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‘Bell Bottom Blues’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Bell Bottom Blues

213. Bell Bottom Blues

Aired January 6, 1993

Tim begs Jill to throw away some of her clothes or else he'll renovate the closet.

Quote from Al

Tim: You have to have a bigger toolbox to compensate for your teensy-weensy paycheck.
Al: No, Tim. I need a bigger toolbox because I'm your assistant. And I need to be ready for any of your particular needs.
Tim: Oh, yeah, you do. [grunts] You're really shaping up around here, Al.
Al: Well, I have plenty of room in here for bandages, couple of ice packs.
Tim: Stop it, Al. Cut it out.
Al: Oh, a tourniquet.
Tim: I hope you have a job application in there, buddy.
Al: Crutches.
Tim: Huh?
Al: IV unit.

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Quote from Jill

Jill: All right, all right, all right. I'll clean the closet out.
Tim: There's got to be something in here you can get rid of.
Jill: Yeah, but I stayed married to it because of the kids.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: You know, Wilson... Brad's going through this thing where he doesn't want me to hug him anymore.
Wilson: Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm. He's finally reached that age.
Tim: It's a funny thing, you know. He doesn't want me to touch him, but he'll still wrestle and roughhouse with me.
Wilson: Well, that's because throughout history men have been more comfortable expressing affection through combative gestures. Such as the salute.
Tim: The salute?
Wilson: Oh, yes, Tim. In the Middle Ages, when knights on horseback would pass by each other, they would raise the visors of their helmets to expose their face, and show each other that they were friends. And that became...
Tim: A salute.
Wilson: A sign of friendship and respect. In the same vein, the handshake evolved when men would extend their weapon hand to show that they were unarmed. [shakes Tim's hand through the fence]
Tim: Or to show they didn't have a little joke buzzer in there.
Wilson: There you go, neighbor. Men's gestures of friendship, and respect, grow out of competition and combat.

Quote from Jill

Jill: There's some more groceries out there.
Tim: Forget the groceries. I wanna go up to the bedroom. There's something up there you've been waiting for for a long time.
Jill: Oh, OK. I guess I'll be back down before the ice cream melts.

Quote from Al

Tim: The point is, there's many ways to show another man you appreciate him. And I think, if you're secure enough, you can give another man a manly squeeze. Al, how about a hug?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I got a question for you. How many belts do you own?
Al: Two.
Tim: That's right. Because men are practical. We only need two belts. One to hold our trousers up, and another heavy tool belt to drag 'em back down. Right, Al? Unlike my wife, who's got 47 belts. She says six are red, even though she calls 'em scarlet and vermin.
Al: I believe he means vermilion.
Tim: No, he means vermin. One is actually made out of rat hair.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Guys, guys, guys. I don't know whether you're aware of this, but that's a combative gesture.
Dwayne: Oh, I was just horsing around with my little buddy here.
Tim: No, no, no, no, no. It's a good thing. The knights used to do it. The Middle-Age guys used to extend their hands to show they had no arms.
Pete: Anybody follow that?
Tim: I'm saying that's the way you show appreciation of one another.

Quote from Jill

Tim: You got too much stuff in here. You got 30 hats in here.
Jill: I wear all of them.
Tim: Oh, yeah?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: You wear this?
Jill: I did in seventh grade when I was Carmen Miranda.
Tim: And you still need it?
Jill: Yes. Whenever I go to a new grocery store I point to it and say: "What aisle are these in?"

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'm telling you, if you don't throw some of this stuff out, I'm gonna organize this closet and get one with more power.
Jill: No. No.
Tim: I can hear my power tools calling right now. "Come on, Tim. Plug us in, we're ready to serve."
Jill: I don't hear anything.
Tim: 'Cause women can't hear power tools talking.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Thank you very much. And welcome once again to Tool Time. I am, of course, your host, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. You all know my assistant, Al "add a G, you got Gal" Borland.
Al: Tim, we got lots of letters from viewers, saying they're very tired of you making fun of my name.
Tim: Tell your mom to stop writing.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I know what I'm doing here. I'm gonna remodel it to maximize every square inch of that thing. Look what I ordered for you at the Furniture Barn today.
Jill: What did you order for me at the Furniture Barn today? [Tim whistles] A Super Goliath modular closet system.
Tim: Oh-ho-ho. Chrome shelves, tubular steel rods at top and bottom. All the rivets are hidden, you can't even see... Matte-black finish everywhere. It's got seven drawers in the middle of it.
Jill: Tim, I just need someplace to hang my blouses. This looks like an offshore oil rig.
Tim: Oh, yeah. Just like the North Sea, where the men smell like fish. [grunts]

