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‘The Route of All Evil’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The Route of All Evil

413. The Route of All Evil

Aired January 3, 1995

Brad is overwhelmed with his homework and chores after he gets a paper route. Meanwhile, Marie cooks for the Taylors as Jill studies for her finals.

Quote from Brad

Randy: Hey, Brad, Mom and Dad want you to come down for dinner.
Brad: Tell them I'm not hungry. I'm trying to finish this paper and do my math homework at the same time.
Randy: "The Franco-Prussian War was fought in the year 1870 minus the square root of 113."
Brad: Oh, man. How could I have done that?

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Quote from Tim

Brad: I can't keep up with everything.
Tim: Yes, you can. Look, you're already doing your studies. Look at this. Look. "The Franco-Prussian War was..." That's already more than I know, right there. Hey, but Russia's not spelled with a P, my friend. That says "Prussian."

Quote from Wilson

Tim: I was so excited about him having that job, I just kept pushing him and pushing him. I just want my kids to be great.
Wilson: Tim, it's not unusual for a father to want his son to succeed. You know, I'm reminded of what Wally Schirra the astronaut said: "You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. If you treat them as sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes."
Tim: I did push him way too hard. But it wasn't on purpose.
Wilson: I know it wasn't.
Tim: Thanks for lending me your ear.
Wilson: Tim! [returns the spy equipment] Thanks for lending me yours.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now, a must on the shopping list for every do-it-yourself spy is the bionic ear. With this device, you can pick up conversations a long way away. Watch.
Man #1: [on device] Maurice, qu'est-ce que tu as pensé de Tool Time?
Man #2: [on device] C'était très amusant, mais l'assistant, Al Borland, était un grand "bozo".
Al: And you're expecting me to believe they watch Tool Time in France?
Tim: Well, not anymore. You heard what Maurice said about you.

Quote from Brad

Brad: I'm way behind. I've got this paper on the Franco-Prussian War due tomorrow.
Randy: Well, what do you have so far? "The Franco-Prussian war was..." That's it?
Brad: Yeah, and I copied that out of the encyclopedia.
Randy: Well, you know, if you make the margins wider, it might make it seem longer.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Are you cleaning Brad's room?
Mark: Brad's room?
Jill: Mark, you're in a difficult position. On one hand, you want to be loyal to Brad. On the other hand, we pay your allowance.
Mark: My allowance?
Tim: And you're repeating everything we say. And don't repeat that.
Jill: It can only mean one thing.
Tim: Yeah?
Jill: Brad pays them more than we do.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: You hold it up like that. I'll go over by the gazebo. Can you hear me?
Wilson: Loud and clear, audio neighbor.
Tim: This is's great. Two guys talking over a distance. Somebody should've invented it years ago, huh?
Wilson: Well, I believe they did, Tim. It's called the telephone.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to security week here on Tool Time. You all know me. I'm Tim "The Secure Man" Taylor, and my assistant, Al "I Want My Blankie" Borland.
Al: I'd respond to that, but I don't need to because I'm very secure with who I am.
Tim: Well, you shouldn't be. OK. Folks, Tool Time isn't just about home improvement, it's also about protecting that home you have improved.
Al: That's right, and a good place to start is with the proper locks. Now, there are all types of locks - chain locks, guarder locks, deadbolt locks...
Tim: My favorite - bagel and lox. Yeah! I go with Nova Scotia lox. Al likes belly lox. But remember, a little lox goes a long way.

Quote from Brad

Brad: And, Mom, I promise I won't fall behind on anything. I'll clean my room, and I'll even practice my saxophone two hours a night.
Jill: You don't do that now.

