Wilson: Tim, have you ever heard of a play...
Tim: No, no, no. No plays, no ballets, no chamber music. None of that. Just give it to me straight.
Wilson: [chuckles] I'm talking about the Shakespearean comedy As You Like It. Now in this play, the young Rosalind is uncomfortable expressing her feelings for the nobleman Orlando. The only way she can speak her mind is by dressing up as a man, the shepherd Ganymede.
Tim: Okay. What does a cross-dressing sheep lover have to do with me?
Wilson: Well, I suspect, just as Rosalind masqueraded as Ganymede, perhaps you were masquerading as Jill.
Tim: [looks around] Once I tried on a pump. It was Halloween, for God's sake!
Wilson: No, I'm talking about masquerading your feelings. I mean, is Jill really the one who will miss sharing the hot rod with Randy?
Tim: Of course. She's the one... Are you suggesting I stopped him from going because of my feelings?
Wilson: Well, that answer can only come from the masquerader.
Tim: All right, all right. I tried on the pantyhose, too.

Tim: We never talked about girls.
Randy: Well, I'm not leaving until Saturday. What do you want to know?

Tim: But you're gonna be just fine. You're gonna do well.
Randy: You think so?
Tim: Yeah. You've survived every natural disaster known to man... right here in this house.

Al: Well, today we kick off the Tool Time lyric-writing contest. For years our theme song has had no words.
Tim: Klaus? [Tool Time theme plays] Hey? And a theme song without lyrics is like... Well, it's like Al's mom without a 5:00 shadow.
Al: As I was saying, Detroit's finest songwriters are vying to have their lyrics be the crown jewel in the dazzling Tool Time theme!
Tim: You heard it right. There's no money involved. Heidi, tell them how the contest works.
Heidi: Well, our contestant begins to sing and the moment we don't like what we hear...
Tim: Flonko! [gong rings]

Al: Well, let's bring out our first contestant. He is a carpet installer, Wade Waller. [all cheering]
Tim: Thank you. All right. All right, Waller, let's hear you holler.
Wade Waller: One, two, three. [sings and plays guitar] Here's a song about Tool Time It's here now Here's a song about Tool Time And here it is Here's a song about Tool Time Here's a song Here is the... [Tim hits the gong] Tool Time song
Tim: And here's the Tool Time gong.

Heidi: Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a warm hello to The Flannels!
Al: Now there's a good-looking bunch.
Tim: Yeah, if you're a single woman at a Scottish mixer, huh? Where are your instruments, guys?
Flannel #1: Oh, we don't have any. We'll be singing Al cappella. [Al chuckles] One, two and one.
The Flannels: [humming] [sing] Everyone get set for Tool Time Wrenches Everyone get set for Tool Time Ratchets Circular, circular, circular, circular Saws! [applause]
Al: All right! Well, they are great!
Tim: Well, and congratulations, guys. You made it into the semi-finals.
The Flannels: [sing] Semi-finals!
Tim: Yeah! You're great.
The Flannels: [sing] Really great!
Tim: See you next time.
The Flannels: [sing] See us next time!
Tim: You're pushing it.
The Flannels: [sing] We're pushing it!

Heidi: Our next contestants are a rap group, and they are big fans of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome L.L. Tool J and Grand Master Bath!
L.L. Tool J : What's up? [rap] Yo, Tim's in the house
Grand Master Bath: Rock the house
L.L. Tool J : Yo, Tim's in the house
Grand Master Bath: Rock the house
L.L. Tool J : I say Tim's in the house
Grand Master Bath: Rock the house
L.L. Tool J : You say Tim's in the house?
Grand Master Bath: Wreck the house
L.L. Tool J : If you got a nice place
Grand Master Bath: And you want it kept
L.L. Tool J : Then ban Mr. Tim
Grand Master Bath: Because he's inept
L.L. Tool J : He'll blow off your roof
Grand Master Bath: And destroy your kitchen
L.L. Tool J : And next thing you know
Grand Master Bath: Your girlfriend's bitchin'
L.L. Tool J : 'Cause Tim is in the house [Tim hits the gong]
Grand Master Bath: Wreck the house
L.L. Tool J : Yo, what's up with that?
Tim: You dissed the boss. That means you lost.

Randy: Well, that's it. Lauren's on her way.
Jill: How are you?
Randy: I'm all right. A little sad.
Tim: Hey, of course you're sad. What you need is something to take your mind off this, okay? You know, when I have young girlfriends that leave me for the jungle... [off Jill's look] When something bad happens to me, well, I go to the garage and work on cars.
Jill: When anything happens to you, you go to the garage and work on cars.

Randy: I'm gonna be living with a family in San Ramon, which is only 20 miles from where Lauren lives. I leave on Saturday.
Jill: You can't leave Saturday!
Randy: Well, why not?
Jill: Well, because... Because it's... It's the day before the day of rest.

Tim: Don't you need some time to get stuff together?
Jill: Yeah. You have to get clothes. You have to get all those shots.
Tim: Translate your records into Costa Rican.
Randy: Guys, I know it's kind of a rush, but I can do this. You're sure you're okay with it?
Tim: Yeah. It's all the bananas you can eat.