Randy: Why does this bad stuff always have to happen to me?
Tim: Well, bad stuff happens to everybody. Bad stuff happens to me all the time.
Randy: Yeah, but you cause it.

Jill: You're right, I tipped him off. I mean, what kind of mother am I? I had to go and fix him a decent breakfast.

Brad: Also, Randy had to go to another doctor and get a second blood test.
Tim: Why?
Randy: It's all Mom's fault. She told Dr. Medwick I been kinda tired lately.
Tim: Well, you have been. I caught you on the couch the other day asleep at 4:00.
Randy: Dad, I was watching Tool Time.

Tim: Ah, smells good. Where am I?
Jill: I'm making a big family breakfast - eggs, bacon and silver-dollar pancakes. That's Randy's favorite.
Tim: You're gonna tip him off, honey.
Jill: What do you mean by that?
Tim: You make Randy something edible, he's gonna know there's something wrong.

[flashback:]
Tim: And the little one with the supercharged lungs is my youngest son Randy. Got a little colic.
Wilson: Mmm, I know. I've been hearing it for the past few nights.
Tim: Sorry about that.
Wilson: I took the liberty to mix you up a batch of ginger-root juice for your son's colic.
Tim: And I'm supposed to put that in his bottle?
Wilson: No. You just rub a little bit on his belly.
Tim: All right. At this point, I'm willing to try anything. You sure it's all right? Easy, easy, easy. Easy, boy. Oh, oh. Why are you looking at me like that? Stop crying. Just a little bit. Won't hurt. Right here. Mm-hm.
Wilson: Huh?
Tim: It worked. So that's what you look like when you're not crying, huh?
Wilson: Oh, ho-ho-ho. He is a handsome little fella.
Tim: Hey. Thanks very much. You know, when I first got married, didn't think I ever wanted kids. Now that it happened, I like 'em. I like 'em better than cars. You got kids?
Wilson: I don't even have a car.
Tim: Um, thanks for the belly rub. I'm going to put him to bed now.
Wilson: Feel free to stop by anytime and chat.
Tim: Well, thanks, but I'm a pretty private guy. I don't like sharing my problems with other guys, OK? Good night.
Wilson: Good night.

Tim: Why didn't you call me? I would have come down there.
Jill: I couldn't do that. I didn't want Randy to know what's going on until we know what we're dealing with.
Tim: So he doesn't know anything about this?
Jill: No, none of the kids do. The whole way home, I kept just telling Randy that nothing was wrong, he was probably just rundown, needs some vitamins. Meanwhile, I'm going out of my mind. I thought it was just a check-up. [sobs] Next thing I know, I'm talking to a specialist about lumps.
Tim: Hey, come on.
Jill: This is my worst nightmare.
Tim: No, no. It's my worst nightmare, too, OK?

Al: Tim, I am a friend, and I sense that there is something wrong, and I'm going to keep reaching out until you reach back.
Tim: Oh, God.
Al: Share with me, Tim.
Tim: Promise you won't tell anybody?
Al: I promise.
Tim: I came home last night, and Jill told me that she was having an affair with the milkman.
Al: No, I cannot believe that. You have a milkman?
Tim: Not anymore.

Jill: Maybe I should try the doctor again. When was the last time I called?
Wilson: Well, right before you asked me that question.
Jill: I don't understand why this stuff keeps happening to Randy. He's always been the one with health problems. He had allergies, asthma. Even as a baby, he had awful colic.
Wilson: Oh-oh, Randy's colic. I remember when Tim used to walk him back and forth in the yard, trying to get him to sleep. As a matter of fact, that's when Tim and I first met.
[flashback:]
Tim: [sings] In my GTO you're really looking good Three deuces and a four-speed [talks] Oh, come on, Randy. This song used to put Brad right out. Buddy, come on. Huh?
Wilson: Hi-di-ho, new neighbor.
Tim: Huh? Hi-di what?
Wilson: Oh, just a little expression of mine.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah, sure. Just a little [grunts] ho-ho-ho.
Wilson: What in the world was that strange noise?
Tim: That's just an expression of mine. Um, hope my kid's crying didn't wake you up, sir.
Wilson: No. I was already up feeding my pet octopus. So, I've been meaning to come over and introduce myself. I'm Wilson Wilson.
Tim: Um... I'm Tim-Tim Taylor. How are you?

Jill: That was the first time since Randy was born we got more than two hours of sleep. That's two hours more than I got last night. Kept thinking about how nothing bad has ever happened to this family. Been so lucky. Do you realize that Tim has survived over 200 accidents?
Wilson: Really? I would've thought that number was much higher.
Jill: Oh, God. I feel so helpless just waiting for the phone to ring. It is so frightening to think how one phone call can change your life forever. You know, it's like our family's been living in a big bubble all these years, protecting us from anything bad that could happen. Just one phone call, one split second, the bubble could burst.

Jill: [answers phone] Hello? Oh, Al. Look, Al, Tim and I are fine. Please don't call here ever again. [hangs up] What is wrong with him? Where did he get this insane idea about me and a milkman?
Tim: Spends too much time at the state fair.