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‘That's My Momma’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: That's My Momma

511. That's My Momma

Aired December 5, 1995

When Tim's mother, Lucille (Bonnie Bartlett), comes to visit, she runs into his old shop teacher, Mr. Leonard (Dick O'Neill). Tim is upset when his mother leaves after a few hours to go to a bar with Mr. Leonard.

Quote from Al

Al: Boy, it was awfully nice of you to invite me down for coffee. You haven't done that in a long time. Or ever.
Tim: I thought it'd give us a good chance to talk.
Al: Oh, yeah? About what?
Tim: Mothers.
Al: Oh, no. No. Oh, boy, I should've seen this one coming. You invited me down here to make fun of my mother.
Tim: No.
Al: OK, well, what's it gonna be today? More fat jokes? Oh, you've already done all those. How about her perspiration problem? Or maybe the way her jowls sway. Or how about the way the skin under her arms wobble?

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Quote from Wilson

Tim: What do you think?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I think that you may already know the answer.
Tim: I already have the answer?
Wilson: Yes. I'm reminded of something you told me a couple of years ago about your father.
Tim: What does my father have to do with this?
Wilson: Well, do you remember telling me that the great regret of your life is that you never got to know him very well?
Tim: Well, he died when I was 11. I didn't have the chance to get to know him.
Wilson: Well, your mom's still alive. You wanna ruin that chance with her?

Quote from Brad

Lucille: I'm taking us to our annual ice-cream breakfast at Leo's Sugar Shack.
Randy: All right.
Lucille: And what restaurant are we going to tell your parents we went to?
Brad: The Healthy Vegetable.
Lucille: Very good. And, Mark, if anybody asks, you had...
Mark: A wheat-germ omelet.
Lucille: Excellent. Brad?
Brad: I had bean turd.
Lucille: That's bean curd.
Brad: Oh. Well, they taste the same.

Quote from Tim

Mr. Leonard: Sure is pretty.
Tim: Yeah. When it's done, it'll look something like that. I'm going to go a little more retro. Just think, back in your shop class, would you ever have imagined I could build something like that?
Mr. Leonard: I was happy when you finally made an ashtray. Did you really build a hot rod, or is that a lot of bunk?
Tim: No. You never saw my other one. Yeah, I got pictures of it. [hands over his wallet] There you go.
Mr. Leonard: Oh...
Tim: Gleam in my eye to a strapping '33 Roadster.
Mr. Leonard: Yeah.
Tim: I miss that car. It was like a member of the family.
Mr. Leonard: [chuckles] Whatever happened to her?
Tim: Sold it.
Mr. Leonard: I'm glad I'm not a member of your family.

Quote from Marty

Tim: As usual, Martin, you're an hour late.
Marty: Yeah, yeah. I was on the phone with Ma. You know how she goes on and on.
Tim: She doesn't like talking on the phone.
Marty: She likes talking to me.
Mr. Leonard: She hated talking to me. When he was in high school, every time I'd call her, I'd say, "Hello, Mrs.
Taylor." She'd say, "Oh, God, what's he done now?"

Quote from Tim

Marty: Man, can you believe Mom winning 500 bucks in Vegas?
Tim: Mom went to Vegas?
Marty: Yeah, she went with that travel group she's in.
Tim: Mom's in a travel group?
Marty: The one she went to Ireland with.
Tim: Oh, yeah. Mom went to Ireland?
Marty: Do you ever talk to Mom?
Tim: Yeah, we talk every Sunday. We just don't waste time yakking about the small stuff.
Marty: Yeah. You only yak about the big stuff, like what she had for dinner and the weather.
Tim: Roast beef, partly cloudy.
Marty: Guess that explains why I'm her favorite.
Tim: Oh, get out. I'm closer to Mom than you'll ever be.
Marty: Oh, yeah? I guess we'll just ask her when she comes next week.
Tim: OK, Marty, we sure will. Mom's coming next week?

Quote from Tim

Jill: When's your mom supposed to be here?
Tim: Any minute. I can't wait to see the old hunk of junk again.
Jill: Your mother?
Tim: Her car. Last time I saw her, her rear end was sagging, she had no pickup.
Jill: The car?
Tim: No, my mother.

Quote from Jill

Tim: How's the house?
Lucille: Big, empty, drafty.
Tim: How can it be drafty? I did the weather stripping myself.
Jill: Enough said.

