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‘Fifth Anniversary’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Fifth Anniversary

321. Fifth Anniversary

Aired April 6, 1994

Tim is disappointed when Wes Davidson cuts his budget ahead of the fifth anniversary of Tool Time. Meanwhile, Jill tries to raise money for the library with a "no dinner dinner".

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Oh, and my neighbor's here up behind them. Wilson, say hi.
Wilson: Festum diem anniversarium tibi, Tim.
Tim: What?
Wilson: That means "Happy anniversary to you" in Latin. You see, Tim, the Ancient Romans...
Tim: No, no. Not now, Wilson, not now. We've got plenty of show to do here, buddy. There's a lot of ways we could celebrate our fifth anniversary. Could've gone to Indy and had some race drivers on. But Al and I decided to do something more from the heart, like the young Chinese boy that smelled his own yogurt. [Wilson shakes his head]

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Quote from Al

Tim: We started the show with a very small budget. It was just two guys with a passion for tools.
Al: And one guy who knew how to use them.
Tim: Yeah.

Quote from Tim

Tim: So I went to Binford's headquarters, in the archives, and got our first episode, and I put together a little highlight tape. Ladies and gentlemen, the birth of the tool show.
[Tool Time flashback:]
Mrs. Binford: Does everybody know what time it is? [the few people in the audience are silent until Mrs. Binford points to her apron]
Audience: Tool Time.
Mrs. Binford: That's correct. Binford Tools is happy to present your host Tom Taylor. [plays theme]
Tim: [walks out with a beard] Uh, thank you, Mrs. Binford. It's Tim Taylor. [Mrs. Binford gives him a thumbs up] All right. Well, welcome, audience, to the premiere episode of Tool Time. It's a show that celebrates men and their tools. Before we get to our project today, I'd like to bring out an assistant that we hired for me. We auditioned contractors all through the Detroit area, a lot of professional men, and this is the guy that would work for the money we offered. [chuckles] So, let's bring him out. A contractor, a master plumber and a Pisces - Albert Borland. Come on out, Albert. [a beardless Al walks out] Good to have you here.
Al: Hi.
Tim: OK. It's nice to have you here.
Al: I'm Al Borland, and I'm pleased to make your acquaintance. I'm also very honored to be part of your tool education.
Tim: It's over here, though. You would look into this camera.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Oh, you guys are doing so great. This is gonna raise a lot of money for the library.
Brad: I hate to break this to you, Mom, but you forgot to put the date on the invitations.
Jill: It's not supposed to have a date. It's a "no dinner" dinner.
Mark: What's that?
Jill: Well, it's a dinner party with no dinner and no party.
Brad: Sounds great, Mom. Put me down for five "no tickets."
Jill: I know it sounds a little confusing, but this way, the library doesn't have to buy food or rent a hall. They get to keep all the money they raise.
Brad: Well, then why do you send an invitation? Why don't you just ask for money?
Jill: 'Cause it's fun. You know, people get into it.
Randy: Cool. Tonight, I think I'll throw myself a "no homework" homework party.
Jill: Yeah, right.

Quote from Tim

Al: The Binford 6100 is available at fine hardware stores everywhere.
Tim: Remember, if your drill says "Binford," get outta the house! Tools aren't supposed to talk to you!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now we move on to the most important part of the meal - vegetables. Now, for most men, there's only two kinds of vegetables - your beans and your potatoes. I had my beans yesterday.
Al: I know.
Tim: Now, potatoes... mmm, hard to cook, 'cause when a guy wants to eat, a guy wants to eat. He can't wait for endless seconds on a microwave. That's why we've got the Binford macrowave. Three convenient power settings - "high,""really high" and "split your own atoms."
Al: Now, Tim, won't this put out a little too much radiation?
Tim: Mm, that's a good safety tip, Al. That's why we're equipped with these. Lead vests.
Al: Also useful in case Superman wants to take a peek at your underwear.
Tim: No problem there. I'm not wearing any. You don't wanna overcook a potato, so only in there a couple of seconds. Now don't look directly at the potato. [ding] Once they stop glowing, they're probably ready to eat. Grab the potatoes.
Al: All right. Hot potato! Hot potato!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Here we have our beverage center. We got beer, got root beer, Pepto-Bismol. But now we get to that main course. Ooh, yeah. And the main course in every man's meal is what?
Al: That would be meat.
Tim: The redder...
Both: The better.
Tim: The man's refrigerator - stainless-steel doors, big cubic inches. Now, what does every man dream about having in a refrigerator?
Al: That's simple, Tim. A butcher.
Tim: Benny, how are you doing?
Benny: Hey, Tim. Hi, Al. What will it be today?
Tim: I don't know. I got a hankering for a thick porterhouse.
Benny: Good choice.
Al: I'll take the petite filet mignon.
Benny: Takes all kinds. Here you go.
Tim: [whistles] Good-looking meat. Thanks a lot. Stay cool.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right, we flip them on our grill. Now, you don't wanna overcook 'em. You just want 'em flame-kissed. Ding! They're done. All right. [moos] Still moving, Al. Now we're ready to put on our seasoning.
Tim: Right. We got hot sauce, steak sauce, barbecue sauce. What's your pick?
Al: Not one of those. I'd like just a pinch of salt.
Tim: You got it, friend. [Al coughs] Well, I seem to have messed up your dinner. Let's get rid of those plates. Right down to the recycling center. Now, we've cleaned the dishes. What do we do about all the mess in the kitchen? The grease, the appliances, the floor, the walls? What do we do now?
Al: Well, Tim, the best thing about the Binford men's kitchen is it's entirely self-cleaning.
Tim: It is. That's right. We got the Binford kitchen-washing system here. You step out of the kitchen, shut your waterproof doors... [fanfare plays] Klaus, can we cut the...? What is this, a Renaissance fair? You add your detergent pellets early in the week, then you put it on heavy wash, spin dry, energy saver. Start your wash. In a half-hour, you got a clean kitchen. Floors, walls, the whole thing's...
[After Benny bangs on the wet, soapy window from inside the kitchen, Tim and Al block the audience's view of the window]

