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‘The Tool Man Delivers’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Home Improvement: The Tool Man Delivers

609. The Tool Man Delivers

Aired November 19, 1996

As Tim, Jill and Heidi drive up to Saginaw for Tim to be presented with an award from the Tri-City Hot Rod Club, they get stuff in traffic and then Heidi goes into labor. [Guest star: Tom Poston]

Quote from Tim

Tim: What we're doing is something unusual. This is five-time award-winning hot rod, "The Road Rat." We're gonna reupholster.
Sparky: Beauty.
Al: All right, Sparky, what color seat would go well with this car?
Sparky: Well, wrong question here, Al. What we want to ask ourselves - is how we coordinate all of the color.
Tim: Right, you gotta think tones and tints, compromising, contrasting, complementary colors. You gotta think that way, Al.
Al: All right. What color seat would go with this purple car?
Sparky: Ooh, no, see, that's not a purple car, Al. This is fuchsia. Now, cream matches up very well with fuchsia, wouldn't you say, Tim?
Tim: Eh... How about a soft taupe? It would make the bills pop right out of the dashboard.
Sparky: Taupe, taupe, taupe. Yes. Very subtle, very simple. Yes.

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Quote from Tim

Al: Well, what about black?
Tim & Sparky: [both] Boring!
Tim: Unless it's a satin black.
Sparky: Oh, satin black. All right. If he was thinking that. Or matte. But you know the color I really want to deal with with this car?
Tim: I think I know where you're going.
Sparky: Remember, we were at the Vegas show... The hottest color at the Vegas show?
Tim & Sparky: [both] Periwinkle!
Al: We'll be back after words from Binford: tools for men who talk like men.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, see, I ran out of gas about two miles back, and I'm going to need some gas and maybe a little gas can.
Ned: Well, we like to take good care of our customers. [hands Tim a can]
Tim: Thanks. I'll be right back.
Ned: There's a $150 deposit.
Tim: $150 deposit?
Ned: We can't have people running off with our gas cans.
Tim: Is that a big problem, Ned?
Ned: No. Who'd give up $150 for a gas can?
Tim: [laughs] Uh... Do you take a credit card, Ned?
Ned: No. But we've been thinking about it.

Quote from Al

Al: [answers phone] Hello?
Tim: Hey, Al. Heidi went into labor.
Al: She joined a union?
Tim: No. She's having her baby.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Do quick inhales, steady exhale. Just like they taught you in Lamaze.
Heidi: Yeah, they didn't say it would hurt this much.
Jill: Oh, they never do. Otherwise, nobody would ever have children.

Quote from Al

Tim: [on the phone] I got a shoulder!
Wilson: They've got a shoulder.
Al: Is it a boy or a girl?
Wilson: Usually you can't tell by the shoulders.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Don't worry, honey. Everything is fine. We have everything...
Tim & Jill: [both] ...under control.
Jill: [to Tim] What do we do?
Tim: You had three boys. You should know.
Jill: Excuse me. If you remember, I was in a teensy bit of pain at the time.
Tim: All I remember is a lot of screaming and whatever sounds you were making.

Quote from Al

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man." You know this guy sitting next to me. It's Al Borland. [cheering] I'd like to continue our week-long salute... [horn sounds with Tool Time theme] ...to customizing your car.
Al: Now, if you'll notice, Tim is wearing a very unique jacket. Tim, if you'd like to take a turn... [jazz plays] Thursday night at a banquet up in Saginaw, the Tri-City Hot Rodders Club is giving Tim one of their most prestigious awards, Car Guy of the Year. [applause]
Tim: I'm not the kind of guy that likes to brag. Aw, heck. Yes, I am. I do a lot of significant things for the auto community.
Al: The Hot Rodders Club is honoring Tim for raising car consciousness.
Tim: You know, I like to build my hot rods right here on Tool Time. It's my way of giving something back.
Al: It's also your way of getting Binford to pay for the parts. And getting free labor from me. [Tim hisses]

Quote from Tim

Al: All right. Well, getting back to the show today, we'll be talking about car interiors.
Tim: That's right. Door panels, dashboards, carpets.
Al: Now, of course, the car seat is a large part of the interior.
Tim: In Al's case, the seat is a large part of the exterior.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I told you guys no golf in the house. At least not until I get the water hazard put in.

