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‘What a Drag’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: What a Drag

716. What a Drag

Aired February 24, 1998

Tim convinces Jill to carry out a stakeout when they find a bag of marijuana in the backyard.

Quote from Al

Al: Well, hey! What's this?
Tim: What's what, Al?
Al: Looks like oregano. Does Jill keep it out here so it stays fresh?
Tim: Let me see that. It's not oregano.
Al: Tarragon?
Tim: This is marijuana.
Al: Jill cooks with marijuana?!
Tim: No, you idiot. Somebody's hiding this out here.

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Quote from Al

Al: Oh... I can't believe I touched this bag! Oh, now my prints are all over it! Oh, man!
Tim: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Calm down!
Al: You know, this makes me an accessory. I could be charged with with possession of illicit drugs!
Tim: Al, Al, Al, stop, stop! Think for a minute. You found marijuana on my property. What does that tell you?
Al: I can no longer run for political office.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Welcome to Tool Time on location. Here we are in Tim's very own backyard.
Tim & Al: [air blowing at them] It's Storm Watch '98! [Tim signals for the fan to be turned off]
Tim: Hi. I am Tim "The Weatherman" Taylor. And of course, you all know my assistant, Al "Nino" Borland.
Al: That's right. And we're here to show you how to protect your house and property from the ravages of a winter storm. [Tim makes blowing noises]
Tim: It's gonna be a long winter. Al's mom saw her shadow. Which is hard to do because she can't see her feet at this point, can she?

Quote from Al

Heidi: And later in the week, we expect a huge storm to hit our area.
Tim: [deep voice] That's right. There's a cold front cruising across the Great Plains. It's gonna collide with a northeaster out of the southwest, causing severely precipitous weather. And a small-craft advisory.
Al: In other words, it's going to be windy. Now, a storm can be devastating. But there are some precautions you can use to protect property.
Tim: That's right. Especially those living along the lakes. You want to tie down and secure anything that might cause some damage. [Al hooks a rope around Tim] The first thing... Ha ha ha ha. Gee, Al, funny as always.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Look what I found.
Jill: This is a joke, right? Is this what I think it is?
Tim: It was taped to the underside of the seat out there.
Jill: Oh, my God! It's marijuana.
Tim: That's right.
Jill: Well, do you think that this belongs to one of our boys?
Tim: Well, not unless we have a chipmunk that has glaucoma.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You never know. There's other possible explanations. This could be one of your crew members. They could have hid it there.
Tim: My crew doesn't smoke pot! You can't be high when you do a show like Tool Time. Look at the quality... [off Jill's look] precision.

Quote from Tim

Tim: We gotta face this. This is our kids.
Jill: I know. You're probably right. Oh, God! Oh, God! OK, just stay calm. We gotta think about this. Which one is it? Has any of them been acting strange?
Tim: All of them.
Jill: Have you noticed anybody eating any more than usual?
Tim: All of them.
Jill: What about smelling funny?
Tim: All of them. Well, this is it. They've formed a cartel.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Let me try the stakeout, please?
Jill: Okay. All right. If this doesn't work, we're gonna be honest with them.
Tim: And what if that doesn't work?
Jill: We grill them, shake them down. Eventually one of them will crack.
Tim: Don't say "crack."

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Well, here's some hot chocolate.
Jill: Oh, thank you, Wilson. Wilson, you're out here all the time. You ever see the kids do anything suspicious?
Wilson: I haven't ever seen a thing. I find it hard to believe that any of the boys would be experimenting with cannabis.
Tim: My boys aren't flesh eaters.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: I just don't get it. We have been so much more open with them than our parents were with us.
Wilson: We communicated with them.
Jill: We respected them.
Wilson: Where did we go wrong?
Tim: Hello? Remember the dad?
Wilson: Oh, I'm sorry, Tim, it's that just sometimes I tend to think of your children as my own.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Look, I told you guys I was just holding it for somebody else.
Tim: What do you think, we're just a bunch of idiots? You want us to believe you're all of a sudden in the marijuana-storage business?
Jill: Is this your dope, or not?
Tim: The truth.
Brad: All right, all right. It's mine. I came to pick it up after the basketball game and I was going to take it to a party.
Tim: Well, now you're a supplier.
Brad: No, Dad. A lot of kids bring stuff.
Tim: What is it? A "pot luck"?

