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Home Improvement: What About Bob?

117. What About Bob?

Aired February 11, 1992

Tim puts his home improvement knowledge to the test when Bob Vila is a guest on Tool Time. Meanwhile, Randy gets in trouble after picking on an annoying kid at school.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Tim, Tim, Tim. The first step for greatness is humbling yourself. [Tim grunts] Maybe you shouldn't try to have all the answers, and instead ask more questions. You see, Tim, a truly wise man always has more questions than answers.
Tim: So... would that make me wiser than you, Wilson?
Wilson: Well, what do you think, Tim?

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Quote from Al

Tim: Connect away, Bob.
Al: Tim, are you sure you turned off the electricity?
Tim: That goes without saying, Al.
Al: Well, now that we've said it, have you done it?
Bob Vila: Tim, it's your show. I think you should install the switch.
Tim: Oh, you're the guest. Go on, go on.
Bob Vila: Al, would you do this? Please.
Al: I don't think so, Bob.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Curtis, this is Randy's dad, Mr. Taylor.
Tim: Hi, Curtis. How are you?
Curtis: My father and I watch Tool Time.
Tim: Good.
Curtis: We really like Al.
Tim: We all like Al. [quietly to Jill] He is a geek.

Quote from Tim

Bob Vila: And to make sure they line up, it's a good idea to use a dowelling jig. 'cause remember, a job worth doing is a job worth doing right.
Tim: Goes without saying, doesn't it, Bob? Still waiting for that female caller. Still waiting for that female caller.
Jill: [on the phone] Hello?
Tim: Hello. What's your name?
Jill: This is Jill... ene. Jillene. [Al looks away in disgust]
Tim: Hello, Jill... Jillene. What's your question?
Jill: Well, it's kind of a hard one.
Tim: Well, I think one of us will be able to answer it.
Jill: Okay. Um, can you tell me the name of a medieval wood-shaping tool?
Tim: Ooh, that's hard. Um... Maybe you'd like to handle this one, Bob.
Bob Vila: I'd love to. I think Jillene's probably thinking about something called an adze.
Tim: Nice try. Bob, but the tool you're... How the hell did you know that?

Quote from Tim

Bob Vila: So, are you planning on using a doubled-up two-by-eight?
Tim: No, I'm not, Bob. I'm thinking about using that beefy boy over there. A four-by-eight big piece of American Doug fir.
Bob Vila: Doug fir. Hm. Okay. And, folks, it's a good idea to use your framing square at this point in the job. 'cause you want to make sure this header goes in there nice and level.
Al: Excellent point, Mr. Vila.
Bob Vila: Yeah, there's nothing worse than trying to hang a door in an opening that isn't true.
Al: How true, how true.
Tim: Al, I was gonna get to that.
[As Tim turns around with the wood on his shoulder, the board strikes Bob Vila on the head and knocks him to the ground]
Al: Tim?
Tim: We'll be right back after these messages from Binford. Cut! Cut!

Quote from Tim

Jill: Are you afraid big, bad Bob is gonna make you look foolish?
Tim: Better men than him have made me look foolish. That didn't sound right, did it?

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: I can see how a guy like that might intimidate you, though. He knows an awful lot about tools.
Tim: That's just it. Why would he intimidate me? Why does everybody think he knows more about tools than I do?
Wilson: Well, does he, Tim?
Tim: Yeah.
Wilson: Mm-hm.
Tim: He even knew what an adze was without cheating.
Wilson: Hmm. Yes, the old medieval wood-shaping tool.

Quote from Tim

Al: It's just she and I are both big Bob Vila fans. You know, he's in town signing his new book.
Tim: Isn't that wonderful! Let's get my shoe out of the bucket, please.
Al: Well, I can't believe it. I actually got to talk to the pioneer in home repair.
Tim: The pioneer?
Al: Without Bob Vila, there would be no Tool Time. He paved the way.
Tim: Listen, Al. Any paving done on Tool Time's done by me, the big asphalt.

Quote from Jill

Tim: "Stump the Tool Man". Ask me a hard one.
Jill: Okay. You're attaching two-by-fours to a concrete foundation. What tool do you use?
Tim: Piece of cake. Electropneumatic rotary hammer drill. Low vibration, variable speeds. Yes! Come on, another one, hard one.
Jill: Come on, Tim. Give it a rest. There's no way you are ever gonna know all the stuff in these books.
Tim: Honey, Bob Vila knows everything in those books.
Jill: That's because he wrote most of them.

