Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The First Temptation of Tim’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The First Temptation of Tim

502. The First Temptation of Tim

Aired September 26, 1995

The new owner of Binford Tools, Bud Harper (Charlie Robinson), wants to Tool Time national, but only if Tim fires Al.

Quote from Bud

Tim: Bud, I-I can't do Tool Time without Al. Everybody loves Al.
Bud: Oh, no, no, no, not everybody. Now, we did some audience testing and the numbers show that Al is a big dud with the younger viewers.
Tim: I don't put much stock in audience testing.
Bud: Well, now, you tested through the roof.
Tim: On the other hand, it's quite a valuable tool.
Bud: Oh, audiences love you. Of course, they don't love you as much as they love Heidi.
Tim: Yeah, that's funny. You're not kidding? Heidi tested better than me?
Bud: Heidi tested better than Santa Claus.

Rate

Quote from Delores

Tim: [to Bud] I've been together with Al for six years, though.
Delores: OK, you've got 14 plates of potatoes coming.
Tim: That's... That's just great, Delores.
Delores: OK, I've got hash browns, home fries or O'Briens.
Tim: Am I your only customer?
Delores: No, but you're my favorite.

Quote from Al

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and you all know my assistant Al "Next Time Light a Match" Borland.
Al: Well, today we're introducing a brand-new segment right here on Tool Time.
Tim: That's right, it's called "The Unsung Heroes of the Job Site."
Al: [sings along with jingle] He gets no thanks and that ain't right He's an unsung hero of the job site.

Quote from Tim

Jill: It's the first day of school! No one ever gets detention on the first day of school.
Tim: I wouldn't say no one.
Jill: What did you do?
Tim: Nothing! Bruce Tyler was throwing spit wads at me. I had to do something.
Jill: I meant Brad. What did you do to get detention?
Brad: Nothing.
Jill: I see. So this is just one of those "Come and get to know the other delinquents" sort of thing?
Brad: Look, I told you, OK? I didn't do anything.
Jill: You believe that?
Tim: It's terrible. Teachers are still giving detention for nothing.

Quote from Jill

Al: Oh, I knew breakfast was a bad idea.
Jill: Well, it's not always bad. It depends on what he orders. If he orders breakfast, you're fine. But if he just orders coffee, he wants to get out fast, and you're history.
Tim: Where did you come up with that theory?
Jill: [sighs] When I worked as a cashier in high school, I got fired over coffee. When I was fired from the bookstore, coffee. When I was fired from the diner, coffee to go.
Tim: Have you ever kept a job?

Quote from Bud

Bud: Uh, now, Tim. I need to talk to you about your show. I had my people study the ratings and I don't like what they told me.
Tim: Well, can I call you Bud?
Bud: Absolutely.
Tim: You shouldn't listen to what your people say because my people give me the wrong information all the time.
Bud: According to my people, you don't have people.

Quote from Delores

Delores: OK, here are your egg dishes.
Tim: Oh, it's great, Delores.
Delores: Your hot cereals and breakfast meats will be out in a minute.
Tim: Okay. [to Bud] You know, I'm really adamant about this with Al. I have to...
Delores: Your get choice of bacon, ham or sausage.
Tim: Sausage. [to Bud] The reason I think Al...
Delores: Links or patties?
Tim: Links, please. The first...
Delores: Mild or spicy?
Tim: Just surprise me!
[Delores straightens a plate on the table and then walks off in a huff]

Quote from Bud

Tim: Um, I don't care much about your testing, really, because Al is a big hit with the seniors, okay. You go to any early-bird special in this city, you hear people talking about Al Borland.
Bud: Yeah, but that's the problem. The senior crowd has already bought their tools. We need new viewers who are hip, not viewers who need a new hip.

Quote from Bud

Bud: Tim, listen to me, I'm giving you the chance of a lifetime. You can make a lot more money and be a star. Look, I want you to go toe-to-toe with Bob Vila and crush him like a bug.
Tim: [grunting] Crush him like a bug. More coffee!
Bud: Yeah. You like that, don't you?
Tim: Yeah, crush him like a bug.
Bud: Yeah.
Tim: Yeah!
Bud: Then you know what you gotta do?
Tim: Yeah! What?
Bud: Fire Al.
Tim: You want me to fire Al?
Bud: Well, I can't do it. My grandmother loves Al.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, Jill, if it's any consolation to you, I myself was quite the rapscallion when I was Brad's age.
Jill: That's hard to believe.
Wilson: Oh, yes, indeedy. I was a holy terror.
Jill: What could you have possibly done?
Wilson: Well, I'm afraid to admit it, but when I was in high school, I was playing chess with my father... and he had me hopelessly cornered. And I, being the incorrigible rebel, refused to concede defeat.
Jill: And I thought Brad was bad.
Wilson: It gets worse. So for punishment, he sent me up to my room and instead, I snuck out a window, across the state line and went to a Monet exhibit.
Jill: You were a wild one.
Wilson: Oh, yes, I was. And look how normal I turned out.

