Tim: Bud, I-I can't do Tool Time without Al. Everybody loves Al.
Bud: Oh, no, no, no, not everybody. Now, we did some audience testing and the numbers show that Al is a big dud with the younger viewers.
Tim: I don't put much stock in audience testing.
Bud: Well, now, you tested through the roof.
Tim: On the other hand, it's quite a valuable tool.
Bud: Oh, audiences love you. Of course, they don't love you as much as they love Heidi.
Tim: Yeah, that's funny. You're not kidding? Heidi tested better than me?
Bud: Heidi tested better than Santa Claus.

Tim: [to Bud] I've been together with Al for six years, though.
Delores: OK, you've got 14 plates of potatoes coming.
Tim: That's... That's just great, Delores.
Delores: OK, I've got hash browns, home fries or O'Briens.
Tim: Am I your only customer?
Delores: No, but you're my favorite.

Delores: OK, here are your egg dishes.
Tim: Oh, it's great, Delores.
Delores: Your hot cereals and breakfast meats will be out in a minute.
Tim: Okay. [to Bud] You know, I'm really adamant about this with Al. I have to...
Delores: Your get choice of bacon, ham or sausage.
Tim: Sausage. [to Bud] The reason I think Al...
Delores: Links or patties?
Tim: Links, please. The first...
Delores: Mild or spicy?
Tim: Just surprise me!
[Delores straightens a plate on the table and then walks off in a huff]

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and you all know my assistant Al "Next Time Light a Match" Borland.
Al: Well, today we're introducing a brand-new segment right here on Tool Time.
Tim: That's right, it's called "The Unsung Heroes of the Job Site."
Al: [sings along with jingle] He gets no thanks and that ain't right He's an unsung hero of the job site.

Jill: It's the first day of school! No one ever gets detention on the first day of school.
Tim: I wouldn't say no one.
Jill: What did you do?
Tim: Nothing! Bruce Tyler was throwing spit wads at me. I had to do something.
Jill: I meant Brad. What did you do to get detention?
Brad: Nothing.
Jill: I see. So this is just one of those "Come and get to know the other delinquents" sort of thing?
Brad: Look, I told you, OK? I didn't do anything.
Jill: You believe that?
Tim: It's terrible. Teachers are still giving detention for nothing.

Al: Oh, I knew breakfast was a bad idea.
Jill: Well, it's not always bad. It depends on what he orders. If he orders breakfast, you're fine. But if he just orders coffee, he wants to get out fast, and you're history.
Tim: Where did you come up with that theory?
Jill: [sighs] When I worked as a cashier in high school, I got fired over coffee. When I was fired from the bookstore, coffee. When I was fired from the diner, coffee to go.
Tim: Have you ever kept a job?

Bud: Uh, now, Tim. I need to talk to you about your show. I had my people study the ratings and I don't like what they told me.
Tim: Well, can I call you Bud?
Bud: Absolutely.
Tim: You shouldn't listen to what your people say because my people give me the wrong information all the time.
Bud: According to my people, you don't have people.

Tim: Um, I don't care much about your testing, really, because Al is a big hit with the seniors, okay. You go to any early-bird special in this city, you hear people talking about Al Borland.
Bud: Yeah, but that's the problem. The senior crowd has already bought their tools. We need new viewers who are hip, not viewers who need a new hip.

Bud: Tim, listen to me, I'm giving you the chance of a lifetime. You can make a lot more money and be a star. Look, I want you to go toe-to-toe with Bob Vila and crush him like a bug.
Tim: [grunting] Crush him like a bug. More coffee!
Bud: Yeah. You like that, don't you?
Tim: Yeah, crush him like a bug.
Bud: Yeah.
Tim: Yeah!
Bud: Then you know what you gotta do?
Tim: Yeah! What?
Bud: Fire Al.
Tim: You want me to fire Al?
Bud: Well, I can't do it. My grandmother loves Al.

Wilson: Well, Jill, if it's any consolation to you, I myself was quite the rapscallion when I was Brad's age.
Jill: That's hard to believe.
Wilson: Oh, yes, indeedy. I was a holy terror.
Jill: What could you have possibly done?
Wilson: Well, I'm afraid to admit it, but when I was in high school, I was playing chess with my father... and he had me hopelessly cornered. And I, being the incorrigible rebel, refused to concede defeat.
Jill: And I thought Brad was bad.
Wilson: It gets worse. So for punishment, he sent me up to my room and instead, I snuck out a window, across the state line and went to a Monet exhibit.
Jill: You were a wild one.
Wilson: Oh, yes, I was. And look how normal I turned out.