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‘Home for the Holidays’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Home for the Holidays

811. Home for the Holidays

Aired December 8, 1998

When Randy returns from Costa Rica for the holidays, he feels out of step with the family given all that has changed since he left. Meanwhile, Tim has a new competitor in the Christmas lighting contest: Al.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Merry Christmas and welcome to Tool Time. We're live on Al's rooftop. Now, here's the star of the show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. I am Tim... Well, "The Yule Man" Taylor. And, of course, you all know my assistant, Al "Be Home for Christmas Just Like Every Other Night" Borland.

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Quote from Tim

Randy: You know, I miss my friends. I miss writing for the school paper. I miss Arnold Schwarzenegger movies in English.
Tim: How do they say "Hasta la vista, baby" in Spanish?

Quote from Tim

Jill: I guess since your dad and I are living here in the middle of all these changes, we haven't even noticed half of them.
[Tim falls off the roof with one of his decorations]
Tim: It's okay. The ground seems to have broken my fall.
Randy: Then again, some things never change.

Quote from Al

Brad: Wow, what an awesome lighting display.
Randy: Yeah. Those figures look so lifelike.
Marty: At least now we know why Al won.
Tim: Yeah, it's amazing what a little blood, sweat and 10 grand will do.
Jill: Maybe next year, honey.
[on the roof:]
Trudy: They're gone. Now can we get down from here?
Al: Yeah, I think so.
Trudy: Oh, no. My feet are frozen to the roof. Help me, Al.
Al: I can't. I'm stuck in the chimney.
Trudy: What are we gonna do?
Both: Help! Help! Help! Help! Over here!

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, today, we're gonna show you the proper way of putting up Christmas lights on your roof. Heidi here's installing a GFI outlet.
Tim: A GFI is a ground fault interrupter. It prevents people from being shocked, something I know an awful lot about.
Al: Now, I've already done the wiring. I brought the conduit in from the attic. Make sure that the lighting strands and the extension cords are heavy-duty UL-approved and marked for outdoor use.
Tim: That prevents electrical fires, something else I know an awful lot about.
Heidi: That's right. And Al and I have taken the ultimate safety precaution.
Al: We're not allowing Tim to do any of the work. [Al & Heidi laugh]

Quote from Mark

Mark: So how's Puerto Rico?
Randy: Costa Rica.
Mark: Then, I guess you didn't get my letters.

Quote from Wilson

Randy: I mean, why did I think time would just stand still?
Wilson: You know, I've often wondered the same thing. I've got a machine down in my basement that can slow it down, but I just can't make it stop! [chuckles]
Randy: Wilson, why did I even want things to stay the same?
Wilson: Well, Randy, as you venture out on your own, it's only natural for you to want home to be the same secure place that you left behind.
Randy: Wilson, I just want someone to notice that I'm here. You know, I could go all the way back to Costa Rica without ever getting a chance to talk to my mom and dad.
Wilson: Well, you can't let that happen, now. You have to find an opening. Let your voice be heard. Sing, "Hallelujah!" Go Tell It on the Mountain! Blow your Trumpet, Gabriel! Remember the Alamo!
Randy: Wilson?
Wilson: I get the point.
Randy: Thanks.

Quote from Tim

Al: Anyway, I'm especially excited about decorating this year. This is my first Christmas in my new house.
Tim: Actually, it isn't your house. He rents it from me, so it would be my house.
Al: Well, technically, I...
Tim: Technically, the windows are mine, the roof is mine, the house is mine.
Al: Getting into the holiday spirit early, I see.
Tim: Ah, yes. Windows, bathtub, sinks, faucets. Mine, mine, mine, mine. Aren't they, Al? Mine, mine, mine...
Al: Well, this actually is my first Christmas...
Tim: Mine, mine, mine!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Ooh, I'm shaking in my Sorels! But in the spirit of healthy competition, I've decided to give Al some of my cool decorations from last year.
Al: Well, thank you, Tim.
Tim: It's nothing.
Al: I'll say. We got some tangled lights and a melted elf.
Tim: Well, actually, he prefers melted little person.
Al: Speaking of melted things, we'll be right back after these words from Saginaw Cheese.
All: Cheese, it's good!

Quote from Tim

Trudy: The rest of the decorations have arrived and they're really cute.
Tim: In this competition, cute doesn't cut it, sister.
Trudy: I think we'll be fine.
Heidi: Wow. What is that?
[A giant Santa inflates behind the house, poking above the roof]
Tim: Hey, Mrs. Borland. That red's so slimming on you.