Quote from Tim

Lucille: It's not easy rattling around in that big house. Gets kinda lonely.
Jill: Are you thinking about moving?
Tim: She's not going to move. If you're lonely, we'll get you a dog.
Lucille: Well, thanks, Tim. Jill, would you like to see my pictures of Ireland?
Jill: Ooh, I'd love to.
Tim: Well, if you don't want a dog, how about someone to talk to? A parrot. "Hey, Lucille, you look good. How about 20 bucks? 20 bucks."

Quote from Tim

Jill: Hello, Mr. Leonard.
Mr. Leonard: Hi. I just came to pick up that sweater I left here the other day.
Tim: [takes off the sweater] I was just wearing it so I'd remember to give it back to you.
Mr. Leonard: I'm glad I didn't leave my underwear.
Tim: Oh, like they'd fit me.
Lucille: Oh, your eyesight may be going, but you still have your sense of humor.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Would you like to stay for dinner?
Mr. Leonard: Oh, I'd love to have a good home-cooked meal.
Tim: Me too. Where we gonna get it?
Lucille: Mr. Leonard...
Mr. Leonard: Please, please call me Art.
Tim: How about a beer, Art?
Mr. Leonard: Mr. Leonard.

Quote from Tim

Lucille: I don't think I ever told you, Art, how much I appreciate your putting Tim on the right track in school.
Mr. Leonard: Oh, well, hey, you put him on the right path to life.
Lucille: Well, I could only take him so far. Jill took him the distance.
Jill: It was a group effort.
Tim: Hey! Don't I get credit for turning out so well?
All: No.

Quote from Tim

Lucille: Jill, did you know that every time Tim got into trouble in high school, Art took the time to make a personal call to me?
Mr. Leonard: Oh, I had to call ya. I knew he wasn't giving the notes I sent home.
Lucille: What notes?
Tim: They're... l-l-l was going to give them to you tomorrow.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I can't believe you have to lean way out of a castle to kiss the Blarney stone? Weren't you scared?
Lucille: Hey, after raising five boys by myself, nothing scares me.
Jill: Well, why do you kiss the Blarney stone, anyway?
Tim: So it'll follow you back to your apartment for a nightcap.
Mr. Leonard: No, pea brain. The Blarney stone gives you the gift of gab. My parents took me there when I was but a wee lad, and I haven't stopped talking since.
Lucille: Oh, I like a man who can hold up his end of the conversation.
Mr. Leonard: Hey, I like a woman who's not afraid to hang upside down from a castle.
Tim: Hey, maybe you should date a bat.

Quote from Tim

Mr. Leonard: You know, all this talk about blarney is making me thirsty for an Irish coffee. What do you say we head over to that little joint McCauliffe's and get one?
Tim: That's a great idea. We head to an Irish pub.
Mr. Leonard: Who invited you?
Tim: I thought you did. [off Mr. Leonard's look; Irish accent:] I guess I was a wee bit mistaken.

Quote from Jill

Tim: I can't believe you let her go.
Jill: Let her go? She's a grown woman. She wanted to go.
Tim: She shows up at the house, drops her suitcases off, heads out for a night on the town. What is this, a hotel?
Jill: Well, she did tip the boys.

Quote from Tim

Tim: She didn't even look at the hot rod.
Jill: So big deal, she'll see it tomorrow.
Tim: It's a big deal to me. How would you feel if your mom came over for a visit and five minutes later, she took off?
Jill: Like I'd won the lottery.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi, Mom.
Lucille: Tim, what are you doing up?
Tim: I'm waiting for Mark. You know... Often times, he stumbles in at 3am, too.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Look, no one knows more about mothers than you. I wanna bounce something off you.
Al: Well, sure. Hey, bounce away.
Tim: OK. Um... Last night, my mom got kind of mad at me, and she says we don't communicate because I talk on a superficial level.
Al: Oh, I can totally relate.
Tim: So you know what I'm going through?
Al: No, I can totally relate to your mother. Tim, the only real conversation we ever have is when I say something, and you tell me to shut up.
Tim: Shut up.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Tim, Al.
Tim: Wilson...
Wilson: I'm really sorry, but I couldn't help but overhear what you were saying.
Tim: I didn't know that you knew this place.
Wilson: Well, I often come here when The Healthy Vegetable is closed. You know, I love their bean curd.
Al: Oh, yeah. Boy, it's to die for.
Tim: Or to die from. I've had one of those things.

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