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‘Quest for Fire’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Quest for Fire

701. Quest for Fire

Aired September 23, 1997

When the Taylors head up to the lake for a vacation, Tim wants to make big life changes. Meanwhile, Brad is depressed after Angela dumped him.

Quote from Tim

Jill: It is so beautiful here. It would be nice to live here someday.
Tim: Lou at the bait shop's counting on you.
Jill: Did you really go around looking for crazy people?
Tim: I don't have to. They find me.

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Quote from Wilson

Wilson: See, Byron noted that men of Tim's life experience suddenly go through difficult times and they respond in strange ways. Byron said, "Of all the barbarous middle ages, that which is most barbarous is the middle age of man".
Jill: So, you're saying that Tim's having a mid-life crisis?
Wilson: Well, I'm not sure about that. I do know he is at an age where he has to come to grips with his own mortality.
Jill: I don't know, Wilson. It's not like Tim's wearing gold chains and has a blonde on each arm. Yet.
Wilson: Well, the truth is that every man struggles with middle age in his own unique way.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, you may be wondering how Tim's going to beat that three second record.
Tim: Well, I'm not wondering. I got a hold of some of my buddies down at NASA. They gave me their secret. Rocket fuel! Rocket fuel's made with LOX, but this don't go on no bagel, baby. This is liquid oxygen with a skosche of hydrogen, and for fun, a little soupcon of cilantro for flavor.
Al: We're trained professionals. Please do not try this at home.
Tim: Ah, there you go. Heidi, my fire-starting device, please.
Heidi: There you go, Tim.
Tim: Very high-tech. It's a stick. [lights the barbecue]
Al: Two-point-six seconds. A new world record!
Heidi: Tim, it's a little out of control.
Tim: Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Don't panic.
Al: Stay away from the barbecue!
Tim: [puts the lid on] It's OK, all right? It's fine. It's done.
[After flames shoot out of the bottom of the barbecue, it lifts off]

Quote from Jill

Jill: OK. I'm all packed. How was the Tool Time?
Randy: Amazing. Dad just launched a barbecue into space.
Mark: Dad has been acting weird lately. Even for him.
Jill: You're telling me. He woke me up in the middle of the night last night to talk about existentialism, vis-a-vis Tool Time.
Randy: Dad actually used the term vis-a-vis?
Jill: Oh, yeah. Then he had this great revelation coming out of the bathroom. "If a man flushes the toilet and no one's around to notice it, did it really flush?"

Quote from Jill

Jill: What is the deal with him? He's all over the place lately.
Wilson: Yeah. You know, Tim reminds me of the poet, Lord Byron.
Jill: Byron?
Wilson: Mm-hmm.
Jill: Nah. The only poem Tim knows starts with, "Hickory, dickory dock".

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Welcome to a brand new season. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!
Tim: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Heidi. Welcome to a new season. I think, therefore I am, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Of course, you all know my assistant. He eats, therefore he is, Al Borland.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, we have a sizzling hot show for you today. So, let's get cooking. It's barbecue week here on Tool Time. [fanfare playing] Well, barbecuing goes back to primitive times when cavemen rubbed two sticks together to cook their carcass du jour.
Tim: Nothing like an all-you-can-eat brontosaurus buffet. But stay clear of that pudding. Plonko!
Al: But nowadays, you can cook your meat on this three dollar portable unit, or cook like a king with this $35,000 gas cooking unit.
Tim: Built-in dishwasher, disposal, CD player. And, in a pinch, an automatic hibachi cook. But for purists there's nothing like charcoal.
Al: They think the true measure of a man is how fast he can light his coals.
Tim: Yeah, yeah. Of course, a woman thinks it's how long a man can keep his coals lit.
Al: Well, there's a gentleman in Indiana who used liquid oxygen. Got his charcoal ready in three seconds.
Tim: Yeah, but there's a very handsome guy here in Detroit who says he can beat that record.

Quote from Mark

Randy: I wish we were going up there tonight. Lauren and her family are already at the lake.
Jill: Did you talk to her?
Randy: Yeah. She says the weather's perfect, the water's nice. The only thing missing is moi. That's French for "me".
Mark: What's French for "barf"?

