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‘The Longest Day’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The Longest Day

522. The Longest Day

Aired April 2, 1996

Tim and Jill have an anxious wait for the results of Randy's blood test when he might have thyroid cancer.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Why does this bad stuff always have to happen to me?
Tim: Well, bad stuff happens to everybody. Bad stuff happens to me all the time.
Randy: Yeah, but you cause it.

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Quote from Jill

Jill: You're right, I tipped him off. I mean, what kind of mother am I? I had to go and fix him a decent breakfast.

Quote from Randy

Brad: Also, Randy had to go to another doctor and get a second blood test.
Tim: Why?
Randy: It's all Mom's fault. She told Dr. Medwick I been kinda tired lately.
Tim: Well, you have been. I caught you on the couch the other day asleep at 4:00.
Randy: Dad, I was watching Tool Time.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Ah, smells good. Where am I?
Jill: I'm making a big family breakfast - eggs, bacon and silver-dollar pancakes. That's Randy's favorite.
Tim: You're gonna tip him off, honey.
Jill: What do you mean by that?
Tim: You make Randy something edible, he's gonna know there's something wrong.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Why didn't you call me? I would have come down there.
Jill: I couldn't do that. I didn't want Randy to know what's going on until we know what we're dealing with.
Tim: So he doesn't know anything about this?
Jill: No, none of the kids do. The whole way home, I kept just telling Randy that nothing was wrong, he was probably just rundown, needs some vitamins. Meanwhile, I'm going out of my mind. I thought it was just a check-up. [sobs] Next thing I know, I'm talking to a specialist about lumps.
Tim: Hey, come on.
Jill: This is my worst nightmare.
Tim: No, no. It's my worst nightmare, too, OK?

Quote from Tim

Al: Tim, I am a friend, and I sense that there is something wrong, and I'm going to keep reaching out until you reach back.
Tim: Oh, God.
Al: Share with me, Tim.
Tim: Promise you won't tell anybody?
Al: I promise.
Tim: I came home last night, and Jill told me that she was having an affair with the milkman.
Al: No, I cannot believe that. You have a milkman?
Tim: Not anymore.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: Maybe I should try the doctor again. When was the last time I called?
Wilson: Well, right before you asked me that question.
Jill: I don't understand why this stuff keeps happening to Randy. He's always been the one with health problems. He had allergies, asthma. Even as a baby, he had awful colic.
Wilson: Oh-oh, Randy's colic. I remember when Tim used to walk him back and forth in the yard, trying to get him to sleep. As a matter of fact, that's when Tim and I first met.
[flashback:]
Tim: [sings] In my GTO you're really looking good Three deuces and a four-speed [talks] Oh, come on, Randy. This song used to put Brad right out. Buddy, come on. Huh?
Wilson: Hi-di-ho, new neighbor.
Tim: Huh? Hi-di what?
Wilson: Oh, just a little expression of mine.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah, sure. Just a little [grunts] ho-ho-ho.
Wilson: What in the world was that strange noise?
Tim: That's just an expression of mine. Um, hope my kid's crying didn't wake you up, sir.
Wilson: No. I was already up feeding my pet octopus. So, I've been meaning to come over and introduce myself. I'm Wilson Wilson.
Tim: Um... I'm Tim-Tim Taylor. How are you?

Quote from Wilson

[flashback:]
Tim: And the little one with the supercharged lungs is my youngest son Randy. Got a little colic.
Wilson: Mmm, I know. I've been hearing it for the past few nights.
Tim: Sorry about that.
Wilson: I took the liberty to mix you up a batch of ginger-root juice for your son's colic.
Tim: And I'm supposed to put that in his bottle?
Wilson: No. You just rub a little bit on his belly.
Tim: All right. At this point, I'm willing to try anything. You sure it's all right? Easy, easy, easy. Easy, boy. Oh, oh. Why are you looking at me like that? Stop crying. Just a little bit. Won't hurt. Right here. Mm-hm.
Wilson: Huh?
Tim: It worked. So that's what you look like when you're not crying, huh?
Wilson: Oh, ho-ho-ho. He is a handsome little fella.
Tim: Hey. Thanks very much. You know, when I first got married, didn't think I ever wanted kids. Now that it happened, I like 'em. I like 'em better than cars. You got kids?
Wilson: I don't even have a car.
Tim: Um, thanks for the belly rub. I'm going to put him to bed now.
Wilson: Feel free to stop by anytime and chat.
Tim: Well, thanks, but I'm a pretty private guy. I don't like sharing my problems with other guys, OK? Good night.
Wilson: Good night.

Quote from Jill

Jill: That was the first time since Randy was born we got more than two hours of sleep. That's two hours more than I got last night. Kept thinking about how nothing bad has ever happened to this family. Been so lucky. Do you realize that Tim has survived over 200 accidents?
Wilson: Really? I would've thought that number was much higher.
Jill: Oh, God. I feel so helpless just waiting for the phone to ring. It is so frightening to think how one phone call can change your life forever. You know, it's like our family's been living in a big bubble all these years, protecting us from anything bad that could happen. Just one phone call, one split second, the bubble could burst.

