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‘The Niece’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The Niece

706. The Niece

Aired November 4, 1997

When Tim and Jill throw a surprise party for Wilson, the guest of honor is his niece Willow (China Kantner), who drives up in his father's old Studebaker.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Willow, it's, uh It's for you.
Willow: Oh, yeah. I gave your number to a few people. Is it David, Felipe or Cameron?
Tim: [on the phone] Is it David, Felipe or Cameron? OK, OK. Settle down. Sergei.
Willow: Ugh! I don't want to talk to him. He's an insensitive egomaniac who refuses to share his feelings.
Tim: [on the phone] She won't talk to you because you're a guy.

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Quote from Wilson

Jill: Hey, Wilson. Hey, you gotta watch your step because we've had an electrical problem.
Wilson: How badly was Tim hurt?

Quote from Tim

Willow: Do you understand what I'm saying?
Wilson: Yes, I do. And, Willow, even though I want you to live your own life, there's something that I have to say.
Willow: What's that?
Wilson: I really want you to consider the words of the Bible: "He who is alone and falleth..."
Willow: "...hath not another to help him up." Ecclesiastes.
Tim: "Everybody loves somebody sometime." Martin-comma-Dean.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Oh, great punch. Great presents. Great party. Oh, Jill, it was so hard to say goodbye.
Jill: Well, you know, maybe you shouldn't say goodbye to everybody.
Wilson: What do you mean?
Jill: I was just talking to Willow, and she really wants to set down roots somewhere. And I know this guy who lives alone and could probably use some company.
Wilson: Well, I don't think she and Al would get along together.

Quote from Al

Al: Well, I tell you, if I was to buy a classic car, you know what it would be?
Tim: What, Al?
Al: An "Al-fa Romeo." [laughs]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Moving right along here, um That's a '55 Chevy Bel Air, isn't it?
Sparky: Oh, look at that grill. She almost looks like she's smiling at you.
Tim: I tell you, the first time I was in the back seat of one of those, I was smiling.
Sparky: You were with a girl.
Tim: No, I was just happy to be in the back seat.

Quote from Al

Al: You know, I was just kidding about the Alfa Romeo.
Tim: I know.
Al: What I'd really like is a Cadillac Al-Dorado. Or maybe an Al-Camino. How about a Mercedes 280 S-Al? [laughs]

Quote from Tim

Tim: It doesn't seem right to just skip out on the guy, though.
Willow: I don't think I have a choice. I believe it's the Bhagavad Gita that says, "A bird can only soar if the sky has no bounds."
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah. I can see it. Yeah.
Willow: I'm sure you can understand how being so confined invalidates me, how it negates the very core of my being.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. The heart goes with...
Willow: See? See, you do understand.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah. Perfectly.
Willow: Why can't Uncle Wilson be like you? You know, you take in everything. And then with a wise knowing grunt, you convey your empathy.
Tim: [grunts] Well, it's just something I do naturally...
Willow: If only every man was as evolved as you.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah. It's unfortunate, isn't it? Yes, it is.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Let's not forget the most important guest at this birthday party.
Jill: Wilson's niece.
Tim: Oh, yeah. Her too, but the '53 Studebaker she's driving down here. [inhales from balloon]
Jill: That was Wilson's dad's car.
Tim: [high-pitched] His mom was gonna sell it. But I convinced her to give it to Wilson instead. It's a fabulous idea, I think.
Jill: [high-pitched] And as his birthday present to Wilson, he's gonna fix it all up.
Randy: You know, maybe if I click my heels together, I can get back to Kansas before dinner.
Tim: [high-pitched] That's a really good idea.

Quote from Jill

Mark: Is Wilson's mom coming?
Jill: No, no. She couldn't make it. She's in Nebraska chasing twisters.
Brad: Hey, everybody! I got the photo!
Jill: Ooh, I can't wait to see this picture of Wilson as a little boy.
[Brad holds up a picture of a young boy whose face is obscured by his birthday cake]
Jill: Aw.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Willow Wilson. That's a cool name.
Willow: My full name is Willow Branch Leaf Wilson. But I pruned it back. [chuckles]
Jill: Can I get you anything?
Willow: No, that's all right. I had a butterscotch rice cake in the car.
Tim: Eating in a classic Studebaker? I'll get the crumbs out of there with my car vac.

