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‘Mow Better Blues’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Mow Better Blues

102. Mow Better Blues

Aired September 24, 1991

After Mark assists Tim in souping the lawnmower, he accidentally breaks one of Tim's oldest tools.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Come on. Stand up.
Jill: Stand up?
Tim: Stand up. Put your right arm up. Put your left arm... [Jill chuckles] Put your left arm on the tool.
Jill: The wrench?
Tim: The wrench.

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Quote from Jill

Tim: That wrench has gotta be around here someplace. You know, it just didn't get up and walk away, Jill.
Jill: OK, you're right. I'm ready to talk. I sneak down here at night, take all your tools, go out to the backyard, put 'em in a big pile, and dance around 'em naked.
Tim: What time would that be?
Jill: Sometime right after you go to sleep.

Quote from Al

Tim: Well, Al, now that we have the fitting in place between the two sections of pipe. What's the next step?
Al: Well, Tim, we'll be sweating the pipe.
Tim: Will we?
Al: That's right.
Tim: So we'll put a little deodorant right there in the elbow?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Quote from Jill

Tim: It's right over there on the pegboard.
Jill: The pegboard? What's it doing on the pegboard? Shouldn't tape be in a drawer?
Tim: Jill, this is a garage, not Fabric World. In a shop, tape hangs on a hook because it has a hole in it.
Jill: So does your head, but it's not hanging on a hook.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You don't touch my records.
Tim: Right, because I respect your space. That's your space, your zone. This is my zone, my sacred territory, right here.
Jill: Oh. So, uh, so this tool bench is like your altar?
Tim: This is where I pray to the tool gods. [vocalizes] Oy-eee-ha-ha, ee-ee-ha
Jill: Gosh, I am so moved, I think that I should sing a chorus of "Amazing Wrench."
Tim: Don't do this.
Jill: [sings] Amazing wrench, how sweet the sound [wrench whirs] [laughs]
Tim: Do you hear the laughter, right here?

Quote from Tim

Tim: We do need heat for this project. And for that we use the Binford Burnblaster 2000 propane torch. Wanna grab the torch, Al?
Al: Yeah. Coming right up, Tim.
[title: "What Al doesn't know is Tim has hidden the torch from him to make an important point."]
Tim: Torch, please, Al.
Al: Uh, uh... Gimme a second, Tim.
Tim: Al? We're on the air. Al, we need that torch.
Al: [o.s.] I'm looking. I'm looking.
Tim: Al, it's a critical part of the show. Thousands of viewers are waiting to see that thing.
Al: I'm trying, dammit. I'm only human.
Tim: Oh, relax. Come on, Al... Oh, look. It's right over here. Folks, this is a demonstration. Don't try this at home. I hid the torch from Al.
Al: You what?
Tim: I, you know, didn't mean to panic you.
Al: You hid the torch?
Tim: To make a point.
Al: And what point would that be, Tim?
Tim: Well, you should always know where your tools are. 'cause otherwise you could get pretty irritated, like you seem to be. Go ahead, light the torch, Al.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right, son. This is an ordinary lawn tractor and we have to Tim-Taylorize it. So first we gotta remove this puny 12 1/2-horse Blade-O-Matic motor, 'cause we wanna cut lawn maintenance time way down. So what do we need?
Mark: More power.
Tim: You learn well, my little one. We're gonna replace it with this. Because this is more power.
Mark: Wow.
Tim: Darn right, "wow." This is a twin-cylinder 1600cc motorcycle engine, normally aspirated at 58 horsepower. Your dad has ported and polished it, blueprinted the crank, and balanced it all the way through. Huh? It's got a reverse gear - who needs it? four forward gears and a suicide clutch. On a good, clear day, the ET on this bad boy should be under 15 seconds at quarter of a mile. We can do zero to 60 in under 5.5 seconds.
Mark: You gonna race it?
Tim: You bet. As soon as we install this bad boy, we're gonna enter the Indianapolis 500. By the time the rest of the pack catches us, we'll have won the race and mowed the infield.

Quote from Tim

Mark: Want me to get you a towel, Dad?
Tim: Why would I want a towel?
Mark: To wipe the grease off your hands.
Tim: Grease is our friend. When you work on heavy-duty machinery, you expect some grease on your hands. As a matter of fact, you like grease all over. Kinda like war paint. [puts grease on Mark's face] Yeah. Chief Spark Plug. [grunts] We're gonna need a variety of tools today, so you wanna make sure you get all your tools lined up within easy reach.
Mark: What's this one?
Tim: Ooh, man. That's my Tolan precision-engineered torque wrench. See the gauge there? Measures pounds per square inch. You use this for all your delicate bolts, like on the engine head, and when you bolt the engine to the chassis.
Mark: Looks old.
Tim: Oh, it's not old. It's experienced. This is the Yoda of my tool bench, right here. Yeah. It's been in my family almost 20 years. My dad gave it to me, and someday I'm gonna give it to you.