Quote from Tim

Bud: Al, listen, it's nothing personal. I just don't think your style is right for the show.
Tim: Wait a minute. I think you're wrong. I mean, is this man boring? Yes. Is he dull beyond belief? You bet. A fashion nightmare? Tell me somethin' I don't know! Anybody can be hip or exciting. One man dares to be dull. One man has the courage to be monotonous, tedious and uninteresting. That man is Al Borland.
Al: Thank you, Tim.
Tim: It's the interplay between us that makes the show popular.
Bud: Well, Tim, I respect your opinion, but it's just your opinion and it's my money.
Al: Well, Tim is not interested in your money.
Tim: Shut up, Al.

Quote from Tim

Bud: I've always loved Binford Tools.
Tim: Yeah?
Bud: Yeah. I think Tool Time is a great show.
Tim: You do?
Bud: That's right. And together we can break out of the local market and take it national.
Tim: Yeah. You mean, like, all over Michigan?
Bud: No, no, no. Like, all over the country.

Quote from Brad

Jill: Where were you? You were supposed to be back from school an hour ago.
Brad: I stayed late. I just wanted to soak up some extra knowledge.
Jill: By any chance, were you soaking up that extra knowledge in detention?
Brad: Hey. Knowledge is knowledge.

Quote from Tim

Tim: [on the phone] Yes. Uh-huh. Sure. Breakfast would be fine. I get up pretty... He wants to have breakfast at 6am? Sure, I'll just move my lunch to 9:30.

Quote from Tim

Bud: I plan to sink major dollars into this show. Build new sets.
Tim: Yeah!
Bud: We'll start out at ten new markets...
Tim: Yes!
Bud: ...and as the show becomes more profitable, your salary will be commensurate.
Tim: Oh, boy. There's always a catch, isn't there?
Bud: You'll make more money.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, that commensurate. Yeah!

Quote from Tim

Al: You know, when people think about construction, they always think about the glory jobs.
Tim: Yeah, your dry wallers, your backhoers, your trench diggers. What about the guys who don't get any glory?
Al: Yeah. What about us?
Tim: I said "unsung heroes," not "unsung zeroes."

Quote from Tim

Tim: Today we're going to meet the man who services these bad boys. If you think your job stinks, wait till you meet this guy. Premier Porta-Potti popper Frank Dougan. Come on out, Frank.
Frank: How you doin', Tim? [Tim doesn't shake Frank's hand] I get that a lot, you know. [Frank puts his hand on Tim's shoulder]
Tim: Aw, man. Aw, thanks. So, Frank, how did you get in the Porta-Potti business?
Frank: Well, you know, I just kind of fell into it.
Al: So, Frank, you wanna tell us how you keep these maintained?
Frank: Oh, you betcha, Al. You know, what I got is, I got me a big old 20-foot suction hose and I got that sucker hooked up to my pumper truck and on the back I got an 800-gallon tank.
Al: 800?
Frank: Yeah.
Tim: [grunts] You got it made, boy. Good job, huge hose and a big truck.
Frank: Well, that's true, Tim, but you know, there's one thing I don't get: Respect. You know, people walk up to one of these Porta-Potties and they look at it and they stand there and they say... "I'll wait."
Tim: That's gotta hurt, too. I like Porta-Potties. I like these things. I wish I had one next to my couch in the living room. During football season, I'd never have to leave the room.
Al: 'Course, everyone else would.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Frank, why don't you tell us all about this 35-gallon polyurethane bad boy.
Frank: Oh, you bet. [enters the Porta-Potti] Well, Tim, as you can see, it's very spacious, totally clean, it'll accommodate either one of your sexes - most importantly of all, perfectly private. [closes door]
Tim: There's a man who takes pride in his work. Glorifies his job.
Al: Truly the unsung hero of the job site.
Tim: All right, Frank, come on out and show us how you move these job site to job site. [knocks] Frank.
Frank: [o.s.] Uh, Tim, it's gonna be about another minute. [Tim and Al step away from the Porta-Potti]
Al: [sings along with jingle] He gets no thanks and that ain't right He's an unsung hero of the job site

Quote from Tim

Al: So did you hear the news? Binford has officially been sold.
Tim: All right. Who was the mystery buyer?
Al: Some guy by the name of Bud Harper.
Tim: Why do I know that name?
Jill: When I was working at the magazine, we did a cover story on him.
Tim: No, I never read the magazine.

Quote from Tim

Delores: What can I get you guys?
Tim: Big breakfast. Have a big one, a big breakfast. Uh... Eggs, pancakes, toast, breakfast meats - the whole left side of the menu. Same for you Bud?
Bud: Oh, no, no. Just coffee for me.
Tim: Oh, no. Oh, no. You gotta have breakfast. It is the foundation meal of the whole day.
Bud: No, just coffee.
Tim: A lot of coffee. Bring a whole bunch of coffee.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode