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Home Improvement: Taps

624. Taps

Aired May 13, 1997

After Jill lies to her father about being under the weather so they won't come up and visit, she receives some distressing news.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Heart attack? I can't believe this, I just talked to him, he sounded fine.
Tim: I know.
Jill: What about Mom? I should...
Tim: She's holding up real well. She's holding up real well. [Jill cries on Tim's shoulder] I booked you on a morning flight, OK? As soon I tie-up the loose ends here, I'll bring the boys. We'll head out tomorrow afternoon.
Jill: [cries] OK. OK. Oh, no! Oh, no!
Tim: It's OK. I'll pack. You don't have to worry about a thing. I'll do...
Jill: No. You don't understand. Dad called and asked if he could come visit here. I made up that story about how I was sick. How could I do that?
Tim: You didn't know this was going to happen. You just needed time for yourself. There's nothing wrong with that.
Jill: Don't you understand? I could've seen him one more time. I could've told him that I loved him. The last thing that I said to my father was a lie!
Tim: Hey, hey, hey, hey... [Jill sobs]

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Quote from Randy

Tim: Need help with that collar?
Randy: No, Dad. I know how to iron for a funeral. You just set the dial to "stiff."
Tim: Randy?
Randy: Yeah, Dad. I don't know why I'm making these stupid jokes.
Tim: It's OK. Sometimes making jokes is a way to deal with the loss of somebody. You know, that's how you grieve. I did the same thing at my dad's funeral.
Randy: Oh, yeah. I mean, now that you talk about it, I remember at Aunt Rita's funeral, you had some good jokes. And you killed.
Tim: The truth is, in these situations, you got to be careful who you make the jokes around.
Randy: Dad, I know. I mean, I would never say this kind of stuff around Grandma.
Tim: And make no jokes around your mom, or Mark, or anybody sensitive. Just do 'em around me.

Quote from Tim

Minister: Come on, everyone. Who has a story about Colonel Patterson they'd like to share? [Tim raises his hand] Tim.
Tim: Oh... remember the first time that Jill brought me to meet the colonel?
Jill: Oh, yeah. I remember that.
Tim: When Jill finally left us alone, the colonel turned to me and said from the bottom of his heart, [deep voice] "Son, how much will it take for you to turn around and never come back?" But it was years later, he gave me the best compliment ever, he said, [deep voice] "Son, ten grand! That's my final offer! You can't handle the truth!"

Quote from Jill

Jill: No, Mom. When Dad called to ask if you all could come up and visit, I said that I was sick. I made that up.
Lillian: You didn't want us to visit you?
Jill: No, Mom. It just... It wasn't a good time. I thought you might have understand, but I didn't have the guts to say no to Dad!
Lillian: Well, your father was not an easy man to say no to.
Jill: Well, maybe not. But now the last memory I have of my father is lying to him.
Lillian: Jill, what do you suppose would've happened if you'd told the colonel the truth?
Jill: I don't know! He probably would've understood.
Lillian: [chuckles] I don't think we're talking about the same colonel.
Jill: Well, how do you think he would've reacted?
Lillian: He would've said, "What do you mean you want time for yourself? We'll be there at 0800 and we're bivouacking in Brad's room."
Jill: That does sound like Dad.

Quote from Jill

Lillian: Oh, he always had to have everything his own way. It could be 20 below zero and he'd still want the window open at night. You remember when he went in for his knee surgery?
Jill: Oh, yeah. He yelled at that surgeon because the scalpel wasn't shiny enough.
Lillian: And then he told the doctor to drop and give him 20 on the operating room floor.
Jill: I guess Dad could be kinda pushy sometimes.
Lillian: He was pushy, he was stubborn, he was hotheaded, and he drove me crazy. And I miss him so much...
Jill: Oh, Mom. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Lillian: Now, Jill, you have always been a wonderful daughter. And the last thing your father would want would be for you to... torture yourself over a silly little fib.
Jill: I love you, Mom.
Lillian: I love you too, honey.

Quote from Jill

Brad: You lied to Grandpa.
Jill: I didn't exactly lie.
Randy: Well, then what exactly did you do?
Tim: There's a very good explanation for this. What is it?
Jill: I'm really burned out from school. I need time for myself. But if I told that to your grandpa, it would have hurt his feelings.
Randy: So when we get older and we don't want you to visit, can we lie?
Jill: Randy, when your father and I get older, you won't have to lie because you're going to want to be around us all the time. Because we're gonna be just as cool as we are right now. Right, Tim? I'm dyin' here, aren't l? [they nod]
Tim: All you're missing is the headstone.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Mom...
Lillian: Honey, you look so pale. You know, this flu that's going around...
Jill: Mom, it's not the flu. Now, look, there's something that I have to tell you. I lied to Dad.
Lillian: Oh, Jill, relax. He found out a long time ago that you vote Democrat.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You know, I thought I would feel so much better when I told Mom the truth, but... now I just feel sadder.
Tim: It's understandable. You're allowing yourself to grieve.
Jill: Yeah, I guess. You've been so great.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Jill: Oh, yeah. You took care of all the travel arrangements. You took care of the boys. You took care of me.
Tim: I did what I had to. I didn't think twice about it, honey. Come on.
Jill: That's what makes it so wonderful. That I can count on you when I need you the most.
Tim: I'm just sorry you had to be reminded of that fact on such a sad occasion.
Jill: Listen to you. You're saying all the right things.
Tim: Enjoy it while you can. I don't know where it's coming from. But I'm sure it's not gonna last.