Quote from Jill

Randy: While Brad was watching television, I filled my box up to the top.
Jill: Thank you, Randy. It's nice to know I have one perfect child.
Randy: I do what I can.
Brad: "I filled my box up to the top." [Brad and Randy tussle]
Jill: Hey. Hey. Stop that. If I hear any fighting, there's gonna be liver for dinner. [Brad and Randy scream]

Quote from Jill

Tim: Why do you always come out here and mess up my tools?
Jill: I'm sorry. I'm just looking for the duck tape.
Tim: It's not "duck" - quack, quack - tape. It's "duct" tape, like "heating duct."
Jill: Well, excuse me. [enunciates] Duct tape.
Tim: Excuse me while I rinse the side of my face off.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Recognize this? Spiral ratchet screwdriver found under the sink this morning. What was that all about?
Jill: Well, the ice was all stuck together and I needed something to break it apart.
Tim: You pounded ice with this?
Jill: Yeah. It worked great.
Tim: Jill, this is a precision tool. It's not an ice pick.
Jill: Tim, don't be silly. Give me the tape.
Tim: No, no, no, no. No. How would you feel if I attacked your little opera-record collection and used Madame Butterfly for a frisbee?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Repeat after me: I, Jill...
Jill: I, Jill... [laughs]
Tim: I, Jill, swear on this Binford cordless ratchet wrench...
Jill: ...swear on this blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah wrench...
Tim: ...Binford cordless ratchet wrench...
Jill: Binford cordless ratchet wrench...
Tim: ...that I will never touch my husband Tim Taylor's tool bench ever again.
Jill: Ever again. Touched it.
Tim: Jill...
Jill: Touched it. Touched it. Touched it. [laughs]
Tim: Can you feel the anger in this room right now? You have irritated the tool gods. You must now be smeared with the holy grease of disdain.
Jill: Tim, don't you even think about it. Tim. Tim...
Tim: I'm no longer Tim. I'm Zortheus, the Tool Avenger. I am Zortheus.

Quote from Jill

Randy: Have you seen my sneakers?
Jill: Yes. They're in the trash.
Randy: You can't throw those away.
Jill: Honey, it wasn't my idea. The sneakers begged me. They did. They... [silly voice] Please, Mrs. Taylor, let us go. We're old. We're tired. We smell.
Randy: Mom, these are my favorites. Please?
Jill: OK. Duct-tape them up. Then you can have a month to say goodbye to 'em, and then it's a new pair.

Quote from Jill

Jill: So, what'd you do? Join Hell's Gardeners?
Tim: Pretty cool, huh?
Jill: All you need is a tattoo: "Born to mulch."
Tim: Yeah.

Quote from Tim

Tim: And, honey, you know what? You can be my lawn-mowin' momma.
Jill: You know, Tim, the only reason that you're doing all of this is cos your mother wouldn't let you have a motorcycle.
Tim: She never let me have a dog. You don't see me out here rewiring a cocker spaniel, do you?

Quote from Jill

Tim: My torque wrench was right here. You weren't out here this afternoon, were you?
Jill: Why?
Tim: I'm missing my torque wrench.
Jill: I don't even know what a torque wrench is.
Tim: You weren't cracking any ice today, were you?
Jill: Oh, Tim, you don't crack ice with a wrench. You crack ice with a screwdriver.

Quote from Tim

Jill: The wrench is not in there. That's stuff for the rummage sale. There's nothing but junk in there.
Tim: Junk? This is that swivel-based cookbook holder I built you.
Jill: Is it?
Tim: I thought you said you lost this.
Jill: Well, I guess you found it.
Tim: Great.
Tim: Look. Look. It's that hair dyer I rewired for you.
Jill: Honey, I really loved it but it... it melted all my hairbrushes.
Tim: Don't throw it out. Use it for a space heater.

Quote from Randy

Randy: He broke a tool. Just like Peter.
Mark: Who's Peter?
Randy: He's our little brother we used to have before you.
Mark: No.
Randy: He broke Dad's flashlight.
Mark: What'd they do with him?
Brad: They traded him in for you.
Mark: They did not.
Randy: Well, nice knowing ya.
Brad: Maybe this time we'll get a dog instead.
Tim: [o.s.] Brad, Randy, Mark, where are you?
Mark: What am I gonna do?
Randy: Keep hiding. They can't trade you in if they can't find ya.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Now, boys, your father has something that he wants to talk to you about... calmly.
Tim: Which one of you lug nuts broke this torque wrench?
Jill: Tim, easy. Easy, easy, easy.
Tim: I didn't break it, you didn't break it. Who's left? Butch and Sundance.
Brad: Why are you always blaming us?
Tim: Because we're always guilty, aren't we?
Randy: Some people think we're nice.
Tim: Really? Name one.
Randy: Billy's mom thinks we're perfect little gentlemen.
Tim: Billy's mom thought she saw Elvis yesterday at the gas station.

Quote from Randy

Tim: What do you know about the broken wrench?
Randy: We think you should ask somebody else.
Brad: Yeah. Someone short... and seven.
Tim: Wait. You're saying Mark had something to do with breaking my tool?
Randy: Hey, we don't tattle on some brothers... who happen to be hiding in the backyard like a coward.

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