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‘Tim 'The Landlord' Taylor’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: Tim 'The Landlord' Taylor

714. Tim 'The Landlord' Taylor

Aired February 3, 1998

When Tim and Jill buy a rental property, Al is keen to become their tenant. After Tim makes Al sign an 18-page lease, Al makes sure Tim follows it to the word.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You know, I've done similar things to him for different reasons.
Al: You have?
Jill: There was this one time, I was really overwhelmed with schoolwork. And he kept pestering me about remodeling a bathroom or something. So, I snuck out to the garage and I... I squirted some motor oil under the engine of his Mustang. It kept him out of my hair for days.
Al: That's brilliant!
Jill: This other time, I painted chicken pox on Mark's face so I wouldn't have to go to a tractor pull.
Al: Oh, this is a side of you I never knew existed!
Jill: Yeah. I'm devious.

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Quote from Al

Al: Now... you fix my house.
Tim: Come on, Al. Now, you telling me you wouldn't be ashamed to have someone else repair stuff you could do?
Al: Not in the least.
Tim: You really want me fixing this stuff?
Al: Well, you wouldn't be my first choice. But I'll be right here behind you watching every move you make, "buddy!"

Quote from Al

Jill: Al, this doesn't have to end up in the courts. I mean, you and Tim just have to come to your senses.
Al: Tim? The man who has federal marshals hounding me about some mail fraud rap?
Jill: Well, we all know that Tim has a tendency to go overboard.
Al: Yeah. Well, when he goes overboard with me he turns the whole ship upside-down. And I'm left holding onto my dinghy.

Quote from Al

Al: First, Tim makes me sign this ridiculous lease. And then when I ask him to abide by the lease and fix some things around the house, he resists. And that just... You know, I retaliate by by finding more things for him to fix.
Jill: Well, that's understandable.
Al: Well, it gets worse than that. You know, because once he fixed everything, I I started breaking new things on purpose.
Jill: You broke things?
Al: Yeah.
Jill: That's sick. It's also really, really funny.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You're making Al sign, what is this, an 18-page lease?
Tim: It's a business venture, honey. I'm doing this to protect us and to protect Al.
Jill: Oh, I see. You are protecting your best friend by asking for references?
Tim: You'll notice I gave him a glowing one.
Jill: According to this sworn statement here, his apartment manager says that he once neglected to clean out a lint trap.
Tim: Yep. I had to grill that old lady six hours to get her to rat him out.
Jill: I can't believe it! You asked for Al's credit history?
Tim: You got it. Look back here. 1987, he bounced an $8 check at Cheese World.

Quote from Al

Al: Tim, you're using the wrong wrench on that faucet.
Tim: [holding his hand up] You ask me to fix your house. Now you don't trust me to do it right? [grunts]
Al: I didn't trust you before I asked you. [Tim closes the shutters] And thanks to your credit checks, they don't trust me at Cheese World anymore.

Quote from Al

Tim: Al, would you hand me the WD-40, please?
Al: Sorry, landlord. No can do. According to Public Act Number 42 of 1917, that's not the tenant's responsibility.
Tim: OK, what is the tenant's responsibility?
Al: I believe it's to pay the rent and not eat gravy in the bedroom.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Wow! You're home late from work.
Brad: Yeah, I stayed at the mall and did some shopping.
Jill: You guys have no idea how lucky you are. When I was your age, the closest thing we had to a mall was a Walgreens with a FotoMat in the parking lot.
Brad: Man, between that and black-and-white TV, your life was a living hell!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Do you remember that investment property?
Jill: Oh, the house on, uh, Grant or Shadeland?
Tim: Shadeland, right. They came down $2,000. I, um, I think they're ready to sell.
Brad: Do you guys really think it's wise to tie up your money in a rental property?
Jill: The price is right. We're gonna fix it up, rent it out, then...
Jill: Why are we discussing our financial choices with you kids?
Tim: Two kids dressed like a pair of lava lamps.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Welcome back to Tool Time on location.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. And for those of you who just joined us, my wife and I bought this rental property as an investment. With that in mind, we're gonna show you some quick tips and an economical way to make this a nice home makeover. Nothing brightens a room better than fresh paint. First thing... [After Tim touches the wet paint, he wipes his hand on Al's shirt]
Al: Well, we've just taken a tour of the kitchen where we think we're gonna have to retile.
Tim: A lot of nice stuff in that kitchen.
Al: I can't believe how beautiful that vintage stove is.
Tim: Oh, you're just excited. He found a 40-year-old French fry in that stove. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

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