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‘'Twas the Night Before Chaos’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: 'Twas the Night Before Chaos

412. 'Twas the Night Before Chaos

Aired December 13, 1994

Jill tries to play peacemaker when her bickering parents, Colonel Patterson (M. Emmet Walsh) and Lilian (Polly Holliday), visit for the holidays. Meanwhile, Tim once again tries to win the Christmas lighting contest.

Quote from Jill

Marty: Band-Aids?
Jill: Um, upstairs, top three drawers.
Marty: Which room?
Jill: Every room.

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Quote from Al

Tim: Merry Christmas. It's Yule time here on Tool Time.
Al: Merry Christmas. You know, Christmas always reminds me of my childhood. I used to build a snowman every year. I used a carrot for its nose, cookies for its eyes, licorice for its smile.
Tim: Ah, that's a great story, Al. Unfortunately, Al's mom usually ate the snowman.
Al: One year. She used the carrot to make coleslaw.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Hey, guys, get down here. Let's see what Grandma and Grandpa got us for Christmas.
Mark: Hear anything good?
Brad: [shakes box] No, I don't hear anything.
Brad & Randy: Clothes.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Oh, come on. Gosh, I think this is going to be the perfect Christmas.
Tim: You're not kidding. I think this year, finally, my decorations are gonna beat Doc Johnson.
Jill: No. I was referring to your brother's family being here, and my parents coming.
Tim: Don't set yourself up like this. Every year your parents come, you end up locked in your bedroom going, "Why did I even invite them?"
Tim: You know what present I'd like your dad to give me? Call me "Tim" instead of "Hey, you."
Jill: Well, if you heard what he called you behind your back, you'd be happy with "Hey, you."

Quote from Jill

Jill: So, are you and Dad OK in Brad's room?
Lillian: Oh, as OK as we are anywhere else. You have no idea what your father's like these days.
Jill: Right. You know, I'll grease those baking pans...
Lillian: Ever since he retired, he just sits like a lump in his den, and watches the same old war movie over and over and over.
Jill: Margarine or butter?
Lillian: Patton. He's seen it so many times, I know everything that George S. Patton ever said. "OK, men. We're going through those enemy lines like crap through a goose."
Jill: Well, about these sticky buns...
Lillian: And I can't get him to do anything. I thought we'd get to travel, and go to Italy, do all the things we never had time to do when he was working. Just when I thought we'd be getting closer together we seem to be growing apart.
Jill: Mom, don't you think you ought to talk to Dad about this, not me?
Lillian: Well, it's no use. He's established a stronghold in that den. I'd have to put a grenade under his Barcalounger to get him out of there.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, Tim, wait a second. I want to talk to you.
Tim: Not now. I gotta go light up a camel.
Jill: Tim, I just talked with my mother. She's really upset with Dad. I know I said I wouldn't get involved, but I really think I have to say something to my father.
Tim: Before you do, let me say something. Don't say something.
Jill: This is not their usual bickering. You know, it seems like they're really unhappy.
Tim: Well, of course they are. They've been married 42 years!

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, can you come down here? I have to talk to you.
Tim: Again?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: Oh, come on. Okay, what did you do now?
Wilson: Hi-de-ho, neighbors.
Jill: Never mind. I'll talk to Wilson instead.
Tim: You know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna install an escalator.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, Jill, when parents are having problems, it's natural for a child, regardless of age, to want to help.
Jill: Did you hear that, Tim?
Wilson: On the other hand, it's perfectly natural for parents to not want their children's help.
Tim: You hear that, Jill?
Jill: Wilson, what are you saying? What am I supposed to do about my parents?
Wilson: Well, I can tell you what they do in the Nuer tribe in Africa. They bring in a wise member of the tribe, usually an older Nuer, who counsels the disputing parties and helps resolve their differences.
Jill: So what I need is an objective third party?
Wilson: Exactly.
Jill: Wilson, please!
Wilson: No, Jill. I would love to, but I'm going to a Filipino Christmas party.
Jill: Well, when are you gonna be back?
Wilson: Couple of weeks. The party's in the Philippines.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, Colonel.
Colonel Patterson: Hey, you.
Tim: What are you doing?
Colonel Patterson: I'm watching Patton.
Tim: How about pausing it and helping me string these lights up on the roof there?
Colonel Patterson: I have no interest in your battle with an 80-year-old proctologist.
Tim: Yeah, you're right. Guy's probably gonna win anyway. You know how tough those old navy guys are.
Colonel Patterson: Did you say "navy"?
Tim: [grunting] Yes, I did.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Colonel, it's great to have you on my team.
Colonel Patterson: It's great to be back in action again.
Tim: From what Jill says, you haven't been too active lately, though.
Colonel Patterson: Yeah, here we go. Now there's another monkey in the middle.
Tim: I'm not a monkey in the middle. I'm an objective third party, like the African Manure tribe.
Colonel Patterson: What the hell are you talking about?

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