Ilene: I can't believe we felt sorry for him.
Al: Me neither. He's just a freeloading... scalawag!
Tim: Scalawag?! Watch your language. There's children here.

Benny: What's everybody else doing?
Marty: [stammering] I'm going to the in-laws.
Harry: Dining with my wife's evil twin.

Tim: A happy Thanksgiving to all of you. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Of course you all know my assistant, Al Borland. [cheering]
Al: Thank you. Well, Thursday is Thanksgiving. A day when a man can enjoy the companionship of friends and family.
Tim: Yeah, yeah. Yadda-yadda-yadda-yadda. To a man, Thanksgiving means two things: Really sharp knives and carving up that bird. Am I right?
Al: That's right. And today, Tim and I will introduce our first annual Tool Time turkey-carving race.
Tim: That's right. It's the Butterball... [gobbling] ...Five Hundred. And in the starting grid with us today, we have two of the fastest men. Let's give a warm Tool Time welcome to our special guests, Michael and Mario Andretti! [car revving] [cheering]
Mario Andretti: I had the line, Michael.
Michael Andretti: You squeezed me, Dad.
Tim: Michael and Mario are in town for a tribute to the late Jim Chapman, a great racing icon. OK, guys, you all set?
Michael Andretti: All set.
Al: Well, you guys may know lndy cars, but nobody can beat my bird.
Tim: [blows raspberry, laughs] Right, Al! Look at this baby. A 20-pound tom turkey, free-range, butter-injected.
[grunts]
Al: We'll see about that. Calling today's turkey race is Indy car announcer, Jack Arute.
Tim: All right! [cheering] Welcome to Tool Time.
Jack Arute: OK, gentlemen! [rock plays] [Arute] Ready? Start your turkeys! Michael Andretti is in the poultry position. But look! Mario's already got a wing off. Al's not doing bad with his bird. And Tim... is the slowest turkey-carver I've ever seen. Look at the way Michael Andretti attacks that thigh. Mario's no slouch with a drumstick. And look! Al's already down to the white meat. Folks, Tim is already out of contention...
[Tim starts carving his turkey with a chainsaw]

Mark: Ooh, what's that?
Jill: Wilson gave that to us for Thanksgiving. It's a homemade eel pie.
Mark: Eel pie?
Jill: Yeah. It's a traditional Pilgrim thing. Which explains why there are no more Pilgrims.
Mark: Wilson's not coming this year. Why don't we throw it out?
Jill: Oh, I can't do that. Wilson put his heart and soul and half his aquarium in it.

Marty: You, uh... you starting the lighting contest a little early?
Tim: Well, my strategy this year is to intimidate Doc Johnson, OK?
Marty: What are you gonna do? Stick a reindeer head in his bed? [off Tim's look] Oh...
Tim: That's not a bad idea.

Al: Tim, what time do you want me and Ilene to come over for Thanksgiving dinner?
Tim: Well, dinner's at three. So why don't you guys show up at 6, 6:30?
Harry: [laughs] Oh, yeah. You know what? That reminds me. Benny's looking for you. He's waiting for his Thanksgiving invite.
Tim: Well, I don't know how to tell him, but he's not getting invited this year.
Al: You're not inviting Benny? How come?
Tim: Well, why is it my turn every year? Last year he ate 12 pounds of turkey, he drank out of the gravy boat then bobs for marshmallows in the sweet potatoes.
Marty: You did the same thing.
Tim: My house.

Marty: Hey, Benny! How are you doing?
Benny: All right.
Marty: What do you got there?
Benny: Well, I was a little hungry and it was sample day at the supermarket. Care for an imitation crab puff?
Marty: [laughs] No. I'm allergic. I get imitation hives.

Benny: Excuse me. [answers phone] Hello. Yeah, Skipper. Keep praying. Yeah, what's the spread on the Lions game? All right. Put me down for 200 bucks on Kansas City. Happy Thanksgiving to you too. [hangs up] [chuckles] OK, let's chow down.
Jill: Benny, a person who is destitute shouldn't be gambling.
Benny: I agree. What does that have to do with me?
Tim: Well... The truth is, Randy and I saw you last night at the soup kitchen.
Benny: What were you doing there?
Tim: Well, Randy's helping out. What were you doing there?
Benny: I like the soup.
Jill: You like the soup?
Al: That's despicable. You're stealing food from the needy.
Benny: I don't steal it. I pay for it with my tax dollars.
Tim: What tax dollars? You haven't had a job in years.

Tim: I'm glad you're still here, Benny.
Benny: Where else would I go? Who would want Benny Baroni?
Tim: Why would anybody want you, Benny? You do such sleazy things sometimes.
Benny: I don't mean any harm by it. It's just my nature.
Tim: Yeah. What do you do at Christmas time, steal something from the Salvation Army?
Benny: What would I want with a little bell?

Tim: Benny, have you ever heard the phrase "giving something back?"
Benny: I've heard of it. I don't know what it means.
Tim: Well, it means taking the time to think about other people. People that are really less fortunate than you are.
Benny: I guess I shouldn't have taken soup from people who really need it.
Tim: That's right.
Benny: I shouldn't mooch off of Harry and you... ...every supermarket chain in the greater Detroit area.
Tim: And parts of Toledo.