Quote from Randy

Jill: Mark, did you remember to pack your bathing suit?
Mark: Yeah, let me check.
Jill: What is the deal with you wearing nothing but black clothes lately?
Mark: I like black.
Randy: He's trying to create an image for himself: bleak and desperate. It's working.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What a great day, huh? I did some soul-searching. I got a brand-new power soaker. And my barbeque grill was spotted over Roswell, New Mexico. Life is good.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Now, Tim, just think about this for a second. If we guess the surprise we will be depriving you of the thrill of surprising us, and you'll be depriving us of the joy of experiencing your surprise.
Tim: Profound, but not profound enough, vis-a-vis the quid pro quo.
All: "Quid pro quo?"

Quote from Brad

Randy: I'm going over to see Lauren.
Jill: No. I want you all unpacked before anyone goes anywhere.
Tim: And no one's gonna fight over the good bed.
Brad: What does it matter? I'm gonna cry into my pillow no matter where I sleep.
Tim: That's the spirit.

Quote from Randy

Lauren: I love being with you on the lake.
Randy: I love being with you anywhere.
[Mark makes a gagging gesture]
Diane: You're really different from your brothers. You're so...
Mark: Dark?
Diane: Yeah. I like dark.
Randy: How do you feel about "dork"?

Quote from Brad

Brad: You know, Jenny, I'm not just interested in looks. A girl's gotta have a personality. That's why Angela was so perfect.
Jenny: That's nice to hear. Again.
Brad: I'm sorry. I'll stop talking about her. And I don't know what's so great about Angela, anyway.
Jenny: As I recall, she was the blonde goddess who cleaned your room and worshiped the ground you walked on.
Brad: You're right. She was awesome.

Quote from Randy

Mark: We're really gonna move up here?
Tim: Yeah. Re-do the lodge, fix up the cabins. By this time next year, we'll be living up here. It'll be a whole new start for us.
Randy: Dad, I'm 15 years old. I haven't even finished up my old start.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I know what you're thinking. This is gonna be rough on the boys. You and I can get them over the hump.
Jill: Honey. Did it ever occur to you that we have this little thing back in Detroit called a life?
Tim: Yeah, that's moving too fast, you said it. The boys are way too competitive. Too much peer pressure.
Jill: I don't want to leave it all behind. What about my psychology degree? I'm supposed to get my Masters this year.
Tim: That's why we don't move till next year. I've done all the legwork, honey. There's plenty of nutcases up here you can shrink. Louie at the bait shop. Flonko.
Jill: What about Tool Time?
Tim: It's time for a change. You know, it'll be the best year ever. Then I'll just hand my tool belt down to Al. I'll have to add a few more notches.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: So, where is your splendiferous spouse?
Jill: I don't know where he is. Lately, I don't know who he is. Yesterday when we got up here, he announced that he wants us all to move here.
Wilson: Now that you mention it, he has been acting a bit odd lately. He told me the other he was considering becoming a part-time physicist.
Jill: Tim?
Wilson: Mm-hmm. Said he wants to contemplate the origins of the universe. Tuesdays, Thursdays and every other Friday.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I just know that there's a lot of things I want to do. If I don't start doing them now I'll never get them done.
Jill: You know, Tim, sometimes when a guy gets to be your age, he goes through this, um... mid-life crisis.
Tim: Stop. I'm not going through a mid-life crisis. If I was, I'd be driving a Porsche with a blonde named Chrissie. Which doesn't sound like a half-bad idea.
Jill: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you don't have to date Chrissie to go through this. There are other symptoms.
Tim: Like what?
Jill: Like wanting to give up Tool Time to become a physicist.
Tim: That's only part-time. You see how the boys are growing. You've got a new job. I'm just left in the dust, using foreign phrases ad nauseum.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Life sucks.
Jill: What's wrong?
Brad: Angela broke up with me.
Tim: I thought she was crazy about you.
Brad: She was. Now she's crazy about some guy with a brand-new Firebird.
Jill: Oh, Brad.
Tim: With a V-8?

Quote from Tim

Brad: Mom, I can't go on this trip. I'm too bummed out.
Tim: Come on, son. It'll do you no good to sit around here and mope.
Jill: Well, your dad's right.
Tim: Come up to the lake and mope. You'll have no time to mope. None of you guys will. Because I have a great, big surprise for all of you when we get up there. Guess what it is.
Brad: Seeing Angela up there is the only surprise that'll make me happy.
Tim: OK, hint number one. This surprise won't make Brad happy.

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