Tim: You have to have a bigger toolbox to compensate for your teensy-weensy paycheck.
Al: No, Tim. I need a bigger toolbox because I'm your assistant. And I need to be ready for any of your particular needs.
Tim: Oh, yeah, you do. [grunts] You're really shaping up around here, Al.
Al: Well, I have plenty of room in here for bandages, couple of ice packs.
Tim: Stop it, Al. Cut it out.
Al: Oh, a tourniquet.
Tim: I hope you have a job application in there, buddy.
Al: Crutches.
Tim: Huh?
Al: IV unit.

Jill: All right, all right, all right. I'll clean the closet out.
Tim: There's got to be something in here you can get rid of.
Jill: Yeah, but I stayed married to it because of the kids.

Tim: You know, Wilson... Brad's going through this thing where he doesn't want me to hug him anymore.
Wilson: Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm. He's finally reached that age.
Tim: It's a funny thing, you know. He doesn't want me to touch him, but he'll still wrestle and roughhouse with me.
Wilson: Well, that's because throughout history men have been more comfortable expressing affection through combative gestures. Such as the salute.
Tim: The salute?
Wilson: Oh, yes, Tim. In the Middle Ages, when knights on horseback would pass by each other, they would raise the visors of their helmets to expose their face, and show each other that they were friends. And that became...
Tim: A salute.
Wilson: A sign of friendship and respect. In the same vein, the handshake evolved when men would extend their weapon hand to show that they were unarmed. [shakes Tim's hand through the fence]
Tim: Or to show they didn't have a little joke buzzer in there.
Wilson: There you go, neighbor. Men's gestures of friendship, and respect, grow out of competition and combat.

Jill: There's some more groceries out there.
Tim: Forget the groceries. I wanna go up to the bedroom. There's something up there you've been waiting for for a long time.
Jill: Oh, OK. I guess I'll be back down before the ice cream melts.

Tim: The point is, there's many ways to show another man you appreciate him. And I think, if you're secure enough, you can give another man a manly squeeze. Al, how about a hug?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Tim: I got a question for you. How many belts do you own?
Al: Two.
Tim: That's right. Because men are practical. We only need two belts. One to hold our trousers up, and another heavy tool belt to drag 'em back down. Right, Al? Unlike my wife, who's got 47 belts. She says six are red, even though she calls 'em scarlet and vermin.
Al: I believe he means vermilion.
Tim: No, he means vermin. One is actually made out of rat hair.

Tim: Guys, guys, guys. I don't know whether you're aware of this, but that's a combative gesture.
Dwayne: Oh, I was just horsing around with my little buddy here.
Tim: No, no, no, no, no. It's a good thing. The knights used to do it. The Middle-Age guys used to extend their hands to show they had no arms.
Pete: Anybody follow that?
Tim: I'm saying that's the way you show appreciation of one another.

Tim: You got too much stuff in here. You got 30 hats in here.
Jill: I wear all of them.
Tim: Oh, yeah?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: You wear this?
Jill: I did in seventh grade when I was Carmen Miranda.
Tim: And you still need it?
Jill: Yes. Whenever I go to a new grocery store I point to it and say: "What aisle are these in?"

Tim: I'm telling you, if you don't throw some of this stuff out, I'm gonna organize this closet and get one with more power.
Jill: No. No.
Tim: I can hear my power tools calling right now. "Come on, Tim. Plug us in, we're ready to serve."
Jill: I don't hear anything.
Tim: 'Cause women can't hear power tools talking.

Tim: Thank you very much. And welcome once again to Tool Time. I am, of course, your host, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. You all know my assistant, Al "add a G, you got Gal" Borland.
Al: Tim, we got lots of letters from viewers, saying they're very tired of you making fun of my name.
Tim: Tell your mom to stop writing.