Quote from Tim

Tim: You telling him that you smoked pot, it's like endorsing it.
Jill: He doesn't need my endorsement. He's already doing it.
Tim: OK. OK. Tell him the truth about everything now. How about the first time we had sex? Huh? Rusty's barn dance? [hums conga music] Yeah! How about the time we cheated on our S.A.Ts?
Jill: I didn't cheat on my S.A.Ts.
Tim: Oh, rub that in my face again.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Look, I just think that being honest with Brad is our best chance of getting him to stop doing drugs. [Randy walks in] We can't-
Randy: I'm guessing you're not talking about Metamucil.
Jill: We... We caught Brad with some marijuana.
Randy: Wow.
Tim: "Wow." You smoke this stuff too, don't you?
Randy: No!
Tim: Is that a real "no" or I-don't-want-to-be-in-trouble-like-Brad- "no"?
Randy: It's a real "no".
Tim: I think we can trust him. [sniffs Randy's head]

Quote from Randy

Randy: You know, I didn't even know you smoked.
Brad: I've only done it a couple times. Come on. You've been to a ton of parties. Are you telling me you never smoked?
Randy: No! I mean, the kids who are always smoking seem so out of it. I just never pictured myself sitting in the corner, contemplating the meaning of string.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Do you think we got through to him?
Jill: I don't know. I hope so. We can reason with him, tell him horror stories all we want. But when he goes out that door, it's gonna be all up to him.
Tim: He's a good kid, though.
Jill: Yeah. I think so. God! Do you remember when the worst problem we had with Brad was toilet-training?
Tim: Well, it makes sense. Couldn't get him on the pot, now we're trying to get him off the pot.
Jill: Oh, what a miserable day!
Tim: You're telling me! First thing you know, you're crashing through a gazebo. Next thing you know, your oldest son is on drugs. Boy, I need a beer!

Quote from Tim

Jill: So Brad's not going to be driving or going to parties for two months.
Tim: We went easy 'cause he was the first one to get caught. However, the next one gets the book thrown at him.
Mark: That's not fair.
Tim: Well, no one said life was fair!
Jill: You have the benefit of learning from Brad's mistake.
Randy: You know, in some cultures it's the kid who screwed up who's expected to learn from his mistake.
Tim: Well, this isn't a fancy country like France. This is America, where one person can screw it up for everybody.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right, we've already had a very bad ice storm this year. What we want to do now to prevent further damage is to prune some of these trees.
Al: That's right. You want to cut back any rotting or dead wood.
Tim: Right. Or you can recycle that dead wood and build yourself an assistant.

Quote from Tim

Al: Now in some areas the wind is going to get as high as 60 miles per hour, so it's also a good idea to protect your windows by three-quarter-inch plywood.
Tim: [climbs a true] Hey, guys! Holy moly, guys! You oughta see this branch near Wilson's house. It's a disaster waiting to happen. It's got, uh, stress cracks in it. Big ones Very, uh very similar to the ones I got on this branch here.
[After the branch breaks beneath Tim's feet, he crashes through the gazebo]
Heidi: Tim, are you OK?
Tim: We'll be right back with some gazebo repair tips.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Look, it's Friday night. Whoever owns this is gonna want it for the weekend. So, I say my guys fix the seat. I put it back where it belongs. We go to Wilson's house. We watch the guilty party come and nab him.
Jill: I don't know. I don't like the idea of spying on my own children.
Tim: Well, there's your mistake, thinking of them as children. If we love them, we gotta think of them as potential felons.
Jill: Don't call my babies "felons."
Tim: I said "potential felons."

Quote from Tim

Tim: I don't believe this.
Jill: I don't either. It's ten degrees here.
Tim: No, no. Brad is picking his fingernail with a fork.
Jill: That's disgusting.
Tim: No, this is really disgusting. He put the fork back in the drawer.
Jill: Gross!

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