Quote from Brad

Jill: Okay, we got the graham crackers for the window shutters, and the licorice for the gutters. I just need those Red Hots for the doorknobs. Where are they? They used to be right here.
Brad: [to Mark] Here. Hide the box.
Jill: What are you doing?
Brad: Taking candy from his younger cousins. He should be ashamed of himself.
Jill: Nice try, Cinnamon Breath. You should be ashamed of yourself for selling out your brother.
Brad: And yet, oddly, I feel great.

Quote from Tim

Gracie: Aunt Jill, what do you like most about Christmas?
Jill: Well, I like the whole spirit of the holiday. Peace on Earth, goodwill towards men.
Tim: Borland's Santa's toast.
Jill: What is that?
Tim: What does it look like? It's a wise man with a harpoon gun.
Jill: 'Tis the season to be packing.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Where have you guys been?
Mark: Dad sent us over to Al's to check out his roof decorations.
Brad: See, I am so proud to spy for you for Christmas, the holiest holiday of the year.
Tim: Cut the crap. What did it look like?
Mark: It's awesome.
Brad: His nativity scene's more convincing than the original.
Tim: All right, here's the plan. Take Bobby Ram Dass, put him on the roof and sight him in. All right? I'm gonna get some high-powered binoculars and meet you out there.

Quote from Tim

Lucille: Oh, that was a wonderful service. What did everybody think about the sermon?
Jeff: I thought it was too short. [yawns] I could have used another half hour.
Jill: You were gone during the sermon. Where were you?
Tim: Um... I was in the sacristy, having a moment of private prayer.
Jill: Oh. [holds Tim's tie] Did you pray for a chili cheese dog?
Tim: My prayers were answered.

Quote from Tim

Lucille: It's a pity those poor girls can't have their whole family together.
Marty: Oh, Ma, please. Don't start.
Jeff: Don't use that tone with Mother.
Marty: There was no tone.
Jeff: Tone.
Marty: There was no tone! Tim, what do you think?
Tim: I think all these wrenches are metric.
Lucille: All I'm saying, Marty, is that it's a shame that you couldn't have worked something out, at least for the holidays. Right, Tim?
Tim: I wonder how big my head is in metric?
Marty: Look, Nancy's the one who's being impossible. And there's nothing I can do about that.
Jeff: And so, to compensate for your inadequacy, you lash out at the woman who gave you life. You should be ashamed. Shouldn't he, Tim?
Tim: Huh? Now, that's one sizable melon. Look at that baby, huh?

Quote from Al

Al: If I'm gentle with this harpoon, I think I can save the buttocks.
Trudy: What kind of sick individual would do this to Santa's little helper?
[meanwhile, on Tim's roof:]
Tim: Just a scosh to the right, Balthazar.

Quote from Jill

Marty: Hey, the girls want to open presents.
Lucille: Oh, those blue packages are from me.
Jeff: Yeah. And me.
Jill: What'd you get them?
Jeff: I'll let you know in a minute.
Jill: I hope you didn't let your mom buy Carrie's present.
Jeff: No. I buy the presents for my girlfriend. Besides, I wouldn't want Mom walking into that kind of store.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You'd think a Santa that big would be easier to hit.
Marty: Al's gonna blow you out of this competition, isn't he?
Tim: Perhaps, if he wants to get all competitive about it. But for me, Christmas is more of a religious holiday, Marty.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Noel not going so well?
Randy: No. I had this great picture of what it would be like coming home for Christmas, so far it hasn't been like that at all.
Wilson: Well, things are bound to be different with Marty and the twins living in the house.
Randy: It's not that. It's just ever since I got home, I just feel like I don't fit anymore.
Wilson: In what way?
Randy: You know, everyone's so busy doing their own thing. I mean, no one cares about what's going on with me. Every time I say something, they look at me like I'm from Mars.
Wilson: Ah, been there.
Randy: I guess it's like Thomas Wolfe wrote, You Can't Go Home Again.
Wilson: Well, that's very good, Randy, but Frank Baum wrote, "There's no place like home."
Randy: What do you think?
Wilson: Well, I think you can go home again as long as you realize you may not be coming home to the same home.

Quote from Randy

Tim: So tell me a little bit about Costa Rica.
Randy: Well, it's cool.
Tim: Come on, "It's cool." Give me more information than that. Do you still like living with that family?
Randy: Yeah. You know, it's a little weird living with a strange family, but, you know, it helps that I come from a strange family.

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