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‘Rites & Wrongs of Passage’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Rites & Wrongs of Passage

202. Rites & Wrongs of Passage

Aired September 23, 1992

Tim and Jill punish Brad after he gets in trouble at school and is brought home by a police officer. Meanwhile, Tim agrees to attend a Highland Games for a caber toss.

Quote from Randy

Brad: Yeah, when are we gonna fit the exhaust?
Tim: We could start it now, if you want.
Brad: Cool. Do I get to use the blowtorch?
Tim: Yeah, right. Then we wait outside for the fire department to show up.
Randy: Well, it's not like they haven't been here before.

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Quote from Jill

Jill: Whoa, baby! You look great!
Tim: You wouldn't be just teasing a gal, would you?
Jill: No, I'm serious. This is real sexy.
Tim: It is?
Jill: Yeah. You got the legs for it. I just wish it was shorter.
Both: The kilt!

Quote from Wilson

Tim: I gotta be honest, Wilson. You kind of disappointed me. Yeah, usually you give me advice or point me in the right direction, or at least find some way of lifting my spirits.
Wilson: I am so sorry, neighbor. Tim, place your hands on the fence.
Tim: Like this?
Wilson: [sings] Kumbaya, good neighbor, Tim, kumbaya Kumbaya, good neighbor, Tim, kumbaya...
Tim: Wilson... Do you know "Michael Row the Boat Ashore?"
Both: Michael row the boat ashore, hallelujah...

Quote from Tim

Tim: While Al cleans up his little mess, let me tell you about next week's show.
Al: My little mess?
Tim: Al, I think we both learned an important lesson today. Never slam the casement window shut until your coworker has completely removed his head.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Just gets old enough to start having fun with, and all we do is fight.
Wilson: Sounds like he's caught in the classic tribal-industrial dilemma.
Tim: Oh, yeah. That's what it probably is, yeah.
Wilson: He's trying to cross the threshold into manhood, but he doesn't know how. You see, Tim, in tribal societies, as soon as boys show the first signs of becoming men, they're immediately initiated into adulthood.
Tim: How?
Wilson: Well, some of the more popular rituals include scarring, pulling of teeth, ritual circumcision.
Tim: Brad doesn't even like getting his hair cut.
Wilson: Mm... But unfortunately in our industrial society we don't have these rituals. We prolong adolescence beyond the biological indications of manhood, confusing the child as well as the parent.
Tim: Wow... I thought he was just being a jerk. What should I do?
Wilson: I can't tell you that, Tim. Nowadays, each father has to find his own unique way to initiate his son.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Anyway, when you work like a man, it's also important to learn to... play like a man. Because, after all, all work and no play makes you just like Al. Well, this weekend there'll be plenty of men playing at the Detroit Area Scottish Highland Games. We've invited a gentleman down to Tool Time to tell us all about it.
Please welcome Mr. Agnes McLain. Welcome to the show, Agnes.
Angus: That's Angus, not Agnes.
Tim: The skirt threw me off a little bit.
Al: Actually, Tim, lots of very masculine men wear skirts.
Tim: I bet they all find you very attractive, Al.
Angus: I should point out, Timmy, it's not a skirt. It's a Scottish kilt.
Tim: See there? It's a kilt, not a skirt.

Quote from Jill

Mark: Hey, Mom, did you get the notebooks?
Jill: Oh, yeah. Well, they didn't have any Terminator left. But they did have these two blank ones and this one. [Brad and Mark each grab a notebook]
Randy: Mom, this one has a puppy and a rainbow on it.
Jill: It was either that or a ballerina and a pussycat.
Randy: Why don't you just pin a note to my back that says, "Kick me and take my lunch money"? I can't take this to school.
Jill: Yes, you can. You can be creative. You can... you can... draw a tank here at the end of the rainbow and, like, some fighter planes dropping bombs on the little puppy.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Well, I got 'em. Hardest tickets in the city to get, front-row seats.
Jill: You got tickets to Madame Butterfly?
Tim: Uh... I tried, honey, but they were all sold out. I got the next best thing. Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! Truckenstein versus Fordzilla at the Silverdome! The biggest monster truck rally in Detroit history. Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!
Jill: What will I wear?
Tim: I didn't get you a ticket, honey.
Jill: House to myself on Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Evidently your mom doesn't appreciate the finer things in life. Hot exhaust noises, mud in our faces, fumes. [grunts]
Brad: They put a new Hemi on Truckenstein.
Tim: They sure did. God, they got a 426 Hemi in that thing, don't they? One of those big 671 blowers on there. A jimmy sitting on top of two big Holley 750 double pumpers. [grunting] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like the carb we're putting on the hot rod.

Quote from Brad

Tim: All right, what's up?
Jill: You want to tell your dad what you did?
Tim: It wasn't that big a deal. I just had a little fun in the lunch line.
Jill: A little fun. He took a dissected frog from biology class, placed it on a lettuce leaf and hid it under a Jell-O square.
Brad: I was just trying to gross out some kids, but Mrs. Blackburn cut in line.
Tim: And she ate it?
Brad: Just part of it.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Well, you see, Brad and I aren't getting along too well. He just all of a sudden rocketed into puberty somewhere. He's hanging out with older guys, causing trouble. He got brought home in a squad car the other night.
Wilson: I believe I heard that on my police scanner.
Tim: Wilson, he's, like, the oldest kid. He's a gearhead, like me. Just loves this stuff, you know. And then he messes up and I gotta ground him the week of the monster truck rally. It's these big trucks out at the Silverdome.
Wilson: Oh, yes. Fordzilla is coming out of retirement. But I don't think he's any match for Truckenstein.
Tim: Wilson... It's just not fair.
Wilson: Well, Fordzilla's had his day in the sun.

Quote from Al

Tim: This thing is like cherry. It's all tweaked out. It's in perfect shape.
Al: Well, I put a lot of work into her, Tim. You know, I chromeplated the valve covers.
Tim: You did?
Al: I plasma-coated the block and intake manifold.
Tim: I didn't know you were that interested in cars.
Al: Well, Tim, you never asked.
Tim: I'm impressed. Not a lot of guys would take the time or the money to tweak out an '84 Mercury Marquis wagon.
Al: My mother thought it was a nice, safe car.
Tim: And roomy. It'll come in handy if you ever get married... or get a date.

Quote from Tim

Tim: It's better than that, man. You moved into a new phase of your life.
Brad: I have?
Tim: Yeah. You just cut metal with fire. We gotta celebrate.
Brad: Celebrate?
Tim: Yeah... [chants]
Brad: Come on, Dad, please.
Tim: Wait, wait, wait, we can't forget the ritual anointing of the man-child. Holy oil, holy... 10W40, all-weather.
Brad: Come on, Dad. What are you doing?
Tim: Come on. It's part of the ritual. You're getting off easy. [chants] You should have heard what Wilson wanted me to do to you.

Quote from Tim

Al: And this weekend Tim and I will be participating in the Highland Games to promote Project Literacy.
Angus: And what a time we'll have. There'll be jumping, drumming, sheepdog demonstrations, and the caber toss.
Tim: [Scottish accent] The caber toss?
Angus: Aye! It's part of the Scottish track and field. Ya grab a big log, ya hold it like this, ya get a running start, and throw it end over end, so that it lands in a straight line.
Tim: Another fine sport from the people who brought you golf.
Angus: It takes a lot of skill and strength to toss a caber.
Tim: All right, Agnes, I'm sure it does. You just take a stick and toss it.
Al: I bet our viewers would love to see you toss one.
Tim: Al, let's not get...
Angus: Come on, laddie.
Tim: OK, OK, OK, OK... I accept the challenge. Why not? I work with Al. I feel like I've been carrying deadwood for years. See you next time on Tool Time, laddies.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Thanks for making me look bad.
Tim: What?
Jill: "Your mother and I need to talk." That means, "My pal, the greatest dad on Earth, wants me to go to the truck rally, but Ilsa, the wicked she-mother, doesn't." You do this to me all the time.
Tim: Oh, come on, Ilsa.

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