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‘Unchained Malady’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Unchained Malady

119. Unchained Malady

Aired February 25, 1992

Jill warns Tim not to throw away a chain letter or he'll get bad luck. Meanwhile, George Foreman is a guest on Tool Time.

Quote from Al

George Foreman: Well, if I'm going to hit that nail, Tim, I've got to get angry with it.
Tim: Huh?
George Foreman: So I'm going to close my eyes and imagine it's Evander Holyfield. You going to hold that nail for me?
Tim: Al, hold that nail.
Al: I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: George, hold your own nail.
George Foreman: I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: Lisa?
Lisa: [o.s.] I don't think so, Tim.

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Quote from Jill

Jill: Honey, I was just making this list, and, you know, I don't think that all this bad luck is just because of that chain letter.
Tim: You don't, do you?
Jill: No, listen to this. In the last month, you have done the following. Backed a pickup truck into a house, almost electrocuted yourself three times, nailed your shoe into the floor, and glued your head to a table.
Tim: What's your point?
Jill: Well, the point is, it's not the chain letter that's bringing you bad luck. It's you. You're a klutz. Isn't that great?
Tim: Honey, I'm thrilled.

Quote from Jill

Jill: George Foreman?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Is he an athlete?
Tim: Yes, Jill.
Jill: I know who he is.
Tim: I know you do.
Jill: He's the quarterback for the Detroit Tigers.
Karen: No, no, no. No, no, that's Arnold Palmer.
Jill: No, no, he's a race car driver.
Tim: Ladies, ladies...
Tim: No, he's... Look...
Karen: Yeah, he won the Super Bowl.
Tim: [grunts] George Foreman happens to be the former heavy weight champion of the world.
Jill: Oh, wow. In what sport?
Tim: [sighs] Boxing. He's a boxer, Jill. Boxing.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Wilson, you over there?
Wilson: As far as I know, Tim.
Tim: Are you a superstitious man, Wilson?
Wilson: No, I'm not, Tim. Knock wood.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Well, I'm not superstitious either, but I know this guy that, in one day, got a black eye, flattened his finger, and dyed his hands an odd color.
Wilson: Green?
Tim: Yeah. It's me. I've been having this string of bad luck lately. I wonder if it's because I threw out this cheesy chain letter.
Wilson: Well, personally, Tim, I place no credence in chain letters. Of course, I did have a friend once who didn't return a chain letter, and he disappeared mysteriously. He was a naval officer in Borneo.
Tim: He was decapitated.
Wilson: No!
Tim: Oh, yeah... [grunts]
Wilson: Well, I'll have to send the family a card.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, Tim, the problem may not be the chain letter. Someone's planted the concept of bad luck in your mind, and therefore your subconscious is expecting bad luck. Ergo, bad luck happens.
Tim: There you go. Bad luck. Bad luck. What if someone wasn't as enlightened as me? How would they get rid of that curse?
Wilson: Well, some people think it can be broken by carrying garlic and wolfsbane.
Tim: Wolfsbane?
Wilson: Mm-hmm. Genus Aconitum Vulpana.
Tim: Yeah, sure.
Wilson: Also called monkshood. It's a herb indigenous to the Eurasian plain. It's very, very rare. Almost impossible to find.
Tim: Where would I go get some?
Wilson: Right here, Tim.
Tim: Do you have any garlic?
Wilson: Be my guest. Try to bring that back, Tim. I'm making pizza.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Let me see, let me see. "Within 24 hours of receiving this chain letter, it must be sent to ten people. If you break the chain, you will have bad luck."
Tim: Oh, I'm shaking in my shorts. Look at this. Watch this.
Jill: Shake all you want, but listen to this. "A naval officer in Borneo disregarded this letter and three days later, he was decapitated."
Tim: "Naval officer gets his head cut off." You read it wrong. It says, "A head waiter got his navel cut off."
Jill: Don't do that. Why take chances? You don't know. This naval officer might have had his head cut off.
Tim: Honey, honey, don't worry. If you get your head cut off, I'll staple gun it back on.

Quote from Al

Tim: You sound like Jill. She got all upset this morning 'cause some idiot sent me a stupid chain letter.
Al: Well, he wasn't necessarily an idiot, Tim.
Tim: Well, I don't care what he was. I threw it out.
Al: Well, you... You shouldn't have done that. You know, something bad could happen.
Tim: Like what?
Al: I don't know. You... you could be decapitated.
Tim: You sent me that letter, didn't you?
Al: I didn't say I sent it. The chain letter says you're not supposed to say.
Tim: What chain letter?
Al: The one I'm not saying I sent you.
Tim: I should've figured it was you. I'm the only person you know.

