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‘Adios’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Adios

802. Adios

Aired September 29, 1998

Randy gets an opportunity to spend a year in Costa Rica with Lauren protecting the environment.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Tim, have you ever heard of a play...
Tim: No, no, no. No plays, no ballets, no chamber music. None of that. Just give it to me straight.
Wilson: [chuckles] I'm talking about the Shakespearean comedy As You Like It. Now in this play, the young Rosalind is uncomfortable expressing her feelings for the nobleman Orlando. The only way she can speak her mind is by dressing up as a man, the shepherd Ganymede.
Tim: Okay. What does a cross-dressing sheep lover have to do with me?
Wilson: Well, I suspect, just as Rosalind masqueraded as Ganymede, perhaps you were masquerading as Jill.
Tim: [looks around] Once I tried on a pump. It was Halloween, for God's sake!
Wilson: No, I'm talking about masquerading your feelings. I mean, is Jill really the one who will miss sharing the hot rod with Randy?
Tim: Of course. She's the one... Are you suggesting I stopped him from going because of my feelings?
Wilson: Well, that answer can only come from the masquerader.
Tim: All right, all right. I tried on the pantyhose, too.

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Quote from Randy

Tim: We never talked about girls.
Randy: Well, I'm not leaving until Saturday. What do you want to know?

Quote from Tim

Tim: But you're gonna be just fine. You're gonna do well.
Randy: You think so?
Tim: Yeah. You've survived every natural disaster known to man... right here in this house.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, today we kick off the Tool Time lyric-writing contest. For years our theme song has had no words.
Tim: Klaus? [Tool Time theme plays] Hey? And a theme song without lyrics is like... Well, it's like Al's mom without a 5:00 shadow.
Al: As I was saying, Detroit's finest songwriters are vying to have their lyrics be the crown jewel in the dazzling Tool Time theme!
Tim: You heard it right. There's no money involved. Heidi, tell them how the contest works.
Heidi: Well, our contestant begins to sing and the moment we don't like what we hear...
Tim: Flonko! [gong rings]

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, let's bring out our first contestant. He is a carpet installer, Wade Waller. [all cheering]
Tim: Thank you. All right. All right, Waller, let's hear you holler.
Wade Waller: One, two, three. [sings and plays guitar] Here's a song about Tool Time It's here now Here's a song about Tool Time And here it is Here's a song about Tool Time Here's a song Here is the... [Tim hits the gong] Tool Time song
Tim: And here's the Tool Time gong.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a warm hello to The Flannels!
Al: Now there's a good-looking bunch.
Tim: Yeah, if you're a single woman at a Scottish mixer, huh? Where are your instruments, guys?
Flannel #1: Oh, we don't have any. We'll be singing Al cappella. [Al chuckles] One, two and one.
The Flannels: [humming] [sing] Everyone get set for Tool Time Wrenches Everyone get set for Tool Time Ratchets Circular, circular, circular, circular Saws! [applause]
Al: All right! Well, they are great!
Tim: Well, and congratulations, guys. You made it into the semi-finals.
The Flannels: [sing] Semi-finals!
Tim: Yeah! You're great.
The Flannels: [sing] Really great!
Tim: See you next time.
The Flannels: [sing] See us next time!
Tim: You're pushing it.
The Flannels: [sing] We're pushing it!

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Our next contestants are a rap group, and they are big fans of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome L.L. Tool J and Grand Master Bath!
L.L. Tool J : What's up? [rap] Yo, Tim's in the house
Grand Master Bath: Rock the house
L.L. Tool J : Yo, Tim's in the house
Grand Master Bath: Rock the house
L.L. Tool J : I say Tim's in the house
Grand Master Bath: Rock the house
L.L. Tool J : You say Tim's in the house?
Grand Master Bath: Wreck the house
L.L. Tool J : If you got a nice place
Grand Master Bath: And you want it kept
L.L. Tool J : Then ban Mr. Tim
Grand Master Bath: Because he's inept
L.L. Tool J : He'll blow off your roof
Grand Master Bath: And destroy your kitchen
L.L. Tool J : And next thing you know
Grand Master Bath: Your girlfriend's bitchin'
L.L. Tool J : 'Cause Tim is in the house [Tim hits the gong]
Grand Master Bath: Wreck the house
L.L. Tool J : Yo, what's up with that?
Tim: You dissed the boss. That means you lost.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Well, that's it. Lauren's on her way.
Jill: How are you?
Randy: I'm all right. A little sad.
Tim: Hey, of course you're sad. What you need is something to take your mind off this, okay? You know, when I have young girlfriends that leave me for the jungle... [off Jill's look] When something bad happens to me, well, I go to the garage and work on cars.
Jill: When anything happens to you, you go to the garage and work on cars.

Quote from Jill

Randy: I'm gonna be living with a family in San Ramon, which is only 20 miles from where Lauren lives. I leave on Saturday.
Jill: You can't leave Saturday!
Randy: Well, why not?
Jill: Well, because... Because it's... It's the day before the day of rest.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Don't you need some time to get stuff together?
Jill: Yeah. You have to get clothes. You have to get all those shots.
Tim: Translate your records into Costa Rican.
Randy: Guys, I know it's kind of a rush, but I can do this. You're sure you're okay with it?
Tim: Yeah. It's all the bananas you can eat.

