Al: Boy, it was awfully nice of you to invite me down for coffee. You haven't done that in a long time. Or ever.
Tim: I thought it'd give us a good chance to talk.
Al: Oh, yeah? About what?
Tim: Mothers.
Al: Oh, no. No. Oh, boy, I should've seen this one coming. You invited me down here to make fun of my mother.
Tim: No.
Al: OK, well, what's it gonna be today? More fat jokes? Oh, you've already done all those. How about her perspiration problem? Or maybe the way her jowls sway. Or how about the way the skin under her arms wobble?

Tim: What do you think?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I think that you may already know the answer.
Tim: I already have the answer?
Wilson: Yes. I'm reminded of something you told me a couple of years ago about your father.
Tim: What does my father have to do with this?
Wilson: Well, do you remember telling me that the great regret of your life is that you never got to know him very well?
Tim: Well, he died when I was 11. I didn't have the chance to get to know him.
Wilson: Well, your mom's still alive. You wanna ruin that chance with her?

Lucille: I'm taking us to our annual ice-cream breakfast at Leo's Sugar Shack.
Randy: All right.
Lucille: And what restaurant are we going to tell your parents we went to?
Brad: The Healthy Vegetable.
Lucille: Very good. And, Mark, if anybody asks, you had...
Mark: A wheat-germ omelet.
Lucille: Excellent. Brad?
Brad: I had bean turd.
Lucille: That's bean curd.
Brad: Oh. Well, they taste the same.

Mr. Leonard: Sure is pretty.
Tim: Yeah. When it's done, it'll look something like that. I'm going to go a little more retro. Just think, back in your shop class, would you ever have imagined I could build something like that?
Mr. Leonard: I was happy when you finally made an ashtray. Did you really build a hot rod, or is that a lot of bunk?
Tim: No. You never saw my other one. Yeah, I got pictures of it. [hands over his wallet] There you go.
Mr. Leonard: Oh...
Tim: Gleam in my eye to a strapping '33 Roadster.
Mr. Leonard: Yeah.
Tim: I miss that car. It was like a member of the family.
Mr. Leonard: [chuckles] Whatever happened to her?
Tim: Sold it.
Mr. Leonard: I'm glad I'm not a member of your family.

Tim: As usual, Martin, you're an hour late.
Marty: Yeah, yeah. I was on the phone with Ma. You know how she goes on and on.
Tim: She doesn't like talking on the phone.
Marty: She likes talking to me.
Mr. Leonard: She hated talking to me. When he was in high school, every time I'd call her, I'd say, "Hello, Mrs.
Taylor." She'd say, "Oh, God, what's he done now?"

Marty: Man, can you believe Mom winning 500 bucks in Vegas?
Tim: Mom went to Vegas?
Marty: Yeah, she went with that travel group she's in.
Tim: Mom's in a travel group?
Marty: The one she went to Ireland with.
Tim: Oh, yeah. Mom went to Ireland?
Marty: Do you ever talk to Mom?
Tim: Yeah, we talk every Sunday. We just don't waste time yakking about the small stuff.
Marty: Yeah. You only yak about the big stuff, like what she had for dinner and the weather.
Tim: Roast beef, partly cloudy.
Marty: Guess that explains why I'm her favorite.
Tim: Oh, get out. I'm closer to Mom than you'll ever be.
Marty: Oh, yeah? I guess we'll just ask her when she comes next week.
Tim: OK, Marty, we sure will. Mom's coming next week?

Jill: When's your mom supposed to be here?
Tim: Any minute. I can't wait to see the old hunk of junk again.
Jill: Your mother?
Tim: Her car. Last time I saw her, her rear end was sagging, she had no pickup.
Jill: The car?
Tim: No, my mother.

Tim: How's the house?
Lucille: Big, empty, drafty.
Tim: How can it be drafty? I did the weather stripping myself.
Jill: Enough said.

Lucille: It's not easy rattling around in that big house. Gets kinda lonely.
Jill: Are you thinking about moving?
Tim: She's not going to move. If you're lonely, we'll get you a dog.
Lucille: Well, thanks, Tim. Jill, would you like to see my pictures of Ireland?
Jill: Ooh, I'd love to.
Tim: Well, if you don't want a dog, how about someone to talk to? A parrot. "Hey, Lucille, you look good. How about 20 bucks? 20 bucks."

Jill: Hello, Mr. Leonard.
Mr. Leonard: Hi. I just came to pick up that sweater I left here the other day.
Tim: [takes off the sweater] I was just wearing it so I'd remember to give it back to you.
Mr. Leonard: I'm glad I didn't leave my underwear.
Tim: Oh, like they'd fit me.
Lucille: Oh, your eyesight may be going, but you still have your sense of humor.