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‘The Kiss and the Kiss Off’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Home Improvement: The Kiss and the Kiss Off

625. The Kiss and the Kiss Off

Aired May 20, 1997

Heidi feels underappreciated when the original Tool Girl, Lisa (Pamela Anderson), returns to the show. Meanwhile, Randy and Lauren go out on their first date.

Quote from Al

Al: What is becoming of Al Borland? I mean, is my sensitivity being obliterated by my overwhelming masculinity?
Lisa: I don't think so, Al.

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Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, which do you think the audience is gonna be more excited about, your primered car or the two tool girls?
Tim: Come on! Tool Time, guys watching... The primered hot rod.
Jill: You are so sweet. I love that you rather look at cars than beautiful women.
Tim: Really?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: You know what that also means?
Jill: What?
Tim: I'd leave you in a second if I met the right Corvette.

Quote from Tim

Jill: What would happen if Binford asked Bob Vila to come and co-host Tool Time whenever he felt like it?
Tim: I'd probably hit him in the head with a board like I did last time.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Uh... you know, Lauren, it's really great that we could have our first date on your birthday. I hope I picked the right restaurant.
Lauren: No. I love it. Are you OK? You seem a little tense.
Randy: I do? Why?
Lauren: You're buttering your hand.
Randy: Dry skin.

Quote from Wilson

Randy: Gosh, Wilson! I'm just worried that Lauren's not gonna like this date. The more worried I get, the more I screw up.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. [Randy sighs] You know, Randy, I'm reminded of the modern-day guru, Baba Ram Dass. His philosophy is "Be here now."
Randy: Well, I am here now. I think that's the problem.
Wilson: No, no, no, no. What Baba Ram Dass means is be here in the moment, don't worry about what will be, savor what is. Say what's on your mind.
Randy: Well, what's on my mind is that Lauren must think I'm a dork.
Wilson: I've seen the way Lauren looks at you. Her eyes definitely do not say "dork."
Randy: Really?
Wilson: Go to her, Randy.
Randy: Well, I would, but she's in the ladies room.
Wilson: Wait.

Quote from Al

Tim: I haven't talked to you in such a long time. You look great!
Lisa: So do you, but something's different.
Al: No bandages.
Lisa: That's it.

Quote from Brad

Tim: First off, Lisa's coming back. And second of all...
Brad: Lisa? Your old tool girl?
Tim: That's not all. We're gonna have...
Brad: Wait. Will Heidi still be there?
Tim: Yeah, but that's not the best part.
Brad: Two tool girls?
Tim: Yes, Brad!

Quote from Al

Lisa: Hey. Big news. You're looking at Detroit Memorial's newest paramedic.
Al: Congratulations!
Lisa: Thank you!
Al: Boy, it didn't take you long to find a job!
Lisa: Well, they said three years working with Tim was like ten years' experience in emergency.
Al: Ain't that the truth?

Quote from Heidi

Tim: All right, I shouldn't have invited Lisa on the show without asking you how you felt about it.
Heidi: Tim, I wouldn't have minded if I felt like my work was appreciated.
Tim: Come on, I appreciate your work. You know that.
Heidi: No, I don't. You never say anything about it.
Tim: You're a very important part of Tool Time. You're the one who gets there early every day, sets up all the projects. You're the first one out front with a fire extinguisher.
Heidi: Well, that's called self-defense.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Mom, you are not gonna believe it. Lauren and I are finally going out on a date.
Jill: Congratulations!
Randy: Yes. This brings Lauren and me to a whole new level. By the way, what does that mean?
Jill: Well, that you're about to enter a more mature, evolved relationship based on trust and communication. Which means you'll have to be constantly in tune with Lauren's innermost feelings.
Randy: [grunts] Oh, miss the old level.

Quote from Al

Tim: Hi. Welcome back to Tool Time and our salute... [muffled engine revving] Well, it's either a salute to bean dip... or to custom cars.
Al: And next up we have a very special guest helping us out today.
Tim: I'm so excited that I'm not gonna wait. Heidi, bring out our original tool girl, please.
Heidi: Here you are, Tim. [audience applauds, cheers]
Al: Well, as you all know, Lisa has been off at school studying to be an emergency medical technician. You've certainly come to the right show. [Al & Lisa laugh]

Quote from Mark

Mark: Nice. Is that Lauren's birthday gift?
Randy: Yeah. I got her a really nice pen, engraved with her initials.
Mark: A pen? And you want to be her boyfriend?
Randy: Mark, what would you know about impressing a girl?
Mark: I know it doesn't involve office supplies.

Quote from Randy

Lauren: Well, I'd better get going. It was really great studying with you, Randy.
Randy: Yeah. Um... hey, Lauren? Isn't your birthday this Friday?
Lauren: You remembered.
Randy: Well, yeah. You know, I always remember the most important birthdays. You know, Washington, Lincoln, Lauren.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Looks like we have time for one more letter.
Heidi: Here you are.
Tim: A big one. This one is from a Katie Allen, one of our younger viewers, look at that, a little picture for us.
Audience: Oh.
Tim: A little Tool Time bench. There's me... after a weekend in Cancun, evidently. There's Al. And Heidi's carrying, looks like, a chainsaw backstage. Thank you, Katie, very nice.
Heidi: Cute.
Al: Well, Katie, you're a very talented artist.
Tim: Artist? She's a magician. Look how thin she made you look.

Quote from Jill

Randy: So, Mom, what kind of food did Dad take you for on your first date?
Jill: Italian. Meatball subs in the Sears parking lot.
Randy: Well, I think Lauren might prefer something indoors.
Jill: [laughs] Yeah.

Quote from Tim

Lisa: Fire in the hold!
Tim: Boy, she's really doing a good job over there! Ow!
Heidi: I'll get the first-aid kit!
Lisa: Don't worry, Heidi. I came prepared. It's OK, everybody. It's just a surface abrasion.
Tim: Just a surface abrasion. It's OK. This is great. A tool girl that knows how to administer first aid. Pretty impressive, huh? Huh? [audience cheers, applauds]

Quote from Brad

Jill: What's going on?
Tim: She quit.
Brad: I can't believe she's not going to be on Tool Time anymore.
Jill: Tim, what did you do?
Tim: Nothing.
Brad: Nothing? You just took away my reason for living.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I can't believe she wants to quit the show. That's like abandoning the Tool Time family.
Jill: Well, it might have something to do with her "step-sister."
Tim: Al?
Jill: I'm talking about Lisa.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Did you ask Heidi how she felt about Lisa coming back to the show whenever she wants?
Tim: As a matter of fact... no.
Jill: Did you make sure that you didn't feature Lisa on the show any more than you featured Heidi?
Tim: As I recall... no.
Jill: Did you, at any time, tell Heidi that Lisa coming back on the show was in no way a threat to her job?
Tim: I'll have to go... with "no."
Jill: Do you see a pattern here?
Tim: No.

Quote from Randy

Randy: You know, I am so sorry. The salesman told me it was a high-quality pen.
Lauren: Oh, don't worry about it, Randy. The ink actually matches my skirt.

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