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‘Love is a Many Splintered Thing’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Love is a Many Splintered Thing

215. Love is a Many Splintered Thing

Aired January 20, 1993

Jill writes a "how compatible is your mate" test for the magazine. Meanwhile, Randy decides to do a ventriloquist performance for the school talent show.

Quote from Jill

Tim: "If your husband was something you'd find in the kitchen, what would he be?" Oh, that's deep. Oh, yeah, that's deep.
Jill: I think you'll find this very insightful, Tim.
Tim: "A. An oven. Warm and self-cleaning." Not me. "B. Garbage disposal. Grating and eats anything." "C. A refrigerator. Very cold and the light's never on." These are stupid.
Jill: Well, come on. You haven't read the one that I picked for you. Read D.
Tim: "D. A teakettle. Hot and steamy, done in two minutes." Like I'm a teakettle.
Jill: Well, honey, you do whistle when you're done.

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Quote from Wilson

Tim: Jill's taken this stupid test. It says we're not compatible. I know we love each other. I just wonder how we stay together if we're so different.
Wilson: Well, Tim, much of it has to do with the unity of opposites. The yin and the yang.
Tim: Those two pandas at the Washington Zoo?
Wilson: Oh, no, Tim. That would be Ling Ling and Hsing Hsing.
Tim: Oh, Hsing Hsing...
Wilson: Yes. What I'm talking about is the paradox of a relationship. And a paradox is not necessarily a bad thing.
Tim: A paradox is not necessarily a bad thing.
Wilson: There you go, neighbor. A paradox creates tension, and tension is energy, and energy is a force and we all live in this force, and that's the excitement of life and love. Are you with me, Tim?
Tim: You're saying a paradox is not necessarily a bad thing.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Tim, I believe it was André Maurois who said that a successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day.
Tim: And I like rebuilding, boy. Hammer, hammer, yeah, saw, hammer.
Wilson: That's because you have an edifice complex. [laughs] Oh, my gosh, I do crack myself up sometimes. But I think what Maurois was trying to say is that there is a deep chasm between man and woman, and every day we must build a bridge and cross over to the other side.
Tim: Wouldn't that put Jill on my side and me on her side?
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. In a successful marriage, man and woman will meet in the middle.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Before you do that, I've been thinking.
Jill: What was the occasion?
Tim: I think we're compatible even though you like percale sheets and I wanna sleep with Dick Butkus.
Jill: Why are we compatible?
Tim: Because we choose to be. You and I are a pair o' ducks. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Jill: Pair o' ducks?
Tim: Yes. Yin and Yang. They couldn't swim the Chasm river, right? So they built this bridge, and they sat up there and quacked.
Jill: A bridge? You're trying to tell me you built a bridge?
Tim: No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't get me wrong. What we do is, we start over every day. I choose you, you choose me.
Jill: So we're, like, kinda stuck with each other.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Enough foolishness, though. But with a lathe, you can build your own bat.
Al: Yes, and tailor it to your own individual grip.
Tim: That way, you know you and the bat are compatible. Unlike a woman. Who has to take a quiz out of a magazine to figure out who she's compatible with. [feminine voice] "If my husband was a pie, what kind of pie would he be?" I'm not a pie! Men aren't pies. Are you a pie, Al?
Al: Well, I'm a Pi-sces.
Tim: Thank you, Al. Men know what I'm talking about. I'm right. We don't have to... we don't have to go through a quiz to figure out who we like. We see a woman, we go, "Do I wanna take a bath with her, or introduce her to my sister?"
Al: That's Tim Taylor, c/o Tool Time, PO Box 327...
Tim: Give it a rest, Al. Al, give it a rest.

Quote from Randy

Brad: Randy's doing a ventriloquist act at school.
Tim: Great. Where are you gonna get the dummy? [to Jill] Ah da da da buh buh buh. [to Randy] Can I carve you one? I can make a lifelike little friend out of 100% American pine.
Randy: You could?
Tim: You've seen what I can do with my hands.
Randy: Yeah, but I don't want you to make the dummy explode.

