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Home Improvement: Tim 'The Landlord' Taylor

714. Tim 'The Landlord' Taylor

Aired February 3, 1998

When Tim and Jill buy a rental property, Al is keen to become their tenant. After Tim makes Al sign an 18-page lease, Al makes sure Tim follows it to the word.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You know, I've done similar things to him for different reasons.
Al: You have?
Jill: There was this one time, I was really overwhelmed with schoolwork. And he kept pestering me about remodeling a bathroom or something. So, I snuck out to the garage and I... I squirted some motor oil under the engine of his Mustang. It kept him out of my hair for days.
Al: That's brilliant!
Jill: This other time, I painted chicken pox on Mark's face so I wouldn't have to go to a tractor pull.
Al: Oh, this is a side of you I never knew existed!
Jill: Yeah. I'm devious.

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Quote from Al

Al: Now... you fix my house.
Tim: Come on, Al. Now, you telling me you wouldn't be ashamed to have someone else repair stuff you could do?
Al: Not in the least.
Tim: You really want me fixing this stuff?
Al: Well, you wouldn't be my first choice. But I'll be right here behind you watching every move you make, "buddy!"

Quote from Al

Jill: Al, this doesn't have to end up in the courts. I mean, you and Tim just have to come to your senses.
Al: Tim? The man who has federal marshals hounding me about some mail fraud rap?
Jill: Well, we all know that Tim has a tendency to go overboard.
Al: Yeah. Well, when he goes overboard with me he turns the whole ship upside-down. And I'm left holding onto my dinghy.

Quote from Al

Al: First, Tim makes me sign this ridiculous lease. And then when I ask him to abide by the lease and fix some things around the house, he resists. And that just... You know, I retaliate by by finding more things for him to fix.
Jill: Well, that's understandable.
Al: Well, it gets worse than that. You know, because once he fixed everything, I I started breaking new things on purpose.
Jill: You broke things?
Al: Yeah.
Jill: That's sick. It's also really, really funny.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You're making Al sign, what is this, an 18-page lease?
Tim: It's a business venture, honey. I'm doing this to protect us and to protect Al.
Jill: Oh, I see. You are protecting your best friend by asking for references?
Tim: You'll notice I gave him a glowing one.
Jill: According to this sworn statement here, his apartment manager says that he once neglected to clean out a lint trap.
Tim: Yep. I had to grill that old lady six hours to get her to rat him out.
Jill: I can't believe it! You asked for Al's credit history?
Tim: You got it. Look back here. 1987, he bounced an $8 check at Cheese World.

Quote from Al

Al: Tim, you're using the wrong wrench on that faucet.
Tim: [holding his hand up] You ask me to fix your house. Now you don't trust me to do it right? [grunts]
Al: I didn't trust you before I asked you. [Tim closes the shutters] And thanks to your credit checks, they don't trust me at Cheese World anymore.

Quote from Al

Tim: Al, would you hand me the WD-40, please?
Al: Sorry, landlord. No can do. According to Public Act Number 42 of 1917, that's not the tenant's responsibility.
Tim: OK, what is the tenant's responsibility?
Al: I believe it's to pay the rent and not eat gravy in the bedroom.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Wow! You're home late from work.
Brad: Yeah, I stayed at the mall and did some shopping.
Jill: You guys have no idea how lucky you are. When I was your age, the closest thing we had to a mall was a Walgreens with a FotoMat in the parking lot.
Brad: Man, between that and black-and-white TV, your life was a living hell!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Do you remember that investment property?
Jill: Oh, the house on, uh, Grant or Shadeland?
Tim: Shadeland, right. They came down $2,000. I, um, I think they're ready to sell.
Brad: Do you guys really think it's wise to tie up your money in a rental property?
Jill: The price is right. We're gonna fix it up, rent it out, then...
Jill: Why are we discussing our financial choices with you kids?
Tim: Two kids dressed like a pair of lava lamps.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Welcome back to Tool Time on location.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. And for those of you who just joined us, my wife and I bought this rental property as an investment. With that in mind, we're gonna show you some quick tips and an economical way to make this a nice home makeover. Nothing brightens a room better than fresh paint. First thing... [After Tim touches the wet paint, he wipes his hand on Al's shirt]
Al: Well, we've just taken a tour of the kitchen where we think we're gonna have to retile.
Tim: A lot of nice stuff in that kitchen.
Al: I can't believe how beautiful that vintage stove is.
Tim: Oh, you're just excited. He found a 40-year-old French fry in that stove. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Guys, let's inspect the living room.
Al: That's right. And after that, Tim is gonna take a look at the den while I figure out what to do in the bathroom.
Tim: You're just now figuring that out?
Al: No. But I figured out why we're doing this show on renovation. Once again, Tim gets all his work done for free.
Tim: Wow! Mr. Cynical. I'm just here to do good work, OK? Now, any renter's gonna love these shutters. A fabulous addition to any home. Don't you think?
[When Tim opens the shutters, a poster board reading "Rent the Toolman's House Call 555-0172" is hanging on the back]
Al: This is a tool show, not the Please Rent My House channel.
Tim: Mr. Snippy today, isn't he? I think someone didn't get their hot links this morning.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Hey, these glass doorknobs are in great shape. I think they're just a little loose.
Tim: Well, actually, Heidi, my wife and I are gonna go in a little different direction. Replace those, upgrade them with brass fixtures.
Al: Oh, no, no, no! You can't get rid of these. This is part of the house's charm. I love these doorknobs.
Tim: Well, don't get too attached to them. They'll turn on you.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Next to a fresh coat of paint, replacing this carpet is the quick way to update your place.
Al: I don't think so, Heidi. Why re-carpet when the floors are a beautiful peg and groove?
Tim: Ooh!
Al: This would be a big plus for any renter.
Tim: You know, Al, I think you might be right.
[As Tim lifts up the carpet, there's a poster with "Call 555-0172" stuck to the bottom]

