George Foreman: Well, if I'm going to hit that nail, Tim, I've got to get angry with it.
Tim: Huh?
George Foreman: So I'm going to close my eyes and imagine it's Evander Holyfield. You going to hold that nail for me?
Tim: Al, hold that nail.
Al: I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: George, hold your own nail.
George Foreman: I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: Lisa?
Lisa: [o.s.] I don't think so, Tim.

Jill: Honey, I was just making this list, and, you know, I don't think that all this bad luck is just because of that chain letter.
Tim: You don't, do you?
Jill: No, listen to this. In the last month, you have done the following. Backed a pickup truck into a house, almost electrocuted yourself three times, nailed your shoe into the floor, and glued your head to a table.
Tim: What's your point?
Jill: Well, the point is, it's not the chain letter that's bringing you bad luck. It's you. You're a klutz. Isn't that great?
Tim: Honey, I'm thrilled.

Jill: George Foreman?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Is he an athlete?
Tim: Yes, Jill.
Jill: I know who he is.
Tim: I know you do.
Jill: He's the quarterback for the Detroit Tigers.
Karen: No, no, no. No, no, that's Arnold Palmer.
Jill: No, no, he's a race car driver.
Tim: Ladies, ladies...
Tim: No, he's... Look...
Karen: Yeah, he won the Super Bowl.
Tim: [grunts] George Foreman happens to be the former heavy weight champion of the world.
Jill: Oh, wow. In what sport?
Tim: [sighs] Boxing. He's a boxer, Jill. Boxing.

Tim: Wilson, you over there?
Wilson: As far as I know, Tim.
Tim: Are you a superstitious man, Wilson?
Wilson: No, I'm not, Tim. Knock wood.

Tim: Well, I'm not superstitious either, but I know this guy that, in one day, got a black eye, flattened his finger, and dyed his hands an odd color.
Wilson: Green?
Tim: Yeah. It's me. I've been having this string of bad luck lately. I wonder if it's because I threw out this cheesy chain letter.
Wilson: Well, personally, Tim, I place no credence in chain letters. Of course, I did have a friend once who didn't return a chain letter, and he disappeared mysteriously. He was a naval officer in Borneo.
Tim: He was decapitated.
Wilson: No!
Tim: Oh, yeah... [grunts]
Wilson: Well, I'll have to send the family a card.

Wilson: Well, Tim, the problem may not be the chain letter. Someone's planted the concept of bad luck in your mind, and therefore your subconscious is expecting bad luck. Ergo, bad luck happens.
Tim: There you go. Bad luck. Bad luck. What if someone wasn't as enlightened as me? How would they get rid of that curse?
Wilson: Well, some people think it can be broken by carrying garlic and wolfsbane.
Tim: Wolfsbane?
Wilson: Mm-hmm. Genus Aconitum Vulpana.
Tim: Yeah, sure.
Wilson: Also called monkshood. It's a herb indigenous to the Eurasian plain. It's very, very rare. Almost impossible to find.
Tim: Where would I go get some?
Wilson: Right here, Tim.
Tim: Do you have any garlic?
Wilson: Be my guest. Try to bring that back, Tim. I'm making pizza.

Tim: Honey, they double dared him.
Jill: So?
Tim: So, our son was challenged. He met the challenge and he's earned their respect.
Jill: Oh, I see. So if these kids tell him that he should jump off a cliff he should do that?
Tim: Ooh, you'd need a bigger bike for that. This is a pretty common thing for kids. Oh, when I was young, ten years old, they're dredging Quarton Lake, my buddies challenged me to jump off of a dock into three feet of mud naked. And I did it. To this day, do you know what they call me?
Jill: The village idiot?

Jill: Let me see, let me see. "Within 24 hours of receiving this chain letter, it must be sent to ten people. If you break the chain, you will have bad luck."
Tim: Oh, I'm shaking in my shorts. Look at this. Watch this.
Jill: Shake all you want, but listen to this. "A naval officer in Borneo disregarded this letter and three days later, he was decapitated."
Tim: "Naval officer gets his head cut off." You read it wrong. It says, "A head waiter got his navel cut off."
Jill: Don't do that. Why take chances? You don't know. This naval officer might have had his head cut off.
Tim: Honey, honey, don't worry. If you get your head cut off, I'll staple gun it back on.

Tim: You sound like Jill. She got all upset this morning 'cause some idiot sent me a stupid chain letter.
Al: Well, he wasn't necessarily an idiot, Tim.
Tim: Well, I don't care what he was. I threw it out.
Al: Well, you... You shouldn't have done that. You know, something bad could happen.
Tim: Like what?
Al: I don't know. You... you could be decapitated.
Tim: You sent me that letter, didn't you?
Al: I didn't say I sent it. The chain letter says you're not supposed to say.
Tim: What chain letter?
Al: The one I'm not saying I sent you.
Tim: I should've figured it was you. I'm the only person you know.

Lisa: Tim, Tim, did you see this message? Someone named George Foreman called and he said, "I'd be happy to do it."
Tim: Yes! Thank you, Lisa.
Al: George Foreman the boxer?
Tim: No, this is George Foreman the hypnotist. Yes, George Foreman the boxer.
Al: Well, that's great. Is he gonna come on the show and build something?
Tim: No, I suggest he come on and spar with you for a couple of hours.