Quote from Tim

Tim: So how's my junior breadwinner doing?
Brad: I'm tired, every bone in my body aches, and I can't see straight.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, welcome to the working world, huh? I'm real proud of you. That's why I did this.
Brad: You framed my first paycheck?
Tim: No. I Perma Plaqued it. That baby will be in there forever.
Brad: How am I supposed to cash it?
Tim: [scratches, bites the frame] You make an interesting point. I'll just give you the cash.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Well, let's see what Marie made us for dinner tonight. Could it be lamb stew? Honey, would you be offended if I asked Marie to move in with us?
Jill: No. Not at all. She can move in as soon as you move out.
Tim: Hey, Randy, want to taste what's for dinner?
Randy: No, I'm not that hungry.
Tim: Marie made it.
Randy: I'm starving.
Jill: You know, as soon as these finals are over, I'm gonna be back there behind that stove.
Tim: Don't say that, not even joking.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, we also have a home security system.
Tim: Yeah, yeah. Burglar- Burglar systems are fine, but when do we get to the high-energy surveillance equipment? Heidi, the high-energy surveillance equipment, please.
Heidi: Here you are, Tim.
Tim: Look at this stuff. Small surveillance cameras, infrared scopes, pocket bug-detectors.
Al: Tim, we're talking home security, not cracking an international spy ring.
Tim: Yeah, but Al, with this stuff, you got the option.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now it's time for the night-vision goggles.
Al: Night-vision goggles?
Tim: With these bad boys, you can walk around in pitch black, pick out a burglar. And you'll never whiz wide of the bowl again. What these things do is great, is amplify existing light, like, 2,000 times, just by flicking this switch. [turns Al's goggles on]
Al: Oh!
Tim: It's like looking into the surface of the sun, isn't it? I'm over here, Al. Over here. Actually, these are... These are designed for using when it's totally dark. Heidi, make it totally dark, please. I'll just switch mine on. There! Wow!
Al: Oh, well, now mine aren't working.
Tim: I'll just adjust them. Let me grab a screwdriver out of your toolbelt.
Al: Tim. That's not my screwdriver.

Quote from Tim

Tim: [whistles] Something smells great. Did you order out again?
Jill: No. Marie knew how busy I was, and look, she cooked us dinner.
Tim: Looks like lasagna. Smells like lasagna. Hm. Important here... [eats] her lasagna tastes like lasagna.

Quote from Mark

Brad: I'm gonna have to stay up all night to finish this. This job's gonna kill me.
Mark: If it does, can I have my room back?

Quote from Randy

Randy: If this job's so tough, I mean, why don't you just quit?
Brad: I can't. I already told Mom and Dad that I can handle it. I gotta show them that I'm up to the challenge like a real man.
Randy: Well, if you keep on handing in papers like this, you're gonna be the only real man still stuck in the eighth grade.
Brad: How did I get myself into this? I'm behind in everything. I don't know. Maybe I should just tell them the truth.
Randy: I think you're gonna have to... even though it does go against everything I believe in.

Quote from Randy

Brad: How much do I have to pay you?
Randy: Well, it depends on how well you want to do. Ten bucks for an A, five bucks for a B, and $2 for handling.
Brad: What's "handling" supposed to mean?
Randy: Well, after I finish it, I have to hand it to you.

Quote from Tim

Tim: This is great. He's handling this all very well. He's doing his job real good, got an A on that Franco-American-SpaghettiO thing.
Jill: Wait a minute. Listen to this. "Does war bring out the worst in men, or is it the worst in men that brings on war?"
Tim: Oh, oh, oh. That's good. No wonder he got an A.
Jill: That is the same sentence that Randy used on his paper about the Civil War.
Tim: What are you suggesting? Brad wrote Randy's paper.
Jill: Close, but completely wrong. Randy wrote this paper.

Quote from Mark

Jill: Hey, wait. Mark. What are you doing emptying Brad's trash can?
Mark: Um... It used to be mine.
Jill: Oh, I see. So you missed it and you're just emptying it for old times' sake?
Mark: Exactly.
Jill: Yeah, right. Get your can back down over here.

Quote from Tim

Tim: If he's having such a problem with it, then why didn't he just come to us?
Mark: He said he had to show you that he was up to the challenge, like a real man.
Jill: Oh, Tim.
Tim: What? You're the one who told him he could do it.
Jill: Me?
Tim: Yeah. I believe the exact words were, "I have my doubts, but if you say so, Tim."

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