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‘Advise and Repent’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Advise and Repent

505. Advise and Repent

Aired October 24, 1995

After getting an A on her psychology test, Jill starts giving out marital advice to Bert.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, I'm reminded of a fifth-century Indian book, the Panchatantra, which says, "The first mark of intelligence is not to start things."
Jill: So I shouldn't do anything?
Judith: But the Panchatantra goes on to say, "The second mark of intelligence is to pursue to the end what you have started."
Wilson: Well, actually, Judith, I was just about to finish that quote.
Jill: So I should apologize to them?
Judith: I'm sorry. I thought you'd finished.
Wilson: I was merely pausing for the effect.
Jill: The effect was it seemed like you'd finished, dear.
Wilson: Well, I hadn't, dear.
Jill: You know, um, when couples bicker the way that you're doing right now, sometimes I find that it's useful... [they both stare at Jill] for me to just say bye-bye!

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Quote from Randy

Jill: You know what my problem is?
Tim: No. But I bet we're gonna talk about it.
Jill: I am the kind of person who is so eager to fix things that I don't take my time, and then they just blow up in my face.
Randy: You married the right guy.

Quote from Jill

Jill: When is Michelle coming over?
Randy: Any minute now.
Tim: Well, I hope her dad gets here quick. Old Bert's going to help me put on the independent suspension on my hot rod.
Jill: Oh, well, that's good, because a dependent suspension can be so needy. [Tim & Brad stare blankly] In my Psychology class that would've gotten a huge laugh.
Tim: And yet here in the kitchen... death.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You know, Bert, I was just reading something about this. Maybe your wife hasn't individuated from her father.
Bert: Individuated?
Tim: No, no, no, no, no! Time out. Honey, I've told you a million times, psychology has no place in the garage, just like a car does not belong on a shrink's couch. OK?
Jill: Unless the car is in denial and has a big block to work through. That would've killed in Psychology class.
Tim: And yet here in the garage... death.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, they're not getting split up. Your mom went and apologized. It looks like they'll try to work things out.
Randy: Well, that's great. But I still don't get it. Why is Mom starting fights in other people's families?
Tim: My guess is that starting fights here has just become too easy for her.

Quote from Jill

Jill: OK, clear off the refrigerator for the "A" I got on my Psych test.
Brad: I thought you said grades didn't matter.
Mark: Yeah, you said the important thing was learning.
Jill: I was wrong. Now, both of you go up and study. I want your grades as good as mine.
Brad: But you also said that in this family we shouldn't compete with each other.
Jill: I was wrong again.

Quote from Randy

Randy: You think your mom's weird? My mom was driving the car pool, she started singing this weird song- "Do Wah Diddy." Yeah. Must've been from when she was a teenager in the 30s.
Michelle: That's nothing. Remember at the seventh grade dance the chaperone who started doing the Funky Chicken with the principal?
Randy: Oh, man! You got the Funky Chicken mom?
Jill: [sings] There he goes just a-walking down the street Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do
Michelle: Your mom is weirder.
Jill: [sings] Snapping his fingers and shuffling his feet Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do
Randy: Hey, mom.
Jill: [sings] He looked good
Randy: Mom!
Jill: What?
Randy: We're gonna head on over to the mall.
Jill: You want a ride?
Randy: No, thanks. We can "do wah diddy" without one.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, my God! What have I done? I've ruined two lives.
Tim: Let me think about this. I would guess that in a Psychology class your advice would have been huge. And yet... here in the garage with real people... death.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Advance! Advance! Thrust! Parry!
Jill: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, en garde, Taylorette.
Jill: I didn't know you fenced.
Wilson: Oh, Judith loves the sport. I find that a little sword play puts her in the mood to "parry and thrust."

Quote from Wilson

Jill: I mean, I'm glad that I helped nurture one relationship, because last night in the garage, I destroyed another one.
Wilson: Oh, not Tim and Bert, I hope.
Jill: Oh, no, no. That relationship still has a new car smell. No. This is the relationship between Bert and his wife. I really need some advice.
Wilson: Well, rattle my saber, good neighbor.
Jill: OK. I was... [Judith comes out] Oh, Judith! Hi.
Judith: Hello, Jill.
Jill: I am so glad you're here. I need to talk to you.
Wilson: Well, I thought you wanted to talk to me?
Jill: Oh, that's OK, Wilson.
Wilson: Oh. Well, fine. I'll just go over here and thrust and parry by my lonesome.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Welcome to a special live Tool Time with your hosts, Tim Taylor and Al Borland.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Welcome to Tool Time. Today, Al and I are at our project house and we're going to show you how to lay a brick walkway.
Al: Now, the first thing you want to do is pick out your brick pattern.
Tim: So you just go to your bridal registry at your local brickyard.
Al: Today we're going with the classic basket weave.
Tim: All right, this section, we've already laid a concrete slab using Binford's quick-dry cement. This will be a perfect foundation for our brick pavers.
Al: That's right. Gary, if you want to come in here. This is gonna dry very fast. So you want to quickly use your trowel to smooth it out.
Tim: While Al does that, I'll compact and level the next section using Binford's 6100 Power Compactor. [grunts]
Al: Normally, you wouldn't use a power compactor on a job this small, but Tim's not normal.
Tim: Don't talk to me about normal, turtle nanny.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Tim, what are you doing here?
Tim: What are you doing here?
Jill: Well, I came to talk to Dana.
Tim: Oh, no.
Jill: Nice foot. Is this where you come when the emergency room is filled up?
Tim: That's not a bad idea.

Quote from Al

Tim: Today's Tool Time is a rousing salute to semi-gloss and gloss latex.
Al: But first, on a personal note, I'd like to thank our Tool Time audience for their generous outpouring of concern for Scooter the Turtle. We were both overwhelmed by the amount of cards and flowers that you all sent. Unfortunately, because of Scooter's sugar allergies, he was not allowed to eat the chocolate that you sent.
Tim: Bet that didn't stop you and your mom from scarfing all that stuff down.
Al: Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a warm welcome back for Scooter - the fully recovered turtle! Scooter! Scooter!
Tim: Oh, I wonder if little Scooter remembers me. Do you remember...? [biting] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Al: Obviously, he does remember you.
Tim: Ow! Ow!
Al: Scooter, release.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Notice anything different on the refrigerator?
Tim: Someone took down the coupon for a free lube job.
Jill: No! I got an "A" on my Psychology test.
Tim: You didn't throw away the coupon, did you?
Jill: Here is your stupid coupon.

Quote from Jill

Jill: So, you and Michelle have been seeing a lot of each other lately.
Randy: I guess.
Jill: I think she really likes you. What do you think?
Randy: I think I don't want to talk about this with my mother.
Jill: Oh, come on!
Randy: Sorry, Mom. I'm past the age where you give me a cookie and I spill my guts.
Jill: I loved those days. Hey, look, look, look. I've got chocolate chocolate chip.
Randy: Give it up, Mom.
Jill: Well, at least I still have Mark. Oh, hey, honey. You want a cookie?
Mark: Forget it. I'm not spilling my guts.

Quote from Tim

Bert: So, did you decide on an engine yet? Are you gonna go with a big block?
Tim: No. I decided on a flat head.
Bert: Flat head? Taylor, you are an animal. Just as I have you pegged as a big-block guy, you surprise me with a flat head.
Tim: Well, I like to keep you on your toes, Bert.
Bert: Well, usually you're dropping things on 'em.
Tim: Don't quit your day job, OK?

Quote from Tim

Bert: I'm really glad we're doing this today.
Tim: You like hanging with "The Tool Man", huh?
Bert: Especially when my in-laws are visiting.
Tim: Been there. [Jill enters]
Bert: Dana, she really gets crazy when her parents are around.
Tim: Not as crazy as my wife, boy! When her parents come to visit, she's a psycho. And they're not running on all cylinders. They're, like, a couple pistons shy of a V-8, if you know what I mean.
Jill: What do you mean, Tim?
Tim: Huh? Honey, I'm... Bert was telling me about his wife, I wanted to make him feel a better. So I made up stories about your wonderful, understanding, lovely parents.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I'm sure Bert didn't say his wife was crazy.
Bert: Yes, I did. Dana, she's a total nut case when her parents are around. She spends the whole time trying to make her daddy happy.
Jill: Whoa! Do I sense a little hostility there?
Bert: Well, she lets him run her entire life. He's a vet. So she became a vet.
Tim: Yeah? What branch? Army, Navy, what?
Bert: Animal.

Quote from Tim

Bert: Can we get back to this individuated thing? What is that?
Tim: It's a two-hour discussion that'll suck the life out of ya.
Jill: It's an over-attachment to one's parents that continues through adulthood.
Tim: Here we go.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Was your wife an only child, by any chance?
Bert: Yeah. As a matter of fact, she is.
Jill: Well, then, could be a classic case.
Bert: Really?
Jill: Yeah. You know, if this is a problem in your relationship, you really should talk with your wife about it.
Bert: Oh, I don't know. I've brought it up before and every time it ends up in a big fight. Maybe I should just leave well enough alone.
Tim: That's good advice for anyone, Jill.
Jill: Avoidance is never a good idea.
Bert: Really?
[Bert throws the shop towel at Tim and follows Jill into the kitchen]
Bert: Maybe we should talk more about this.
Jill: Sure. You want a cookie?

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