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‘Pump You Up’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Pump You Up

704. Pump You Up

Aired October 14, 1997

After a college scout shows an interest in Brad for a soccer scholarship, Tim becomes his personal trainer and pushes him hard. Meanwhile, Randy and Lauren try to avoid an annoying couple at school.

Quote from Al

Tim: Is, um, fitness a big deal at K&B Construction?
Rock: Ah, it's job one, Timmy. According to researchers at K&B R&D, being in shape can help prevent injuries at the workplace.
Al: Well, the only way I can prevent injuries in our workplace is if Tim calls in sick.
Dwayne: That's a good one, Al!

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Quote from Jill

Tim: What is with him? Where did he get the idea I'd approve of him disobeying coach?
Jill: I don't know. Maybe it had something to do with "Brad, you're awesome." "Brad, you're the bomb." "I can't hear you!"
Tim: Oh! You're blaming this on me?
Jill: No, I'm not just blaming you. I'm blaming every man who thinks sports are the only thing that matters in the whole world. I blame the press for writing about winners. I blame the networks for making every game seem like life and death. I blame the advertisers who only care about selling beer and $200 sneakers.
Tim: You're a rather angry woman, aren't you?

Quote from Jill

Jill: Randy, it's not really nice to duck people.
Randy: Oh, well, you would know, being one of the all-time great couple-duckers.
Jill: Me? I am not a couple-ducker.
Randy: Oh, come on, Mom! Remember the Goodmans? I mean, for a month we couldn't turn on our lights so they wouldn't know we were back from vacation.
Lauren: We don't know what to do, Mrs. Taylor. We're desperate.
Jill: Now, I don't really condone this. But if you have to avoid somebody, here's what you do. Whenever they want to get together, be agreeable but vague. Use phrases like, uh, "after the holidays" or "when things settle down." Oh, and if you ever run into them unexpectedly, be sure that you always have some emergency you have to deal with.
Randy: With this family, you don't even have to make that up.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, Tim, my father and I went through the same thing together.
Tim: You played soccer?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, no. Bagpipes. You know, Tim, I was quite a prodigy, but my father used to pressure me to practice five hours a day. And that pressure brought on one of the darkest days of my life. Tim, at the Saint Patrick's Day Parade, I showboated. Without shame, I drowned out the entire All-City Leprechaun Choir.
Tim: That reminds me of the time-
Wilson: Tim, we're talking about me.
Tim: Sorry.
Wilson: My father realized that his badgering was partly the cause of my behavior.
Tim: What did he do about it?
Wilson: Well, he lightened up. Said, "Do your best. If you're not the greatest bagpipe player in the world, it's OK." Oh, Tim, I felt so much better. I sat right down. I wrote a letter of apology to each and every leprechaun.
Tim: Wow. Did you have to write really, really tiny?
Wilson: No, Tim. I didn't.

Quote from Tim

Tim: The reason I wanted the scholarship so bad for you is because you have great athletic ability. You know, I never played sports when I was your age.
Brad: Yeah, I know. Grandma says you stunk.
Tim: It wasn't because I stunk. It's because I wasn't interested in sports.
Brad: She said you couldn't catch a ball to save your life.
Tim: Well, it wasn't because-
Brad: She said you have two left feet.
Tim: Let me tell you something about Grandma for a minute, all right? Grandma, great! What a role model! Threw like a girl all the time! And oh, oh, oh! It was always passed-down clothes for me! You go out and try play sports... You try playing football in tap shoes! Try that!
Brad: Dad! Dad!
Tim: Let's just forget about Grandma!
Brad: Yeah.
Tim: And her cube steak and stewed tomato dinner for me. If I go out to football games, I couldn't even think, I had so much gas, for goodness' sake!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Oh! What a day! Huh, Mark? Mark. Mark! Mark, what are you listening to? [picks up CD] "Puss and Boots"? With their new hit single, Smell the Hell. You gotta be kidding. Nice lyrics. "I hate you. You're garbage. I'm puking. You're garbage." [removes Mark's earphone] Which reminds me, you forgot to take out the garbage.

Quote from Tim

Jill: This is great! Now remember though, you have two more years of school. You're going to have to keep that grade-point average up.
Tim: That's right. It's like when those technical schools were romancing me, I didn't want to let my grades go down.
Jill: They couldn't go down.

