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‘Quest for Fire’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: Quest for Fire

701. Quest for Fire

Aired September 23, 1997

When the Taylors head up to the lake for a vacation, Tim wants to make big life changes. Meanwhile, Brad is depressed after Angela dumped him.

Quote from Tim

Jill: It is so beautiful here. It would be nice to live here someday.
Tim: Lou at the bait shop's counting on you.
Jill: Did you really go around looking for crazy people?
Tim: I don't have to. They find me.

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Quote from Wilson

Wilson: See, Byron noted that men of Tim's life experience suddenly go through difficult times and they respond in strange ways. Byron said, "Of all the barbarous middle ages, that which is most barbarous is the middle age of man".
Jill: So, you're saying that Tim's having a mid-life crisis?
Wilson: Well, I'm not sure about that. I do know he is at an age where he has to come to grips with his own mortality.
Jill: I don't know, Wilson. It's not like Tim's wearing gold chains and has a blonde on each arm. Yet.
Wilson: Well, the truth is that every man struggles with middle age in his own unique way.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, you may be wondering how Tim's going to beat that three second record.
Tim: Well, I'm not wondering. I got a hold of some of my buddies down at NASA. They gave me their secret. Rocket fuel! Rocket fuel's made with LOX, but this don't go on no bagel, baby. This is liquid oxygen with a skosche of hydrogen, and for fun, a little soupcon of cilantro for flavor.
Al: We're trained professionals. Please do not try this at home.
Tim: Ah, there you go. Heidi, my fire-starting device, please.
Heidi: There you go, Tim.
Tim: Very high-tech. It's a stick. [lights the barbecue]
Al: Two-point-six seconds. A new world record!
Heidi: Tim, it's a little out of control.
Tim: Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Don't panic.
Al: Stay away from the barbecue!
Tim: [puts the lid on] It's OK, all right? It's fine. It's done.
[After flames shoot out of the bottom of the barbecue, it lifts off]

Quote from Jill

Jill: OK. I'm all packed. How was the Tool Time?
Randy: Amazing. Dad just launched a barbecue into space.
Mark: Dad has been acting weird lately. Even for him.
Jill: You're telling me. He woke me up in the middle of the night last night to talk about existentialism, vis-a-vis Tool Time.
Randy: Dad actually used the term vis-a-vis?
Jill: Oh, yeah. Then he had this great revelation coming out of the bathroom. "If a man flushes the toilet and no one's around to notice it, did it really flush?"

Quote from Jill

Jill: What is the deal with him? He's all over the place lately.
Wilson: Yeah. You know, Tim reminds me of the poet, Lord Byron.
Jill: Byron?
Wilson: Mm-hmm.
Jill: Nah. The only poem Tim knows starts with, "Hickory, dickory dock".

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Welcome to a brand new season. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!
Tim: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Heidi. Welcome to a new season. I think, therefore I am, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Of course, you all know my assistant. He eats, therefore he is, Al Borland.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, we have a sizzling hot show for you today. So, let's get cooking. It's barbecue week here on Tool Time. [fanfare playing] Well, barbecuing goes back to primitive times when cavemen rubbed two sticks together to cook their carcass du jour.
Tim: Nothing like an all-you-can-eat brontosaurus buffet. But stay clear of that pudding. Plonko!
Al: But nowadays, you can cook your meat on this three dollar portable unit, or cook like a king with this $35,000 gas cooking unit.
Tim: Built-in dishwasher, disposal, CD player. And, in a pinch, an automatic hibachi cook. But for purists there's nothing like charcoal.
Al: They think the true measure of a man is how fast he can light his coals.
Tim: Yeah, yeah. Of course, a woman thinks it's how long a man can keep his coals lit.
Al: Well, there's a gentleman in Indiana who used liquid oxygen. Got his charcoal ready in three seconds.
Tim: Yeah, but there's a very handsome guy here in Detroit who says he can beat that record.

Quote from Mark

Randy: I wish we were going up there tonight. Lauren and her family are already at the lake.
Jill: Did you talk to her?
Randy: Yeah. She says the weather's perfect, the water's nice. The only thing missing is moi. That's French for "me".
Mark: What's French for "barf"?

Quote from Randy

Jill: Mark, did you remember to pack your bathing suit?
Mark: Yeah, let me check.
Jill: What is the deal with you wearing nothing but black clothes lately?
Mark: I like black.
Randy: He's trying to create an image for himself: bleak and desperate. It's working.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What a great day, huh? I did some soul-searching. I got a brand-new power soaker. And my barbeque grill was spotted over Roswell, New Mexico. Life is good.

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