Quote from Brad

Jill: What's the matter?
Tim: No one wants to come to my banquet. So far, the only "yeses" are us, Wilson, Al, Heidi and the boys.
Jill: The boys are a "no." It's a school night.
Tim: I'm being crowned Car Guy of the Year.
Mark: Yeah. And we want to honor our father.
Jill: I'd love for you guys to go, but we're not gonna get back till 3:00 and you have to go to school the next day.
Randy: Well, we want to honor our father so much, we'd be willing to miss school the next day.
Brad: I'd be willing to honor him all week.

Quote from Jill

Tim: What's with all these excuses? No one wants to show up.
Jill: Well, honey, you can't expect people to drive two hours each way. That's four hours in a car on a weeknight.
Tim: I'd spend four hours in a car on a weeknight.
Jill: If it had a bathroom, you'd live in your car.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Scott's out of town. And I'm not driving up without him.
Tim: Doesn't matter if your husband can go. You're The Tool Girl. You can go with Jill and me.
Heidi: I don't know, Tim. I get tired early these days.
Tim: Oh, yeah. I get it. The pregnancy thing cropping up again. Yeah. First you couldn't load those sacks of cement yesterday, and now this. You don't want to pay respects to the boss who helped remodel your kitchen?
Heidi: You set my kitchen on fire.
Tim: The boss who gave you medical insurance, gave you Al's parking spot.
Heidi: OK, OK. I'll go.
Tim: That's the spirit!

Quote from Jill

Tim: Oh. It's 20 to eight. We're gonna miss the film tribute.
Jill: Film tribute?
Tim: Yeah, it's great. Tim Taylor: He's Got Gas in his Veins.
Jill: It's not the only place.

Quote from Tim

Tim: [rattling] No, no, no, no!
Heidi: What's the matter?
Tim: I don't know! I got a good idea. [ringing] Hear that hollow sound? That's the gas tank. We got no gas.
Jill: The gauge says full.
Tim: Well, the gauge is wrong. When is the last time you put gas in? I mean, mileage-wise?
Jill: Well, I don't know. I don't pay any attention to mileage. I just watch the gauge.
Tim: [grunts] You can never trust a gas gauge!
Jill: Well, I guess I know that now!
Tim: Do you realize how embarrassing this is for me? The guy with gas in his veins has got no gas in his car!

Quote from Tim

Jill: Where are you going?
Tim: There's a station about two miles back. I'm gonna go get some gas.
Jill: What's the stick for?
Tim: Protection! In case that guernsey wakes up.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: [on the phone] Hi-ho, neighbor.
Tim: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: Listen, I'm sorry about that deer. But I do have some very good animal first-aid tips. If it's too late for that, I have a very tasty recipe for venison.

Quote from Tim

Ned: The deer's dead, isn't it? You can tell me.
Tim: Nah. Um, no... That... Boy, you you look familiar. Did you ever work at the Alpena Airport?
Ned: No. That's my brother Fred. I'm Ned, the nice one.
Tim: Can I use your restroom?
Ned: Not a chance. Customers only.
Tim: Well, I am a customer. I'm gonna buy some gas from you.
Ned: Oh, good. After you pay, we can talk about the restroom.
Tim: Fred let me use his restroom.
Ned: Fred's a fool.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I might need a lift to my car if it's OK.
Ned: Well, I could give you one. But we might suddenly get busy.
Tim: And I might suddenly become a ballet dancer.
Ned: Forget it, pal. You don't have the legs.
Tim: Can I use the restroom now?
Ned: Yeah. It's over there. Unfortunately, it's out of order.
Tim: [exhales] You might've mentioned that to me before.
Ned: Why? You weren't a customer then.

Quote from Tim

Ned: Ah. Hello. I hope you enjoyed the gas.
Tim: I have no time for chitchat. I have a pregnant woman in the car.
Ned: Right next to the deer?
Tim: There is no deer!
Ned: Then maybe there's no pregnant woman.
[Heidi moans as Jill helps her into the gas station]
Ned: Deer killer!

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