Quote from Tim

Tim: A scholarship. Do you know what that would mean?
Jill: It means he's gonna get a great education.
Tim: Oh, yeah! But with the money we'd save, I could start another hot rod.
Jill: Tim, if Brad is lucky enough to get a scholarship, we aren't gonna be buying any cars. We have two more kids times four more years of college. You do the math.
Tim: I married you so I wouldn't have to do the math.

Quote from Randy

Randy: [answers phone] Hello? [to Lauren] It's Cathy and Greg.
Lauren: [whispers] Oh, no. No.
Randy: [on the phone] Hi. Uh oh, you want to get together next Friday?
Lauren: No, no, no.
Randy: No, we can't. We're busy. What are we busy doing? [Lauren mimes cutting food] We're, uh... sawing wood.
Lauren: Dinner, Randy. Dinner.
Randy: We're sawing wood for dinner. You see, we make a table, then we eat off it.

Quote from Randy

Lauren: You ready to go to the mall?
Randy: Sure.
Jill: Oh, when are you guys gonna be back?
Randy: Oh, you know, when things settle down.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And of course you all know my assistant, Al Borland. Well, today Al and I join you for our Tool Time salute.
Tim: [audio clip] Oi! My back!
Tim: ...to fitness.

Quote from Dwayne

Tim: It's good to see you, guys.
Rock: Always great to be here, Timmy.
Tim: All right. What do you guys do to stay in shape?
Pete: Well, not as much as you might think, Tim.
Dwayne: Pete's idea of a workout is the old one-armed doughnut curl.

Quote from Pete

Pete: You know, Tim, studies have shown that hammering or any repetitive movement with the hand can cause carpal tunnel syndrome. To prevent this, my exercise program goes something like this.
[Pete breaths heavily as he opens and closes his hand]
Dwayne: Be sure to consult a physician before starting a strenuous exercise program.

Quote from Rock

Al: Well, Rock, what do you do to stay in shape?
Rock: Well, during lunch breaks, I teach Jazzercise.
Tim: [laughs] That doesn't sound too manly, Rock.
Rock: We do it 80 stories up on a steel girder.
Tim: Well, that'll put wind in your leotard.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know, Cory, there's some men out there that probably don't think women can lift the iron with the men, you know? I'm not one of them. But just for the sake of argument, do you want to go mano to womano?
Cory Everson: You want to compete against me?
Tim: Yeah.
Cory Everson: You do know I'm a professional body builder, right?
Tim: I could've gone pro, but I wanted to keep my eligibility open for the Olympics.
Rock: What event was that, Timmy? Synchronized Gluing a Board to Your Head?
Pete: I remember that!
Dwayne: Yeah! [K&B guys laugh]
Tim: Do you guys ever wonder why it's been three years since I've had you on the show?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Don't you think you're being a little hard on him?
Tim: He loves this stuff. Keep your knees up!
Jill: Look, soccer has always been fun for him. I don't want you working him to death and turning the whole thing into a chore.
Tim: This is the difference between you and me. You look at the glass, you say it's half empty. I look at the glass and I say... [Brad kicks a ball through the window] it's broken.

Quote from Jill

Randy: The couple we've been avoiding cornered us after school.
Lauren: Yeah. Now we've got a double-date with Cathy and Greg tonight.
Jill: What happened to all the excuses I gave you?
Randy: Shot down one by one. You know, we should've asked Dad how he ducks people.
Jill: He doesn't have to worry about it. He's the one people are ducking.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: 17, 18, 19.
Wilson: Easy there, neighbor. You might end up herniating your nucleus pulposus and end up with articulopathy.
Tim: What?
Wilson: A pain in your butt.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I want to talk about teamwork. Um, you know Barry Sanders, one of the greatest running backs alive. Not much without his offensive line. Michael Andretti, great driver. Not much without his pit crew. Uh, Michael Jordan... Bad example.

Quote from Randy

Jill: So I'm ready to go bowling. How about you guys?
Greg: You're coming with us?
Jill: Oh, I always go on all of Randy's dates. A boy needs his mother.
Randy: That's right.
Cathy: Lauren, you're OK with this?
Lauren: Yeah, I think it's great. You know, on really special occasions, his grandmother comes too.
Randy: Just me and my women.
Greg: I realized I can't go bowling.
Cathy: You can't?
Greg: I forgot my shoe inserts
Cathy: You know what, we should do this another time.
Randy: Yeah. Sometime after the holidays.
Lauren: When things settle down.

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