Quote from Jill

Jill: This last month has been so horrible. But now, next week, all I have to do is relax.
Tim: That's it. You just sit back and relax, honey. [telephone rings] Would you get that for me? Well, heck! Why don't I get it? [answers phone] Hello? [deep voice] Yes, colonel, it's me. Yeah. I'm right here. You don't have to yell at me. [to Jill] It's your dad. [on the phone] Uh-huh. This weekend? Uh-huh. [to Jill] They have frequent flier mileage that's gonna expire. They want to come this weekend. [Jill gestures to Tim] You... l... What...? Why don't I let Jill tell you the good news? You talk... He's your dad!
Jill: [takes the phone] Hi, Daddy. There's nothing that I would like more than to have you come visit, but I'm sick. Yeah. [coughing] Yeah. A head cold. You know, cough. Flu. I think I have an ear infection. [sniffs] Oh, yeah.
I'm so sorry. [sniffs] Oh, well, thank you. I'm sure I'll feel better soon. OK. Bye. [exhales heavily]

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Well, hi-ho, good neighbor.
Tim: Hi there, Wilson. Well, did Al and Heidi find something at your garage sale that they liked?
Wilson: Oh, yes, indeed. I thought you might be interested in this. This is a handmade wooden throne.
Tim: Well, it's nice, but if I'm going to be sitting on a throne, it's gonna be porcelain, my friend.

Quote from Al

Heidi: Hey, Wilson. I would love to have this antique cheese whipper.
Al: No fair. I saw it first. I'll give you twice the asking price.
Heidi: I'll double that.
Wilson: Well, that brings us up to 80 cents.
Al: I'm out.

Quote from Al

Al: Boy, this really puts things in perspective!
Heidi: Yeah. Al, you take the cheese whipper.
Al: Oh, no, no. I couldn't possibly.
Heidi: No, really. I insist.
Al: Wilson, we can't accept this cheese whipper.

Quote from Jill

Jill: What an incredible day I had! I went to the modern art museum. Then I met Patty for lunch. We went shopping. We got herbal wraps. You cannot imagine how good I feel.
Tim: Your mom called a little while ago.
Jill: Oh, no. Let me guess. She's mad because I wouldn't let her come this weekend.
Tim: Honey...
Jill: What? Is something wrong?
Tim: ...it's about your dad.
Jill: My dad what?
Tim: He... he had a heart attack this morning. He didn't make it, honey.
Jill: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Tim: He fell asleep in that old recliner in the den and he never woke up. He didn't suffer at all.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Guys, you gotta get packed. How's the ironing going? [Brad holds up a blue shirt with an iron scorch mark around the collar] Hey, you can wear a wide tie.

Quote from Tim

Brad: I can't believe we're never gonna see Grandpa again.
Tim: Well, actually, we will get a chance to see Grandpa one more time.
Brad: An open casket? Geez, that's gross!
Randy: Oh, just think of it like an open house.
Tim: Some people think viewing the body gives them a chance to say goodbye to the deceased once more.
Brad: What if I don't want to look?
Tim: No one's gonna make you look. Nobody's gonna make me look.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Whoa! You know, I just thought of something. What if Mom had let Grandpa come here for the weekend and it happened here?
Brad: Yeah. He used to sleep in my room. He could've died in my bed!
Randy: Then you'd still have to sleep in it. Of course, you know, I'm sure Mom would flip the mattress.
Brad: Just knock it off!

Quote from Randy

Mark: You think this suit is too small?
Randy: No. Besides, it's real fashionable to show five inches of bare leg.
Mark: I just want to look good for the funeral.
Randy: Well, I got news for you... Grandpa's gonna look more lifelike.
Brad: Grandpa just died. Will you stop making jokes?
Tim: Gentlemen, come on, come on! Take him upstairs. See if that old brown suit of yours fits him, all right?

Quote from Jill

Lillian: Hi, girls. I... Oh, Jill.
Jill: Mom. [they hug] How are you doing?
Lillian: Oh, I'm better now that all my girls are here.
Tracy: Mom, I thought you were staying home because you didn't trust Robin and Carrie with the food.
Linda: Well, I finished all that and I came down here.
Tracy: Because you don't trust us with the funeral arrangements?
Lillian: It's not that I don't trust you. It's just that I trust myself more.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You guys should go into the kitchen and say hi to your aunts and your grandma.
Mark: Are they still gonna pinch us even though we're here for a funeral?
Tim: The sadder the occasion, the harder the pinching. See this scar? My dad's funeral. Aunt Winnie. She took a piece of my flesh right off there.
Tracy: [o.s.] Oh, look how you've grown!
Brad: [o.s.] Ow!

Quote from Tim

Tim: How are you doing?
Jill: You won't believe what's going on here.
Tim: Well, let me guess. Your mom thinks you're sick as a dog, so she's waiting on you hand and foot.
Jill: Tim, I have to tell her the truth.
Tim: Now is not a good time.
Jill: Why?
Tim: If she finds out you lied, it'll cast a pall over the whole funeral.
Jill: [laughs] I'm so glad you're here.

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