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‘Bright Christmas’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Bright Christmas

711. Bright Christmas

Aired December 16, 1997

Jill is surprised when her mother, Lillian (Polly Holliday), visits for Christmas and invites along a male friend.

Quote from Tim

Tim: This will be my most exciting lighting display ever. The guys at the power plant will be working overtime for this bad boy, huh?
Mark: Uh, you might want to read this flyer. I found it in the mailbox. It's from the lighting contest committee.
Tim: "Because certain rooftop displays have continually exceeded the bounds of prudent energy consumption and good taste, this year's lighting contest will be strictly regulated"?!
Randy: They're pulling the plug on you, Dad.
Tim: What makes you think this has to do with me?
Randy: It says right here, "To be referred to, henceforth, as the Tim Taylor clause".
Tim: This is bunk. This is bunk. Come on! "Electricity is limited to two 20-amp breakers." Who can work with that? "No bulbs over 25 watts." Ha, ha! "Maximum height of elves, three feet." What kind of elf is three foot tall?
Brad: Yeah, well, this one's gonna kill you. "Nativity scenes may include only characters specifically mentioned in the Bible."
Randy: Which means no more Three Stooges.
Tim: Those were the Three Wise Men.
Randy: Oh, really? Then why were they poking each other in the eye?
Tim: To break up the trip.

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Quote from Al

Al: Well, in the meantime, why don't we look at some stocking stuffers from Binford?
Heidi: This year, say "Merry Christmas" with how-to videos starring Tim and Al.
Al: That's right. Show your loved ones how to get rid of that annoying hum from lights in Silence of the Lamps.
Heidi: And learn when to use nails instead of adhesives in Glueless.
Al: And my personal favorite, The Nutty Compressor. They loved this one in France.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: I'm sorry, I'm just upset about this whole thing with my mother and her new boyfriend.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Jill: Tim says I should wait till after the holidays to talk to her about it, but I'm acting so crazy. I'm throwing baked goods at Keith Partridge. I don't know. What do you think?
Wilson: Well, he's no Greg Brady, but....
Jill: No! I mean, what do you think about whether I should talk to her.
Wilson: Well, I agree with the poet William Blake, who said, "I was angry with my friend I told my wrath My wrath did end".
Jill: Yeah, but if I talk to her it could ruin her Christmas.
Wilson: If you don't talk to her, it could ruin everybody else's.

Quote from Jill

Tim: It's your mom and dad at their wedding.
Jill: Yeah, I found it in her house after the funeral, so I had it restored. I'm gonna give it to her for Christmas.
Tim: They did a really nice job restoring this. They were actually able to airbrush a smile over your dad's scowl.
Jill: No, that's a real smile.
Tim: You said he never smiled at their wedding.
Jill: No, no, no. He never smiled at our wedding.

Quote from Jill

Tim: What is that smell?
Jill: I'm making us a special Christmas cake. It's really cool. It's got pineapple and mangoes and papaya.
Tim: It's a fruitcake. Everybody hates fruitcake.
Jill: I know that. This is not a fruitcake. This is a Christmas cake with... fruit.
Tim: "Cake with fruit." Reverse that. "Fruitcake."

Quote from Tim

Jill: Hey, don't take it out on me just 'cause the neighborhood put the kibosh on your lighting display.
Tim: You say "ki-bosh," I say "pish-tosh". I got Wilson to be my partner.
Jill: Oh, is he going to help you do the roof?
Tim: No, no. He's gonna give me two 20-amp circuits. He's not decorating his roof, so I get his allotment of electricity. Means I get more wattage. It means I can make elves the size of Shaquille O'Neal.
Jill: I can't believe Wilson would go along with this after reading that flyer.
Tim: [throws crumpled leaflet in the trash] I'm not sure he read it.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Where are the boys? I need some help.
Jill: They're still picking up Mom from the airport. Listen, um, when she gets here I want you to be extra nice to her.
Tim: Oh. Now you tell me. I just short-sheeted her bed.
Jill: No. You know, I want this to be a really great holiday for her. It's the first one since Dad died, and she's bound to be a little depressed.
Tim: If anything will lift her spirits, it will be the new lighting display. Guess who's bearing frankincense this year? [pulls out cardboard cut-out of Frankenstein as a wise man]

Quote from Tim

Jill: So how was the trip back with Brad from the airport?
Lillian: Well, it was a lot less scary than when I ride with Tim. I never knew Detroit had stop signs.
Tim: Roundish red things. Yeah, I've seen them.

