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‘The Route of All Evil’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: The Route of All Evil

413. The Route of All Evil

Aired January 3, 1995

Brad is overwhelmed with his homework and chores after he gets a paper route. Meanwhile, Marie cooks for the Taylors as Jill studies for her finals.

Quote from Brad

Randy: Hey, Brad. Mom and Dad want you to come down for dinner.
Brad: Tell them I'm not hungry. I'm trying to finish this paper and do my math homework at the same time.
Randy: "The Franco-Prussian War was fought in the year 1870 minus the square root of 113."
Brad: Oh, man. How could I have done that?

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Quote from Tim

Brad: I can't keep up with everything.
Tim: Yes, you can. Look, you're already doing your studies. Look at this. Look. "The Franco-Prussian War was..." That's already more than I know, right there. Hey, but Russia's not spelled with a P, my friend. That says "Prussian."

Quote from Wilson

Tim: I was so excited about him having that job, I just kept pushing him and pushing him. I just want my kids to be great.
Wilson: Tim, it's not unusual for a father to want his son to succeed. You know, I'm reminded of what Wally Schirra the astronaut said: "You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. If you treat them as sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes."
Tim: I did push him way too hard. But it wasn't on purpose.
Wilson: I know it wasn't.
Tim: Thanks for lending me your ear.
Wilson: Tim! [returns the spy equipment] Thanks for lending me yours.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now, a must on the shopping list for every do-it-yourself spy is the bionic ear. With this device, you can pick up conversations a long way away. Watch.
Man #1: [on device] Maurice, qu'est-ce que tu as pensé de Tool Time?
Man #2: [on device] C'était très amusant, mais l'assistant, Al Borland, était un grand "bozo".
Al: And you're expecting me to believe they watch Tool Time in France?
Tim: Well, not anymore. You heard what Maurice said about you.

Quote from Brad

Brad: I'm way behind. I've got this paper on the Franco-Prussian War due tomorrow.
Randy: Well, what do you have so far? "The Franco-Prussian war was..." That's it?
Brad: Yeah, and I copied that out of the encyclopedia.
Randy: Well, you know, if you make the margins wider, it might make it seem longer.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Are you cleaning Brad's room?
Mark: Brad's room?
Jill: Mark, you're in a difficult position. On one hand, you want to be loyal to Brad. On the other hand, we pay your allowance.
Mark: My allowance?
Tim: And you're repeating everything we say. And don't repeat that.
Jill: It can only mean one thing.
Tim: Yeah?
Jill: Brad pays them more than we do.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: You hold it up like that. I'll go over by the gazebo. Can you hear me?
Wilson: Loud and clear, audio neighbor.
Tim: This is's great. Two guys talking over a distance. Somebody should've invented it years ago, huh?
Wilson: Well, I believe they did, Tim. It's called the telephone.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to security week here on Tool Time. You all know me. I'm Tim "The Secure Man" Taylor, and my assistant, Al "I Want My Blankie" Borland.
Al: I'd respond to that, but I don't need to because I'm very secure with who I am.
Tim: Well, you shouldn't be. OK. Folks, Tool Time isn't just about home improvement, it's also about protecting that home you have improved.
Al: That's right, and a good place to start is with the proper locks. Now, there are all types of locks - chain locks, guarder locks, deadbolt locks...
Tim: My favorite - bagel and lox. Yeah! I go with Nova Scotia lox. Al likes belly lox. But remember, a little lox goes a long way.

Quote from Brad

Brad: And, Mom, I promise I won't fall behind on anything. I'll clean my room, and I'll even practice my saxophone two hours a night.
Jill: You don't do that now.

Quote from Tim

Tim: So how's my junior breadwinner doing?
Brad: I'm tired, every bone in my body aches, and I can't see straight.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, welcome to the working world, huh? I'm real proud of you. That's why I did this.
Brad: You framed my first paycheck?
Tim: No. I Perma Plaqued it. That baby will be in there forever.
Brad: How am I supposed to cash it?
Tim: [scratches, bites the frame] You make an interesting point. I'll just give you the cash.

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