Quote from Tim

Jill: If, by some slim chance, we did redo the closet, this is the one that I would like.
Tim: The Lady Lavender quilted-vinyl organizer?
Jill: Yeah. Yeah.
Tim: Come on.
Jill: Look, it comes with ten padded scented hangers.
Tim: Scented hangers? I do not want the closet smelling like Madame Foufou's Perfume Parlor. I want it smelling like sawdust... motor oil... the bottom of men's feet.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Hi ho, neighbor.
Tim: Hey, Wilson. What are you up to?
Wilson: I'm tending my tulips, Tim.
Tim: Little late in the year for that, isn't it?
Wilson: Well, I'm forcing them.
Tim: How? By squeezing their bulbs?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, Tim. Forcing flower bulbs is making them bloom out of season by growing them indoors in pots.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Kinda like when football players, you know, slap each other on the rear end.
Wilson: Exactly! You see, Tim, each man should show affection in the way that he feels most comfortable.
Tim: Mm. A nicely-rolled wet towel. [whip sound] Ow!
Wilson: Well, I myself prefer a warm hug, but I suppose the slashing sting of wet terry cloth has its place.
Tim: Sure did in my high school.
Wilson: Of course, only a man who is truly secure can feel free enough to hug another man.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, secure enough. Oh, yeah!

Quote from Pete

Al: What does this have to do with stucco?
Tim: Nothing. But Tool Time's more than just home improvement. It's also about male improvement. I think it's time we took a little time out to talk about male appreciation. Like hugging.
Rock: Oh, bubba.
Dwayne: But, Tim, when you asked us to be on this show, you didn't say nothin' about no huggin'.
Tim: Well, it's OK for another man to hug another man, isn't it?
Dwayne & Pete: No.
Dwayne: I don't even hug my wife.
Pete: That's 'cause you can't get your arms around her.

Quote from Dwayne

Tim: Well, then, help me out, guys. How does one man show another man he just appreciates what he does?
Dwayne: Well, you buy him a couple Lions tickets.
Tim: Hey, all right.
Rock: Or let him borrow your truck.
Tim: Good one.
Pete: You could pour beer over his head.
Tim: Yeah, yeah!
Dwayne: And I did not appreciate that.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, bucko. How was school today? Anything your principal wants me to autograph?
Brad: No.
Tim: I was thinking about you at work today. And I think I understand about how you feel about this hugging thing.
Brad: So, I'm not grounded?
Tim: Nice try. No, I just think that maybe sometimes hugging's inappropriate, and maybe I shouldn't have done it in front of your friends. But that's no reason to hit anybody.
Brad: Dad, what do you expect me to do when people are making fun of me?
Tim: I expect you to use your head. Laugh.
Brad: What?
Tim: When people used to tease me, I'd laugh. People can't laugh at you if you're already laughing at yourself. You know what I'm saying?
Brad: You want me to use other parts of my brain besides my fists?
Tim: Yeah. And I know you're having trouble hugging a man. But remember, I'm your father. I'm not a man.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Anyway, I promise I won't hug you in front of your buddies anymore.
Brad: OK.
Tim: But I'm still gonna say I love you.
Brad: Oh, Dad, that's ten times worse than hugging.
Tim: Wait a minute, hold on a minute. It's not like that. It's like, we'll be at a ball game. Pretend we're at a ball game. Instead of saying, "I love you," I'll say something like, "How 'bout the Lions?" We'll both know what I'm talking about.
Brad: OK. But don't say it too mushy.
Tim: You mean like... "How 'bout those Lions?"

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to the Tim Taylor clothing-management system. It's unique, it's high-tech, it's the answer to your disorganized prayers. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.
Jill: I have to use a remote?
Tim: Trust me. Press "one."
Tim's computerized voice: Hello, Jill Taylor. What shall we wear today?
Jill: Hold on a minute. Does this mean I'm gonna have, like, a little man in here watching me get undressed every day?
Tim: Yep.

Quote from Tim

Tim: If you'll notice, the closet's all cedar lined for all our big clothes. Trousers, jackets, scarves, upper clothes, there's shirts, skirts at the bottom, pants, everything else, OK?
Jill: This is perfect, so far.
Tim: All right. You'll notice all your stuff is pink. I got all your accessories outlined here. I've even got a drawer for your scarves. Open that.
Jill: Oh, OK. Whoa!
Tim: Wait a minute. Could that be potpourri-scented lining?
Jill: I'm still waiting for the explosion.
Tim: Come on. I'd suggest you shut that drawer.
Tim's computerized voice: The drawer is ajar. The drawer is ajar. The drawer is a... [Jill closes the drawer] Thank you.
Jill: You're welcome.

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