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‘'Twas the Night Before Chaos’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: 'Twas the Night Before Chaos

412. 'Twas the Night Before Chaos

Aired December 13, 1994

Jill tries to play peacemaker when her bickering parents, Colonel Patterson (M. Emmet Walsh) and Lilian (Polly Holliday), visit for the holidays. Meanwhile, Tim once again tries to win the Christmas lighting contest.

Quote from Jill

Marty: Band-Aids?
Jill: Um, upstairs, top three drawers.
Marty: Which room?
Jill: Every room.

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Quote from Al

Tim: Merry Christmas. It's Yule time here on Tool Time.
Al: Merry Christmas. You know, Christmas always reminds me of my childhood. I used to build a snowman every year. I used a carrot for its nose, cookies for its eyes, licorice for its smile.
Tim: Ah, that's a great story, Al. Unfortunately, Al's mom usually ate the snowman.
Al: One year. She used the carrot to make coleslaw.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Oh, come on. Gosh, I think this is going to be the perfect Christmas.
Tim: You're not kidding. I think this year, finally, my decorations are gonna beat Doc Johnson.
Jill: No. I was referring to your brother's family being here, and my parents coming.
Tim: Don't set yourself up like this. Every year your parents come, you end up locked in your bedroom going, "Why did I even invite them?"
Tim: You know what present I'd like your dad to give me? Call me "Tim" instead of "Hey, you."
Jill: Well, if you heard what he called you behind your back, you'd be happy with "Hey, you."

Quote from Brad

Brad: Hey, guys, get down here. Let's see what Grandma and Grandpa got us for Christmas.
Mark: Hear anything good?
Brad: [shakes box] No, I don't hear anything.
Brad & Randy: Clothes.

Quote from Jill

Jill: So, are you and Dad OK in Brad's room?
Lillian: Oh, as OK as we are anywhere else. You have no idea what your father's like these days.
Jill: Right. You know, I'll grease those baking pans...
Lillian: Ever since he retired, he just sits like a lump in his den, and watches the same old war movie over and over and over.
Jill: Margarine or butter?
Lillian: Patton. He's seen it so many times, I know everything that George S. Patton ever said. "OK, men. We're going through those enemy lines like crap through a goose."
Jill: Well, about these sticky buns...
Lillian: And I can't get him to do anything. I thought we'd get to travel, and go to Italy, do all the things we never had time to do when he was working. Just when I thought we'd be getting closer together we seem to be growing apart.
Jill: Mom, don't you think you ought to talk to Dad about this, not me?
Lillian: Well, it's no use. He's established a stronghold in that den. I'd have to put a grenade under his Barcalounger to get him out of there.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, Tim, wait a second. I want to talk to you.
Tim: Not now. I gotta go light up a camel.
Jill: Tim, I just talked with my mother. She's really upset with Dad. I know I said I wouldn't get involved, but I really think I have to say something to my father.
Tim: Before you do, let me say something. Don't say something.
Jill: This is not their usual bickering. You know, it seems like they're really unhappy.
Tim: Well, of course they are. They've been married 42 years!

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, can you come down here? I have to talk to you.
Tim: Again?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: Oh, come on. Okay, what did you do now?
Wilson: Hi-de-ho, neighbors.
Jill: Never mind. I'll talk to Wilson instead.
Tim: You know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna install an escalator.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, Jill, when parents are having problems, it's natural for a child, regardless of age, to want to help.
Jill: Did you hear that, Tim?
Wilson: On the other hand, it's perfectly natural for parents to not want their children's help.
Tim: You hear that, Jill?
Jill: Wilson, what are you saying? What am I supposed to do about my parents?
Wilson: Well, I can tell you what they do in the Nuer tribe in Africa. They bring in a wise member of the tribe, usually an older Nuer, who counsels the disputing parties and helps resolve their differences.
Jill: So what I need is an objective third party?
Wilson: Exactly.
Jill: Wilson, please!
Wilson: No, Jill. I would love to, but I'm going to a Filipino Christmas party.
Jill: Well, when are you gonna be back?
Wilson: Couple of weeks. The party's in the Philippines.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, Colonel.
Colonel Patterson: Hey, you.
Tim: What are you doing?
Colonel Patterson: I'm watching Patton.
Tim: How about pausing it and helping me string these lights up on the roof there?
Colonel Patterson: I have no interest in your battle with an 80-year-old proctologist.
Tim: Yeah, you're right. Guy's probably gonna win anyway. You know how tough those old navy guys are.
Colonel Patterson: Did you say "navy"?
Tim: [grunting] Yes, I did.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Colonel, it's great to have you on my team.
Colonel Patterson: It's great to be back in action again.
Tim: From what Jill says, you haven't been too active lately, though.
Colonel Patterson: Yeah, here we go. Now there's another monkey in the middle.
Tim: I'm not a monkey in the middle. I'm an objective third party, like the African Manure tribe.
Colonel Patterson: What the hell are you talking about?

