Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Unchained Malady’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: Unchained Malady

119. Unchained Malady

Aired February 25, 1992

Jill warns Tim not to throw away a chain letter or he'll get bad luck. Meanwhile, George Foreman is a guest on Tool Time.

Quote from Al

George Foreman: Well, if I'm going to hit that nail, Tim, I've got to get angry with it.
Tim: Huh?
George Foreman: So I'm going to close my eyes and imagine it's Evander Holyfield. You going to hold that nail for me?
Tim: Al, hold that nail.
Al: I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: George, hold your own nail.
George Foreman: I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: Lisa?
Lisa: [o.s.] I don't think so, Tim.

Rate

Quote from Jill

Jill: Honey, I was just making this list, and, you know, I don't think that all this bad luck is just because of that chain letter.
Tim: You don't, do you?
Jill: No, listen to this. In the last month, you have done the following. Backed a pickup truck into a house, almost electrocuted yourself three times, nailed your shoe into the floor, and glued your head to a table.
Tim: What's your point?
Jill: Well, the point is, it's not the chain letter that's bringing you bad luck. It's you. You're a klutz. Isn't that great?
Tim: Honey, I'm thrilled.

Quote from Jill

Jill: George Foreman?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Is he an athlete?
Tim: Yes, Jill.
Jill: I know who he is.
Tim: I know you do.
Jill: He's the quarterback for the Detroit Tigers.
Karen: No, no, no. No, no, that's Arnold Palmer.
Jill: No, no, he's a race car driver.
Tim: Ladies, ladies...
Tim: No, he's... Look...
Karen: Yeah, he won the Super Bowl.
Tim: [grunts] George Foreman happens to be the former heavy weight champion of the world.
Jill: Oh, wow. In what sport?
Tim: [sighs] Boxing. He's a boxer, Jill. Boxing.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Wilson, you over there?
Wilson: As far as I know, Tim.
Tim: Are you a superstitious man, Wilson?
Wilson: No, I'm not, Tim. Knock wood.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Well, I'm not superstitious either, but I know this guy that, in one day, got a black eye, flattened his finger, and dyed his hands an odd color.
Wilson: Green?
Tim: Yeah. It's me. I've been having this string of bad luck lately. I wonder if it's because I threw out this cheesy chain letter.
Wilson: Well, personally, Tim, I place no credence in chain letters. Of course, I did have a friend once who didn't return a chain letter, and he disappeared mysteriously. He was a naval officer in Borneo.
Tim: He was decapitated.
Wilson: No!
Tim: Oh, yeah... [grunts]
Wilson: Well, I'll have to send the family a card.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, Tim, the problem may not be the chain letter. Someone's planted the concept of bad luck in your mind, and therefore your subconscious is expecting bad luck. Ergo, bad luck happens.
Tim: There you go. Bad luck. Bad luck. What if someone wasn't as enlightened as me? How would they get rid of that curse?
Wilson: Well, some people think it can be broken by carrying garlic and wolfsbane.
Tim: Wolfsbane?
Wilson: Mm-hmm. Genus Aconitum Vulpana.
Tim: Yeah, sure.
Wilson: Also called monkshood. It's a herb indigenous to the Eurasian plain. It's very, very rare. Almost impossible to find.
Tim: Where would I go get some?
Wilson: Right here, Tim.
Tim: Do you have any garlic?
Wilson: Be my guest. Try to bring that back, Tim. I'm making pizza.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Let me see, let me see. "Within 24 hours of receiving this chain letter, it must be sent to ten people. If you break the chain, you will have bad luck."
Tim: Oh, I'm shaking in my shorts. Look at this. Watch this.
Jill: Shake all you want, but listen to this. "A naval officer in Borneo disregarded this letter and three days later, he was decapitated."
Tim: "Naval officer gets his head cut off." You read it wrong. It says, "A head waiter got his navel cut off."
Jill: Don't do that. Why take chances? You don't know. This naval officer might have had his head cut off.
Tim: Honey, honey, don't worry. If you get your head cut off, I'll staple gun it back on.

Quote from Al

Tim: You sound like Jill. She got all upset this morning 'cause some idiot sent me a stupid chain letter.
Al: Well, he wasn't necessarily an idiot, Tim.
Tim: Well, I don't care what he was. I threw it out.
Al: Well, you... You shouldn't have done that. You know, something bad could happen.
Tim: Like what?
Al: I don't know. You... you could be decapitated.
Tim: You sent me that letter, didn't you?
Al: I didn't say I sent it. The chain letter says you're not supposed to say.
Tim: What chain letter?
Al: The one I'm not saying I sent you.
Tim: I should've figured it was you. I'm the only person you know.

Quote from Tim

Lisa: Tim, Tim, did you see this message? Someone named George Foreman called and he said, "I'd be happy to do it."
Tim: Yes! Thank you, Lisa.
Al: George Foreman the boxer?
Tim: No, this is George Foreman the hypnotist. Yes, George Foreman the boxer.
Al: Well, that's great. Is he gonna come on the show and build something?
Tim: No, I suggest he come on and spar with you for a couple of hours.

Quote from Randy

Brad: I can't believe you tried that stupid jump on your new bike. You're going to be grounded till you're dead.
Randy: We have to think of a lie fast.
Brad: We could say lightning hit it.
Randy: Yeah, right. I just wish there was some way we could blame this on Mark.
Brad: Yeah, he believes everything we say. We could tell him he did it.
Randy: That's even dumber than the lightning.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode