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‘Let Them Eat Cake’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Let Them Eat Cake

506. Let Them Eat Cake

Aired October 31, 1995

While Tim and Jill attend the Cable Awards on Halloween, Brad and his friend Jason (Jarrad Paul) throw a house party.

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: I got the expense report. You might wanna look at this before it goes to the boss.
Tim: Why do I want to look at it?
Heidi: Well, check out page two, under the heading, "Things Tim Broke."
Tim: Porta-Potti, 500 bucks. Mm, not bad. Plate-glass window, 275. Fuse and circuit breakers, 150 bucks? Look, do me a big favor. You know that Binford paper shredder?
Heidi: Mm-hmm.
Tim: Why don't you be a good friend and run this through that?
Heidi: Well, I can't. You broke it. 800 bucks.
Tim: Well, why don't you help me out here and find something that I haven't broken and hide it in there.

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Quote from Al

Tim: Um... It's hard to say how much thanks we have from everybody at Tool Time, which, of course, is a... a... a show that is a metaphor for how we live our lives in the '90s. I want to thank... everybody from Binford Tools. I want to thank Heidi, of course. My crew, if they can hear me out at the bar! My three boys for inspiration. And who am I missing? Um...
Jill: Your wife.
Tim: My wife. I'm sorry. And most of all, this man next to me, Al Borland, whose professionalism and class and dignity has been an inspiration to many of us.
Al: [in a mouse costume] Thank you, Tim. I, uh... Well, I just want to say that... that this proves that dreams really can come true. When I started out in this business... well, l... I lived in a hole in the wall. But... Well, I want to say did I give up? Did I run away with my tail between my legs? No! No! I went on...
Tim: And on, and on, and on. From both of us, thanks very much. And good night.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Where's Brad?
Tim: Oh. He's out raking the yard. Then I'm gonna have him clean the attic.
Jill: You think he's actually gonna learn anything from all of this?
Tim: When you did something wrong and your parents punished you, did you learn?
Jill: No. Except to try harder not to get caught.
Tim: Yeah. Same with me. This is the point in my life my mother was waiting for. [feminine voice] One day I hope you have a little boy just like you!
Jill: My mom said the exact same thing. I can't believe it's actually come true.
Tim: So what do we do?
Jill: I guess we just keep trying to be the best parents we can be, have a little faith... hope that someday he has a kid just like him.

Quote from Brad

Brad: You're not gonna tell my parents, are you, Wilson?
Wilson: Oh, Brad, Brad, Brad. You put me in such a quandary. On the one hand, is it a neighbor's place to get his friend's son in trouble? On the other hand, I'm reminded of the Roman Quintus Horatius Flaccus, who said: "For it is your business if your neighbor's wall catches fire."
Brad: Yeah, but what about the words of a great American, Mister Rogers? He said: "Won't you be my neighbor?"
Wilson: Hm. Hm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, hm-hm.

Quote from Brad

Brad: [phone rings] Hey! Everybody, quiet! Parents alert! [answers phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Mom. Yeah, everything's fine.
Paige: Jason! Stop tickling me!
Brad: [on the phone] No, Mom. That was me. I don't know. Jason's a tickler. Yeah, everything's fine. Have a great time and don't worry about us. All right. Bye. [hangs up]
Bridget: Your parents aren't coming home early?
Brad: No, no. My mom was just calling and asking about my little brother's pus.
Bridget: My Little Brother's Pus. I love that band.

Quote from Tim

Irma: So, who's looking forward to tonight's Cable Awards?
Tim: Well, since you win everything every year, I'm guessing you.
Irma: [chuckles] I do expect a statue or two for my special "21 Things You Can Do With A Squash."
Tim: I can think of one more.
Irma: Oh, Tim. You're such a little scallion. Well, I'll see you tonight, boys. Bye-bye.
Al: Bye.
Tim: Sometimes that woman really steams my rutabagas.

Quote from Tim

Tim: There's no point in going to the awards show. The judges just don't go for family tool shows. They go for those highbrow, urban, cappuccino/radicchio shows.
Al: May I remind you that we've done some excellent episodes? Pick any show from "Stucco Week."
Tim: That's powerful television.
Al: That's right. And who wasn't moved by our "Salute to Toilets"?
Tim: We had the audience sitting on the edge of their seats.
Al: Yeah. We deserve to be there.
Tim: That's right. We do. Because we do quality television.
Al: That's right.
Tim: I mean, how many shows teach people how to use stuff like this? [knocks a stage light down]

Quote from Tim

Jason: Hi. I'm Jason.
Jill: Nice to meet you, Jason.
Jason: Nice to meet you.
Tim: How you doin'?
Jason: Tool Time is my favorite show.
Tim: Yeah, right. Brad tells me kids your age don't watch it.
Jason: Yeah, well, I'm a year older than Brad, sir. I know that Tool Time isn't just about tools. It's a metaphor for how we live in the '90s.
Tim: It is... it is... Yes. Yeah, it is. I like this kid.

Quote from Tim

Brad: I don't want to ruin my whole night baby-sitting Mark.
Tim: Come on, Brad. Don't be selfish. Help me out here.
Jason: Brad, it's no big deal. We can hang out here and watch TV. Hey, Mr. Taylor, are the Cable Awards being televised?
Tim: Absolutely. Channel 87 are pre-empting all their programming.
Jill: Which consists of an infomercial and test pattern.
Jason: You are funny! I bet you could have your own show, too.
Jill: I bet you could run for office.
Tim: It might not be a bad thing to have a tool man in the White House. Maybe fix what's wrong with this country. Stick with it, young man.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Great. Why'd you tell them we'd stay here alone?
Jason: Brad, let me do the math for you. No parents, plus you and Senator Jason... equals party!
Brad: My parents would kill me if they found out I had a party.
Jason: Brad, I know you're just a measly freshman, but stick with me and you'll be a measly freshman who threw one great party. And wait till you meet my friends, Page and Bridgett. Hello!
Brad: You're starting to make a lot of sense, Senator.

Quote from Mark

Mark: My ear hurts. I think I have pus.
Jason: You're fine.
Mark: How would you know?
Jason: I'm a doctor.
Mark: You're in high school.
Jason: I see patients during recess.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What is it - Mark?
Jill: No, Mark's fine. I'm just worried about what else may be going on at the house.
Tim: What else is going on there?
Jill: Well... There was a lot of noise. And Jason was tickling Brad. Maybe we should go home.
Tim: If Jason's tickling Brad, I don't want to go home.
Jill: I just don't like that Jason. He's just too smooth.
Tim: He's a good kid. If it weren't for him, Brad wouldn't be glued to the TV right now. [to the camera] Hey, Brad! Hey. Brad! How are you doing?

Quote from Tim

Announcer: And now the award for the best show. The nominees are Knitting with Norm for his special on Japanese sweaters: "Tora! Tora! It's Angora!" Cooking with Irma for her Christmas special, "Home for the Hollandaise."
Tim: I can't take any more of this. Let's just go. Come on.
Announcer: And Tool Time for their salute to engines, "I Shoulda Had a V-8." And the winner is... Tool Time!
Jill: Tool Time!
Tim: We won! Al, get out of the bathroom! We won Best Show!
Al: [wearing a mouse costume] It's about time someone took us seriously. Ilene! We won!
Irma: [dressed as cheese] Oh, you did? Congratulations... Oh!
Tim: Come on, Fur Ball. Let's go get our award.
Al: I can't go up there looking like this!
Tim: What are you - a man or a mouse? Come on, buddy!
Al: [to Irma] Well, I guess you feel pretty silly right about now.

Quote from Wilson

Boy: Hey, Brad. Who's the guy with the pumpkin on his head? [Wilson waves]
Brad: A guy who can get me in a lot of trouble if he tells my parents. I'll be back. [goes outside] Hey, Wilson. How's it going?
Randy: [thrown across the lawn] I'm gonna get you for this, Brad.
Brad: [to Wilson] I thought you went to a Halloween party.
Wilson: Well, actually, I got back about a half an hour ago. Seems you're having quite a party over there.
Brad: Actually, it's not a party. I just had a few friends over.
Wilson: Hmm. Last time I counted, it was 37. [a boy a girl get up from the ground] Ah! 39.
Brad: You saw the whole thing?
Wilson: Actually, Brad, I heard it. And I must admit the melodic appeal of Bloated Jellyfish escapes me. You see, I find them quite derivative of My Little Brother's Pus.

Quote from Tim

Jill: All right. Let's go back to the beginning. Was this Jason's or your idea?
Tim: It couldn't have been Jason's. He's a Tool Time fan, and they know the difference between right and wrong.
Jill: Have you not figured out yet that that kid was conning you the whole time?
Tim: Tool Time fans don't con.
Jill: He's not a Tool Time fan!

Quote from Tim

Jason: Mr. Taylor! Hi. Page and I are just in here looking for the... vacuum. Is this where you keep it?
Tim: Get out here, Jason. I want the truth and I want it right now. One chance to come clean. Are you or are you not a Tool Time fan?
Jason: I've never seen the show in my life.
Tim: [imitates Tin Man] Now I know I have a heart because it's broken.

Quote from Tim

Al: "And here we have the complete line of Binford pruners... the complete line of Binford power pruners..."
Tim: What are you doing?
Al: I'm rehearsing. "The complete line of Binford's..." It's in the script. Look.
Tim: Yeah, OK. [cuts up the script with a pruner] Are we demonstrating the extended version?
Al: We are not! If you'd read the script, you would know that.
Tim: How am I supposed to I read the script? It's in pieces.

Quote from Randy

Mark: Why can't I go trick-or-treating tonight?
Jill: 'Cause you have a fever and an ear infection.
Mark: But how am I gonna get any candy?
Jill: Well, when Randy goes out, he can just ask for extra candy for his sick brother.
Randy: Mom... I try that every year. It never works.
Jill: I'll give you a note.
Randy: Oh, won't I be cool?

Quote from Tim

Announcer: And the winner for Best Achievement in Sound is... No surprise here. Cooking with Irma!
Tim: How on Earth does she win for "Sound"? What kind of sound does a baked chicken make?
Jill: [clucking] [choking]
Irma: Thank you, thank you, thank you. This award makes 13. Or, as we like to say in my business, a baker's dozen. [laughs]
Tim: I'll tell you, that woman really just ticks me... [to Irma] Congratulations!

Quote from Tim

Ilene: You know, Tim, you have to admit her shows are good. She did that fabulous series on desserts.
Jill: Did you see the two-parter on the chiffon cake with raspberry sauce?
Irma: Yes! Weren't you dying?
Tim: [taps glass] Excuse me. Got a minute?
Irma: Sorry, Tim.
Tim: What table are we sitting at? The "I love Irma" table is right over there.
Heidi: Sorry, Tim.

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