Quote from Tim

Lisa: Tim, Tim, did you see this message? Someone named George Foreman called and he said, "I'd be happy to do it."
Tim: Yes! Thank you, Lisa.
Al: George Foreman the boxer?
Tim: No, this is George Foreman the hypnotist. Yes, George Foreman the boxer.
Al: Well, that's great. Is he gonna come on the show and build something?
Tim: No, I suggest he come on and spar with you for a couple of hours.

Quote from Randy

Brad: I can't believe you tried that stupid jump on your new bike. You're going to be grounded till you're dead.
Randy: We have to think of a lie fast.
Brad: We could say lightning hit it.
Randy: Yeah, right. I just wish there was some way we could blame this on Mark.
Brad: Yeah, he believes everything we say. We could tell him he did it.
Randy: That's even dumber than the lightning.

Quote from Brad

Tim: Do you know anything about this?
Brad: It looks like it was hit by lightning.
Tim: Yeah, right. Lightning?
Randy: Yeah, Mom?
Tim: What happened to the bike?
Randy: Well, it was hit by...
Jill: Don't say "lightning".
Randy: Wind.
Brad: A strong wind.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What happened to the bike?
Randy: Dad, your hands are green.
Tim: They were hit by lightning.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Stevie Randall double dared me to jump the ramp down at the park.
Jill: What ramp at the park?
Randy: We built this five-foot ramp at the bottom of the hill to see how far we could jump.
Jill: Five feet?
Tim: Five feet? [chuckles] Wow. You must have been shooting off that thing. [off Jill's look] Man is not supposed to fly!

Quote from Jill

Tim: Honey, they double dared him.
Jill: So?
Tim: So, our son was challenged. He met the challenge and he's earned their respect.
Jill: Oh, I see. So if these kids tell him that he should jump off a cliff he should do that?
Tim: Ooh, you'd need a bigger bike for that. This is a pretty common thing for kids. Oh, when I was young, ten years old, they're dredging Quarton Lake, my buddies challenged me to jump off of a dock into three feet of mud naked. And I did it. To this day, do you know what they call me?
Jill: The village idiot?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to the show. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Al: And I'm Al "The Lucky Man" Borland.
Tim: You know, we've got a big show this week. We've got a special guest. A very special guest. The former and maybe future heavy weight champion of the world. Let's bring him out here, Mr. "More Power" himself, George Foreman. Yeah. You know, this is a building show. We build things. What would you like to build?
George Foreman: How about a sandwich?
Tim: Well, actually, we're gonna build a staircase.
George Foreman: I never ate a staircase.
Tim: Well, don't start now. We only have one of them, you know?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Before we get going, I'd like you to sit down and ask you a few questions, if I could. A little conversation about challenges. You're a renowned heavy weight. You've met a lot of challenges in your life. Has there ever been a challenge you've been unable to meet?
George Foreman: There was this seafood buffet once. I wanted to eat 16 plates of fried shrimp.
Tim: Yeah.
George Foreman: But when I got to the 13th plate, I had trouble. I started to stagger.
Tim: Whoo. What about the 14th plate?
George Foreman: TKO.
Tim: Ah, that TKO thing. Yeah.
George Foreman: Totally keeled over.
Tim: Ha. Well, I guess we can safely say you're the heavy champion of the world. Well... you know... I meant... Just a little joke, George.
George Foreman: That dinner taught me something, Tim.
Tim: What's that?
George Foreman: A man's got to know his limitations.
Tim: Yeah. That's some good advice from the champ.

Quote from Al

George Foreman: Hey, Tim, is there something wrong with your eye?
Tim: No, no. I hit it on something.
Al: [to camera] His wife's fist.
Tim: Thanks, Al.
George Foreman: You need to put a thick steak on that eye.
Tim: I thought you were supposed to put ice on a black eye.
George Foreman: Oh, when you're done with ice, you can't barbecue it.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Tim, look at this.
Randy: Hey, Mom, did you know Dad jumped into three feet of mud naked?
Jill: Again?

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'm not superstitious. This is your fault.
Jill: Mine?
Tim: Yes. You were the one that planted the idea of bad luck in my mind and let the ergo out of my subconscious. [Jill scoffs] Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Jill: I did what?
Tim: Don't deny this. You and I are a lot different because I don't buy into that hocus-pocus jazz. What?
Jill: Is that garlic I smell?
Tim: That's a cologne.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Here you go. Good as new.
Karen: Oh, come on, Tim. You can't tell me that actually works.
Tim: Just like it was. [hairdryer blows]
Karen: Impressed.
Tim: Doesn't take a genius to fix a hair dyer.
Jill: And that's why we asked you.
Karen: Good one, Jill.
Jill: Thank you so much.
Tim: [high-pitched voice] I just love it when we girls get together and do our little estrogen humor.

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