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‘Wilson's World’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Wilson's World

617. Wilson's World

Aired February 18, 1997

After Wilson receives a negative review for a one-man play about his unusual life, he tries to emulate the common man.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: I had been living with the Mara Masai tribe for six months. But I had been unable to engage their aged chief in conversation. I had all but given up hope, until suddenly I was summoned to his death bed, where he whispered in my ear the words I'll never forget. [speaks foreign language] Which, roughly translated, meant "Hidy-ho, neighbor."
Jill: So that's where he got it.
Wilson: And then we did the dance of death because the chief had died. [chanting in foreign language]
Tim: I think we know what killed him.

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Quote from Tim

Wilson: I mean, have you ever been hammered by a reviewer?
Tim: Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Wilson: Well, how can you not take it personally?
Tim: Hmm. Hmm. I'm reminded of one of the greatest entertainers of all time: Sammy Davis, Jr. He said, "I gotta be me."
Wilson: To think I've spent my entire life studying the Greek philosophers and it all comes down to Sammy.
Tim: When it comes to wisdom, there's nobody like the Candy Man.
Wilson: Tim, I want to thank you for not bailing out on me.
Tim: [imitating Sammy Davis, Jr.] Oh, man! Don't change, baby. I love you the way you are, man. I dig you, cat. I mean, cat, can you feel the love in this room? It's thicker than clam chowder, baby.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Boy, smells good! What are you cooking? Bison sausage? Yakwurst?
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. Just good old American sausage. My strange food days are over.
Tim: And mine have just begun.
Wilson: Well, you've had practice living the human experience. Me, I've gotta get down off my mountain top and join the real world.
Tim: You read that stupid review, didn't you?
Wilson: No, no, Tim. The critic was right. I've lost all touch with what normal people do. See, Tim, I've gotta go to monster truck rallies, buy fast food from the clown. Tim, I want to learn how to crush a beer can on my head.
Tim: That's not stuff you want to do. That sounds like stuff I want to do.
Wilson: Well, I've decided that being a little bit more like you wouldn't hurt. [crushes a beer can on his head]
Tim: How do you feel now?
Wilson: I hurt.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I couldn't get any work done because Wilson came over. He said that he wants to be like everybody else. So he spent the whole day glued to our TV set.
Tim: Did he watch Tool Time?
Jill: No, I said he wants to be like everyone else.
Jill: He's just like a completely different person.
Tim: Don't worry about it. He's spent his life studying other cultures. Now he's just taking time to study ours.
Jill: Well, I hate him like this. I mean, Wilson used to be so evolved and sensitive. Now he's just turning into... you.

Quote from Benny

Al: All right. Well, why don't you start with my entree?
Benny: My pleasure. Mmm.
[Heidi holds up a sign for the audience which reads "Root beer chicken in guava oatmeal sauce"]
Benny: Savory, tangy... ...a carbonated delight. I give it an eight.
Al: Well, thank you. Thank you.
Tim: An eight? An eight! Try mine, huh? Stick your fork into this.
Benny: Ugh!
[Heidi grimaces as she holds up a sign reading "Caramel flounder with chocolate chip chutney"]
Benny: Lumpy, noxious... ...an insult to my colon. I give it a minus two.
Tim: Minus two?

Quote from Harry

Benny: Is it my imagination or is Wilson more annoying than me?
Harry: It's close.
Tim: Be patient, OK? He's just trying to be one of the guys, all right?
Harry: Well, if he doesn't stop yapping, the guys are gonna go over to my house and watch the game.
Tim: Listen to you. Rather than drink beer here and burp up nachos, you want to be home with your wife?
Harry: Well, if I said that, I didn't mean it.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Everyone knows the most important words in the kitchen for a real man are "can opener."
Al: On the contrary, I often enjoy cooking an elaborate home-cooked meal.
Tim: It's no surprise to find out the real man does just the opposite. But it might be a surprise to find out there's some very innovative chefs right here in the state of Michigan coming up with very creative combinations of food.
Al: That's right. For example, this taste-tempting beverage is a combination of two well-known ingredients. It's called "Broccoloupe."
Tim: All right, let me guess. Broccoli and antelope. This can actually graze on itself, which is interesting.
Al: This is broccoli and cantaloupe. And it's mm-mm good.

Quote from Tim

Al: You know, I have a lot of creative cooking ideas myself. I bet I could combine some unusual foods into a tasty treat.
Tim: Hmm. I bet you I could come up with kookier combinations.
Al: Well, it might be kookier, but it wouldn't be edible.
Tim: Yeah? What do you say we hone our recipes over a week and have a showdown right here on Tool Time?
Al: How does that sound to everybody? [audience applause] Well, l... I have to remind you, Tim, that I am a classically trained chef.
Tim: You don't need to be a trained chef. It's putting weird ingredients together. Any idiot could do that.
Ray: Thanks a lot!
Tim: Well, I wasn't talking about your hamburgers. These cherry burgers. We haven't taken a bite. Let's try it out.
Ray: Yeah. Dig in.
Al: Mm. Mm! Fruity, yet beefy.
Tim: Just like Al.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, hidy-ho, neighborette. Come in. To what do I owe this delightful visit?
Jill: Well, I'm an idiot. I forgot to buy salt. I need to borrow some for my chicken. Oh, and Tim needs some squid. [off Wilson's look] Oh, it's for his cooking contest... thing.
Wilson: Oh, oh, oh. Well, I never keep salt in the house. But I got squid coming out my ears.
Jill: Wilson, I don't mean to get personal or anything, but why are you wearing that?
Wilson: Well, I know it's a tad unusual, Jill. But I just love the feel of a nice terry cloth. [Jill knocks on Wilson's helmet] Oh! The helmet!
Jill: Yeah.
Wilson: This is a prop I'll be using for my upcoming show at Wayne State University.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: You're performing?
Wilson: Yes, I am, for the annual arts festival this Friday. I'll be performing at the campus coffeehouse. I'm gonna be doing a monologue on my life.
Jill: This is so perfect. I mean, your life has been so interesting. Now everybody else gets to hear about it.
Wilson: Mmm. Well, it's a little bit scary, but I'm gonna bare my soul. I'm gonna start off with my tale of a jousting injury in Scotland. I'm gonna segueway into the summer I spent observing the mating habits of the mountain gorillas.
Jill: Cocoa and Herman.
Wilson: Mm-hm.
Jill: Yeah. Nine-and-a-half weeks of monkey love.
Wilson: Jill, would you and your family like to attend? Some of the most talented artists in Detroit are gonna be there.
Jill: Well, of course. We'd love to come. Oh, you gotta remember to tell them about when you played craps with Gandhi.
Wilson: Oh, what a night. The Mahatma lost his shirt. Well, here's your squid. Tell Tim if he wants really fresh ones, I got them upstairs in the tub.

Quote from Randy

Stuart: Attention, everyone. The Campus Cafe Arts Festival will now begin with our hostess, Elzina Harris, who will inspire us with her life-affirming poetry.
Elzina: Die. Die! Die! Go on, die!
Randy: You first.

Quote from Tim

Stuart: And now the country folk stylings of Rambling Andy Koplowitz.
Andy: [plays guitar and sings] When it's peach-picking time in Georgia It's apple-picking time in Tennessee It's cotton-picking time in Mississippi And everybody picks on me
Tim: Why do you suppose that is, Andy?
Andy: [yodeling]
Brad: Sounds like Dad when he gets hit in the groin.

Quote from Tim

Mark: What are they doing?
Jill: It's supposed to symbolize trying to get out of the womb.
Tim: You back off or I'll break your water!

Quote from Wilson

Stuart: And now an insightful monologue from an exciting newcomer. I met him here when I took his class on Celtic mythology. Give it up for... Wilson. [applause]
Wilson: Good evening. My name is Wilson. And I've been told I've led an unusual life. Tonight I'd like to share my journey. So, come along, won't you? [bagpipes play] The year is 1962. The place, the misty moors of Scotland.
Jill: This is good. Now, he is just a natural.
Randy: Yeah. Well, anything beats a dancing bag.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, yuck! It stinks. What disgusting concoction have you come up with now?
Tim: I reheated the pancakes you made yesterday.
Jill: They smell because you've had them in the fridge next to weird foods you're making for the contest. Oh, my God! What is that?
Tim: It's chicken with banana drumsticks.

Quote from Tim

Mark: Hi, guys. The paper came and they reviewed last night's show.
Jill: Oh, good. Let me see it. "The Performing Arts Festival opens at the Campus Cafe. Who couldn't help but love Elzina Harris's poem, Die, Die, Die?"
Tim: l! l! l!

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, wait till you hear what he says about the bag dancers. "The best fabric choreography I've seen anywhere, bar none. The only low point of the evening was the meaningless meandering of a pompous performance artist named Wilson."
Mark: What?
Jill: "These were obviously the words of a man completely out of touch with reality. One wonders if Wilson has ever stepped off his mountain top to go to a movie, a convenience store or a sporting event. If he wants to illuminate the human experience, he should try living it like the rest of us." He's gonna be devastated.
Tim: Let me see that. This critic doesn't know anything. This is the same guy who panned Tool Time. He said I was juvenile.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Hey, guys! What are you doing with that stuff?
Wilson: Attention, Value Club shoppers. I have just discovered the joy of buying in bulk.
Brad: Wilson practically bought out the entire store.
Mark: He bought a gross of toilet paper.
Wilson: Ah! And I brought you some.
Tim: Oh, that's three-ply. We couldn't possibly accept that.
Wilson: Well, I insist. You know, I never realized how much easier it is to buy toilet paper than make it.
Jill: But you love making toilet paper.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Thank you, everybody. What a nice crowd you are. Welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And, of course, you all know my side dish, Al Borland. [applause]
Al: Thank you.
Tim: Well, we are happy as a bunch of clams, pleased as punch to welcome you to Tool Time's first Creative Cook-off.
Al: Let's have a warm welcome to our impartial judge, Benny Baroni. [audience cheers] Well, are you ready to judge our creative concoctions?
Benny: Yes, Al. I just cleansed my palate with a light sherbet.
Al: OK. Well, the scoring will range from one to ten, ten being a great dish.
Tim: And one for anything that requires a stomach pump.
Benny: I'm familiar with the rules.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Let's face it. [sighs] I'm never gonna be one of the guys. I'm just gonna be hopelessly pompous and out of touch with reality.
Tim: It's about that review again, isn't it? He didn't know what he was talking about. A lot of people liked your show.
Wilson: But Tim, you don't understand. He didn't just criticize my show, he criticized my life, who I am.
Tim: Aw, come on, Wilson! I've known you what, 15 years? And sure you're a little different, you know. But you've always been really comfortable with who you are. Huh?
Wilson: Well, just up until that review, I thought my idiosyncrasies had some value.
Tim: Well, they do have value. You know, what happened here is you went out on a limb. You put your life on the line, the battle zone. You're on the stage. You gave it your all. And, you know, so what? You got hammered.
Wilson: You ever been hammered on Tool Time?
Tim: Well, this once I got too close to some shellac and...

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