Quote from Randy

Willow: My relationship with Sergei was outwardly passionate but inwardly cold. I'm sure you've been in relationships like that.
Brad: [scoffs] Tons.
Randy: Brr.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Willow! Oh, Willow! What a perfect present!
Tim: Wait until we knock out the bumps and fix the electrical system.
Wilson: No, I was talking about my niece. It has been so long since I've been around family. It is so good to see you.
Willow: It's great to see you too, Uncle Wilson.
Tim: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Let's take a ride in the car!
Wilson: Well, maybe later. Right now I've gotta catch up with my long lost niece.
Tim: What about the long lost car?!

Quote from Jill

Jill: So where do you live now?
Willow: I'm staying with friends in Chicago. But it's just another temporary stop. I'd love to be able to put down roots somewhere. You're lucky to be able to have such a nice family. I bet it feels great to be grounded.
Jill: Yeah, especially when Tim's doing electrical work.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What? Willow's moving in? It took a lot of work to get the Studebaker here. Now he wants to spend time with his niece?
Jill: Tim, I know it sounds ridiculous, but to some people, family is more important than cars.
Tim: Well, immediate family, sure. But Willow is just his brother's daughter. The Studebaker is his father's car.
Wilson: You should be happy for Wilson. He's finally got some family in his life.
Tim: Oh, finally? What am I, smoked chub? Where did he get the idea he needed family anyway? [inhales from balloon]
Willow: [enters] Jill, Uncle Wilson said it was you who suggested that I stay with him. I just wanted to thank you. [exits]
Tim: [high-pitched] So it was you all along. That's really hitting me below the belt, I'll tell you that right now.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi. Welcome back to Tool Time and our special guest, classic car collector, George "Sparky" Anderson.
Al: Now, Sparky, you've been restoring automobiles for 30 years. How are classic cars different from modern cars?
Sparky: They're older, Al. I mean, you gotta be at least 25 years old to be a classic car. Right, Tim?
Tim: Right.
Sparky: And they don't have the features: Cruise control, anti-lock breaks, uh, air bags.
Tim: They drive like trucks, sometimes get worse mileage, and they're harder on the environment.
Al: Then why would anyone want a classic car?
Tim & Sparky: Because they're cool!

Quote from Tim

Sparky: Uh, in order to demonstrate, I brought along a video that shows some of my favorite classic automobiles.
Tim: Heidi, the video monitor, please.
Heidi: Here you are, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Let's take a look.
Sparky: Oh, look at that beauty. '48 Olds coupe. Four thousand pounds of Detroit steel storming down the street.
Tim: Boy! Reminds me of Al's mom looking for a smorgasbord, huh?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Let's say a guy bends over backwards to give another guy a '53 Studebaker Commander.
Sparky: Oh, I love that car.
Tim: Good design. It is. And that same guy offered to restore it for the first guy.
Sparky: I love that guy.
Tim: That's right. And then the second guy has a distant relative show up. Let's say a niece. Who are you spending time with, the niece or the car?
Sparky: Please, Tim! Isn't it obvious?
Tim: It is to me. But tell the audience.
Sparky: I'd spend time with the niece. Nothing more important than family, right, Tim?
Tim: Yes, exactly my point. Of course it was. We'll be back with more questions after these messages.
Al: Binford is proud to welcome our new sponsor, Saginaw Cheese.
All: Cheese, it's good!

Quote from Tim

Jill: Wilson is having such a good time with Willow being here. They've been going to museums and poetry readings. Last night they went to the Estonian Comedy Festival.
Tim: Yes! They're famous for their comedy over there. I am Yergi. Welcome to the show. I stayed at hotel so small my goat slept standing up. But I kid!

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Hidy, hither and yon, good neighbors. How fare ye this glorious eve?
Jill: How fare we? We fare fine. How fare ye?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I've got an hour before the Renaissance Faire. How would you like to go ahead and show me the finer points of the Studebaker?
Jill: Oh, great idea! I've always said that there's nothing better for companionship than a car.
Tim: When have you ever said that?
Jill: Tim, why don't you take Wilson in the garage and show him how fulfilling his life will be now that he's sharing it with an automobile?
Tim: Ah, got ya. Yeah. Come hither. We will repair to my repair shop.
Wilson: Verily, sire. Lead on, MacTim.

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