did you stick up for Tim like that?
Mr. Leonard: Because I had never seen a kid with so much enthusiasm before. When I could get you to calm down and stop trying to set the principal on fire, you showed some real talent. And that's why I told them to shove it. Because I knew you were gonna be great, and I was right.

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