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‘The Niece’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: The Niece

706. The Niece

Aired November 4, 1997

When Tim and Jill throw a surprise party for Wilson, the guest of honor is his niece Willow (China Kantner), who drives up in his father's old Studebaker.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Willow, it's, uh It's for you.
Willow: Oh, yeah. I gave your number to a few people. Is it David, Felipe or Cameron?
Tim: [on the phone] Is it David, Felipe or Cameron? OK, OK. Settle down. Sergei.
Willow: Ugh! I don't want to talk to him. He's an insensitive egomaniac who refuses to share his feelings.
Tim: [on the phone] She won't talk to you because you're a guy.

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Quote from Wilson

Jill: Hey, Wilson. Hey, you gotta watch your step because we've had an electrical problem.
Wilson: How badly was Tim hurt?

Quote from Tim

Willow: Do you understand what I'm saying?
Wilson: Yes, I do. And, Willow, even though I want you to live your own life, there's something that I have to say.
Willow: What's that?
Wilson: I really want you to consider the words of the Bible: "He who is alone and falleth..."
Willow: "...hath not another to help him up." Ecclesiastes.
Tim: "Everybody loves somebody sometime." Martin-comma-Dean.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Oh, great punch. Great presents. Great party. Oh, Jill, it was so hard to say goodbye.
Jill: Well, you know, maybe you shouldn't say goodbye to everybody.
Wilson: What do you mean?
Jill: I was just talking to Willow, and she really wants to set down roots somewhere. And I know this guy who lives alone and could probably use some company.
Wilson: Well, I don't think she and Al would get along together.

Quote from Al

Al: Well, I tell you, if I was to buy a classic car, you know what it would be?
Tim: What, Al?
Al: An "Al-fa Romeo." [laughs]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Moving right along here, um That's a '55 Chevy Bel Air, isn't it?
Sparky: Oh, look at that grill. She almost looks like she's smiling at you.
Tim: I tell you, the first time I was in the back seat of one of those, I was smiling.
Sparky: You were with a girl.
Tim: No, I was just happy to be in the back seat.

Quote from Al

Al: You know, I was just kidding about the Alfa Romeo.
Tim: I know.
Al: What I'd really like is a Cadillac Al-Dorado. Or maybe an Al-Camino. How about a Mercedes 280 S-Al? [laughs]

Quote from Tim

Tim: It doesn't seem right to just skip out on the guy, though.
Willow: I don't think I have a choice. I believe it's the Bhagavad Gita that says, "A bird can only soar if the sky has no bounds."
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah. I can see it. Yeah.
Willow: I'm sure you can understand how being so confined invalidates me, how it negates the very core of my being.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. The heart goes with...
Willow: See? See, you do understand.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah. Perfectly.
Willow: Why can't Uncle Wilson be like you? You know, you take in everything. And then with a wise knowing grunt, you convey your empathy.
Tim: [grunts] Well, it's just something I do naturally...
Willow: If only every man was as evolved as you.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah. It's unfortunate, isn't it? Yes, it is.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Let's not forget the most important guest at this birthday party.
Jill: Wilson's niece.
Tim: Oh, yeah. Her too, but the '53 Studebaker she's driving down here. [inhales from balloon]
Jill: That was Wilson's dad's car.
Tim: [high-pitched] His mom was gonna sell it. But I convinced her to give it to Wilson instead. It's a fabulous idea, I think.
Jill: [high-pitched] And as his birthday present to Wilson, he's gonna fix it all up.
Randy: You know, maybe if I click my heels together, I can get back to Kansas before dinner.
Tim: [high-pitched] That's a really good idea.

Quote from Jill

Mark: Is Wilson's mom coming?
Jill: No, no. She couldn't make it. She's in Nebraska chasing twisters.
Brad: Hey, everybody! I got the photo!
Jill: Ooh, I can't wait to see this picture of Wilson as a little boy.
[Brad holds up a picture of a young boy whose face is obscured by his birthday cake]
Jill: Aw.

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