Quote from Jill

Tim: What's all this?
Jill: A compatibility test.
Tim: A compatibility test?
Jill: Yes. It's so women can tell if they're in a relationship with the right man. It's for the special Valentine's issue of next month's magazine.
Tim: "How does your mate rate?" How do you rate a guy who's already an ace?
Jill: I think you mispronounced that.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I don't think it's fair that women make up all these quizzes about men, so I made up this little quiz about women.
Jill: Like my "How does you mate rate" test?
Tim: Yeah. I'm gonna call it, "Is your life more rife with strife because of your wife?"
Jill: Which scientific minds came up with this one?
Tim: Me and a couple of guys at work. You know, Howie, Leroy, Moose...
Jill: Moose? Isn't he that crane operator who rides a motorcycle and has, like, a tattoo on his shoulder?
Tim: Yes. But he has some very strong feminine sides. We came up with a rating system. It goes from "cave woman" to "Bambi the love goddess."
Jill: "Bambi the love goddess?" I take it there aren't any math questions on this quiz.
Tim: You got that right.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right. "Does your wife nag you more or less than six times during a football game?" More.
Jill: I never nag you during football games.
Tim: Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm taking this for you. OK? "How many times has your wife nagged you during this quiz?"
Jill: Oh, this is so stupid.
Tim: That would be two times right there.
Jill: Now, the scientific part. "If your wife were a piece of hockey equipment, what would she be?"
Tim: Let me see that!
Jill: "If your wife were a piece of hockey equipment, would she be...?" "A. a goalie mask - wiry and closed off." "Br. a stick - long, rigid and likes to hit things." "C. elbow pads - soft, flexible and a good housekeeper"? What does housekeeping have to do with elbow pads?
Tim: Takes care of the joint. This is great.
Jill: You're so pathetic.
Tim: Read the next one.
Jill: "D. a jockstrap - gets in the way a lot, but basically supportive."
Tim: And you fell right in between elbow pads and a jockstrap.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Mom, this is yours.
Randy: Dad, this one's yours.
Tim: It is, huh? Does this have anything to do with me putting Tabasco sauce in your ice cream?
Randy: Of course not, Father. I enjoyed that prank.
Tim: [chuckles] Yeah, so did I. It was cool. Oh, boy. Oh, Mrs. Boucher's dog. Get outta the yard! [Tim swaps the plates] Come on, get outta there, you stupid dog! Go on now!
Jill: There isn't any dog out there.
Tim: Oh. Oh, he slipped right through the bushes there. Well, let's dig in.
Brad: Mom. Allow me. [removes the cover to reveal scrambled eggs and bacon] Go on, honey.
Jill: They're delicious.
Tim: They are?
Jill: They're really good.
Tim: Cool.
Jill: You should try it.
Randy: Yeah, Dad. Dig in.
[When Randy pulls the cover off Tim's plate, rubber snakes pop out in his face. Tim chases after the boys.]

Quote from Randy

Jill: I love ventriloquists. When I was growing up, I used to watch 'em all the time on Ed Sullivan.
Brad & Randy: Who?
Jill: Never mind. You're gonna look so cute holding a dummy.
Brad: He finally gets to work with somebody his own size.
Randy: Yeah, and somebody with your IQ.
Brad: Randy, you don't know anything about being a ventriloquist.
Randy: I'll read about it. You see, Brad, the library has these new things. They're called books. They're like comics, but they don't have pictures. [gasps]

Quote from Jill

Tim: Who thought of this?
Jill: Me and about five other people.
Tim: Were there any men involved in this group?
Jill: No. But Arlene and Vickie have very strong masculine sides.
Tim: A little quiz for women to show how stupid their husbands are.
Jill: No. It's fun. You get points. You know, for all the different answers. OK. You could rate anywhere from "knight in shining armor" to "Neanderthal."
Tim: You took it for me. How'd I do?
Jill: 98.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah!
Jill: Out of 300.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Al has been showing us some real craftsmanship on this wood lathe today. Al, do you suppose if you couldn't pay for this all at once you'd have to put it on lathe-away?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Quote from Randy

Jill: Here, let me try this. OK, we're gonna call this guy... Spanky. How are you doing, Spanky? "Good." What's your favorite nursery rhyme? "Mary had a little lamb"
Randy: That was great, Mom. "Harry had a little ham."
Jill: OK, wise guy. You go up and work on this, or you're not gonna get any dinner.
Randy: Why? What are we having? Heat loaf?

Quote from Jill

Tim: Well, if we're so incompatible, how is it we got along for 14 years?
Jill: Well, I'm an exceptional woman and I make all the compromises.
Tim: Back the marriage carriage up here a little bit. You make all the compromises?
Jill: Yeah. We always do what you wanna do.
Tim: No, we don't.
Jill: Yeah. I went to that truck-pushing thing with you.
Tim: Truck pulling. Pull.
Jill: Whatever.

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