Quote from Jill

Jill: [answers phone] Hello? Oh, Al. Look, Al, Tim and I are fine. Please don't call here ever again. [hangs up] What is wrong with him? Where did he get this insane idea about me and a milkman?
Tim: Spends too much time at the state fair.

Quote from Brad

Tim: What's in the bag?
Brad: Something that's going to cut time off my doctor's appointment.
Tim: What?
Brad: You know how the doctor makes you go pee in the cup?
Tim: That's my favorite part. Except the cup is too small. I'll go with a salad bowl for me, huh? Whew.
Brad: Yeah, well, my problem is, I can't go under pressure.
Tim: So you went in that bag?
Brad: Of course not. I put it in a yogurt container.
Randy: I think he just found a flavor that'll never catch on.

Quote from Brad

Jill: We're back.
Tim: What kept you guys?
Randy: Oh, the doctor found boysenberry yogurt in Brad's urine.
Brad: So I had to give him another sample without any fruit in it.

Quote from Tim

Randy: So if it's not a goiter, then what is it?
Jill: It also could be hypothyroidism, which just means you have an underactive thyroid, and you'd have to take a pill every day.
Tim: A very small one.
Jill: Yeah.
Randy: So you guys are treating me like this all because I might have to take a pill? I don't buy it.
Jill: Honey, we didn't wanna worry you until the test results came back, but there's also a small chance...
Tim: A very small chance.
Jill: That you might have a lump on your thyroid that eventually would have to be removed.
Randy: So I'd need an operation?
Tim: A very small one.
Randy: Would I have a scar?
Tim: A very small one.
Jill: Dr. Kaufman is going to call by 6:00 tonight.
Tim: She's a very small doctor.

Quote from Jill

Jill: [answers phone] Hello? Oh, Al. What? We don't have a milkman. I don't know what you're talking about. Al, look, I can't talk right now, OK? I'll see ya later.

Quote from Randy

Tim: Hey, Randy.
Randy: What are you doing here?
Tim: Lookin' for you. Your mom and I were worried. You know better than to take off without telling us.
Randy: Then we're even.
Tim: What do you mean?
Randy: Couple little things you didn't tell me, either, Dad.
Tim: What are you talking about?
Randy: Like, I might have cancer.
Tim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where did you get that information?
Randy: Off the computer at school. Said that sometimes these kind of lumps can be malignant.
Tim: Randy, look, the chances of this lump being malignant are next to nothing.
Randy: How could you not tell me about this?
Tim: Because we didn't want you freakin' out, okay?
Randy: So instead I read it on a computer sitting in the school library all by myself?
Tim: Hey, your mom and I... that's the last thing we wanted you to do. I'm sorry about that, and she will be, too.

Quote from Randy

Tim: I know you're scared. You know, I know how you feel.
Randy: [sobs] No, you don't. I don't wanna die, Dad.
Tim: Oh, come on, man, you're not gonna die. Even if you had cancer, which you don't, you do not have that. It's a treatable kind, OK? Huh? [Randy hugs Tim] Hmm? Hey, come on, come on. We'll beat this thing, no matter what it is. I'm not lettin' anything happen to you.

Quote from Jill

Jill: How could you possibly go to work today?
Tim: If I just sit around here and wait for the doctor to call, I'll go crazy. I gotta keep busy, which is something you should think about.
Jill: I'm gonna be plenty busy going over and over this in my mind.
Tim: Honey, come on. It'll be all right.
Jill: I can't believe it. I mean, yesterday, everything's fine. Today, it's about something as serious... [Brad walks in]
Tim: As fabric softeners.
Jill: Yeah, well, you know, there's nothing worse than static cling. That's why we need fabric softener.

Quote from Tim

Jill: It's about the doctor. Dr. Medwick wanted the extra blood test because he was concerned about something that he felt in Randy's neck.
Tim: What did he feel?
Jill: Some swelling.
Tim: Swelling?
Jill: Yeah. So he sent us across the hall to this endocrinologist, Dr. Kaufman, and she thought she felt a lump.
Tim: What kind of a lump?
Jill: A lump on his thyroid gland. She said they're usually benign.
Tim: Oh, God.
Jill: No, benign is the good one.
Tim: Oh, good.

Quote from Tim

Jill: But there is a chance, a very slight chance that it could be malignant. She said that it's usually very treatable. It also could be something they call hypothyroidism.
Tim: Hypo what?
Jill: It's an underactive thyroid. It just means he'd have to take a pill every day for the rest of his life, but other than that, he'd be totally normal.
Tim: Ahem, boy... So it's either a lump or hypothymaster?
Jill: Hypothyroidism.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Now, there's a third possibility, and that is that it could just be a simple goiter.
Tim: A goiter?!
Jill: That's nothing.
Tim: So we want a goiter?
Jill: Yes, we want a goiter. You know, a goiter is just a swelling, but it means that the thyroid is functioning normally.

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