Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Advise and Repent’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: Advise and Repent

505. Advise and Repent

Aired October 24, 1995

After getting an A on her psychology test, Jill starts giving out marital advice to Bert.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, I'm reminded of a fifth-century Indian book, the Panchatantra, which says, "The first mark of intelligence is not to start things."
Jill: So I shouldn't do anything?
Judith: But the Panchatantra goes on to say, "The second mark of intelligence is to pursue to the end what you have started."
Wilson: Well, actually, Judith, I was just about to finish that quote.
Jill: So I should apologize to them?
Judith: I'm sorry. I thought you'd finished.
Wilson: I was merely pausing for the effect.
Jill: The effect was it seemed like you'd finished, dear.
Wilson: Well, I hadn't, dear.
Jill: You know, um, when couples bicker the way that you're doing right now, sometimes I find that it's useful... [they both stare at Jill] for me to just say bye-bye!

Rate

Quote from Randy

Jill: You know what my problem is?
Tim: No. But I bet we're gonna talk about it.
Jill: I am the kind of person who is so eager to fix things that I don't take my time, and then they just blow up in my face.
Randy: You married the right guy.

Quote from Jill

Jill: When is Michelle coming over?
Randy: Any minute now.
Tim: Well, I hope her dad gets here quick. Old Bert's going to help me put on the independent suspension on my hot rod.
Jill: Oh, well, that's good, because a dependent suspension can be so needy. [Tim & Brad stare blankly] In my Psychology class that would've gotten a huge laugh.
Tim: And yet here in the kitchen... death.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You know, Bert, I was just reading something about this. Maybe your wife hasn't individuated from her father.
Bert: Individuated?
Tim: No, no, no, no, no! Time out. Honey, I've told you a million times, psychology has no place in the garage, just like a car does not belong on a shrink's couch. OK?
Jill: Unless the car is in denial and has a big block to work through. That would've killed in Psychology class.
Tim: And yet here in the garage... death.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, they're not getting split up. Your mom went and apologized. It looks like they'll try to work things out.
Randy: Well, that's great. But I still don't get it. Why is Mom starting fights in other people's families?
Tim: My guess is that starting fights here has just become too easy for her.

Quote from Jill

Jill: OK, clear off the refrigerator for the "A" I got on my Psych test.
Brad: I thought you said grades didn't matter.
Mark: Yeah, you said the important thing was learning.
Jill: I was wrong. Now, both of you go up and study. I want your grades as good as mine.
Brad: But you also said that in this family we shouldn't compete with each other.
Jill: I was wrong again.

Quote from Randy

Randy: You think your mom's weird? My mom was driving the car pool, she started singing this weird song- "Do Wah Diddy." Yeah. Must've been from when she was a teenager in the 30s.
Michelle: That's nothing. Remember at the seventh grade dance the chaperone who started doing the Funky Chicken with the principal?
Randy: Oh, man! You got the Funky Chicken mom?
Jill: [sings] There he goes just a-walking down the street Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do
Michelle: Your mom is weirder.
Jill: [sings] Snapping his fingers and shuffling his feet Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do
Randy: Hey, mom.
Jill: [sings] He looked good
Randy: Mom!
Jill: What?
Randy: We're gonna head on over to the mall.
Jill: You want a ride?
Randy: No, thanks. We can "do wah diddy" without one.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, my God! What have I done? I've ruined two lives.
Tim: Let me think about this. I would guess that in a Psychology class your advice would have been huge. And yet... here in the garage with real people... death.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Advance! Advance! Thrust! Parry!
Jill: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, en garde, Taylorette.
Jill: I didn't know you fenced.
Wilson: Oh, Judith loves the sport. I find that a little sword play puts her in the mood to "parry and thrust."

Quote from Wilson

Jill: I mean, I'm glad that I helped nurture one relationship, because last night in the garage, I destroyed another one.
Wilson: Oh, not Tim and Bert, I hope.
Jill: Oh, no, no. That relationship still has a new car smell. No. This is the relationship between Bert and his wife. I really need some advice.
Wilson: Well, rattle my saber, good neighbor.
Jill: OK. I was... [Judith comes out] Oh, Judith! Hi.
Judith: Hello, Jill.
Jill: I am so glad you're here. I need to talk to you.
Wilson: Well, I thought you wanted to talk to me?
Jill: Oh, that's OK, Wilson.
Wilson: Oh. Well, fine. I'll just go over here and thrust and parry by my lonesome.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode