Tim: "If your husband was something you'd find in the kitchen, what would he be?" Oh, that's deep. Oh, yeah, that's deep.
Jill: I think you'll find this very insightful, Tim.
Tim: "A. An oven. Warm and self-cleaning." Not me. "B. Garbage disposal. Grating and eats anything." "C. A refrigerator. Very cold and the light's never on." These are stupid.
Jill: Well, come on. You haven't read the one that I picked for you. Read D.
Tim: "D. A teakettle. Hot and steamy, done in two minutes." Like I'm a teakettle.
Jill: Well, honey, you do whistle when you're done.

Tim: Jill's taken this stupid test. It says we're not compatible. I know we love each other. I just wonder how we stay together if we're so different.
Wilson: Well, Tim, much of it has to do with the unity of opposites. The yin and the yang.
Tim: Those two pandas at the Washington Zoo?
Wilson: Oh, no, Tim. That would be Ling Ling and Hsing Hsing.
Tim: Oh, Hsing Hsing...
Wilson: Yes. What I'm talking about is the paradox of a relationship. And a paradox is not necessarily a bad thing.
Tim: A paradox is not necessarily a bad thing.
Wilson: There you go, neighbor. A paradox creates tension, and tension is energy, and energy is a force and we all live in this force, and that's the excitement of life and love. Are you with me, Tim?
Tim: You're saying a paradox is not necessarily a bad thing.

Wilson: Tim, I believe it was André Maurois who said that a successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day.
Tim: And I like rebuilding, boy. Hammer, hammer, yeah, saw, hammer.
Wilson: That's because you have an edifice complex. [laughs] Oh, my gosh, I do crack myself up sometimes. But I think what Maurois was trying to say is that there is a deep chasm between man and woman, and every day we must build a bridge and cross over to the other side.
Tim: Wouldn't that put Jill on my side and me on her side?
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. In a successful marriage, man and woman will meet in the middle.

Tim: Before you do that, I've been thinking.
Jill: What was the occasion?
Tim: I think we're compatible even though you like percale sheets and I wanna sleep with Dick Butkus.
Jill: Why are we compatible?
Tim: Because we choose to be. You and I are a pair o' ducks. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Jill: Pair o' ducks?
Tim: Yes. Yin and Yang. They couldn't swim the Chasm river, right? So they built this bridge, and they sat up there and quacked.
Jill: A bridge? You're trying to tell me you built a bridge?
Tim: No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't get me wrong. What we do is, we start over every day. I choose you, you choose me.
Jill: So we're, like, kinda stuck with each other.

Tim: Enough foolishness, though. But with a lathe, you can build your own bat.
Al: Yes, and tailor it to your own individual grip.
Tim: That way, you know you and the bat are compatible. Unlike a woman. Who has to take a quiz out of a magazine to figure out who she's compatible with. [feminine voice] "If my husband was a pie, what kind of pie would he be?" I'm not a pie! Men aren't pies. Are you a pie, Al?
Al: Well, I'm a Pi-sces.
Tim: Thank you, Al. Men know what I'm talking about. I'm right. We don't have to... we don't have to go through a quiz to figure out who we like. We see a woman, we go, "Do I wanna take a bath with her, or introduce her to my sister?"
Al: That's Tim Taylor, c/o Tool Time, PO Box 327...
Tim: Give it a rest, Al. Al, give it a rest.

Brad: Randy's doing a ventriloquist act at school.
Tim: Great. Where are you gonna get the dummy? [to Jill] Ah da da da buh buh buh. [to Randy] Can I carve you one? I can make a lifelike little friend out of 100% American pine.
Randy: You could?
Tim: You've seen what I can do with my hands.
Randy: Yeah, but I don't want you to make the dummy explode.

Tim: What's all this?
Jill: A compatibility test.
Tim: A compatibility test?
Jill: Yes. It's so women can tell if they're in a relationship with the right man. It's for the special Valentine's issue of next month's magazine.
Tim: "How does your mate rate?" How do you rate a guy who's already an ace?
Jill: I think you mispronounced that.

Tim: I don't think it's fair that women make up all these quizzes about men, so I made up this little quiz about women.
Jill: Like my "How does you mate rate" test?
Tim: Yeah. I'm gonna call it, "Is your life more rife with strife because of your wife?"
Jill: Which scientific minds came up with this one?
Tim: Me and a couple of guys at work. You know, Howie, Leroy, Moose...
Jill: Moose? Isn't he that crane operator who rides a motorcycle and has, like, a tattoo on his shoulder?
Tim: Yes. But he has some very strong feminine sides. We came up with a rating system. It goes from "cave woman" to "Bambi the love goddess."
Jill: "Bambi the love goddess?" I take it there aren't any math questions on this quiz.
Tim: You got that right.

Tim: All right. "Does your wife nag you more or less than six times during a football game?" More.
Jill: I never nag you during football games.
Tim: Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm taking this for you. OK? "How many times has your wife nagged you during this quiz?"
Jill: Oh, this is so stupid.
Tim: That would be two times right there.
Jill: Now, the scientific part. "If your wife were a piece of hockey equipment, what would she be?"
Tim: Let me see that!
Jill: "If your wife were a piece of hockey equipment, would she be...?" "A. a goalie mask - wiry and closed off." "Br. a stick - long, rigid and likes to hit things." "C. elbow pads - soft, flexible and a good housekeeper"? What does housekeeping have to do with elbow pads?
Tim: Takes care of the joint. This is great.
Jill: You're so pathetic.
Tim: Read the next one.
Jill: "D. a jockstrap - gets in the way a lot, but basically supportive."
Tim: And you fell right in between elbow pads and a jockstrap.

Brad: Mom, this is yours.
Randy: Dad, this one's yours.
Tim: It is, huh? Does this have anything to do with me putting Tabasco sauce in your ice cream?
Randy: Of course not, Father. I enjoyed that prank.
Tim: [chuckles] Yeah, so did I. It was cool. Oh, boy. Oh, Mrs. Boucher's dog. Get outta the yard! [Tim swaps the plates] Come on, get outta there, you stupid dog! Go on now!
Jill: There isn't any dog out there.
Tim: Oh. Oh, he slipped right through the bushes there. Well, let's dig in.
Brad: Mom. Allow me. [removes the cover to reveal scrambled eggs and bacon] Go on, honey.
Jill: They're delicious.
Tim: They are?
Jill: They're really good.
Tim: Cool.
Jill: You should try it.
Randy: Yeah, Dad. Dig in.
[When Randy pulls the cover off Tim's plate, rubber snakes pop out in his face. Tim chases after the boys.]