Quote from Tim

Jill: We have to let him go. We have to. His girlfriend's gonna be there. They're both really committed to the cause. I mean, he's got his heart set on it.
Tim: So? When he was eight years old, he had his heart set on that pony. He never got that.
Jill: Yeah, well, maybe if we'd given him the pony, he wouldn't be going to Costa Rica.
Tim: I still know that pony guy. I'll cut a deal with the guy. Oh, it's probably a horse by now, wouldn't it be, 'cause it's...

Quote from Randy

Brad: Well, I think it's really cool you're going down there to save the environment.
Randy: You don't think I'm crazy for doing this, do you?
Brad: No, no. I don't think you're crazy. I mean, I think it's gonna be kind of weird. 'Cause I figure that by the time you get back, I'll probably be headed off for college, you know?
Randy: So this year would've been our last chance to hang out together.
Brad: Yeah. We could've done some major partying.
Randy: Well, I'm not really the party guy, but...
Brad: Well, I guess we could've tortured Mark together.
Randy: Yup. I am definitely gonna miss that. Of course, you know, if you want, I can score you some Costa Rican itching powder.
Brad: And if you do, I promise to send you the pictures of Mark's rash.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, men. What are you guys talking about?
Brad: We're actually just talking about Costa Rican itching powder.
Tim: Hey, don't get me started, all right? Years ago when you wanted a good itch, you bought American, all right? Yeah. We used to be proud of this country's novelty products in my day.
Brad: All right. I'm gonna go write to my congressman.
Tim: Good work. While you're at it, why don't you tell him about the influx of that fake vomit from Japan? All the bean sprouts in there. What's that all about?
Randy: Now I know where I got my global consciousness.
Tim: Freakin' right, man.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Dad, it's no big deal. It's like I'm going to sleep-away camp for a year.
Tim: Except this camp, instead of arts and crafts, you've got tarantulas and man-eating fish. Not to mention the constant threat of a peasant uprising.
Randy: Dad, Costa Rica is the most stable country in Central America.
Tim: Oh, yeah. That's what they said about Nicaragua. Now the people down there are deprived of the most basic freedoms. You can't buy a Chevy big block down there! You know that?
Randy: And this bothers Mom how?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, I am worried about him going, but I told you I wasn't gonna stop him!
Tim: That's why I stopped him for you. Look, it doesn't matter who stopped him. The point is he's not going.
Jill: So he's gonna miss this incredible adventure and spend the rest of his life blaming me.
Tim: You know, I thought you'd be happy that I fixed things.
Jill: Tim, this isn't a leaky faucet or a broken carburetor. This is my relationship with my son! I did not ask you to fix it!
Tim: Not literally. But you were sending some very strong subliminal messages.
Jill: Really? Well...
Tim: Yes! Yes!
Jill: Okay, so can you pick up on this message that I'm sending you right now?
Tim: That is not physically possible.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Hidey ho, good neighbor.
Tim: What's all the smoke?
Wilson: I'm roasting Joe.
Tim: Well, I don't hear any screams. He's obviously taking it like a man.
Wilson: No, in honor of Randy going to Costa Rica, I'm roasting coffee beans.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Randy's not going.
Wilson: Why not?
Tim: Because I told him Jill didn't want him to go.
Wilson: So the trip is off just like that? Jill must be very upset about him going.
Tim: The only reason I told him that was because Jill was worried about his health and safety. I mean, he's not gonna be home for Thanksgiving. We won't see him at Christmas. He won't be here when I finish the hot rod.
Wilson: Ah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Tim: He's gonna celebrate a birthday down there, you know. If we want party pictures, you know, I'll have to pick up a copy of National Geographic.
Wilson: Well, I'm still back at "Ah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm."
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]

Quote from Randy

Jill: Randy, guess what? Good news. Here are your rain pants. You are going to Costa Rica.
Randy: What? What's changed?
Jill: Talk to the middleman.
Randy: I don't get it.
Tim: Well, it's complicated. Geez. Here. Would you slice this for me? Do you remember your first solid food?
Randy: I was seven months old.
Tim: So you do remember. Your mom tried to get you to eat that wimpy rice cereal, but I gave you a bratwurst.
Randy: No wonder I became a vegetarian.

Quote from Randy

Randy: So why am I going to Costa Rica again?
Tim: It's complicated. How did you become 16 already?
Randy: Well, I woke up one morning, I was 15, and thought, "What the heck! Let's keep on going." So back to the Costa Rica thing.
Tim: Damn it, I'm gonna miss you.
Randy: So you're the one who had the problem with me leaving?
Tim: The longest I've ever been away from you has been a week.
Randy: Yeah. And I visited you in the hospital every single day.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'm just not comfortable about you leaving like this, you know? We... We haven't gotten a chance to do half the stuff I've talked about doing with you.
Randy: Like what?
Tim: We never souped anything up, even a bicycle.
Randy: Come on, Dad. Don't you remember? I was the first six-year-old ever to be pulled over for speeding?
Tim: If you'd just ducked into that alley, that cop would've never seen you.
Randy: I know.

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