Quote from Jill

Jill: [on the phone] No, no. Look, let me just-just try to explain this to you again. This is a "no dinner" dinner. It doesn't matter what you wear. There is no place to wear it to. No, no, there's no point in ordering a vegetarian plate. There's no food. No food. Look, just send me a check, OK? Goodbye.

Quote from Tim

[Tool Time flashback:]
Tim: We've already leveled our dirt. We got some form up. Al, you guide us the rest of the way.
Al: Well, we've done about everything until we pour the concrete.
Tim: Right.
Al: So all we need to do now is set the stakes, close in the form.
Tim: Exactly! We need a sledgehammer for that. Uh, Mrs. Binford...
Mrs. Binford: There you go, Tom.
Tim: Thank you, Mrs. Been-In-The-Sauce.
Tim: Al, will you hold the stake while I drive her in?
Al: I'd be pleased to, Tim. With an expert like Tim, I know I'm in good hands.
[present day:]
Tim: I think we've had about enough of that. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed our first episode.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: You know, our fifth anniversary show is coming up. I wanna make a big deal, but Davidson doesn't want to pay for it. I want to make a big, spectacular gift to my audience, you know.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You know, Tim, in ancient China, there was once an emperor, and every year on his birthday, everybody in the land would bring him a gift. And every year, the gifts became more and more elaborate.
Tim: I get your point.
Wilson: Well, that's very good, Tim, 'cause I haven't made one yet. Anyway, one year, a small boy appeared before the emperor and told him that he had no riches to give. The only gift that he had was a song. You know what the emperor did?
Tim: Got him booked on Dick Woo's Chinese Bandstand.
Wilson: You're not making this easy, Tim. Anyway, when the emperor heard this song, he was so moved that he proclaimed it the greatest gift of all, because it was a gift that came from the heart. Well, I must get back to the yogurt.

Quote from Al

[Tool Time flashback:]
Tim: OK. Before we get started, the first thing we're gonna learn today is how to drive a stake. [Tim holds up a cartoon of a man driving a steak]
Al: I don't understand. Aren't we talking about wooden stakes?
Tim: Albert... can I call you Al?
Al: OK.
Tim: This is supposed to be a joke. Guy driving a steak.
Al: Ah...

Quote from Tim

Tim: Big day today. We're doing a huge Tool Time.
Mark: What's it about, Dad?
Tim: We're building a man's kitchen.
Jill: What's that, a kitchen where you stand over the sink to eat?
Tim: No, a man's kitchen. You can cook a cow, braise a buffalo, grill a grizzly. [grunts]
Mark: You can eat grizzly?
Tim: Yeah, sure. Tastes like chicken. And with the leftovers, you can make a peanut butter and grizzly sandwich.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now the moment we've all been waiting for - the introduction of the man's kitchen. A guy's galley. I am man, hear me roast. [grunts]
Al: Well, Tim, what do you say we start her up?
Tim: That's right. The only kitchen I know that has an ignition system. [engine starts then stalls] Come on, come on.
Al: Maybe we should get jumper cables, hook it up to another kitchen.
Tim: I think I got it. Listen to that baby purr. [fanfare] Now, let's step inside, take a tour of the man's kitchen. [grunts]
Al: Well, we start first here at men's fine china.
Tim: That's right. 16-ply steel-belted paper plates.
Al: These plates are available in standard black and white walls.

Quote from Jill

Jill: [on the phone] Yeah, that's a fine charity. I'm sure that they have a lovely dinner, but our dinner's a little different. There is no dinner. No, this is not a crank call. Uh, we're having a "no dinner" dinner. What it means is that you don't have to get dressed up and sit in a big impersonal ballroom and make small talk with people you don't know. You like that. Well, um, maybe you could just send a contribution anyway. You know, 'cause the library really needs... Hello? [puts the phone down] I can't believe she hung up on me.

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