Marty: Band-Aids?
Jill: Um, upstairs, top three drawers.
Marty: Which room?
Jill: Every room.

Tim: Merry Christmas. It's Yule time here on Tool Time.
Al: Merry Christmas. You know, Christmas always reminds me of my childhood. I used to build a snowman every year. I used a carrot for its nose, cookies for its eyes, licorice for its smile.
Tim: Ah, that's a great story, Al. Unfortunately, Al's mom usually ate the snowman.
Al: One year. She used the carrot to make coleslaw.

Brad: Hey, guys, get down here. Let's see what Grandma and Grandpa got us for Christmas.
Mark: Hear anything good?
Brad: [shakes box] No, I don't hear anything.
Brad & Randy: Clothes.

Jill: Oh, come on. Gosh, I think this is going to be the perfect Christmas.
Tim: You're not kidding. I think this year, finally, my decorations are gonna beat Doc Johnson.
Jill: No. I was referring to your brother's family being here, and my parents coming.
Tim: Don't set yourself up like this. Every year your parents come, you end up locked in your bedroom going, "Why did I even invite them?"
Tim: You know what present I'd like your dad to give me? Call me "Tim" instead of "Hey, you."
Jill: Well, if you heard what he called you behind your back, you'd be happy with "Hey, you."

Jill: So, are you and Dad OK in Brad's room?
Lillian: Oh, as OK as we are anywhere else. You have no idea what your father's like these days.
Jill: Right. You know, I'll grease those baking pans...
Lillian: Ever since he retired, he just sits like a lump in his den, and watches the same old war movie over and over and over.
Jill: Margarine or butter?
Lillian: Patton. He's seen it so many times, I know everything that George S. Patton ever said. "OK, men. We're going through those enemy lines like crap through a goose."
Jill: Well, about these sticky buns...
Lillian: And I can't get him to do anything. I thought we'd get to travel, and go to Italy, do all the things we never had time to do when he was working. Just when I thought we'd be getting closer together we seem to be growing apart.
Jill: Mom, don't you think you ought to talk to Dad about this, not me?
Lillian: Well, it's no use. He's established a stronghold in that den. I'd have to put a grenade under his Barcalounger to get him out of there.

Jill: Tim, Tim, wait a second. I want to talk to you.
Tim: Not now. I gotta go light up a camel.
Jill: Tim, I just talked with my mother. She's really upset with Dad. I know I said I wouldn't get involved, but I really think I have to say something to my father.
Tim: Before you do, let me say something. Don't say something.
Jill: This is not their usual bickering. You know, it seems like they're really unhappy.
Tim: Well, of course they are. They've been married 42 years!

Jill: Tim, can you come down here? I have to talk to you.
Tim: Again?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: Oh, come on. Okay, what did you do now?
Wilson: Hi-de-ho, neighbors.
Jill: Never mind. I'll talk to Wilson instead.
Tim: You know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna install an escalator.

Wilson: Well, Jill, when parents are having problems, it's natural for a child, regardless of age, to want to help.
Jill: Did you hear that, Tim?
Wilson: On the other hand, it's perfectly natural for parents to not want their children's help.
Tim: You hear that, Jill?
Jill: Wilson, what are you saying? What am I supposed to do about my parents?
Wilson: Well, I can tell you what they do in the Nuer tribe in Africa. They bring in a wise member of the tribe, usually an older Nuer, who counsels the disputing parties and helps resolve their differences.
Jill: So what I need is an objective third party?
Wilson: Exactly.
Jill: Wilson, please!
Wilson: No, Jill. I would love to, but I'm going to a Filipino Christmas party.
Jill: Well, when are you gonna be back?
Wilson: Couple of weeks. The party's in the Philippines.

Tim: Hey, Colonel.
Colonel Patterson: Hey, you.
Tim: What are you doing?
Colonel Patterson: I'm watching Patton.
Tim: How about pausing it and helping me string these lights up on the roof there?
Colonel Patterson: I have no interest in your battle with an 80-year-old proctologist.
Tim: Yeah, you're right. Guy's probably gonna win anyway. You know how tough those old navy guys are.
Colonel Patterson: Did you say "navy"?
Tim: [grunting] Yes, I did.

Tim: Colonel, it's great to have you on my team.
Colonel Patterson: It's great to be back in action again.
Tim: From what Jill says, you haven't been too active lately, though.
Colonel Patterson: Yeah, here we go. Now there's another monkey in the middle.
Tim: I'm not a monkey in the middle. I'm an objective third party, like the African Manure tribe.
Colonel Patterson: What the hell are you talking about?