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‘What a Drag’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: What a Drag

716. What a Drag

Aired February 24, 1998

Tim convinces Jill to carry out a stakeout when they find a bag of marijuana in the backyard.

Quote from Al

Al: Well, hey! What's this?
Tim: What's what, Al?
Al: Looks like oregano. Does Jill keep it out here so it stays fresh?
Tim: Let me see that. It's not oregano.
Al: Tarragon?
Tim: This is marijuana.
Al: Jill cooks with marijuana?!
Tim: No, you idiot. Somebody's hiding this out here.

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Quote from Al

Al: Oh... I can't believe I touched this bag! Oh, now my prints are all over it! Oh, man!
Tim: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Calm down!
Al: You know, this makes me an accessory. I could be charged with with possession of illicit drugs!
Tim: Al, Al, Al, stop, stop! Think for a minute. You found marijuana on my property. What does that tell you?
Al: I can no longer run for political office.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Welcome to Tool Time on location. Here we are in Tim's very own backyard.
Tim & Al: [air blowing at them] It's Storm Watch '98! [Tim signals for the fan to be turned off]
Tim: Hi. I am Tim "The Weatherman" Taylor. And of course, you all know my assistant, Al "Nino" Borland.
Al: That's right. And we're here to show you how to protect your house and property from the ravages of a winter storm. [Tim makes blowing noises]
Tim: It's gonna be a long winter. Al's mom saw her shadow. Which is hard to do because she can't see her feet at this point, can she?

Quote from Al

Heidi: And later in the week, we expect a huge storm to hit our area.
Tim: [deep voice] That's right. There's a cold front cruising across the Great Plains. It's gonna collide with a northeaster out of the southwest, causing severely precipitous weather. And a small-craft advisory.
Al: In other words, it's going to be windy. Now, a storm can be devastating. But there are some precautions you can use to protect property.
Tim: That's right. Especially those living along the lakes. You want to tie down and secure anything that might cause some damage. [Al hooks a rope around Tim] The first thing... Ha ha ha ha. Gee, Al, funny as always.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Look what I found.
Jill: This is a joke, right? Is this what I think it is?
Tim: It was taped to the underside of the seat out there.
Jill: Oh, my God! It's marijuana.
Tim: That's right.
Jill: Well, do you think that this belongs to one of our boys?
Tim: Well, not unless we have a chipmunk that has glaucoma.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You never know. There's other possible explanations. This could be one of your crew members. They could have hid it there.
Tim: My crew doesn't smoke pot! You can't be high when you do a show like Tool Time. Look at the quality... [off Jill's look] precision.

Quote from Tim

Tim: We gotta face this. This is our kids.
Jill: I know. You're probably right. Oh, God! Oh, God! OK, just stay calm. We gotta think about this. Which one is it? Has any of them been acting strange?
Tim: All of them.
Jill: Have you noticed anybody eating any more than usual?
Tim: All of them.
Jill: What about smelling funny?
Tim: All of them. Well, this is it. They've formed a cartel.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Let me try the stakeout, please?
Jill: Okay. All right. If this doesn't work, we're gonna be honest with them.
Tim: And what if that doesn't work?
Jill: We grill them, shake them down. Eventually one of them will crack.
Tim: Don't say "crack."

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Well, here's some hot chocolate.
Jill: Oh, thank you, Wilson. Wilson, you're out here all the time. You ever see the kids do anything suspicious?
Wilson: I haven't ever seen a thing. I find it hard to believe that any of the boys would be experimenting with cannabis.
Tim: My boys aren't flesh eaters.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: I just don't get it. We have been so much more open with them than our parents were with us.
Wilson: We communicated with them.
Jill: We respected them.
Wilson: Where did we go wrong?
Tim: Hello? Remember the dad?
Wilson: Oh, I'm sorry, Tim, it's that just sometimes I tend to think of your children as my own.

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