Quote from Jill

Lillian: Jill? What are you doing there? Have you been eavesdropping on us?
Jill: No, I'm sleepwalking.
Colonel Patterson: You make coffee when you sleepwalk?
Jill: Yes. That way it's ready when I wake up.

Quote from Al

Tim: Today's Tool Time isn't about a plaid lad's Christmas. Today's Tool Time is about a man's Christmas. And nothing says Christmas to a man like a block of ice and a Binford chainsaw.
Al: That's right. And today's special Tool Time guest uses a chainsaw to make beautiful ice sculptures.
Tim: That's right. Our guest, Chas Jensen, is here for the Plymouth International Ice Sculpting Spectacular. So let's give him a warm... Wait a minute. Let's give him a cool Tool Time welcome - Chas Jensen! Welcome to Tool Time.
Chas Jensen: Thank you, Tim.
Al: Chas.
Chas Jensen: Thank you, Al.
Al: Now, rumor has it that you can actually make a Christmas tree out of this block of ice in 30 seconds.
Chas Jensen: Yes, I can. Would you like me to demonstrate?
Tim: Well, we didn't invite you on the show to sing.
Chas Jensen: OK.
Al: You know, that is fabulous. However, the presents you put under it should be waterproof. [snorts]

Quote from Tim

Randy: Hey, hurry up, Mark, get outta there. I gotta go really bad.
Jill: Why don't you use your bathroom?
Randy: I can't. Aunt Nancy's in there giving the babies a bath.
Jill: Use ours.
Randy: Uncle Marty's in there, and he took five magazines with him.
Tim: Go get some of those stick matches. Whoo!

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim? Will you please set the highchair up for lunch?
Tim: I'll just eat at the counter.
Jill: Oh, it's so great to have babies in the house again.
Tim: Yeah. There's nothing like a little projectile vomit to brighten up the holidays.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Mom, it's so wonderful to see you!
Lillian: It's amazing you're seeing us at all. Your father didn't use the turn signal once, all the way from Texas. Hello, dear. Hello, Tim.
Tim: Hi, Lillian.
Colonel Patterson: I didn't use the signal because there was no one behind me, Lillian.
Lillian: Then what was that truck that almost sideswiped us?
Colonel Patterson: He had no business being on the interstate, big truck like that.
Jill: Hi, Daddy.
Colonel Patterson: Hello, sweetheart. [to Tim] Hey, you.

Quote from Jill

Colonel Patterson: All right, men. Here's your mission. There is a vehicle in the driveway that needs unloading. Dismissed.
Brad: It's packed to the ceiling with presents.
Randy: Charge!
Lillian: That's another thing. Your father piled the presents up so high in the back seat, he couldn't even see out the window.
Colonel Patterson: Now, don't blame me. I wanted to put the presents in the front seat and you in the back.
Lillian: Well, that would have certainly made things more pleasant for me.
Tim: Oh, it's gonna be a perfect Christmas.
Jill: Would anybody like some eggnog?
Lillian: Oh, no. Your father can't eat eggs.
Colonel Patterson: I can eat eggs. I just don't know what the hell "nog" is.

Quote from Jill

Colonel Patterson: [to one of Marty's twins] If you're thinking about a career, think army.
Lillian: All he ever talks about is the army, the army, the army. You'd think he'd never retired.
Colonel Patterson: Never should have retired. After spending two days in a car with you, the Korean War was a picnic.
Lillian: Well, I really enjoyed my two days riding with you. Of course, I could've had more scintillating conversation with a crash dummy.
Colonel Patterson: You calling me a dummy?
Jill: Would you please just stop...
Tim: Jill?
Jill: ...standing there, so we can talk about Christmas lights? Tim is entering a contest. Tell them, honey.
Tim: I'm entering a contest.

Quote from Jill

Lillian: Oh, there they go. Don't stay out too long. When you get back, you can help me put the icing on my famous sticky buns.
Boys: All right, Grandma.
Lillian: Now, don't worry, Jill. You can go back on your diet after Christmas.
Jill: I'm not on a diet, Mom.
Lillian: Oh! Oh, oh, well. Then you don't have to worry at all.

Quote from Jill

Colonel Patterson: [o.s.] Lillian! Where'd you put my tape of Patton? I want to show it to the boys when they get back.
Lillian: I threw it out of the window in St. Louis.
Colonel Patterson: [o.s.] If you're serious, we're going back to get it!
Lillian: All right, all right. I'll find it.

Quote from Jill

Colonel Patterson: [to Marty's twins] Look, girls. There's General George S. Patton. He was the most powerful military leader in the world.
Randy: Phew! Speaking of powerful. I think one of those babies just dropped a bomb.
Nancy: There they are.
Colonel Patterson: Oh, they were crying, so I decided to calm 'em down by letting 'em watch Patton's invasion of North Africa.
Nancy: At home, we just put them to sleep with old tapes of Tool Time.
Jill: Whoa! Somebody's stinking up the joint over here.
Brad: Randy!
Jill: Boys? Boys, would you go upstairs for a while? I want to talk to Grandpa alone.
Mark: We're right in the middle of Patton.
Jill: Well, go upstairs and ask your grandma to act out the rest of it for you.

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