Tim: Is, um, fitness a big deal at K&B Construction?
Rock: Ah, it's job one, Timmy. According to researchers at K&B R&D, being in shape can help prevent injuries at the workplace.
Al: Well, the only way I can prevent injuries in our workplace is if Tim calls in sick.
Dwayne: That's a good one, Al!

Tim: What is with him? Where did he get the idea I'd approve of him disobeying coach?
Jill: I don't know. Maybe it had something to do with "Brad, you're awesome." "Brad, you're the bomb." "I can't hear you!"
Tim: Oh! You're blaming this on me?
Jill: No, I'm not just blaming you. I'm blaming every man who thinks sports are the only thing that matters in the whole world. I blame the press for writing about winners. I blame the networks for making every game seem like life and death. I blame the advertisers who only care about selling beer and $200 sneakers.
Tim: You're a rather angry woman, aren't you?

Jill: Randy, it's not really nice to duck people.
Randy: Oh, well, you would know, being one of the all-time great couple-duckers.
Jill: Me? I am not a couple-ducker.
Randy: Oh, come on, Mom! Remember the Goodmans? I mean, for a month we couldn't turn on our lights so they wouldn't know we were back from vacation.
Lauren: We don't know what to do, Mrs. Taylor. We're desperate.
Jill: Now, I don't really condone this. But if you have to avoid somebody, here's what you do. Whenever they want to get together, be agreeable but vague. Use phrases like, uh, "after the holidays" or "when things settle down." Oh, and if you ever run into them unexpectedly, be sure that you always have some emergency you have to deal with.
Randy: With this family, you don't even have to make that up.

Wilson: You know, Tim, my father and I went through the same thing together.
Tim: You played soccer?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, no. Bagpipes. You know, Tim, I was quite a prodigy, but my father used to pressure me to practice five hours a day. And that pressure brought on one of the darkest days of my life. Tim, at the Saint Patrick's Day Parade, I showboated. Without shame, I drowned out the entire All-City Leprechaun Choir.
Tim: That reminds me of the time-
Wilson: Tim, we're talking about me.
Tim: Sorry.
Wilson: My father realized that his badgering was partly the cause of my behavior.
Tim: What did he do about it?
Wilson: Well, he lightened up. Said, "Do your best. If you're not the greatest bagpipe player in the world, it's OK." Oh, Tim, I felt so much better. I sat right down. I wrote a letter of apology to each and every leprechaun.
Tim: Wow. Did you have to write really, really tiny?
Wilson: No, Tim. I didn't.

Tim: The reason I wanted the scholarship so bad for you is because you have great athletic ability. You know, I never played sports when I was your age.
Brad: Yeah, I know. Grandma says you stunk.
Tim: It wasn't because I stunk. It's because I wasn't interested in sports.
Brad: She said you couldn't catch a ball to save your life.
Tim: Well, it wasn't because-
Brad: She said you have two left feet.
Tim: Let me tell you something about Grandma for a minute, all right? Grandma, great! What a role model! Threw like a girl all the time! And oh, oh, oh! It was always passed-down clothes for me! You go out and try play sports... You try playing football in tap shoes! Try that!
Brad: Dad! Dad!
Tim: Let's just forget about Grandma!
Brad: Yeah.
Tim: And her cube steak and stewed tomato dinner for me. If I go out to football games, I couldn't even think, I had so much gas, for goodness' sake!

Tim: Oh! What a day! Huh, Mark? Mark. Mark! Mark, what are you listening to? [picks up CD] "Puss and Boots"? With their new hit single, Smell the Hell. You gotta be kidding. Nice lyrics. "I hate you. You're garbage. I'm puking. You're garbage." [removes Mark's earphone] Which reminds me, you forgot to take out the garbage.

Jill: This is great! Now remember though, you have two more years of school. You're going to have to keep that grade-point average up.
Tim: That's right. It's like when those technical schools were romancing me, I didn't want to let my grades go down.
Jill: They couldn't go down.

Tim: A scholarship. Do you know what that would mean?
Jill: It means he's gonna get a great education.
Tim: Oh, yeah! But with the money we'd save, I could start another hot rod.
Jill: Tim, if Brad is lucky enough to get a scholarship, we aren't gonna be buying any cars. We have two more kids times four more years of college. You do the math.
Tim: I married you so I wouldn't have to do the math.

Randy: [answers phone] Hello? [to Lauren] It's Cathy and Greg.
Lauren: [whispers] Oh, no. No.
Randy: [on the phone] Hi. Uh oh, you want to get together next Friday?
Lauren: No, no, no.
Randy: No, we can't. We're busy. What are we busy doing? [Lauren mimes cutting food] We're, uh... sawing wood.
Lauren: Dinner, Randy. Dinner.
Randy: We're sawing wood for dinner. You see, we make a table, then we eat off it.

Lauren: You ready to go to the mall?
Randy: Sure.
Jill: Oh, when are you guys gonna be back?
Randy: Oh, you know, when things settle down.