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Home Improvement: Wilson's World

617. Wilson's World

Aired February 18, 1997

After Wilson receives a negative review for a one-man play about his unusual life, he tries to emulate the common man.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: I had been living with the Mara Masai tribe for six months. But I had been unable to engage their aged chief in conversation. I had all but given up hope, until suddenly I was summoned to his death bed, where he whispered in my ear the words I'll never forget. [speaks foreign language] Which, roughly translated, meant "Hidy-ho, neighbor."
Jill: So that's where he got it.
Wilson: And then we did the dance of death because the chief had died. [chanting in foreign language]
Tim: I think we know what killed him.

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Quote from Tim

Wilson: I mean, have you ever been hammered by a reviewer?
Tim: Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Wilson: Well, how can you not take it personally?
Tim: Hmm. Hmm. I'm reminded of one of the greatest entertainers of all time: Sammy Davis, Jr. He said, "I gotta be me."
Wilson: To think I've spent my entire life studying the Greek philosophers and it all comes down to Sammy.
Tim: When it comes to wisdom, there's nobody like the Candy Man.
Wilson: Tim, I want to thank you for not bailing out on me.
Tim: [imitating Sammy Davis, Jr.] Oh, man! Don't change, baby. I love you the way you are, man. I dig you, cat. I mean, cat, can you feel the love in this room? It's thicker than clam chowder, baby.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Boy, smells good! What are you cooking? Bison sausage? Yakwurst?
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. Just good old American sausage. My strange food days are over.
Tim: And mine have just begun.
Wilson: Well, you've had practice living the human experience. Me, I've gotta get down off my mountain top and join the real world.
Tim: You read that stupid review, didn't you?
Wilson: No, no, Tim. The critic was right. I've lost all touch with what normal people do. See, Tim, I've gotta go to monster truck rallies, buy fast food from the clown. Tim, I want to learn how to crush a beer can on my head.
Tim: That's not stuff you want to do. That sounds like stuff I want to do.
Wilson: Well, I've decided that being a little bit more like you wouldn't hurt. [crushes a beer can on his head]
Tim: How do you feel now?
Wilson: I hurt.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I couldn't get any work done because Wilson came over. He said that he wants to be like everybody else. So he spent the whole day glued to our TV set.
Tim: Did he watch Tool Time?
Jill: No, I said he wants to be like everyone else.
Jill: He's just like a completely different person.
Tim: Don't worry about it. He's spent his life studying other cultures. Now he's just taking time to study ours.
Jill: Well, I hate him like this. I mean, Wilson used to be so evolved and sensitive. Now he's just turning into... you.

Quote from Benny

Al: All right. Well, why don't you start with my entree?
Benny: My pleasure. Mmm.
[Heidi holds up a sign for the audience which reads "Root beer chicken in guava oatmeal sauce"]
Benny: Savory, tangy... ...a carbonated delight. I give it an eight.
Al: Well, thank you. Thank you.
Tim: An eight? An eight! Try mine, huh? Stick your fork into this.
Benny: Ugh!
[Heidi grimaces as she holds up a sign reading "Caramel flounder with chocolate chip chutney"]
Benny: Lumpy, noxious... ...an insult to my colon. I give it a minus two.
Tim: Minus two?

Quote from Harry

Benny: Is it my imagination or is Wilson more annoying than me?
Harry: It's close.
Tim: Be patient, OK? He's just trying to be one of the guys, all right?
Harry: Well, if he doesn't stop yapping, the guys are gonna go over to my house and watch the game.
Tim: Listen to you. Rather than drink beer here and burp up nachos, you want to be home with your wife?
Harry: Well, if I said that, I didn't mean it.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Everyone knows the most important words in the kitchen for a real man are "can opener."
Al: On the contrary, I often enjoy cooking an elaborate home-cooked meal.
Tim: It's no surprise to find out the real man does just the opposite. But it might be a surprise to find out there's some very innovative chefs right here in the state of Michigan coming up with very creative combinations of food.
Al: That's right. For example, this taste-tempting beverage is a combination of two well-known ingredients. It's called "Broccoloupe."
Tim: All right, let me guess. Broccoli and antelope. This can actually graze on itself, which is interesting.
Al: This is broccoli and cantaloupe. And it's mm-mm good.

Quote from Tim

Al: You know, I have a lot of creative cooking ideas myself. I bet I could combine some unusual foods into a tasty treat.
Tim: Hmm. I bet you I could come up with kookier combinations.
Al: Well, it might be kookier, but it wouldn't be edible.
Tim: Yeah? What do you say we hone our recipes over a week and have a showdown right here on Tool Time?
Al: How does that sound to everybody? [audience applause] Well, l... I have to remind you, Tim, that I am a classically trained chef.
Tim: You don't need to be a trained chef. It's putting weird ingredients together. Any idiot could do that.
Ray: Thanks a lot!
Tim: Well, I wasn't talking about your hamburgers. These cherry burgers. We haven't taken a bite. Let's try it out.
Ray: Yeah. Dig in.
Al: Mm. Mm! Fruity, yet beefy.
Tim: Just like Al.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, hidy-ho, neighborette. Come in. To what do I owe this delightful visit?
Jill: Well, I'm an idiot. I forgot to buy salt. I need to borrow some for my chicken. Oh, and Tim needs some squid. [off Wilson's look] Oh, it's for his cooking contest... thing.
Wilson: Oh, oh, oh. Well, I never keep salt in the house. But I got squid coming out my ears.
Jill: Wilson, I don't mean to get personal or anything, but why are you wearing that?
Wilson: Well, I know it's a tad unusual, Jill. But I just love the feel of a nice terry cloth. [Jill knocks on Wilson's helmet] Oh! The helmet!
Jill: Yeah.
Wilson: This is a prop I'll be using for my upcoming show at Wayne State University.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: You're performing?
Wilson: Yes, I am, for the annual arts festival this Friday. I'll be performing at the campus coffeehouse. I'm gonna be doing a monologue on my life.
Jill: This is so perfect. I mean, your life has been so interesting. Now everybody else gets to hear about it.
Wilson: Mmm. Well, it's a little bit scary, but I'm gonna bare my soul. I'm gonna start off with my tale of a jousting injury in Scotland. I'm gonna segueway into the summer I spent observing the mating habits of the mountain gorillas.
Jill: Cocoa and Herman.
Wilson: Mm-hm.
Jill: Yeah. Nine-and-a-half weeks of monkey love.
Wilson: Jill, would you and your family like to attend? Some of the most talented artists in Detroit are gonna be there.
Jill: Well, of course. We'd love to come. Oh, you gotta remember to tell them about when you played craps with Gandhi.
Wilson: Oh, what a night. The Mahatma lost his shirt. Well, here's your squid. Tell Tim if he wants really fresh ones, I got them upstairs in the tub.

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