Tim: Wilson, are you naked?
Wilson: No, Tim, I'm wearing a hat.
Tim: Why are you naked?
Wilson: Well, Tim, in Finland, they believe that to rejuvenate the body and the soul, you take a hot sauna bath and you follow that with an ice-cold snow massage.
Tim: What do they follow that up with? A heart attack?
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. Actually, it's quite invigorating. You know, maybe you'd like to join me for a hot sauna sometime. There's always room for two under my dome.
Tim: No, thanks, Wilson. I'm not much of a "get naked with your neighbor" kind of guy.

Marge: Hey, Tim. I see your eyebrows grew back.
Tim: Well, they always do. And they're bushier. They're thicker this time.
Marge: Your wife called and said something about a girl with an injured ankle.
Tim: It's Randy's birthday party and she slipped on the dance floor. Kids.
Marge: Slipped on the dance floor? Let me guess... you overwaxed.
Tim: You know me too well, Marge.
Marge: I should. I see you more often than I see my own husband.

Wilson: Well, maybe you should do something different to participate in Randy's birthday celebration. As the English author Samuel Johnson said: "Our brightest blazes of gladness are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks."
Tim: If anyone knows about unexpected sparks, it'd be me.
Wilson: Well, I think you'd be more fulfilled if you did something for Randy that was both unique and unexpected.
Tim: Like what?
Wilson: If I knew that, it wouldn't be unexpected.
Tim: Wait. But unexpected, you're saying... You know what's really unexpected?
Wilson: What's that?
Tim: The position of that tattoo.
Wilson: Well, Tim, that's no tattoo. I just sat on a live coal.
Tim: Whoo!

Tim: Some birthday, huh?
Randy: It's the birthday I always dreamed of - sitting around with a bunch of bleeding, infected people.
Tim: Hey, the day's not over. Maybe we can salvage it yet.
Randy: No. There's no way you can salvage this one, Dad. I finally find out Michelle likes me and now her dad won't let me hang out with her.
Tim: Let me talk to her dad. He likes Tool Time. He's got to understand accidents happen.

Tim: Well, it's the end of floor finishing week on Tool Time.
Al: We got a big finish for you.
Tim: That's right. We're gonna shoot Al out of a giant glue gun. There'll be pieces of Al everywhere. It's gonna be a great show so stay tuned.
Al: We are not. We're going to finish finishing our floor.
Tim: If you said "finish finishing" like that in Finland, you'd be finished already.
Al: Tim.

Tim: Slippery Steve's Snowmobiles. He doesn't generally rent them, but for me he will make an exception.
Jill: It is so great to be married to a man with that kind of power.
Tim: But I must learn to use my power for good, not evil.
Jill: And the good would be?
Tim: How about a snowmobile party for Randy's birthday.
Randy: Dad, I don't know about a snowmobile party.
Tim: Come on, think about it. There's no better way to say happy birthday than saying it at 85 miles an hour, blistering across the tundra, icicles frozen to your face. "I can't see anything!"
Randy: As good as that sounds, I was thinking about having a boy-girl party in the basement.
Tim: Girls love snowmobiles.
Jill: What girls?
Tim: Snowmobile chicks.

Jill: Tim, nobody has their first boy-girl party on a snowmobile.
Tim: I did.
Jill: Nobody normal. At my first boy-girl party, all the girls wore frilly little dresses and the boys wore suits and ties. We played charades and telephone.
Randy: Mom, things have changed in the last 100 years.

Wilson: So how did things go over at the snowmobile place?
Tim: Steve said he'd rent me the snowmobiles, but Randy'd rather have a boy-girl party.
Wilson: Well, you don't sound too happy about that.
Tim: What's there for me to do at a boy-girl party?
Wilson: Well, why do you feel you have to do anything?
Tim: 'Cause I like getting involved in my boys' birthdays. I had... Are you still naked?
Wilson: No, no, no, no. I'm all covered up.
Tim: For Brad's 13th birthday, we went to a tractor pull. And we got mud all over our heads. I was hoping that Randy's birthday would be just as memorable.

Mark: Dad, I'm supposed to go over to Jimmy's for a sleepover.
Tim: All right. We're almost done. Let me see that wax.
Mark: You already put on 16 coats. Why do you have to put on so much?
Tim: It's Randy's birthday present. I want to make sure the dance floor's perfect.
Mark: Can I at least try the polisher?
Tim: I'll show you in a minute. You gotta adjust this by hand. I'm good at this. I can do it while its moving, but you gotta be good at this. So if you get your cuff caught in there... [Tim's pants are pulled off]

Jill: Great news. Guess what I found in the closet. My old 45s. [Brad and Randy have a blank expression]
Randy: You're gonna let us have guns at the party?
Jill: These are records. This is the music I used to listen to at my parties.
Brad: Oh, this can't be good.
Jill: Oh, "Hurdy Gurdy Man" by Donovan. Oh. This is a great slow song. "To Sir With Love" by Lulu.
Brad & Randy: Lulu?
Brad: Don't worry about it, Randy. There's not a machine in the city that'll play those things.
Jill: Not true. I found my old Princess record player in the closet too. All I have to do now is find a needle for it.
Brad: Hey, why don't you just hop into your time machine?