Quote from Randy

Brad: Hey, Randy!
Randy: What are you doing? I thought we agreed this was my shirt night.
Brad: Yeah, but that was before Samantha told me this was her favorite shirt.
Randy: Well, Lauren said this was her favorite shirt.
Mark: I don't want a girlfriend if I'm gonna have to wear that shirt.
Randy: Mark, it's not the clothes that matter. You'll be rejected based on who you are.
Jill: Brad, come on, it's his turn to wear the shirt. It's only fair.
Brad: Yeah, but Mom, I've only got a year to wear this shirt before I grow out of it. He's got the rest of his life.
Randy: Yeah? And you have the rest of your life to learn math.

Quote from Tim

Al: Ah, here it is! Captain Jerky's Meat-Curing Kit. Hey, Tim. It's open.
Tim: Hey, Al. The place looks great. I brought over your signed copy of the lease.
Al: Without a forklift? I can't believe you had me sign an 18-page lease. You know, my last lease was two pages. Don't you trust me?
Tim: Al, of course I trust you. I got one little addendum I want you to sign, though, right here. There you go.
Al: A "no gravy in the bedroom" clause?

Quote from Al

Tim: Al, are you gonna eat that apple the entire time I'm fixing the doorknob?
Al: No. At the rate you're going, I'll be able to fit in two pears and a plum.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I don't believe this! You told Al that you want to evict him?
Tim: That's right. Because he's the tenant from hell all of a sudden. He's chasing me around the house making me do everything by the law.
Jill: Well... What about you? I mean, you've done everything to him short of running fingerprints on him. [off Tim's look] No! You did not!
Tim: It may have been a computer error, but I think he's wanted in Texas on mail fraud charges.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Oh, Tim! I mean, it took him all his courage, you know, to get out of that cramped, little apartment. Then you kick him out on the street. How could you do that to poor Al?
Tim: Poor Al, my foot. How about poor me? He wants to sue me. And that bonehead would probably take this right to the Supreme Court.
Jill: You won't stand a chance. Sandra Day O'Connor's gonna love Al.
Tim: Gidget?

Quote from Tim

Tim: We're just disagreeing over the lease. So, I'm... I'm gonna have to evict him.
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm shocked that you would evict your best friend. I'm even more shocked that you would make him sign a lease.
Tim: I'm new at the landlord thing, Wilson. I'm trying to do everything in a businesslike manner.
Wilson: Well, Tim, let me ask you something, if I was renting from you, would you make me sign a lease?
Tim: Well... yeah. Probably let you skip the the fingerprinting and the blood samples.
Wilson: Tim, a landlord doesn't have to do that.
Tim: Well, they don't have to do that. But you know, when I do something new, I like to go at it full strength!
Wilson: Right. Like the time you brought home the new riding mower.
Tim: You got it. I didn't have to put 120 horsepower in that thing. But I did 'cause there's nothing better than adding...
Wilson: More power.
Tim: [grunts]

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, Tim, there's a difference between powering up a lawnmower and lording it over your best friend. You know, Henry Adams the historian said, "A friend in power is a friend lost."
Tim: I might've got a bit crazy on that. Twenty-one clauses and that thorough investigation.
Wilson: Well, what did you gain from that?
Tim: Well, I lost my first tenant, my best friend. I've got a huge photocopy bill. But they carved a head of me up there at Cheese World. They set it out.

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