Quote from Mark

Randy: That must be Curtis. Randy!
Brad: Come on, Mark. Let's get out of here.
Mark: I want to meet him.
Brad: No, you don't. He's a bigger geek than you are.
Mark: Wow!

Quote from Al

Bob Vila: What a great audience. A just wonderful audience. Thank you. It's just so great to be here on your show, Jim.
Tim: It's Tim. I'd like you to meet my assistant.
Bob Vila: Oh, Al and I've met. How you doing? Good to see you again.
Al: The pleasure is mine, Mr. Vila.
Bob Vila: Call me Bob.
Al: I can't.

Quote from Al

Tim: Anyway, the best way to fix a nail hole would be use joint compound. Get a putty knife...
Bob Vila: Uh, I really think spackle would be a better idea.
Al: I agree with Mr. Vila.
Tim: I'm sure you do, Al.
Bob Vila: Clarence, you want to use the spackle with that putty knife and very carefully fill in all those little holes. Then sand them smooth and touch them up with paint. The walls will be like new.
Al: Well, I believe this round goes to Mr. Vila.
Tim: We're not keeping score, Al.
Al: I am.

Quote from Al

Chet: [on the phone] Well, I was wondering... I'm remodeling my house. And I would like to know what was the name of that wood that you used on the ceiling of that old cracker house in Naples, Florida?
Tim: What?
Bob Vila: The house we had on the show. Yeah, that was pecky cypress.
Chet: Thanks, Bob.
Al: I believe that's two points for Mr. Vila.
Tim: Well, how am I supposed to know that?
Al: Perhaps if you watched Mr. Vila's show...

Quote from Jill

Randy: What's going on?
Jill: Bob Vila agreed to be on the show tomorrow.
Curtis: Why? Does he want to get hit in the head again?
Jill: No, Curtis.
Curtis: Don't you think you're cooking the carrots too long?
Jill: No, I don't, Curtis.
Curtis: I don't like them when they're soggy.
Jill: They're not going to get soggy, Curtis.
Curtis: We should have a green vegetable with those. Zucchini would be nice.
Jill: You know what would really be nice, Curtis? If you would just shut the...
Randy: Say it, Mom.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Bad day today, Tim?
Tim: The worst. I yell at Jill, I insult Al, and I knocked a guest out on my show with a four-by-eight.
Wilson: Hmm-mm-mm. That is a bad day.
Tim: Well...
Wilson: Who was your guest, by the way?
Tim: You wouldn't know him. He's the pioneer of home repair.
Wilson: Oh, you mean Bob Vila!
Tim: You know him?
Wilson: Oh, everybody knows Bob.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Okay, honey. Ask me another one.
Jill: All right. One more, and that is all. What is an adze? A-d-z-e.
Tim: That's a tool?
Jill: Yeah, it's right here. "Adze: a medieval wood-shaping tool."
Tim: Oh, get real. What are the chances somebody will call and ask about that?
Jill: Might be good, if I'm the one calling.
Tim: Hey, hey, hey... Pretty sly.
Jill: What are the chances Bob Vila's gonna know that?

Quote from Jill

Curtis: May I please have something to drink?
Jill: Yeah, Randy, would you get your guest a soda?
Curtis: Mrs. Taylor, you look a lot older than my mom. How old are you?
Jill: Old enough not to answer that question.
Curtis: That's what my grandma says.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi, Clarence. What's your problem?
Clarence: [on the phone] My wife is always changing her mind where pictures should be hung.
Tim: Hey, we can't help with that. Women can never make up their minds, can they?
Clarence: Tell me about it. Our walls are so full of holes, they're starting to look like Swiss cheese. Got any ideas?
Tim: Oh, yeah, I'd slap some ham on that wall and have a sandwich. [laughs] Uh... you know, the cheese and...

Quote from Tim

Chet: [on the phone] Tim, I try to catch your show whenever I can.
Tim: Thank you, Chet, I appreciate that.
Chet: And, Bob, I never miss yours.
Bob Vila: Hey, thanks a lot.
Chet: Yeah, I'm looking forward to your new book.
Tim: Quit the chitchat, Chet, and let's get with that question.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Are you OK?
Tim: Yeah, I just hope I don't hear the name Bob Vila again.
Jill: Well, Mr. Binford called.
Tim: God. What now?
Jill: Somebody has agreed to come back and be on the show. I'm not saying who, but it was someone you hit with a board.
Tim: Bob Vila?
Jill: Is there somebody else?
Tim: No, Jill. I'm cutting back. I'm just knocking out one guy a week now.

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