Quote from Jill

Lillian: Oh, Jill, the tree looks beautiful.
Jill: Yes, it does, doesn't it? Well, except for this spark plug here.
Lillian: That's right. Every year Tim sneaks auto parts onto the tree.
Jill: And on Easter we have a muffler hunt.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Look at this. A Partridge in a pear tree.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim. Mom just told me that she's bringing a date for Christmas.
Tim: Why doesn't she bring a whole box of dates? You can put them in your "Christmas cake."
Jill: No. Come here. His name is Parker. She's been seeing him for a couple of months.
Tim: Wow. That's, uh, kind of soon. I mean... How do you feel about that?
Jill: Well, I was in shock. I mean, I'm starting to give her this photo of her and Dad, then she starts talking about this other man. I didn't feel I could give it to her. Do you think I'm overreacting?
Tim: No. I think you're taking this very well. My mom waited 30 years to start dating and I still think it's too soon.
Jill: Well, it's obviously a little awkward for me, but it's not about me. So I'm gonna be supportive and when Parker gets here we'll be hospitable.
Tim: It'll be easier for me. He's not shacking up with my mom. [off Jill's look] Whatever I can do to help.

Quote from Tim

Tim: See, Parker, here's my problem. Even with Even with Wilson's allotment of electricity, I still can't get these mechanical things to work properly.
Parker: If I'm reading this right, this doesn't say anything about voltage.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Parker: You can use a 220 volt line for your appliances instead of the standard 110. It takes the same 20-amp breaker, but doubles your power.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah. Double your power, double your fun. [grunts] Oh, oh, oh! Let's go to the garage.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Parker figured out how to get more electricity without breaking the rules. This guy's sneaky. I like him.
Parker: You're pretty sneaky yourself. You figured out how to use a motor from your dryer. [Tim chuckles]
Jill: You're taking apart our dryer?
Tim: I'm taking apart the dryer for you. It's for the holidays. You won't have to do laundry until way into the new year.
Parker: Guess what, Tim asked me to come to Tool Time.
Lillian: Oh, that's wonderful. Now, just remember, if Tim uses words like "tweaked" and "souped up" and "uh-oh," you run like hell.

Quote from Jill

Tim: [chuckles] Parker's a great guy. Hey, how would you feel about him becoming part of the family?
[Jill throws a sponge at Tim's "Partridge in a Peartree" display, knocking Keith Partridge's head clean off]
Tim: You throw pretty good for a girl.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What do you got against Keith Partridge? He's not dating your mother.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, how come you never took my father's suggestions about the Christmas lights?
Tim: Jill, your father never gave me suggestions. He gave me orders.
Jill: OK, yeah, he was gruff. He was a very difficult person, but that doesn't make this easier. It seems like Mom's happier with Parker than she ever was with Dad.
Tim: That's not the case. It's just because it's a new relationship. Honey, please.
Jill: I've got to talk to Mom about this thing, the way I feel.
Tim: No, no, don't.
Jill: Why not?
Tim: It's Christmastime. It's no time to tell people how you feel.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Yule Man" Taylor. Of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Al: Thank you. Well, it's almost Christmas, and Christmas is a time for giving.
Tim: Right. And for you last-minute shoppers, the old "Tool Man" here's got a selection of last-minute gift ideas.
Al: And to start us off, we have the Binford 6100 Sleep Enhancer.
Tim: It's for you guys who just can't drift off to sleep. Now you got a machine that produces sounds to help you deep, deep sleep.
Al: That's right. We have "Primeval Forest," "Babbling Brook".
Tim: Boring. Boring. I like this one. [race cars sound] Ahh. Indy cars going 220 miles an hour. [snores]

Quote from Wilson

Jill: Wilson, what are you doing?
Wilson: Well, I'm trying to black out my windows so I can finally get some sleep.
Jill: Insomnia?
Wilson: No, no, no. "Timsomnia."
Tim: [o.s.] Here they go!
Wilson: Do not look directly into the Jesus.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Oh. I brought you a present.
Wilson: Oh, my goodness. Oh, boy, that's heavy. Jill, is it fruitcake?
Jill: No, it's not a fruitcake! It's a Christmas cake. It's made with mangoes and papayas and... Oh, hell, it's a fruitcake! Fruitcake! Fruitcake! Fruitcake!

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Wilson, I want to show you Santa's sleigh.
Wilson: Not right now, Tim.
Tim: It'll just take a minute.
Wilson: Just a couple of minutes, please.
Tim: I want to show you.
Jill: What if I say the wrong thing and she gets hurt?
Wilson: Well, she won't if you just express yourself in a sensitive and tactful way.
[The Santa slides down the track into Wilson's yard]
Wilson: Tim, will you keep your freaking Santa out of my yard?!

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